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What do you think?

(29 Posts)
Smurfgirl Thu 20-Jan-05 14:53:38

Sorry for posting this here, but I don't know who to ask. I am not a mum, I just need to know what you think.

Last night I had this argument with my sort of boyfriend (we are in the ish stage of the relationship). I ended up shouting and clouting him over the head, which I feel really bad about because I hit him hard.
He then grabbed my wirst and punched me in the arm 4 times, and its really sore and bruised today and I am worried I won't be able to work tomorrow. I have to lift for my job.

I tried to explain to him that I didn't want him to hit me like that again because it made me feel uncomfortable, but he doesn't understand. I know its my own fault really because I started the argument, and hit him first. It just feels really wrong. Am I overreacting? My other housemates just laughed when I showed them, but I feel upset. But me and my byfr do have a very fighty relationship, its just usually he does not hurt me but last night he did.

galaxy Thu 20-Jan-05 14:55:52

My opinion? Ditch him PDQ!!!!! OK, you shouldn't have hit him but he shouldn't have retaliated either. I think he could have been forgiven for pushing you away or something but deliberately punching you - not on.

Grommit Thu 20-Jan-05 14:56:45

agree with galaxy - stop before it gets worse

duckegg Thu 20-Jan-05 14:57:22

get out now! I think this is a recipe for disaster and you hitting him is just as bad as him hitting you.

Titania Thu 20-Jan-05 14:57:56

im with galaxy on this. Who knows what he will do next time. good luck hun x x

whimsy Thu 20-Jan-05 14:59:03

Might not be what you want to hear but you should get rid of him asap. Ok you shouldn't have hit him, but he could of just walked away. He's done it once so now he WILL do it again.

Caligula Thu 20-Jan-05 15:00:13

Agree with the others, get out now.

You were wrong to hit him, but he should have stopped you doing so, told you you're a nutter and that he didn't want anything more to do with you.

Not hit you back. Decent men don't do that. Get out now Smurfgirl. Your housemates sound like idiots, btw.

dawnie1 Thu 20-Jan-05 15:00:16

Its probably better if you finish the relationship - a very fighty relationship doesn't sound healthy and although you started it and hit him first it does seem extreme to punch you 4 times. It doesn't sound good to me, I would want out. Good luck though whatever you do

SecondhandRose Thu 20-Jan-05 15:02:00

Same advice here I'm afraid Smurfgirl. Don't make yourself a statistic.

Why did you feel the need to hit him?

kernowcat Thu 20-Jan-05 15:02:46

It sounds as though you both have anger management issues. He shouldn't have punched you but as you pointed out you started it. I recommend that you go and seeing your doctor who can refer you to an anger management cousellor or course you can attend. You both need to sit down and sort this out , have you read the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book ? there's a chapter on how to discuss difficult feelings. It is really helping us as I'm abit like you and tend to shout the loudest and get very frustrated.

galaxy Thu 20-Jan-05 15:08:10

Smurfgirl, being really nosey but how old are you both and why did you pick mumsnet to ask this on? Not being sarcastic, just curious?

Smurfgirl Thu 20-Jan-05 15:46:43

I thought I was pregnant ages ago and stumbled on MN I just wanted somewhere anonymous, sorry. I have posted here a little bit, but know I shouldn't.

I hit him because I was frustrated because he was being a typical drunken boy and causing me hassle over a friend. I don't mind messing, but I know I took him too far, but never meant to hit him so hard. This sounds so trivial doesn't it, I am not a silly drama ridden teen I promise. I am stupid aren't I.

Smurfgirl Thu 20-Jan-05 15:47:05

I am 20 by the way. Sorry.

serenity Thu 20-Jan-05 15:51:56

I agree that these sort of relationships always end badly, and you're young - you can find better. Someone who you can respect and who respects you!

I don't think anyone minds you posting on here SG, we're usually pretty friendly and if you get something out of it, carry on!

Satine Thu 20-Jan-05 15:52:19

Anything that is bad now will only get far worse if you get married and have kids; I have a pretty strong relationship with my dh but two small children have tested us almost to breaking point at times. If your relationship with your boyfriend is going to move to another level then you need to address this issue completely now. Wow, I sound really dictatorial, I don't mean to but honestly, hon, don't fall into the trap of thinking "Well, it'll get better if we get married/have a baby".

kernowcat Thu 20-Jan-05 15:53:33

Not stupid just human! Relationships are a constant challenge no matter who they're with! Take heart we've felt the same at one time or another! What are you going to do now?

