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I can't handle it when dh is away

(50 Posts)
Hayls Wed 05-Jan-05 15:58:22

My dh is on a work thing in America and wil be there until the 16th. This sounds really silly but he's only been gone for 1 day so far and I'm missing him so much already. I hate it when he's away even for one night so this is awful. I think the main problem is that I know that if I neded him in an emergency he couldn't be here, which he normally could do.
Any tips for helping me to cope with this? I'm starting back at work next week after a year's mat leave and dd is starting nuursery, which is also making me so stressed. I keep finding myself on the verge of crying and to top it all off I think I'm coming down with the cold.

Sorry to moan but I feel like I@m about to explode. He hasn't managed to phone yet and I keep imagining horrible things have or will happen to him. We've got no family anywhere near us and altough I've got quite a lot of 'baby' friends we're not that close. I am going to try and arrange as many activities as possible but I just know I'll end up even more lonelier than now

catgirl Wed 05-Jan-05 16:24:21

you have my sympathy. My dh used to travel a lot for work too, when our ds was about a year old - I was working full time by then and used to get a good friend (a pre-baby, without her own children) to come and stay (she viewed it as a 'holiday' from her dh!). It was great as it was a bit girly and good to have the company.

Can you get a good friend round to stay?

sorry this is rushed, trying to finish up. Good luck with returning to work/the nursery thing - why is the timing always so awful for these things? sending you hugs.

Grommit Wed 05-Jan-05 16:34:39

Hayls - I understand how you are feeling. My Dh works away from Tuesday - Thursday or Friday every week. It was very difficult the first time he went away when dd was a small baby - I cried for about 2 days. I don't have any family or friends nearby either so it was just me and dd. I just tried to keep busy and travel to see friends and make sure i planned at least one thing every day. Now I am back at work and have a ds in addition to dd and I have managed to get into a routine and I actually enjoy my evenings to myself!
It will get easier when you get back to work and your dd settles into nursery. Good Luck I know it is now easy

Lonelymum Wed 05-Jan-05 16:49:15

My huge sympathies to you. My dh has nights away freguently (about once a fortnight at the moment) and I am depressed for days before he goes, basically from when I know that he is going. My problem really revolves around a phobia I have which is normally kept in check by having dh around. When he goes, there is nothing between me and the phobia. Can you identify exactly what you dread happening when your dh is away? I think you will find going to work, once you have started again, makes it easier. An additional problem for me is that I am a SAHM and when dh is away, I can go days without speaking to an adult.

Hayls Wed 05-Jan-05 17:02:03

At least I know that I'm not the only one in this position. I just picked dd up from her settling in session from nursery, full of guilt at leaving her only to find her with a dummy in (I stressed that she was only allowed it when going to sleep) and discovered that she had eaten shortbread for pudding even though we don't let her have any sweet foods. I just know that if dh was here he'd calm me down and speak to them for me.

I'm sorry to go on but I just can't help thinking how many days I've got left on my own till he gets back and it reduces me to tears. I hate this feeling so much

lowcalCOD Wed 05-Jan-05 17:03:00

there sar elots of people on mn who no longer have a dh so I think you need to gte htis into perpective a little

FatFluckerFio Wed 05-Jan-05 17:09:33



I feel like i have no dh sometimes

Hayls Wed 05-Jan-05 17:11:11

I know that I'm lucky that I have dh and that other people aren't as lucky - I have utmost respect for them-but I can't help the way I feel. We both moved away from our families and as we don't have any close friends here I am far too dependent on him for everything. A major part of how I feel is that I'm worried about him as well becayse I know I won't hear from him regularly

CountessDracula Wed 05-Jan-05 17:12:28

Cod that isn't fair. Just because some people don't have dh's doesn't make it any easier for Hayls. Ffs lots of people have had their whole lives ruined and houses washed away - wouldn't make it any easier on you if your house fell down would it?

FatFluckerFio Wed 05-Jan-05 17:12:48

hayls my dh used to get posted out to the middle east and it is hard, try not to worry

Lonelymum Wed 05-Jan-05 17:13:05

I think that is unfair Coddy. There are a lot of things poeple go without but that doesn't mean it isn't hard for someone who is used to having them around.

