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Your own personal Hell

(111 Posts)
Califrau Mon 04-Feb-08 19:41:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janeite Mon 04-Feb-08 20:24:03

Fab thread!

Okay I've been a bad girl and here I am in hell -

Northfield, Birmingham on a Saturday afternoon. I am with Dawn French and she is singing Take That songs over and over again. And all there is to eat is meat. And all there is to read is Ian McCewan.


VintageGardenia Mon 04-Feb-08 20:25:21

This is a superb thread.

In my personal hell I have missed the last bus or train home and have not got my phone with me, or any money to call anyone. It's about three in the morning and I have to walk eleven miles home. I am drunk enough to feel lousy, not drunk enough not to care. It is lashing rain and I am wearing a hairy mohair jumper which quickly gets soaked. Rain spottles my glasses and trickles down my neck. I need to go to the loo badly and also realise I am getting my period. I have not put on deodorant that morning and as I walk I smell the combination of wet wool and armpit. My jeans are too tight (and sodden) and the label at the neck of my jumper is wearing a sore at the nape of my neck. Etc etc into the night. Oh and I have a job interview at 8.30 the following morning and have to go back into town first to collect my car.

edam Mon 04-Feb-08 20:27:37

It would involve a swimming pool (fear of water and not being able to wear my glasses). And a poolside restaurant where I had to eat meat. Although not having glasses on might actually help, there, I suppose. And someone reading aloud the complete works of Jeffrey Archer, while the music system plays experimental jazz.

I think in hell they speak french very quickly while sucking sticks of seaside rock.

magsi Mon 04-Feb-08 20:31:28

O.k, mine would be being stuck in a lift with a load of daddy longlegs dive bombing me and then a load of gnats eating me alive!!!

<remembers not to read any more James Herbert>

Quattrocento Mon 04-Feb-08 20:32:09

Being stuck in a lift with Gordon Brown

Vacua Mon 04-Feb-08 20:33:20

there is no waitrose, no john lewis

I have to use public transport, there are no private cars

and shop at asda

there is no high speed internet connection, anywhere - we are back to pay by the minute dial up and pay by the minute internet usage circa 1996

CountessDracula Mon 04-Feb-08 20:33:59

pmsl @ this thread!

Mine would be in a car park of Ikea surrounded by massive 4x4s, unable to cross the road to get coffee (due to said beasts).

A small dog would be yapping constantly in the background and there would be a big pond full of seaweed that I had to stand in while waiting to cross the road.

I would be repeatedly forced to eat food containing lemon grass and to drink camomile tea.

There would be no ventolins and I would be choking on fumes. Lee Evans would be doing his hilarious stand-up routine next to me.

CountessDracula Mon 04-Feb-08 20:34:39

God I feel quite faint re-reading that

StressTeddy Mon 04-Feb-08 20:35:36

Not 100% sure of the total "vibe" in my personal hell but it would defo involve Sian Lloyd, people who talk and get globules of spit attached from one lip to the other (boak) and shellfish

Every half hour Shirley Bassey will sing My Way. In between a chorus of grannies will keep up a constant background of The Wheels on the Bus.

hecate Mon 04-Feb-08 20:39:36

Hey everyone, don't forget --- Mumsnet would not exist and we'd all be members of <insert name of fluffy ticker-filled site of choice, cos I'm too cowardly..>

LittleMy34 Mon 04-Feb-08 20:42:15

In mine there would be plug in air fresheners in every electric socket in the house, plus those ones that do the 'puff' every three minutes and change colour - all with different smells. the windows would be sealed shut, and the heating stuck on full. the TV would be showing Dancing on Ice, Strictly Come Dancing and Blind Date on a continuous loop on full volume. the only thing to eat would be anchovies and Spam.
and Jeremy Clarkson and Jeremy Paxman would be having an argument on my sofa.

hecate Mon 04-Feb-08 20:43:18

and they'd be nekked....

magsi Mon 04-Feb-08 20:45:06

OMG am I going to have nightmares tonight! grin

That is truly hell littlemy34 i presume Bruce Forsythe is in the kitchen naked except for pointed shiny shoes and everyone's pockets are full of loose jam.

LittleMy34 Mon 04-Feb-08 20:46:51


the nakedness pushed me over the edge.

[sticks straws in her hair and gibbers]

VeniVidiVickiQV Mon 04-Feb-08 20:49:05

A world with no sugar, no flat shoes, a bra that is too tight, knickers that keep disappearing up your arse crack, the smell of ashtrays all around, interspersed with vomit and diarrhoea smells, and no plants.

FuriousGeorge Mon 04-Feb-08 20:50:31

I'd be stuck in a pothole,with 2ft of icy cold water lapping around my calves.A vomitting child would be sitting on my knee,puking to a background of Celine Dion warbling horribly and a dog barking over & over again.

All there would be to eat would be tofu & cous cous,drink would be herbal tea,and I'd be forced to watch X Factor,Srictly Come Dancing,and other tosh of that ilk.My reading matter would be 'hello''ok' & dire mnagazines with either Jordan or Kerry Katona on the front.It would smell of sweaty trainers & wet dog.

Think reading matter is actually the Gideon Bible and the complete unabridged Thomas the Tank Engine collection/

oxocube Mon 04-Feb-08 20:54:11

brilliant thread but have to go away and ponder my Hell - cannot do 'Spur of the Moment Hell' !!

Carmenere Mon 04-Feb-08 20:57:38

Bill Clintons autobiography is definitely my reading matter in hell.

TaLcYonHerTodd Mon 04-Feb-08 21:01:50

A never ending plane journey with kylie minogue singing on the tannoy.

bunnyhunny Mon 04-Feb-08 21:02:37

needmorecoffee - you beat me to it!

Ikea before christmas and heavily pregnant (this actually happened btw, but the details are added) or perhaps pregnancy would be a nice thing, so maybe just fat and feeling sick instead.

there is loads of raw meat and fish everywhere. music would be rap - really hardcore mysogynistic rap. and there would only be hello and take a break to read.
and they would make me wear 'fashion', makeup and have my nails painted. and I would be wearing heels.


oxocube Mon 04-Feb-08 21:06:27

Nothing to eat except celery and doner kebab. I have no teeth, have become a chain smoker and live in an enclosed space with maggots squirming around my feet. I am watching endless episodes of Neighbours and Eastenders without alcohol. There is no central heating and there are no computers except for 'tennis' and 'space invaders'.

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