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How many parents that BF to sleep and did attached parenting went back to work and sent DC to a CM or Nursery?

(21 Posts)
Shoshable Tue 18-Sep-07 20:11:58

Just interested, I am a CM, and the amount of children who have come to me between 3/6 months, who have been fed to sleep and carried everywhere, knowing that the mum is going to go back to work, and that no CM or Nursery will have time to do that (it is impossible to carry one child around constantly when you have two other under 5's to see to as well.)is amazing.

I'm all for parenting how you wish, and try very hard to carry on Mums routine, and ways, but to be honest most of the time it is just not practical.

Did you (who went back to work,) get them used to going to sleep on their own and being put down happily by them selves before you went back.

Ive been lucky th last few years that my Mums have, but find it heartbreaking for DC that havnt and then have to share the adults time with 2 other under 5's.

noddy4 Tue 18-Sep-07 21:28:50

my little one went to the cm at about 6 months..being a single parent she was only used to me but i think because i have brought her up on my own,she never got carried around,as i obviously had to do household duties as well..She settled right in at the cm's and she gave me advice on certain things that i should think about doing..
but i must admit, when you are a single parent, the last thing on your mind is..'oh, hmmmm, i wonder if she will fit into the cm's routine....'

Shoshable Tue 18-Sep-07 21:58:50

Thanks for your reply Noddy.

As I said got some great mums, but have known one, that BF her Lo, and carried him continually as he wouldn't settle.

The Lo went into a Nursery at 4 months, the first day, nobody could get him to take a bottle of EBM, in the the Mum had to be called in, turned out the Lo had never been given a bottle before!

It isnt the only one I have known, either.

No CM would expect you to have a child ready for a CM routine, but basic practicalities yes.

By the way I was a single parent for most of DS's life. No its not easy.

hunkermunker Tue 18-Sep-07 22:02:26

Mine have both been carried a lot and bf to sleep, but been fine when left when I went to work.

What do you suggest, that new babies aren't comforted by their mums as a matter of routine, to make the future childminder's life easier?

Shouldn't a CM be up to the task of looking after babies?

TheDuchess Tue 18-Sep-07 22:09:14

You are sounding a bit holier than thou to be honest. Had a bad day at the coalface?

Spidermama Tue 18-Sep-07 22:13:28

I completely see how that would be difficult Shosh. Of course it's impossible to do attachment parenting by proxy when you have more than one charge and I would think that must be a wrench for a baby who is used to one on one AP with his or her mum.

It must also be frustrating for you as a CM trying to meet needs as best you can.

I did AP-ing but didn't go back to work until they were much older and even now I'm only working a bit. My CM is fantastic, but I would never have expected her to don with Wilkinet!

Shoshable Tue 18-Sep-07 22:13:53

No of course I dont mean that, and yes a CM is up to looking after babies, but what about when you have one teething, one need cahnging and one that won be put down, and it happens alot, and yes we do deal with it.

But it is heartbreaking when the little one who is constantly carrid, cant be because you only have one pair of hands.

I was talking to a CM in just this position, she has a 4 month old and 13 month od and a 18 month old, a age range she has had befor and is a CM with alot of experience, but id beginning to think she will have to give notice to the 13 month old, she has had her for 3 months, but the Lo cries every time the CM has to put her down, and obviously she has to have time for the other two as well.

She has never had to give notice before, but feels that it is detrimental to the other children as well.

She has spoken to the mother who feels that she should cuddle the LO when ever she wants, but sometimes you just cant.

Dont eally know what to say to her, so am asking how others have got children 'ready ' to go to CM's so to speak.

canmummy Tue 18-Sep-07 22:15:44

My dd1 I did breastfeed to sleep blush but before I went back to work I'd thought all that through and got a plan b that could be used at nursery instead.

Am currently having difficulty giving dd3 a bottle while at nursery but she doesn't seem at all bothered by not having it - exactly the same as dd1!

And while at home, I put her down awake and she drifts off for a nap by herself, the nursery staff are insisting on rocking her to sleep in their arms hmm

hunkermunker Tue 18-Sep-07 22:17:29

I don't think you can say that a high-need baby should be made to get used to being left alone to cry to get ready for the CM.

A baby who has his needs met is usually more content anyway - so if they're cuddled and carried for the first few months, they may be more ready to accept being left for a bit when they're older. Plus there are other children around to watch at a CM.

Spidermama Tue 18-Sep-07 22:20:13

I made the mistake of agreeing to look after a five month old when I had a three month old myself. This was just for a fortnight and I really regreeted it. I felt I was failing them both, as both were used to having just one mum meeting their every need as soon as it came up.

Obviously people have twins and other mutliples and that must be really hard. I don't know how you childminders do it. I was a jibbering wreck by the end of the fortnight.

callmeovercautious Tue 18-Sep-07 22:21:24

Well my DD has been totally demand BF and doted on since she was born. However I introduced her to a cup as a toy at 4m and with water in it at 6m when she was BLW.

I have been very lucky in that she has taken to Nursery at 12m. She hates Milk in a cup but eats the solids well and rarely cries, and never for me - just if she does not get her own way grin mostly when they try to spoon feed her - too bad for them - I pay for them to look after her and I told them she is BLW so if she pulls the bowl and wants to eat it by herself - let her!

I think it is personality rather than preparation. A lo can be in a strict routine and on bottles etc but if they don't like you/the environment they won't settle.