Socci Thu 20-Jan-05 15:53:53

Message withdrawn

Marina Thu 20-Jan-05 15:56:39

Agree with everyone else and especially Socci that those housemates don't sound very supportive either. Hope you feel physically better soon smurfgirl.

Smurfgirl Thu 20-Jan-05 16:01:11

I think its because its hard to get them to see me as a girl, they don't realise that I am smaller and much less stronger than them.

I feel bad mainly because I really don't want to argue with them you know? I think he knows what he did was wrong, but just, I don't know. It made me feel so sad and worthless when he did it.

I am sorry to whinge so much!

beansprout Thu 20-Jan-05 16:08:19

Well, you are clearly with the sort of man who thinks it is ok to hit women. There are two types - those that do and those that don't.
I think you know which one you would prefer?

Socci Thu 20-Jan-05 16:40:43

Message withdrawn

Smurfgirl Thu 20-Jan-05 16:43:48

No. I work and go to university (little bit stressful) so I have no time free really. TBH I am looking forward to work tomorrow because it will get me out of the house for 8 hours and I can just focus all my engery there. Hopefully I will be able to lift ok.

I am pissed because I love my house so much, and I just feel so let down that my housemates on this ocassion don't give a s* about me, even though I have admitted I was wrong to hit my byfr and apologised to him.

galaxy Thu 20-Jan-05 18:51:18

smurfgirl - I didn't mean to make you feel that it isn't right for you to post her - I was just curious that you chose mumsnet but understand now.

At 20, you have your life ahead of you and can do better than this thug. Don't let yourself start off on a spiral of being with violent men - it's hard to escape it.

Good luck with work tomorrow and keep posting

Caligula Thu 20-Jan-05 19:24:24

God Smurfgirl, now that I know your housemates are men, I don't think they're idiots, I think they're toxic.

Most decent men would be absolutely horrified to hear of a woman being hurt by another man - it arouses some very deep protective instinct in most normal men. Your BF finds it acceptable because he's surrounding himself (and you) with other men who find it acceptable. And you're getting advice from them, and if you continue to hang around with them, you'll find it acceptable too. I think all of them sound bloody awful and you should find some housemates and a BF who have some respect for you. Normal decent men know women are smaller and weaker than men, it's not difficult for them to understand that, it's difficult for savages to understand that, and I'm sorry, but if your housemates don't understand that, then they are savages and you deserve better.

I don't see why you shouldn't post on Mumsnet - it's an open forum and you're just as entitled to post here as anyone else. And I don't think you're a teenage drama queen either - you're a young woman with a problem and the sense to recognise that it is a problem and seek some advice on it. I hope you get the support you need here.

Gwenick Thu 20-Jan-05 19:36:55

Hmm - interesting one - all these comments about 'ditch him' once he's done it once he'll do it again, type stuff - when she openly admits she hit him first! Perhaps we should be telling her to leave incase SHE hurts him again.

"a very fighty relationship doesn't sound healthy " - maybe not - but when DH and I first go together we argued EVERY Day, and I'm talking big arguments with door slamming, the works (mainly initiated by.....urmm me). Anyhow, despite the constant arguing he proposed and we married.........that was 6years ago that he proposed.

I'll be the first to admit that I've hit my DH in the past too and he has hit me once - 5yrs ago - apologised profusely and has never even layed a finger on me since. Our 1st year or 2 of marriage were very 'rocky' to say the least, BUT we loved each other (and still do!) and because of that we managed to sit down and 'work through' our problems, sorting out the bones of contention between us and now have a very strong and healthy relationship.

I have to disagree with the idea that 'once a beater always a beater' as I know otherwise, my Dad hit my mum during a rough patch in their relationship (they nearly split up) but hasn't laid a finger on her again - and that was 15yrs ago that the violence occured.
What you really need to do is to sit down and SERIOUSLY consider whether

a) you love him
b) Does he love you - yes REALLY love you
c) he would hit again, whether 'provoked' or not.
d) If you do want to make a go of it (and it does rather sound like it's at the 'ish' part of it) are you both willing to seriously work at some form of anger management - even if it's not a proper anger management course??

Whatever you decide, don't let yourself get stuck in a truely violent relationship. It could be that he doesn't understand at the moment as HE could be shaken up by your clouting him round the head!

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