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how do other parents feel about being a surrogate mother?

(14 Posts)
glaskham Tue 02-Oct-07 10:07:31

i am hoping to become a surrogate mother for a very close friend of mine who cannot have a child of her own for certain reasons.....we are taking things slowly and making sure we all know this is the right move for us.....some close friends have tried to put me off by saying that they dont think its fair on my two being so young (18mths and nearly 3yrs) and that i am still too young to be having babies for other people (i'm 22yrs old) but i know i have finished my family now. i feel that while i know i am still fertile and know i can go through this for a friend then i should while i can. i want to do straight surrogacy (using my eggs and the fathers sperm) but i know there will be no bond between me and the baby, mainly due to how it will be concieved, my husband is fully supportive of me but my other friends arent so much......i am basically asking for views on the situation- i know that it takes a certain person to ba able to carry a baby for someone else, but i just want to know your views as if i were one of your friends, would you be against it? or supportive?

sKerryMum Tue 02-Oct-07 10:10:58

I think it's very generous of you to be thinking of doing this for your friend. I could never do it.

We bond with the babies in our belly even before they are born and when they are born our bodies produce certain chemicals which overwhelm us with feeling for the baby (causing bonding).

Regardless of whose sperm it is I think you are kidding yourself if you don't think you will bond with this baby.

FranSanDisco Tue 02-Oct-07 10:13:13

I think what you want to do for your friend is marvellous. My Sil became a mother to twin boys last week using a surrogate mother. She had cancer in the 20's hence the decision to use a surrogate. My sil and her dh are over the moon. The Surrogate mother will recieve counselling apparently as this was her first time. I don't think I could do it and I think it takes a special person. I would support you if you really wanted to do it though.

VoodooLULUmama Tue 02-Oct-07 10:14:43

if you were my friend, you would have my absolute admiration

i would want to make sure you had had counselling and support to make this decision, as carrying a baby, giving birth and then giving the baby to someone else, even a close friend, is a huge step.

interestingly, i met a woman at playgroup last week who is 5 months pregnant, as a surrogate for her friend , who has been trying for a baby for 15 years. She says she does not feel pregnant, the way she did with her own babies, and almost forgets she is pregnant half the time.

i would consider carrying a baby for my sister, as we are very close, and i would always have a chance to see the baby, as it would be part of our family. I don;t honestly think i could do it for a friend.

how long have you known this close friend, how old is she and how long has she been trying?

glaskham Tue 02-Oct-07 10:16:51

thanks for your comments.....i know it will be hard to not bond with the baby but if i know from day 1 that this baby is and never will be mine and my friends bond with their baby while i'm pregnant i feel this can be overcome....my children were created by the love between myself and my husband, and this baby will be created for the love between my firend and her husband....i have started going on a support site for people within surrogacy and have met many surrogate mothers who have said while you are pregnant if the bond between myself and the baby's parents is strong enough there is never any doubt about bonding with the baby..... i think i am trying to see where my other friends are coming from so i can re-assure them that i will not be let down by this experience....

VoodooLULUmama Tue 02-Oct-07 10:18:46

glaskham

you should not be worried about your other friends, it is not your job to sort them out!
it is you and your friend who are important in this.

your feelings and theirs are paramount in all of this

mytwopenceworth Tue 02-Oct-07 10:19:59

I think you are amazing. I personally couldn't do it, because I know that no matter how much I told myself that it wasn't my baby, I just wouldn't be able to let it go.

If I was your friend however, I would admire you and support you. I would also want you to think very carefully and might ask some difficult questions, to ensure that you really HAD thought it through.

glaskham Tue 02-Oct-07 10:23:00

FranSanDisco and VoodooLULUmama, thanks for your replys- they almost brough tears to my eyes, people who understand even if you couldn't really do it yourself, my friend and i have known each other for 4 years now, she is a bit older than me at 31 but as i became a mother very young i had to grow up fast, and most of my friends are between 30 and 40 anyway, so its not a strange friendship!! my friend is my daughters godmother and even though she lives 1.5 hrs drive away we see each other at least twice a month- even if its only for a brew and a chat!!! she has known since turning 15 that she cannot ever concieve as she has a heart condition that means she could never carry a baby long enough without a fatality to either herself or the baby....

VoodooLULUmama Tue 02-Oct-07 10:30:44

i think that you should have the requisite counselling, and if you all truly believe you can do this with a happy ending, then go for it.

there is nothing to stop you having more children of your own later on surely, but obviously bear in mind that any complications that might develop during pregnancy and birth might have implications for future pregnancies

22 is far too young IMO to decide you want no more children

glaskham Tue 02-Oct-07 10:39:03

i fully understand that, well myself and my darling husband only intially wanted the one, but concieved baby number 2 while on the mini pill (baby number one concieved on the pill too- but both have genuine failure reasons) we have said that we are definatley dont 'want' any more now, but should we fall pregnant again by mistake then we would happily welcome another baby as we know what becomes of a pregnancy, and could never terminate a healthy baby......so should something happen during a surrogate pregnancy that left me unable to have any more children, we'd not be too upset by it, we have a healthy little family and are very happy as we are, and appreciate what we've been blessed with (partly the reason i want to do this)......me and my hubby know exactly what we have in our two, the love we have for them is undyeing, and to imagine being without them is unbearable, so we know how much it would mean for us to be able to do this for our friends...

VoodooLULUmama Tue 02-Oct-07 10:52:31

best of luck and i hope that you are able to do this in a positive way and everyone is happy and content at the end of it x

deo357 Fri 30-Oct-09 14:10:23

hi there glaskam,

i so think 22 is a bit young to decide you dont want anymore kids as i had my first at 21, and i often daid no more then changed my mind. But, think it is totally understandable that you want to be a surrogate. I had a friend that had problems and i did offer to do it for her once upon a time, but she has gone on to have 2. Now i am the one who cant have anymore and am deperate, and wish i had a friend like you that would do it for me xx

diddl Fri 30-Oct-09 15:53:29

But being a surrogate won´t affect you having more children in the future.

I couldn´t do it.

If your husband spports you,I would say that thatnis one of the main things.

diddl Fri 30-Oct-09 15:54:45

Didn´t notice that this was so oldblush

Anyone know hwat happened?

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