I would be looking at your own communication skills, both with the Parents and the LO tbh.

funnypeculiar Tue 18-Sep-07 22:22:13

I think a 13 mth old who expects to be carried all the time is a rather different thing to expecting every mum to have got a 3/6 mth old into a perfect sleep & feeding schedule hmm

Fwiw, ds (went to nursery at 1 yr) - yes, spent about the last 6 mths stressing b/cos he was a bad sleeper - tried flipping everything, was a total PITA. Nursery were much more relaxed than I was (would put him into pram/cuddle him to sleep, which I tried not to do), he settled pretty fast, although never slept there brilliantly.

dd (went to cm at 6 mths) - spent 3 mths fighting her to take a bottle prior to going to the cm. Finally got her so she was only bf morning & eve, would take bottle from me, hubby, random passing strangers. Except cm- she would literally have no milk all day at cm, only started drinking milk there aged about 14 mths. She would settle perfectly at home/had very clear sleep structure. Very happy baby, would go to anyone, played alone. Refused to sleep at cm. Cried constantly. Took us about 4 mths to settle her.

Shoshable Tue 18-Sep-07 22:23:27

Hunker I dont mean that the LO is put down to sleep alone so cries, she cries at being out down full stop, if the CM has to feed the younger one , or change the older one.

She does get most of the CM's attention, and has tried all the usual tricks, if she is playing a game with the older one will sit the middle one on her lap and try and get her to join in, but she will turn herself into the CM ad cry the whole time she plays withe older one. The Lo ignores the other children, unless the CM picks one of them up as well then will scream blue murder and try to push other child off her lap.

mummypig Tue 18-Sep-07 22:23:50

I agree with hm's post.

Children are very flexible, too, and know that routines are different in different situations, so they often adapt. Just because my ds2 used to feed to sleep whenever I put him to bed, it didn't mean he expected to breastfeed when dp put him to bed grin

But surely what is important is having a childcare that suits both the parent and the child. I wouldn't feel happy with a childminder who felt that my parenting approach was a problem. We used to have a wonderful childminder who would let me sit on her sofa and breastfeed ds2 when i came to collect him. After she moved I used someone else who clearly found this uncomfortable and would rather I whisked him off as soon as possible. Given that it was about a 15 minute walk back home it was awkward for both me and ds2 so we didn't use her for long.

Similarly I felt very uncomfortable when I heard one of the staff in ds1's first nursery saying she had left him standing up and screaming in his cot because she believed he should be left to sleep on his own. I know it can be difficult when you have more than one child to look after, but i would hope that doesn't mean leaving a child alone who is obviously unhappy.
I also found that although the nursery asked for children's 'routines' and said they would try to follow them, in practise they tried to get all the kids to sleep at set times.

After we moved house, all the staff in the new nursery were happy to stay with children and rub their backs or something similar if they wanted someone present when they went to sleep. Plus they were far more flexible about times of sleeps - at least in the baby room (which I think was up to about 10-12 months).

I guess I'm saying that it shouldn't be difficult for attachment parents to go back to work and leave their children with carers - as long as the carer is flexible in their approach, and the parent is honest with them about what the child needs/expects.

Apologies if this is rather long. I can see that it would be a difficulty for you but I don't think it should be seen as a negative side of attachment parenting. I wonder if maybe there has been a bit of a communication mismatch here? I'm sure there might have been some clients who have been hoping you could sort out the sleeping thing yourself, without them doing any preparation! But similarly you might not have made it clear enough to them that you expect the babies to be able to go to sleep on their own?

mummypig Tue 18-Sep-07 22:27:55

hi sorry shoshable I spent so long typing that post I didn't see the stuff about the 13mo - seems like it may be relating to the actual child rather than the ap approach. At some point most children have to get used to not being the centre of attention all the time smile Can really sympathise with the childminder in question sad

Shoshable Tue 18-Sep-07 22:31:28

Mummypig the parents, have sent this child to 2 CM's now since she was 6 months both have given notice, really think the child needs Mum at home, dont know why she has to work, its not one of my mindees, so obviously dont know the ins and outs.

I have nothing against attached parenting how people bring their children up, is entirely up to them, and I always think there is the right CM for every child, unfortunately this one could do with more one to one, CM has suggested that to mum,, but she just says she cant afford a nanny.

callmeovercautious Tue 18-Sep-07 22:33:16

Yes I agree, perhaps the CM is the wrong choice for this LO. Someone with more time may be needed?

Shoshable Tue 18-Sep-07 22:33:53

Thats ok mummypig, The CM phoned me looking for advise, couldnt really help so thought I would see what mn said.

Didnt want o put it in the CM threads as wanted to hear more from working mums, (who are are gifts from Gods, without you we wouldnt have a job grin)

Shoshable Tue 18-Sep-07 22:35:28

trouble is she is on a Army base in Germany, where there seems to be a shortage of CM's, and they all seem to be full apparently.

luckylady74 Tue 18-Sep-07 22:42:05

interesting point made by spidermama - i'm a parent of twins and an older child and the way i managed is to try (with my heart breaking/ breasts leaking) to ignore the crying whilst i dealt with 1 or both of the other 2 - it's so upsetting to read the parents who do attachment parenting say a child must never be left - human biology means it's possible to have 3 under 3 as i did - so what the feck do you do then? sorry hijack and rant over. re op - i always prepare my dc for everything - my eldest has as so routine and preparation are my world!

Nightynight Tue 18-Sep-07 23:11:08

I did, and went back to work. My children accepted different behaviour from other people who cared for them though. Also, I think they were very distracted by having a lot of people around them.

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