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Third child - to have or not to have?

(14 Posts)
RushingAround Thu 12-Dec-02 10:24:22

I want a third child! But dh doesn't.

He says what we have is perfect, and if we had another child we'd never cope, we barely do now, holidays would be different, we'd be even tireder, we'd have to get a new car, a new house ... blah, blah. He's right of course. Perfectly logical. It's all nice and tidy as it is now, and we just about muddle through, good days, not so good days.

I KNOW I should be satisfied with what we have ... but there's been a little nagging voice in me that has always said - it wasn't "the last time" last time, I want it all again, just one last time.

Anyone else out there who's been in the same position?

Demented Thu 12-Dec-02 10:42:06

I don't want to stop at two either, RushingAround, although DS2 is only six months now so it isn't an urgent voice inside me. I keep wondering if I will feel differently when DS2 is a toddler and DS1 at school, maybe I will feel then that I have enough on my plate, will have to wait and see. Why do men have to see things logically?

babster Thu 12-Dec-02 11:04:49

It's a tricky one. My younger dd is 8 months old now, and under our bed there's a huge bag of outgrown baby clothes that I can't bear to give away just yet. Fortunately dh is one of three and likes the idea of having another... but when is the right time? Is it best to 'get it over with' while we're used to broken nights, nappies and no social life, or wait until the first two are at school/nursery, by which time we might be a bit too comfortable to want to change? Oh, and giving birth again... (shudder!)

lou33 Thu 12-Dec-02 11:14:11

You dh is right, things get a lot trickier with more children,(i have 4), but it is nice to see them all playing together (when they are not fighting!) Christmas will never feel lonely, and think of all those grandchildren to play with when they grow up! You won't find many minutes in the day to have by yourself though for many years!

I think this thread is also connected to my input on the lax with contraception thread. I think our bodies are programmed to want another baby a certain time after having the last one, about 14 months imo. It's a way of making sure we keep the population healthy! I ended up being sterilised to stop any more winging my way. I like to think all my angels have been sent to me now.

RushingAround Thu 12-Dec-02 11:35:09

Ooops! Looks like I shouldn't have started a new thread here, there's a whole lot of (Interesting!) stuff on the lax about contraceptives thread . Hmmm, guess I should take some ideas from there - but I wouldn't want to "trick" dh into sthg he says now he doesn't want .

Ah well, must be the time of year, grey outside etc.

mears Thu 12-Dec-02 22:44:50

I wanted number 4, dh didn't really. I told him we would never have sex again if we couldn't have another baby. He caved in

chiarasmom Fri 13-Dec-02 03:40:32

RushingAround, I am curious how old you are and how old are your 2? It's funny, everyone seems to want at least 2, but then it really becomes a big debate on 3. Also, are your 2 boys? girls? or 1 of each? Just curious. I have to tell you that not one single one of my friends who has 3 regrets having 3, although I do have one friend who regrets having her 4th. Unfortunately, none of my friends who has 2, are old enough to tell me whether or not they regret only having 2, since I suppose they could change their mind at any time. . .

SoupDragon Fri 13-Dec-02 08:02:12

I have difficulty reconciling my wish to "try for a girl" with the knowledge that I couldn't go through the whole horrible birth process again. DH is happy with his 2 boys and has no wish to go through the upheaval and disruption of another baby.

Part of me doesn't feel like DS2 was my last baby but unless they can guarantee me a painfree birth and a girl who sleps through from day 1, I can't see it happening.

Crunchie Fri 13-Dec-02 09:30:05

I'm the one on who started the lax with contraception thread as I feel a bit like you. What we have is perfect (2 girls) but part of me wants another, however I know my DH feels the same and we both keep saying that it's silly to try again. Perhaps it is having 2 girls, perhaps it's just an old wish I always had. But it is hard. When I found out I wasn't pg this month I was actually pleased for a change, so maybe it is silly to think about it. After a morning like this morning when I cried, the toddler cried, the baby cried and I felt I couldn't cope!

