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Need mum to stay at party to help with her child, but she wants to go shopping.

(21 Posts)
FairyMum Fri 11-Jul-08 08:06:02

Have finally decided to have DS1's party at home with an entertainer. Have invited 20 children from his class, so all the boys and about 5 girls. One of the boys is one of ds's best friends and has SN. He does not cope very well at b-day parties and never gets invited. This is the first party he has been invited to since ds1's party last year.

Now, last year we had a bit of a nightmare with him because he gets very upset by the situation. I think he finds it overwhelming. He spent all of last year's party crying on my lap, I had to take him into a seperate room and stay with him and ended up missing the party and not being able to help out leaving it all to DH. His mum doesn't want to stay and just laughs if you ask for her phone number. Just says "he will be fine" and leaves.

Now, last year I managed to call another friend and get the mums number from her. I called her mobile, but she was out shopping. Said she would be there soon, but ended up being the last of all the parents to collect himhmm There is no question if we invite him or not. Ds1 adores him and counts him as one of his top friends. Also, obviously don't want to leave him out.

I don't really have any friends I could ask to help with him, as have already "used them up" for farming out my kids to them during party and 2 of them already helping with the catering. DH will not be around either.

My questions is this: I would like his mum to stay to look after him. I think he would maybe enjoy the party then as he definatly did not last year. I feel like having a chat to the mum and telling her that people really want her DS1 at their parties, but its tricky because she doesn't stay to help. I have already said this to her last year and she just laughed it off. She has no friends amongst the other mums who can talk to her either. Any ideas on how I can sort this out? Not just for this party, but to ensure this boy gets included in other class parties too?

HappyMummyOfOne Fri 11-Jul-08 10:04:57

Tell her the truth, that her child is invited but she must stay as you will be on your own as DH is away.

I would have thought it would have been automatic for her to stay if he has SN anyway. Perhaps thats why he doesnt get invited to many other parties if she's not prepared to stay.

Prufrock Fri 11-Jul-08 10:11:54

Say that you would love for her son to come, but given last year's experience you can't have him unless she stays - it's perfectly reasonable.

Do you think though that maybe she is so desperate to leave him because it's the only break she gets? Does she have any respite care at all? Maybe you could invite him over to play by himself at some other time when it's not going to be as traumatic for him?

partaria Fri 11-Jul-08 10:16:32

Poor little chap. It's lovely that your ds wants him there; but can't the mum see what the issues are ? yes it's lovely to have time off when dcs are at parties, but he clearly needs her to be there for him, so she should step up and get on with it ! Also a bit selfish of her just to have left last time, knowing how he'd be sad.

LilRedWhiskGersingles Fri 11-Jul-08 10:16:59

Tell her the truth - that you need her to stay. I agree that it may be the only break she gets, so maybe invite him round for tea after school one evening or a Saturday afternoon so that she can have a couple of hours break.

partaria Fri 11-Jul-08 10:17:49

Prufrock I thought of that too - a break for her that is - but her ds is at school so surely at leat she has that time to herself ?

FairyMum Fri 11-Jul-08 10:27:34

Thanks for your replies.I think I need to speak to the mum again. I understand about the break Don't we all!). She is a single mum and works FT. I cannot imagine she would be able to take her ds shopping ever and he cannot attend any after-school clubs. He has a teacher who is responsible for him in class. No, I cannot invite him around because I have a baby and a 3 year-old too and I simply cannot manage him by myself like that. Like I said, my ds adores him and they play well together, but he is also quite aggressive and his behaviour is just very unpredictable.

elmoandella Fri 11-Jul-08 10:31:13

you gotta make it very clear that she has to stay.

or she'll do same again

BasementBear Fri 11-Jul-08 10:55:45

You should definitely ask the Mum to stay. Yes, I am sure she would love a break, but surely she should realise that by being at the party she will be helping her DS to cope? I think you should let her know how hard it has been to cope with him at previous parties, and maybe even speak to the teacher to see if she can have a word??

DS1 is now 6 but I always stay at parties with him. It really annoys me when other parents don't consider the hostess!! Was at one the other day where a boy the same age got very upset that his Dad just dropped him off and buggered off, none of us had the Dad's number and it was really hard to keep him happy. Another parent dropped off their daughter AND left the younger sister there too (who hadn't been invited!!) Little one was only about 3 and the Mums had to keep a constant eye on her because of the boisterous 6 year old boys running about.

