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Feeling sad

29 replies

Rachmumoftwo · 18/07/2008 00:11

I am not sure where to post this, or even why I am posting. I'm sitting here just feeling so sad. My dad is dying, he has had cancer for what feels like forever and there is nothing left to be done. It could be hours or days, but not long now. In many ways it will be a blessed relief, as he is in so much pain. But I feel so sad. My children only remember him being ill, and he has had no voice for such a long time that I can't even remember what he sounds like. He has lost so much weight, and is so ill. He is in so much pain. I feel so alone, I have no-one to talk to and this is a way of letting it out. I am just so bloody tired of pretending everything is fine when I just want to cry and be looked after right now. I am so angry that he has to suffer like this. I wish I could cry, I'm sure that would help, but don't seem to be able to. If I start I might never stop. No-one in RL knows how I am, they all think I'm so strong, but I feel so alone and isolated right now. I can't sleep, I am so tired but still awake. Feeling sad. When I sleep I dream of him dying, and feel even sadder.

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Kbear · 18/07/2008 00:17

Rach, I can't pass by without posting although anything I write seems inadequate. It must be a truly awful time for you and especially your dad, suffering so much. I hope he has a peaceful end and you will be able to find some peace yourself. God, there are no words that can possibly help. I have a friend going through the same thing, her mum has a day or two left to live and I am lost for words but I am just here if she needs me, as MN is here for you to vent, rant and share your pain.

ThatBigGermanPrison · 18/07/2008 00:27

I'm so sorry

I have no ecperience of this but could not ignore this cry. I'm so soryry

thumbwitch · 18/07/2008 00:42

Rach, so sorry for you at this time. I lost my mum around this time last year to cancer, but it was very quick for us because we didn't know she had it until 8 days before she died. We sat up with her the last day and night, and God forgive me, there were times during that night that I just thought "please just get it over with", followed by "if she's not going quickly then perhaps she still has the strength to fight it, let's give her another chance", followed by "please let this be over" and round and round it went.

Don't worry about how you are feeling, there is no right or wrong in this situation, there is just what you do and it will be right for you. Have a good bawl if you think it will help, but I suspect that won't happen until a while after your Dad actually goes. There is such a period of disbelief (i'm not sure I'm out of that yet, over a year down the line).

I take it you are an only child? Do you have no close friends who can just give you a hug? Cuddle your DCs for all you're worth when they're awake - even if they can't help you, it will be a comfort.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you and I hope your Dad finds peace soon.
xx

becklespeckle · 18/07/2008 01:11

Oh Rach, how awful for you. Cancer is a nasty illness, I lost my Mum to it 2 years ago and I can totally identify with your thoughts that his passing would almost be a relief. Awful as it sounds it was just how I felt when my Mum passed, the suffering was so undignified. As for you, the numbness will pass and the tears will come but it may not be for some time yet. I also found that once she had gone I could (almost straight away) once again see and hear my Mum as the person she was before cancer took so much from her.

I know what it is to be strong on the outside and falling apart inside, sometimes we are who we think people expect us to be. If you need to talk and you don't feel you can in RL then I will happily give you my email and you will find plenty of support on here.

Totally agree about cuddling your DCs too, very theraputic. Mine are what kept me going.

UnderRated · 18/07/2008 01:16

Oh Rachel This is something that terrifies me. I have no experience of this, thankfully, but I didn't want to read it and not post.

Rachmumoftwo · 18/07/2008 08:37

Thanks. Numb is such a good word, I hadn't realised that is how I'm feeling. I feel as if I am slightly out of synch with the world right now. Got to be normal and strong for the school run although I have hardly slept. Thankfully I didn't dream.

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Rachmumoftwo · 18/07/2008 10:11

The children are in school and I am sitting in an empty house alone with my thoughts. Not a good place to be right now. I need to phone my stepmum but I'm always scared to, as it upsets her and there is never good news anymore.

I feel so tired right now, I could sleep for days if only I had the time.

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windygalestoday · 18/07/2008 10:24

((((((rachel)))))

ive been in a similar situation to you with my mil i think this is all part of the grieving process,you are already grieving for the dad you lost and the man he was replaced with.

