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Is my mum entitled to any help with old dad?

(20 Posts)
saythatagain Thu 14-Aug-08 11:40:40

My dear old dad is 80 on 19th August. He's been a poorly, poorly man ever since I can remember (I'm 40). Started with rheumatiod (sp?) artharitis (sp?) at 18 and had many, many other ilnesses throughout. Fast forward to now; along with a cocktail of other drugs he is permanently on morphine patches to try and combat the pain. Because of his age and disability he can't move quickly so is continuously wetting himself. He's had a bag fitted but that keeps on coming off. My mum has cared for him and us all her life. She's 70 next March. Everytime I see her or speak to her she is in tears at the stress of coping with my dad. She gets the carers allowance but I was wondering if she's entitled to any form of help in the form of respite care - even if it was once a week. Could someone point me in the direction of where I go to ask please? TIA

ruddynorah Thu 14-Aug-08 11:42:46

i would contact age concern. they sorted my gran out with all kinds she wasn't claiming.

WendyWeber Thu 14-Aug-08 11:42:48

Oh, your poor mum (and dad) sad

I don't know anything about this but DD1 is working in admin in local social services atm, I will ask her.

PenelopePitstops Thu 14-Aug-08 11:50:47

yes age concern is the best place, they will tell you who to call etc

can he be left so your mum can go out or does someone need to be with him all the time?

if he can be left maybe there is a support group for carers that your mum might find useful

nervousal Thu 14-Aug-08 11:53:08

your Mum is entitled to a carers assessment through Social work, and your Dad will be entitled to sw care (though not sure if they will have to pay for some of it). Can get referred via GP or self refer. Godd luck

jelliebelly Thu 14-Aug-08 11:53:12

Contact Age concern - they can send somebody round to chat with your mum about the situation and how it can be helped. They know their way around the system too.

WendyWeber Thu 14-Aug-08 11:56:05

DD1 says ring your local social services, speak to customer care team & explain the situation (she thinks you can do this initially if your mum would get upset on the phone, & also if you emphasise how desperate your mum is getting they can refer it as urgent).

Then they will organise an assessment of what's needed & also do a financial assessment to see if your mum & dad will have to pay for any of it or if they're entitled to have it free. We're in Lancashire but I would imagine all social services depts work the same way.

Good luck smile

WendyWeber Thu 14-Aug-08 11:57:44

Try Crossroads too

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sounds similar to my FIL. He is 85 and gets help for half an hour every am it costs about £11 per hour but social services sent in a financial assessor and they go through your (parents) finances (with a fine tooth comb). If you have under £20,000 you only pay so much, no matter how much help is needed, in FILs case its £44 per mth. There are also day centres that offer day visits for respite care so your mum can have a break. You need to talk to social services.

saythatagain Thu 14-Aug-08 13:00:36

Thanks so much for your replies. Yesterday my mum went out to collect dd from dance class and by the time she'd got back he'd circuited the whole of the house ( I have no idea how!) so there was no electic and of course was wet too sad.
My mum is virtually at her wits end. He's draining her of her life, which is an awful thing to say about my own dad but its true. It feels like it isn't fair - to either of them.
I'm going to my mum to read this thread and get in contact with
Age Concern/Crossroads/Social Services. Thank you x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred Thu 14-Aug-08 13:18:40

Do you have siblings? Would you be able to give your mum an evening off once a week/fortnight? Or perhaps a afternoon at the weekend?

saythatagain Thu 14-Aug-08 13:24:09

I can't help but think that the rest home route will be the next step. But my mum is worried about the cost. They own their own home but aren't rolling in it and there is certainly no spare money around to pay for one. One of my brothers lives near; fortunatley we are all singing from the same hymn sheet so to speak. We try and do as much as we can. Trouble is he seems to be better behaved when its me or my brother but can be very difficult for my mum. sad

Dropdeadfred Thu 14-Aug-08 13:57:45

Why are you all unable to help?
Could you not take your dcs round too if you are a single parent? or tell your dh you need to do this for a while a couple of evenings a week until your mum is sorted with alternative help?

saythatagain Thu 14-Aug-08 14:35:36

Thats what we do DDF - nights and weekends. But during the day and through the night can be exhausting for her. If he decides to get up during the night and falls mum calls my brother because she is unable to lift him herself. They pay to have a panic button which is hung around his neck but doesn't really like to use it abd 'put people out'!

Dropdeadfred Thu 14-Aug-08 14:39:09

My friend has parents in the same situation as you..recently they had him in a home for a week as her mother was poorly and couldn't cope with cleaning up after him ( he is doubly incontinent and unable to walk or see properly after a series of strokes).
They have also recently had the help they get boosted to one hour a day and are still looking for that to be doubled.
My friends mother is really struggling but does not want to put her husband in a home...sad

saythatagain Thu 14-Aug-08 14:57:08

Its utterly heart breaking isn't it? I don't know what its like to have a well father (he has been in pain most of his life). He's a fantastic person, which makes it more sad. TBH, I don't think my mum would struggle about putting him a home now; its the cost factor which overshadows everything.

cornishpasty Thu 14-Aug-08 15:18:13

If your parents own their home and your mum will still be living there it will be disregarded from the financial assessment. If he has less than £22,250 in capital then he will be entitled to help with funding from social services. Any capital they jointly have will be halved for the financial assessment. The full charging rules that all social services have to follow are here www.dh.gov.uk/en/SocialCare/Chargingandassessment/ChargingforSocialCare/DH_079505.
Your mum should defintely speak to social services and get the situation assessed, both care wise and financially. Hope this helps.

saythatagain Thu 14-Aug-08 15:24:13

Thanks CP; its time now to move forward positively and this thread has really helped.

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