RushingAround Fri 13-Dec-02 09:58:56

Big Birthday is next year and dh is 44 next week, so that ol' clock is ticking! ds is 5, dd is 2.

Thought I was pg a few weeks ago, but was just 8 days late - maybe a very early miscarriage?? When I put it to dh he went very thoughtful, then later said, you know I really don't want a 3rd child. When I eventually told him it was a false alarm, he went thoughtful again and said he'd just been getting used to the idea!

Was so pleased at the idea in that week, but nervous too, it's one thing to think you may want sthg, but another when it's maybe a reality. I thought maybe remembering this nervousness would have 'cured' me now of this desire for a 3rd - but no.

It would have had to have been a miracle tho' - we're pretty un-lax with the ol' contraception.

mollipops Fri 13-Dec-02 13:22:44

mears, you meanie

RushingAround, I had the same thing happen a few months ago...when I was "late" (and I never am!). Dh was horrified, I was shocked by the strength of his reaction, he basically said he wouldn't want it and I shouldn't go ahead with it (if I was pg)! I was sooo relieved to find I wasn't! But a tiny part of me was sad, too.

We also have 2, dd is 6 and ds is 3. I know he is right logically, that we can cope with the two we have, both parenting-wise and financially, but another would put a strain on things in so many ways. Now we are past the toilet training, teething, sleepless nights etc, I'm not sure I could handle it. Well of course I could if I had to, but I really don't want to. It's just this romantic idea in my head of a sweet-smelling newborn, suckling at the breast, smiling toothless smiles at me and gurgling etc...which is all very lovely - until I recall the screaming, the colic, the nappies, the tiredness, the sore boobs, stitches, no time to do ANYTHING else. Maybe I have got a bit selfish with my time again, but then again I deserve a break too!

A friend had the same feeling you all describe, about her family not being "finished" after her first two chldren. Then happy with 3, she was sailing along, returning to work and applying to uni, when whammo along came number 4! You know what they say, be careful what you wish for!

Khara Fri 13-Dec-02 22:36:05

I, too, want a 3rd. Dh definitely does not. Ds1 is 4.5, Ds2 is nearly 14 months. Like others on this thread, I never really felt Ds2 was my last. I really want to go through the pregnancy, birth, caring for a small baby again - mad or what? I'm trying to decide if it's because I want a girl, but I think I'd be the same if I already had one of each. I know for a fact that if I could only have children of one sex, I'd always have chosen boys over girls. (I've always been a tomboy - and much preferred train sets to barbies.)

I feel so miserable because dh is so adamant. But I'm also worried that if I nagged him enough until he gave in (not likely, as he's very stubborn) that it would destroy the family. Mears - you persuaded dh (against his better judgement) to have a fourth. Does he ever hold it against you?

Dh basically says it's just my hormones - and he's probably right. But it's a very strong feeling - I want another baby. Even after this last week, when both ds have been ill, and we've had no sleep at all.

chiarasmom Sun 15-Dec-02 02:41:28

Khara - have you checked out the "lax with contraception" thread. Methinks you are feeling the "14-month-itch" . . . Sounds like a very real phenomenon. The question is: does it ever pass? And if so, when??

ariel Tue 17-Dec-02 10:10:25

Have not read the whole thread so sorry if i repeat what someone else might have already said, after no 2 i really thought i could never cope with another child(dd2 is disabled and very hard work), eventully dh and i decided to have no 3, the one thing i was dreading all the way through the pregnancy was how i would cope, my biggest dread was the whole morning school rush, it was hard enough with 2.We also went through the whole "new car thing " " bigger house" "lack of money", but in the end it was fine, I honestly beleive its no harder having 2 kids to having 3 , yes you have a little more washing and a little less time and money, but its so worth it, mind you i have recently learnt to drive so that makes things so much easier.

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