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Just found out-please help.....[sad]

(15 Posts)
jollymum Fri 14-Jan-05 21:49:53

Right, I was going to change my name for this but what the hell. SCENARIO:- playground mums, friends etc. 2 of my friends not talking, one of them is godmother to other one's child (15months). It's relevant, belive me.Friends 1 and 2 (D and M) re not speaking but I talk to both, in turn in playground. 3rd friend (T) is younger than us but a laugh. Me, M and T sort of get together.....T's daughter is enrolled in my classes, her kids are great. I am invited over to T's house tomorow, with M. Reluctant due to crap life and general apathy but found out yesterday that only me and M were invited so felt sort of obliged to go. Sad cow, I am. Approached in playground by friend "D" who told me she had been agonising whether to tell me that "everyone" knew in playground except me and friend "M" that "T's" husband has been done last year for child porn interbet crap tc. Done by police, door broken down, stuff taken away and large fine given. Not sure if prison sentence handed out.However, told that said husband was not allowed into school, near school, or to collect his kids. Asked if friend "T" knew about this trouble and was told she had said "but it's only photos". Have been incontact with police who can't officially tell me anything.

Can't speak to schools until Monday, who can't tell me anything anyway bcause he's a parent and the data protection stuff etc..

Do I tell my friend who I think occasionally leaves her 15 motnth old round at the house, friend's dh works at home, or not? I have to go round there tomorrow and pretend nothing has changed, because hand on heart I don't know. If he was a paed, surely his kids wouldn't be there with him, police have muttered as much to me without disclosing more than they should. However, he came to "my" huge Xmas party, 100 kids having fun and I can't honestly tell you if he had a camera with him. I feel sick, that he might have taken photos of kids, and I didn't know about him.

My friend's "defence" to an accusation, not by me, was that it was only photos. I am very broadminded and have no problem with any sort of adult porn, BUT anything to do with kids, keep it. My gut feeling is that I should go tomorrow, play the lie of the land and ask "without being suspicious" if her Dh had any photos of the Xmas party as I have a newspaper bulletin ready to go out. If I have any "concrete"evidence, I will tell friend with 15 month old. Don't want to go tomoorrow but can't help feeling this could turn into a witchunt (chinese whispers) and I'll be the one that actualy spoke of the rumours around the playground. Surely if school knows of an offender, don't we have the right to know? Help please, advice and voices of reason

pixiefish Fri 14-Jan-05 21:53:24

Cry off with a migraine tomorrow. find out for definite and then act according to info

Amanda3266 Fri 14-Jan-05 22:06:17

Hi jollymum,

Right - don't know too much about this but I was under the impression that if a person was a danger to children then your friend would have been told that she could not have children in the house.
From all I have read it seems that if your friend's dh had been charged at some point in the past with downloading child porn he would still be under observation now. He would also be on the sex offender's register and there would have been serious questions asked about the suitability of him being at home with his kids.

The fact that he is there and his kids are there says that he is not at present considered to be a danger.

Also, last child protection thing I attended (am a HV) was attended by a woman who works with paedophiles. She told me that the paedophiles who have the highest rate of re-offending are those who have never had an adult relationship and who could see no wrong in what they had done. Your friends hubby doesn't sound as though he falls into that category. Don't forget that it could also be a case of mistaken identity - there have been cases where the police have got it wrong or been given false details from stolen ID's etc.

As I say - I am no expert here but I hope that helps a bit. I'm sure there must be others out there who work in the field of child protection who might be able to give you more advice.

Mandy

Caligula Fri 14-Jan-05 22:14:30

How well do you know T? Can you confront her with it straight out? Would you be willing to do so? She may deny it, in which case you could tell her that you've been told it's the talk of the playground, so there's no point denying it if it is true.

Tough one, but overall, I'd tell M. She'll hear from a different source anyway if you don't, and if you simply cry off tomorrow on the basis of rumours which you don't tell her about, you're denying her the same choice.

WestCountryLass Fri 14-Jan-05 23:01:03

My opinion on this is, it might only be photos but it is someones kids in those photots - how would you feel if it were your kids?

I personally would not be overly concerned about the party photos unless it were, say, a swimmign pool party or a summer party where there was the possibility of child nudity.

