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Not sure if this should be named bullying but...How do you reasure somebody that DS will be fine without letting DS down ?

(11 Posts)
MeMySonAndI Wed 03-Oct-07 21:39:38

DS has been having a bad time this week, we were told by his teacher that he is being disruptive in class and that other children are "already rejecting him"

The rejection was not surprising as he endured quite a lot of bullying last year, but I was quite shocked at being told that he has started to push other children and be noughty to them. Very shocked indeed as the regular image of DS when in big groups of children is either one pushing him, hitting him or even worse, pestering him around when DS is trying to ignore the other children's aggresion and move out of the way.

He is a single child so it is not very good at fighting, if attacked he just curls himself near the floor and bears the brunt of it, obviously, he cries.

After the report from the teacher I talked to him and he said that he is sad because he doesn't have any friends, which unfortunately, it is true. I talked about being nice and good to other children and he told me he didn't know how. He seems quite deflated about it. (He is just four years old but sometimes the way that he describes his feelings make me very sad )

Anyways, today I had some children over and one of them became quite OTT with him, mother was very apologetic and it was obvious that she was trying to do something about it. But the damage was done, the child was possibly very tired, but he dug his nails in DS's arms, when I removed him he went for his shoulders and finally kept screaming to him "you are not my friend" "I don't want you to come to my house!" (mother had just invited DS), etc. DS was only having a look (without touching) at one toy belonging to the other child.

I'm shocked at the lack of reaction of the two of us, DS just got his comforter and sat to my side, I could see that the mother was trying hard to stop the child so I didn't say anything to the child.

Now mum has very nicely sent me an e-mail apologising and asking how DS is... and I really don't know what to say... he is fine now (he is sleeping) but he was very sad, he sat on my lap and hugged me for about 10 minutes after they left, he also asked me why I didn't say anything to the child sad
And he is right, I'm kicking myself about it, I should have said something but I have no idea of what.

How do I tell nice mum he is fine without minimising how sad he felt? I feel awful at pretending he was fine but at the same time I don't want to upset the mum who, as I said was very very apologetic.

Any ideas?

Thank you

MeMySonAndI Wed 03-Oct-07 21:48:26


tinpot Wed 03-Oct-07 21:51:23

Poor you and ds, that's a sad story about the playdate today.

I found it very concerning that 'if attacked he just curls himself near the floor and bears the brunt of it'. It's not ok for him to be attacked at any time and shouldn't have the 'bear the brunt'. When is this happening? At school? If so this is an issue to raise at school asap.

Where was he bullied if he is only 4 years old. That is so sad.

Regarding what happened today I would explain to your ds that it is not your place to tell another child off when his own mummy is there. Perhaps you could share with the nice mum some of the problems that your ds has been having at school. Maybe more dates with friends over will help him to establish relationships with his peers and he won't be 'rejected' by them. Did the teacher outline what the 'disruptive behaviour' is? Not sure if this helps but I know I would hate it if this was my ds that this was happening to.

Jossiejump Wed 03-Oct-07 22:06:49

This is so sad, as a teacher and a parent I feel very strongly that the school should listen to you and work with you to address the problems within school.
Regarding the playdate, I would tell my son that it was the other mum's duty to deal with it, just as you would have done if the situation was reversed.
Beyond that I really don't know what to say apart from the fact that you and your son should not have to put up with this and that I really feel for you both.

MeMySonAndI Wed 03-Oct-07 22:09:26

The headteacher want to talk to us about the disruptive bahaviour (aparently he doesn't allow other children to work), I think I can help on that but I think I will need to focus on what they are doing to protect him and preventing him becoming the bully target.

We spoke to the teacher last year, who unfortunately started suggesting things as if he had AS. She didn't believe me when I said he did imaginitive play and that he played with other children in his other nursery (I even had to take pictures of him taken by the other nursery for them to see. Other teacher was very concerned about the impressions of new school as she had not observed any of them). I understand that at the end of the day... there are plenty of shades on the autistic spectrum but being so aware of other people's feelings is not one of them. Besides, apart from finding it difficult to realte to other children in this particular school he doesn't seem to be showing any other signs.

