Anyone bereaved in 2002

[Enchanted]

Sorry to be a kill joy!
My Mum died in January, old, happy and with all her litter around. At the time it was quite a relief that she didn't suffer, over the years we had all wondered how she would go and dreaded finding her at the bottom of the stairs or such like. I remember at the time thinking I had always thought it would hurt more; we were very close. I spent most of the year feeling as though I had got off lightly and there was more to come.
Well it's come! Christmas has completly engulfed me with sadness, I miss my Mum soooo much.
It's a great year for us we have a 2.5 year old who is so excited, we have a new house with all the things we always wanted and I feel terrible.
I can't even wish anyone a happy Christmas without the tears welling up. I just feel grief stricken , almost as though she's only just gone.
On the other hand I am so enjoying not being in a tiny flat and being part of a nice community. All this and of course dh and ds are making it all wonderful but I am finding it hard to hold back the tears.
Sorry if I have put a dampner on things, does anyone else feel this way?

[candy]

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling down, Enchanted. I lost my dad recently but to be honest, feel more determined than ever therefore, to be happy for Christmas. I'm sending you e-hugs and try and have a good day tomorrow - your mum would want you to.

[Chinchilla]

No, but I was still sad about the loss of my Grandad two years after he died. I'm so sorry for your loss. She would have been such a huge part of your life, and sometimes grief is delayed. I think that you sub-consiously shelve it until you can deal with it, but I am no psychiatrist. I hope you can enjoy this Christmas with your family, and have a toast to your Mum. That's what we did for Grandad the Christmas that he died...it kind of made us feel that he was around because we were thinking of him. We had fun reminding ourselves of all his funny sayings ('You never know what's hanging 'til it drops' being one) and it did help.

All the best Enchanted.

[Toots]

Oh Enchanted, so sorry you're feeling so sad. The run up to the first anniversary of a parent dying sucks like anything. So does the first Christmas, and you're getting them both at once. I want to squeeze your hand. But it's so great that you've got a lovely new house and the potential for a community in which to get involved. That change in your circumstances will come to resonate more and more positively over the coming months and have so much meaning for you.

[janh]

Dear Enchanted, I'm sorry too that you feel so sad. My dad died in Feb - my mum in Feb 29 years before (same day) - I'm not quite as sad as you because my dad was very anti-social so we didn't see much of him but still the first Christmas knowing he's not there is difficult.

Please try to enjoy this Christmas as much as you can and try to remember that your mum would want you to be happy!

[mieow]

My best mate's baby died in febuary and this is her first christmas without him. They had last xmas with him and just 5 weeks later he died of a heart condition, he was 4 1/2 months old. Its hard for me to know what to say to her, as I have a baby the same age as he would have been. The tears well up here too. I miss him so much and can't imagine what tomorrow will be like for my friend.

[lou33]

Christmas is always a terribly hard time for people who have lost loved ones, and it hasn't even been a year for you Enchanted. It is ok to be feeling like you do, if you need a great big cry then go and have it. I imagine that a lot of your feelings are also to do with the fact that you feel guilty about having a good time, and feeling so pleased about other aspects of your life, when your mum is not around to share in it. This will be the 4th Christmas without my mum, and I still miss her dreadfully. I just don't seem to be able to "do" Christmas in the same way any more. I am hopeful that I will overcome this one day though, as I am sure you will. There will come a time for both of us, amd any others out there when we will be able to remember without pain. I hope you manage to get through this stressful time .

[AnnieMo]

My Father in Law died two weeks ago - we travelled South for the funeral on Friday and came back on Monday with my MIL with absolutely nothing prepared for Christmas - everything had been on hold while FIL was ill as we really did not know where we would be. It has all been very strange for us all - but somehow we have managed a relatively 'normal' Christmas - we had to for the children and to be honest they have kept us going. I am never that keen on Christmas after our son died four years ago - but we keep doing all the old things - just adding in new traditions in memory of those we have lost. This year we added lots of toasts and prayers for Grandpa and made sure that we talked about him and our memories lots - I'm sure that helped too - we also remember all his funny phrases with laughter. Grandma has been incredibly brave and just concentrated on enjoying her grandchildren and remembering the fifty years she enjoyed with her husband - it just makes us all realise how special family and friends are.

[Snugs]

My FIL died on Dec 16 (at the not so old age of 65) and the funeral was on the 20th. In addition, Dec 21 is the anniversary of my Granddads death and Boxing Day is my late Nan's birthday. But with 2 kids (5 and 18mths) you just have to try to keep the smile plastered on your face and plod on. DS1 understands we are upset since he has already lost his other granddad 3 years ago, and gives lots of big hugs - but DS2 crumbles into heartbreaking sobs if he sees anyone else cry and I can?t bear it.

In a strange way it is almost easier at this time of year, especially with kids around. They force you to keep your chin up and not dwell on your grief. And in years to come at least there is a mix of happy and sad memories. My dad died in the October - nothing else happens around that time and every year I find myself surrounded by nothing but sadness at that time.

[megg]

We usually have a death in January, every year in fact for the last five years. My mum died in January 11 years ago, Des' mam died in January 3 years ago and various other grandparents and relations since. Dreading it this year again. Somehow though since Des' mam and my mum were young when they died when its other relations (who are usually in their 70s and 80s) it doesn't tend to bother us that much, we just thing oh well they had a long time. Harsh it sounds I know but I don't think anyone bothers you that much again when its your parents who die.

[robinw]

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[Enchanted]

Thank you all for your support, I can't tell you how much better I felt after reading your responses. You have all just said exactly what Mum would have said if she were here.
Candy's Ehugs and having my hand squeezed by Toots has all been so comforting. The posting that had the biggest impact on me was from Mieow about her mates baby. I ran downstairs and held ds in my arms, nothing could possibly be worse than loosing a child, I send much love.
As I said Mum was old, happy and had us all with her and I suppose that's the way to go.
Thank you all so much. x

[WideWebWitch]

Enchanted and everyone else who has been bereaved, I think I know a bit how you feel. I hope this doesn't sound trite but it does get better, slightly, with the passing of time. The grief doesn't go away but it does ease a bit, I think. My Dad died in May 2001 but detested Christmas so this time of year is ok for me as it's not bound up with happy memories of him. More like memories of him behaving in a scrooge-like manner and moaning about it But I know it's different for everyone.

I know I've said it before, but for me bereavement was a bit like having a child in a way, in that I kept waiting for everything to be back to normal and the same as it was before but actually, I don't think it ever can or will be after either life changing event. I know that one is a happy event and one is not but both involve major emotional and physical upheaval and nothing is ever the same again. I do find the thought that he would have wanted us all to be happy comforting too. I hope the pain is starting to ease a bit now Christams is over Enchanted. Thinking of you too Bobbins.

[calcium]

enchanted you are not alone by reading all the messages on this thread. I too lost my mother, in 2000, one minute she was fine the next given 6 weeks to live. The first year I battled through mainly for my dad supporting him and Christmas is always a hard time for us as it meant so much to her to have her family around. This year has been the hardest for me as I had my little girl in June, on my mothers birthday, and this Christmas has been so hard as I have constantly had her in my thoughts and wish she had been here to share it with us all and with her little grand daughter whom she would have adored. I find it so difficult even to read others threads about berevement without crying. Having children really does help as you have someone else to concentrate on. I hope you managed to get through Christmas alright, I don't grieve infront of anyone but often cry on my own its my way of saying how much I cared for and miss her, just remember (and I am not religious) but she is probably watching over you and having a good chuckle about the way you cook your roast potatoes!!)