The macmillan nurses told us we had to look after ourselves too and i think they were right its very very hard to watch continually and think with every breath this may be the last.

It might help you to visit your GP ours was v supportive and offered things to help dh sleep and even anti depressants......

I feel sad that you are going through this and you know in your heart there is no way back for your dad.....without sounding cruel as with my mil passing away will be a relief for your dad albeit a very sad release for you.

im really sorry for you xxxx

thumbwitch · 18/07/2008 11:10

Rach - can I suggest you get a book of any kind and try reading it while lying on the bed? It might help you to drop off and have a much needed snooze.

Is your stepmum on email? It might be an easier way to talk to her, for both of you at the moment.

How far away from your Dad are you living - is it worth a visit - it won't necessarily be comforting to you but it might be to him and it will be one less thing to regret after he's gone (as in,I wish I'd visited him more while I still could)

feel so for you, I know how hard this is. ((((hugs))))

Rachmumoftwo · 18/07/2008 11:22

Thanks for your support. It's odd how strangers can be more help to you at a time like this than people who know you in RL.

I just emailed my stepmum and am going up this afternoon. It is a 2 hour journey each way and I am going to try and get someone to get the kids from school.

My house is a mess, and I am tired, but need to spur myself on. If I stop, I may never get started.

I have a DH, but he works a lot. I am not an only child but feel like one at the moment. Everyone else has their own problems to deal with, I don't like to burden them with mine. I'm the strong, self sufficient one. Apparently.

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thumbwitch · 18/07/2008 11:28

bless you, then feel free to unburden and whatever you need to on here - if you want to email me direct, I can let you have my email

itati · 18/07/2008 11:33

I was so sorry to read your post and wish I could make it all right for you.

3 of my Grandparents have died of cancer and my Nana in 2005. I was very close to her and she died 2 1/2 months after she told me her cancer had returned. She had survived breast cancer in 1999.

Is there anything we can do to help?

Try and get some ready meals in so you can eat but don't have to cook. Drink too. If your father is up to it can you take photos of him with you and the children? Maybe get them to draw pictures for him. We weren't able to see my Nana so I sent photos of the kids and pictures they had drawn.

I have to go for DS2 now but I am thinking of you, wishing you strength to get through this and peace for your father.

itati · 18/07/2008 11:34

So sorry, meant to post at the beginning.

Rachmumoftwo · 18/07/2008 12:07

Thanks. The girls can't see him anymore, we all want them to remember him as he was, as much as they can. He is very frail, but his head is distorted by the tumour, so no photos. He looks so different. They draw pictures and sing songs into the phone.

It is so hard, as he has been unable to talk for 2 years now, and must be suffering so much in his silence. He is struggling to write now, and I feel like he must feel so trapped inside his body right now.

I do pray for a relief, for him more than us. We all have lives to get on with so that keeps us going. His is full of pain and suffering. You wouldn't want anyone to have to live through what he has been going through. It is torture.

They are good in the hospice, but can only do so much. I sometimes wish they would just let him go, give him a bit more morphine and let him sleep. God that is awful, but I think you know what I mean.

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itati · 18/07/2008 12:25

I totally understand what you mean.

My Nana had had enough and died in the hospice, and I know she had had enough.

It is wrong to let humans suffer in a way they wouldn't allow animals to do so, and then people get cross when people go overseas to somewhere like Dignatas.

Thinking of you.

thumbwitch · 18/07/2008 12:25

Rach - it's not awful, not really. on my mum's last night, she was given a steady dose of morphine for the pain, which they increased a few times. at about 6am they gave her a large bolus of morphine and she declined very rapidly after that, finally giving in at about 7:30am. the morphine undoubtedly helped her on her way and it was a kindness by the med team.

Rachmumoftwo · 18/07/2008 12:34

I feel sorry for my stepmum and brothers. they have each other at least, but she is so scared of being alone. I sometimes think this is why Dad has stayed so long. It is so sad for everyone isn't it. Cancer is an awful thing that touches so many of our lives.

