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can you help me

(45 Posts)
nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 13:20:50

my MIL died of cancer in sept. she was cremated and she had asked if she could have her ashes scattered in her fave place - its a (very) remote glen.

anyway, we havent done it yet because my FIL is having problems coming to terms with it all and he has now decided to do it on her birthday next month.

this is all very nice, but he wants the whole family to go and i dont know how we will manage. first of all it means putting dd's in the car for 5/6 hrs and they will scream the whole way, i can see it now. then we have to stay over with dh's horrid creepy uncle (i asked if we could stay at a hotel nearby but dh said no he doesnt want to offend anyone and we cant afford it anyway). i wont be able to sleep at night in that slimy uncles house.

then i will have to stand in this glen freezing to death while we scatter the ashes.

please dont think i am being a bitch. i think its a lovely thought but i really dont want to take dd's. i think its totally impractical and i know MIL would agree with me!

will i just have to go?

feastofstevenmom Fri 17-Dec-04 13:27:55

what does DH think? would he be okay with a strategically timed cold/tummy bug etc.

completely agree it would be wholly impracticable to take too littlies all the way for this trip.

Joolstide Fri 17-Dec-04 13:32:29

have you no-one to take care of your dd's?

how old are they? - long journeys in the car with little ones can be a nightmare. Also isn't it going to be a bit solemn for them?

Also I would definitely insist on getting a cheap B&B or something - there's nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in someone else's house (especially when they're 'slimy'!) A little compromise if called for imo!

cazzybabs Fri 17-Dec-04 13:35:48

What about just saying such a occassion is inapproiate for young children.

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 13:43:10

dd1is 2 yrs and dd2 2 mths

FIL keeps saying things like 'Maureen would have wanted the grandchildren there' 'i hope you can all make it' etc etc

im scared to say to dh that i dont want to take them incase he goes nuts. i have put off millions of times going to this uncles house and i think im running out of excuses.

and to be honest, i think MIL only wanted her dh to do it on his own. she would be horrified at the thought of me standing there in the blizzards and gale force winds with a toddler and a tiny baby. for a start she would have rather we were there on a summers day, or as i said her dh on his own

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 13:44:09

im so relieved you all agree with me, thats its made me cry

Joolstide Fri 17-Dec-04 13:52:30

I can that your FIL would want some support - but really don't think its on for dd's that young.

Being a gm myself I can't think for one minute that your MIL would want you take the dd's.

Why don't you suggest dh goes to support his dad but say that you would prefer to stay beind cos you'd find it too traumatic with 2 little ones - all that way in winter for such a solemn occasion.

I know we all sometimes have to do things we don't want to - but this sounds a bit much!

(Don't stay at Uncle Slimys - please!)

Gobbledigoose Fri 17-Dec-04 14:08:36

Nailpolish - please do what is best for you and your dd's and not what everyone else wants you to do.

There is no way I'd take mine (aged 3, 2 and 3 months) to that anyway - it's hardly a happy occasion.

DH's nan died recently and dh went to the funeral but I stayed home with the kids (he had to travel 250 miles to go) - I don't think funerals and things like that are a place for kids regardless of all the other issues.

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 14:12:11

agree - no-one expected me to take them to the funeral so why would i have to take them to this? its just so impractical. maybe if it was nearby or in nicer weather but its not.

i do want to go to support dh - my mum would be happy to have them overnight. im scared to say so to dh though. if it was just the 2 of us he would probably agree to staying in a hotel.

i wish my MIL was here to be on my side

SantaClausfrau Fri 17-Dec-04 14:35:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiefish Fri 17-Dec-04 14:38:22

can't you speak to your dh- explain the impracticalities and ask him whether he thinks his mother would have wanted to put the kids through it-

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 14:43:01

yes that sounds nice santaclausfrau - esp the candle. dh has a brother so it would be the three of them. but by the sounds of it FIL wants his whole family to go, about 10 people. if dh wants me to go ill go with him but i cant take dd's.

its always the same with his family - they never listen and are very selfish. i always stand up for me and dd's but get ignored

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 14:44:28

pixie - i can hear dh now 'you always have to make things awkward blah blah blah' then ill get ignored anyway (by his whole family)

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 14:50:18

another thing - do you need permission to scatter ashes?

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 15:57:54


moschops Fri 17-Dec-04 16:27:41

just wanted to say i agree with you about not taking the little ones. not much i can give in the way of advice but wanted to keep this near the top for you for when more people log on later

spacedonkey Fri 17-Dec-04 16:29:27

np, is it your DH that wants the whole family to go or is it FIL?

pixiefish Fri 17-Dec-04 16:34:31

If he won't be reasonable- at the end of the day- just put your foot down and tell him that you won't go- tell him why and that if he tries to make an issue of it he's being unreasonable at what should be a sad time

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 16:38:31

its FIL sm

dh just wants to keep the peace cos im always arguing with his family - they cant see past their own wants and needs

but i feel that MIL would have agreed with me

spacedonkey Fri 17-Dec-04 16:39:30

Can dh not just tell fil that he would prefer to come on his own and he thinks mum would have liked it that way?

xoz Fri 17-Dec-04 16:47:34

I'm sure FIL envisages doing the scattering of the ashes in a lovely peaceful glen, not with 2 little people screaming their heads off because they're cold/hungry/bored/whatever other reason come into their heads at the time!!! Maybe if you place that vision before them they might think about it again.... to have gthe children there would not make for a solemn peaceful event IMO, and maybe they just haven't thought about it from that perspective. If you try putting in a way that appeals to their selfish motives, would that help do you think???

nailpolish Fri 17-Dec-04 17:22:17

ill try to get dh to be on my side about this then he can approach FIL

you made some good points xoz, thanks for that x

DoesntChristmasDragOn Fri 17-Dec-04 18:25:38

Apparently you need permission from the land owner to scatter ashes.

aloha Fri 17-Dec-04 18:35:38

Yes, but what can they do (if this place is in private ownership at all)? Make you pick them up again? I doubt very much that anyone will be a remote glen in January...
I'd leave the babies behind and ignore all the blackmail with a sunny smile and a repeated, "No thank you. We prefer to do it this way". Don't keep trying to explain yourself if people are being unreasonable, and tbh, I think it would be most unreasonable to force a couple of babies to drive for six hours just to scatter ashes.

DoesntChristmasDragOn Fri 17-Dec-04 18:57:43

Maybe so but the fact remains that you should ask permission of the land owner. Nailpolish asked if you need permission.

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