We have been working quite a lot on the shymess aspect too, so I was very pleased that he seemed to be interacting more with children this year. He seemed so happy in his new class that I thought things were going well... instead we were told he was worse than last year.

prufrock Wed 03-Oct-07 22:19:17

I don't think you should tell nice mum he is fine. You should tell her that he was really upset, but that you appreciated that she tried her best to fix the situation, and try to enlist her help to get him making friends.

1crazymumof2 Wed 03-Oct-07 22:23:37

MemysonandI, i really feel for you and your little boy. sad

If in the past hes has been bullied, beaten so badly that hes had to curl up on the floor to protect himself, then it is not really unexpected that he himself will begin to bully as a form of protection. I would explain to the school that this type of behaviour is common in children who have been bullied. There seems to be an awful amount of bullying and aggresion in a place that should be safe and nurturing, do the school have an anti bullying policy? Rather than just pointing the finger at your dc, are they taking active measures to stop this kind of thing going on? And how can a four year old dissrupt a class so much to warrant a meeting, whos keeping him occupied iyswim.

In response to the little boys mum, i would respond that yes he was very upset when they left, but understands he is sorry, and is now okay. Wish you all the best.

HonoriaGlossop Wed 03-Oct-07 23:26:02

I'm so sorry to hear of your ds' difficulties. i have to say what strikes me strongly is that he is only 4.

I've banged on about this in the past because of my own experiences with my ds, but I think for some boys, four is just too young for school sad

If I were you I would put the stress back where it belongs; they need to be helping your ds settle in - I assume that if he's four he has just started reception; this term should be mostly about settling, socialising and learning about friendships. they need to HELP your ds with this. I'd keep on like a broken record to them - what strategies are they using to help? What positive strategies do they have to promote and re-inforce good behaviour?

Don't let them make you think that him being 'rejected' is inevitable. He needs help, the poor little boy!

Very best of luck with this. Oh and please don't read too much into the playdate thing; the problem was not your ds, someone elses! Playdates can still be hard going at this fact, I've read on here LOTS, that many people just do not have them, at least for the early days of reception. I know my ds needed to get home and chillout, NOTHING else, at the end of the school day. I'd leave it for now.

Alambil Wed 03-Oct-07 23:33:44

any chance you can teach him to yell "NO!" in their faces?

DS went through some bullying at nursery (from a young, full on kid) and this firm, loud "NO!" was enough to bring the teachers without DS getting in trouble for hurting - shouting isnt THAT bad IMPO in these examples

Then, when he is 5 (cos most start then), send him to some martial arts programme so he has the ability to PROTECT himself (not fight...) and get some confidence ?

This is exactly what I have planned for ds (also 4 for the next couple weeks) and it definitely worked at nursery - the NO was enough to shock the kids and alert the teacher / dinner staff

Hope he is ok

MeMySonAndI Thu 04-Oct-07 00:04:42

Thank you for your suggestions. They are much apreciated.

In one way I agree that he is too young, but at the same time, he is so enthusiastic about reading and maths that I really don't know any longer what is right. Gosh... I'm wondering now if they are going to tell me to wait another year... anyways, he won't be the first one in the family to be expelled from reception! (following on the steps of his mother, I supose...blush)

Regarding what to do about the bullies... we first asked him to ignore them and find some one else to play; he then said that he was trying to ignore them but they didn't stop; we told him about yelling "stop it!" and if they didn't stop to go and stand to the side of someone from the staff, we spoke to the staff about trying to arrange a budy, etc and finally seeing that nothing worked we told him to hit back... We thought it was working, actually, it worked perfectly with a boy that had been bitting him for a couple of years, to the point that they became best friends, but now said boy has left the school and DS is finding it difficult to get another one.

DS is not the sort of boy who would hit a child out of the blue. According to his previous teacher he has a strong awareness of fairness, and wouldn't go into that.

Obviously, I'm also very annoyed at the fact that they didn't move a finger to protect DS and then they want to talk to us about him being disruptive... Someway I feel a bit discriminated, why they didn't talk to the parents of the children who spent a year making DS feel miserable?

1crazymumof2 Thu 04-Oct-07 00:21:24

I can understand why you feel that way, me.
Like you've said they've just stood by and allowed this to happen to your son, and are now not prepared to cope with the fallout, sounds like a serious case of passing the buck here.

You, know you're son better than anyone else, however can you get a referal via GP to talk about possibilities of things such as AS? that way you're armed with solid facts when the school next bring this up.

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