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becklespeckle · 18/07/2008 14:40

How have you been today Rach? Out of synch with the world is a good description of how this time feels, you will fall back into 'real' time again after a while I promise you.

Although he works a lot is your DH supportive of you when he is around? I think it might help your siblings and you if you shared your feelings with them, they probably feel similarly to you. As for your stepmum, do you get on well? You may be able to lean on each other a little to help you through this awful time but make sure you do some leaning on others too, you'll need it.

Harsh as it sounds life returns to 'normal' pretty quickly after they pass. As Windygales said, you do a good bit of grieving before they pass over. It astonished me as I left the hospice that my Mum had died and yet the world was just carrying on. Your children and their routine will help keep you grounded too - I would have fallen apart without mine.

becklespeckle · 18/07/2008 14:41

and yes, cancer is a truly awful thing.

Tas1 · 18/07/2008 17:28

Huggs to you.
I know what you are going through.
In the last year I have lost 2 uncle's to Cancer and just 4 weeks ago my DH lost his Dad to Bowel cancer. I also lost my Dad suddenly 9 years ago, he was only 54.

It is very hard to watch a person waste away to nothing in front of your eyes and know there is nothing you can do about it.

Thinking of you.

Rachmumoftwo · 18/07/2008 23:33

I just got home from the hospice. The preist came and we had communion around my dad's bed. It was surreal, like I was in a film or something. He is so frail, he looks like just a head poking out of the blankets. It can't be long now, I feel like I am just waiting.

I had a good chat to my stepmum though, and sharing the communion was a good bonding moment for the two of us. Despite the morphine, my dad obviously still has his wits about him! Crafty so and so. That may have been what he needed to see, us together, as I know he worries about us both and wants us to support each other.

I got home and DH and DD were on the sofa watching In Her Shoes and waiting for me. I am so lucky to have them, even if she should have been in bed hours ago.

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becklespeckle · 19/07/2008 00:14

I'm so glad your visit went well, especially as your Dad still has his mind! I used to love it when DH kept the children up after I visited Mum (she was and hour and a half away from me) even when I pretended to be cross. Their little kisses and cuddles kept me grounded. Don't have much else to say tonight but you have been in my thoughts today, hope you manage some restful sleep tonght x

dizzydixies · 19/07/2008 00:22

rach am so sorry for what you are going through but am pleased you had an easier visit and chat with your stepmum

am going through something very similar at the moment too - my mum is in hospice after fighting cancers for 6yrs now and we have no idea if it is hours/days/weeks - my dad says she won't go till I have the baby which torments me some what as if I'm prolonging her suffering

am glad he is being treated with the care and respect he deserves and it sounds as if he has a lot of people around him at such an important time

remember to look after yourself and your girls

Rachmumoftwo · 19/07/2008 09:43

Dizzy, the amazing joy she will feel on seeing your child will be worth it to her. Don't feel guilty, it is a happy event although tinged with much sadness.

My dad first had cancer 10 years ago, and my children are 5 and 6. We always felt a bit like he was on borrowed time, but to see his grandchildren has been such an amazing thing, and has given him joy and hope. When he got very ill again, 3 years ago, and we thought we were losing him, they were one of the few things that could make him smile. It is so sad that he can't see them now, but I know we have made the right decision, and I gave him the choice.

I slept well last night, I think spending the day there, and having communion was like saying goodbye, and he feels more at peace. He needs to let go, but he is stubborn (that is where I get it from so I know).

Thank you for all your kind thoughts, and for taking time out of your lives and your own difficulties to think of me, it has been a lifeline and I know it is not over yet. t is true, it's good to talk, even if it is virtual.

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Rachmumoftwo · 20/07/2008 10:29

My dad has hardly woken since my last visit, he is very peaceful. I know that is a good thing, but I still feel so sad.

I am dreading telling my children, although I have bought them up to believe in heaven. DD1 is such a deep thinker I worry for her.

I haven't prepared them for the end as such, as it has been close many times over the years and he has come back to us. I didn't want them living under the shadow of his illness. But I have tried to prepare them in other ways.

I don't think I'm prepared and I'm the grown-up.

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