If the material on his computer was worthy of a fine then that would be enough for me to know. I wouldn't get involved in a witch hunt but I would not want my kids spnding any time in the house with the father there or the possibility that he might be there. There innocence is too precious for me to play devils advocate with kwim?

lockets Fri 14-Jan-05 23:07:52

Message withdrawn

weightwatchingwaterwitch Sat 15-Jan-05 06:21:31

Agree with Caligula, I think you should ask T. If it's not true she should know that this is the rumour, if it is true, well, then I don't know where you go from there tbh but I would let the mother who leaves her child there know in that case I think. I wouldn't overly worry about photos at the party, I don't think that's the issue here really.

jollymum Sat 15-Jan-05 08:07:22

Morning-right, been thinking aboot this all night. I hate confrontations and the thought of having a major row wth someone, then having to walk past them in the playground cos we're not speaking, makes me feel sick. I'm undecided whether to tell the mum I'm going with tonight and we could ask T together, or ask T first. It might be true in which case I wouldn't feel morally confortable being at her house. I don't think my friend M knows. The man doesn't come to my classes, his little girl comes with my friend, they're singing classes BTW. Still so undecided, why me FGS?The police obviously couldn't tell me anything definite but I think that if he has his own kids at home, it must have been less serious and just pictures {not to downgrade the situation). But school have supposedly banned him, so should he be near any kids or are they being very cautious? I know the family spend time at weekends together, gong to Wacky Warehouses etc, so he can't have a restraining order re any kids, can he? I just don't know. It's totally spoilt the weekend, I feel so sick at having to make that phonecall

tigermoth Sat 15-Jan-05 08:20:53

At the moment, you only have D's information to go on. How do you know it's true? What impression did you get from the police? Is there a grain of truth in the story? Was it a case of mistaken identity?

If the facts are true, why didn't D tell you before? She might have blown the story out of all proportion. She might be hoping you will confront T or M and all fall out over it. She is left out of your group so this might be revenge.

I would dig around more, check what other parents are saying about this man. If he really has been banned from school, I think you should talk to T and M about it.

tigermoth Sat 15-Jan-05 08:26:52

just seen your message. If you really feel there is truth in the story, IMO you should talk to T first, so she can put her side of things to you. You don't have to accuse her, just tell her what you have heard. I feel sorry for her, as whatever her dh has or hasn't done, she needs to know rumours are going round the school.

jollymum Sat 15-Jan-05 09:08:52

When D told me, there was another parent there, who is v sensible and loads of people do know apparently. I asked D why she hadn't told me before, asnd she said that she'd seen me and M getting closer to T and was really worried how to tell me without seeming to be nasty to M. D is M's sons' Godmother and althogh they fell out, I speak to both of them and both of them have loads of other friends in the playground. She was hoping that we would just stick to playground friends, but I mentioned to her last week we were going round to T's on Saturday. General stuff about no clothes to fit etc and she's being stewing all week whether to tell me. She also was worried that the child in question might be left there on occasions and as she said, although she and the mum aren't best buds anymore, that's her godson and she thinks the that M has a right to know about the rumours and make up her own mind. I think I'm going to tell M first and we can decide together what to do. I am trying to think of other friends I can ring to help expand on the rumours, to see if what everyone says tallies.Also, if T admits that these rumours are true, then what. I can't think of a way to say nicely to her that we can friends, goodmorning etc, in the playground but I can't help feeling that by living with him she's condoning his actions. As a mum/woman, if my man had done this, (and I asked dh about it) I couldn't honestly ever trust him alone with the kids, would you?

lockets Sat 15-Jan-05 09:11:53

Message withdrawn

foxinsocks Sat 15-Jan-05 09:46:27

how did D find out? I can't think that there is any other way, other than confronting T, to find out the truth (if she'll tell you it).

It also seems a bit strange to me that he's not allowed at school but allowed in other public places where children will be (wacky warehouse etc.). How can that be? If he was a risk to children, surely there would be many places he wouldn't be allowed.

I think you have to find out the truth for yourself from T otherwise you'll be left with playground rumours. If you impress on her how important it is for you to know (and that everyone else has an inkling), you may find she comes out with it.

And yes, if he was guilty of something, even if it was 'only' pictures, I would never trust him again either.

gscrym Sat 15-Jan-05 11:01:01

If this person has been done for this offence, there should be some sort of court record of it. It would probably be in the local paper in the court round up section (if you have one). Could you make an excuse for when you're supposed to go round (migrane is a good one as someone suggested) and then do a bit of digging. If you know roughly when it was then you should be able to find out. Most local papers have a website and you may be able to search using his name and see what comes up.

jampots Sat 15-Jan-05 11:10:46

I would keep quiet Jollymum. I think you are local to me (Solihull) and if so a quick google on his name would bring any press coverage to light. If he was tried at Court (which sounds like he was) then have you tried ringing the Court Service (Warwick Crown for Solihull Mags) and Bham Crown for Bham Mags. Cat me if you want although I understand if you would prefer not to as I am local.

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