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help, My Mum and I are going to get upset over what Sis and Bil are doing ...

(15 Posts)
clumsymum Wed 06-Aug-08 13:18:25

This is difficult.

Having found himself unemployed in his 50's, My BIL has become a "respite foster carer", so he can be at home, manage his small-holding/hobby farm, but still have an income.

It means that he will be asked to take on kids (with learning/behaviour difficulties) who are in foster homes, for respite care for a few days at a time.

My Sis came up with this idea, now that their daughter is in late teens.
TBH we were surprised they went down this route. Their life with their daughter (she was adopted) has always been fraught, and they are not exactly the most maternal/paternal people in the world, and frankly, we feel that they are only in it for the money.

They had there first 'caree' last weekend, and took him out somewhere with them. There was a funfair there, but they didn't let him go on anything, because "We don't get paid back for those kind of things". If you have an 8 y.o. boy at a funfair, bloody hell, don't you pay for 2 or 3 rides ???
They are being paid an amount per day to have this child, so it seems a bit mean that they won't pay for a couple of rides. OK, I don't know what they are being paid per day, but I gather it's pretty well worth it.

Anyway, I'm just afraid that they will do the minimum required to keep the child in their care safe and fed, but will always have an eye to the money, and not "what's the child going to like"

OK, what they do is up to them, but my Mum and I are a bit more ... soft? ... with kids, and think their harder approach will upset us.
And it's no good saying "don't discuss it with them", cos I know that the first time they have problems with a kid, Sis will use my mother to release steam to, IYSWIM.

WinkyWinkola Wed 06-Aug-08 13:20:54

Erm, it does sound odd not to treat a kid to a couple of rides on the funfair.

I guess it's not something you can regulate though. As long as the children are safe and fed, that's all you can ask for really.

You and your mum could slip the children a few pounds now and then though. grin

kormachameleon Wed 06-Aug-08 13:22:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clumsymum Wed 06-Aug-08 13:25:28


ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 06-Aug-08 13:27:06

If you feel so strongly, why not report them.

lilmissmummy Wed 06-Aug-08 13:27:24

I know it sounds a bit mean but if you cant speak to your sis about it then is there a chance you could speak to their social worker about your concerns.

I think sooner or later foster carers who are just in it for the money get found out. You need to give these kids a lot of emotional support and if ss believe that this is not happening then they soon take you off the books.

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore Wed 06-Aug-08 13:28:15

they do get paid for 'those sorts of things' my sil is a foster carer thats what you get the money for, food, activities and clothing for you caree's. the money is not for personal profit, though it should be enough to have some financial gain even if you do treat the kids.

sil buys her caree's allsorts. even respite ones and always takes them on holiday with her. the agency she does it through give her a certain amount towards paying for the holiday and a certain amount of spending money but she has to use her 'wages' too as they are not wages its money to enable you to care for the child as if it were your own.

themoon66 Wed 06-Aug-08 13:31:57

Why did they chose a funfair to take him to? To show him what he couldn't have?

clumsymum Wed 06-Aug-08 13:36:06

No, they went to an agricultural show (showing their animals).

It's just there was a fair there as well.

Even my mum has said before they care more about their animals than people.
They never really did 'children' stuff with their daughter when she was young.

clumsymum Wed 06-Aug-08 13:42:41

"If you feel so strongly, why not report them "

Oh, now, well, that's difficult isn't it? This is family, if bil gets no income then they would have to sell the house, my sis's whole life gets disrupted (as would my niece's), you kind of hope it isn't going to be the way it is, etc etc.

It isn't just that black & white is it?

In the same way that I am soft with children, I can't unilaterally take a decision that will make my sister homeless.

How do I talk to her about this???

kormachameleon Wed 06-Aug-08 13:44:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clumsymum Wed 06-Aug-08 13:48:06

Oh Korma, he's been unemployed since last november, been to countless interviews .....

Erm, he seems to be well kind of .... unemployable

Whis is, I suppose, none of our business.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe Wed 06-Aug-08 13:49:16

Well, you are making a choice. If your sister comes first, stop bothering about the child.

I feel quite pissed off about this tbh.

StellaWasADiver Wed 06-Aug-08 13:49:18

Tell them to sort it out or you'll report them.

Unless you think their house and profit is more important than the children they will look after, of course.

Sorry you're in this situation - but you ARE in it and I think it would be wrong to keep out of it.

clumsymum Wed 06-Aug-08 13:54:54

Trust me, I feel pissed off about it too.

I suppose I have to confront them about it sometime, as I have before about their parenting of their own daughter.

I have my mother to think of too. She hates the idea of her daughters at odds with each other, and when I raise this point, it WILL cause an argument between BIL/sis and me.

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