LilRedWhiskGersingles Fri 11-Jul-08 11:06:21

FM - in that case you must speak to her prior to the party and stipulate that you cannot have him there unsupervised.

pedilia Fri 11-Jul-08 11:07:20

Jeez some parents really take the pissangry

Of course she should stay and look after her own child, we could all do with a break but that is taking the piss!!

I always stay at parties unless the parents have made clear that we don't have to.

Luce2006 Fri 11-Jul-08 15:23:25

Talk to her and tell her that it's your ds' birthday and you want to be able to enjoy it.
It's not fair on your ds to leave all the responsability of looking after her son on your shoulders.You should concentrate on making the day memorable for ur child.
Be clear and explain her that ur ds rally wants her ds to be at the party but she has to stay.

2shoes Fri 11-Jul-08 16:51:54

you need to be upfront with her. tell her you want her ds there but she has to stay.
dd has cp so I have always stayed and expected all parents to stay. and going by threads in sn all the parents there would stay.

MsDemeanor Fri 11-Jul-08 17:01:46

She is clearly just running away. I have a child with mild SN by the way so can understand her desire to head for the hills (though I always stay), but clearly it isn't going to work for you so you need to say that she HAS to stay if you are going to invite her son, but maybe add that you will open a bottle of something sparkly and have a few nibbles so it will be quite sociable? Will any of the other parents stay?
I think you have to say, 'Hi, you know ds really, really wants your ds at his party, and so do I, but last year was really tricky as your ds got so upset, poor mite, and I ended up in another room with him for the whole time. As my dh can't help out this year, I'm sorry but I really absolutely need you to stay. But I'll provide wine and nibbles so it won't be so bad - and I could do with some company'.

BasementBear Fri 11-Jul-08 20:42:02

Good advice MsD, I always try to encourage parents to stay by providing adult refreshment! Had party for 6 year old this year and was bit nervous quite frankly that not many parents would stay. In the end, about half did.

PeachyBAHons Fri 11-Jul-08 20:55:44

Agree with the other sn muns that she should stay, my ds1 and ds3 fit the op (ds3 not aggressive) and i couldnt imagine leaving them.

I do have humungous sympathy for mum though, she may well not have had a nights sleep or shopping trip in yeas. And its categorically not the same as a baby who doesnt sleep- you sign up for that when you get pg. Esp. if she's working full time and a single mum- I for one couldnt do it!

But ultimately she does have to stay.

If you doewant to help, some soft plays run sessions where sn and nt kids alike can access- maybe you could meet at one for a coffee? little things like a chat and coffee are what keep me sane

MsDemeanor Fri 11-Jul-08 21:47:07

Yes, suggest a trip to the park all together one day. Or have her AND her ds over to play at the weekend. She might jump at the chance for a bit of adult company. You never know.

ProfessorGrammaticus Fri 11-Jul-08 21:57:59

MsD I think that is really tactful

FairyMum Fri 11-Jul-08 22:16:43

Thanks everyone for your advice and you have been really helpful. I will mention it to his mum that it might be good for HIM if she stayed. I will try to get another friend to help out too. I do understand the mum needs a break. Have been thinking about this all day and realised she has asked my ds for playdates lots of times for 2 years and I have always ignored her being too busy with my own stuff.Shame on me. You are absolutely right that she probably would welcome some company.

DarthVader Fri 11-Jul-08 22:30:31

You should be up front with the mother that you need her to stay.

There is a mother of an autistic child in dd's class who never stays with him at parties; there is always trouble and her son is usually quite upset at a party. I appreciate that she probably needs a break more than most but it is generally quite difficult for the other adults at the party to handle the situation.

MsDemeanor Sun 13-Jul-08 22:58:41

Fairymum, what a good outcome. Yes, please do take her up on her requests, and if you are kind, suggest something you can all do together. I can assure you, as the mother of a son with a comparatively minor ASD, that I really LOVE the children who like ds and if their parents can cope with him, then I love them! Having a child with a disability can be isolating in ways you can't imagine. It can be a lonely path. Acceptance makes a big difference.
I hope she understands why you need her to stay (both for him and for you) and I hope you can maybe arrange those playdates and both get something out of the relationship.

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