FatFluckerFio Wed 05-Jan-05 17:15:29

I dont know what happens in your twisted little world cod, i really dont

CountessDracula Wed 05-Jan-05 17:16:50

She's craving fudge I reckon heh heh

misdee Wed 05-Jan-05 17:18:05

oh come on cod, my dh is away in hospital a heck of a lot, but i'd miss him more on a business trip.

FatFluckerFio Wed 05-Jan-05 17:21:07

<<fio straps coddy to stocks >>

fairyfly Wed 05-Jan-05 17:29:59

come and get yee rotten tomatoes, 50p a punnet

Blu Wed 05-Jan-05 17:34:34

Hayls - ooh, that seems such harsh timing, going back to work/nursery thing, and I am not surprised that you are upset to be facing that alone. Would it be possible for a family member to come and stay with you just for a day or two? It's ok to ask, you know, and unless there are some 'other' factors, they might feel pleased and flattered to be needed?
And give yourself a reality slap re emergencies - in an emergency, of course your baby friends would come - however close or not you are. And in a serious emergency, your DH would be home within 12 hours, wouldn't he?

Is this a chance to get a bit closer to baby friends? They are the ones who will understand about sending DD to nursery, and again, might feel honoured/flattered to be asked for a bit of support. I know I would! In fact a fairly casual baby friend of mine recently surpised me with a request for some personal advice and I was totally chuffed that she trusted me to help!

Go on - tell them how vulnreable you feel re work/nursery etc and invite one round to have a bottle of wine next week!

aloha Wed 05-Jan-05 17:41:46

Hayls, I hate it when my dh is OUT, let alone away! So I sympathise. I think though that you need to worry less about the little things - a bit of shortbread won't hurt, nor will giving your dd a dummy while she's settling in and maybe needs a bit more comfort than usual. I suspect you are really worried about going back to work and so are letting the little things get on top of you. I remember feeling really stressed when I went back to work after maternity leave and very tearful at times. It's hard. Think of this as a time to get closer to your friends. If you confide in them about your worries I'm sure they will be there for you.

Hayls Wed 05-Jan-05 18:32:39

Thanks everybody. Aloha, your advice is spot on, funily enough dh is always tellin gme that I worry too much about small things and to save it for things that matter (not that there was anything wrong witha nybody else's of course). I just dialled 1471 and there was a number witheld at 1.40 today when we were at a friend's house- by my reckoning that should be about waking up time in Minnesota so I'm sure it was him. I'm gutted though as we only left the house at 1.30.

I did tell some people today that he was away and they were very sympathetic and swapped stories a bit. I wish I could ask my family but we just spent Christmas with them and they're all back at work having used up all their leave to spend time with us (not to mention being 400 miles away)
Thanks again. I'm just going to put dd to bed and have a nearly night

Lonelymum Wed 05-Jan-05 18:37:03

As someone with an Australian dh and therefore in receipt of many calls from Oz, I can tell you that if 1471 said "The caller withheld their number" that means just that and the call was from the UK. If the call comes from abroad, the 1471 message is "We do not have the caller's mumber" or words to that affect. Hope that helps you.

Hayls Wed 05-Jan-05 18:38:49

It was 'WE do Not have the caller's number'. So that should mean that it was him then? I'm desperate to talk to him.

Lonelymum Wed 05-Jan-05 18:42:48

Yes that means the call came from abroad. Sounds like it was him. I am sure he will call again. If not today, I suppose you know to be in at about 1:40 tomorrow!

iota Wed 05-Jan-05 18:44:27

Hayls - does he have access to a pc? When my dh was in the USA (3 times) last yr he would contact me via AOL messenger whne he got up and we would 'chat online' He would text me from his phone as well

Hayls Wed 05-Jan-05 18:44:49

I certainly will be in tomorrow, in fact I'm not leaving the house again until I speak to him!

Hayls Wed 05-Jan-05 18:46:17

Thanks iota, I've sent him an email on the off chance that the hotel has INternet access. He said he would check as soon as he could but nothing yet... Hadn' thought of text messages though, I might just go and try that

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