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warning upsetting content (advice about dead body)

109 replies

loopykay · 21/01/2020 15:41

I really don't want to upset and offend anyone so please don't read any further if that is possible.

My Dad died 5 weeks ago, the funeral is this week. I've just received a call from the funeral directors saying it's best not to view him beforehand because he has deteriorated a lot. I'm really upset as I feel I need to see him.

Should my Dad of been preserved more than this? He is 79 and thin but I'd of expected him to be preserved It's really upsetting.

OP posts:

Report

endofthelinefinally · 21/01/2020 15:48

I think you should take the advice of the funeral director. Remember your dad as he was.
That said, I would want to know why this level of deterioration has happened.
I am sorry for your loss.

loopykay · 21/01/2020 15:56

The funeral was delayed because of Christmas and the backlog.

I wish I had had chance to see him before he got to this stage. Maybe they've only just looked at him.

I'm just concerned about whether he's been handled correctly. How am I supposed to know? It's made me feel sick.

OP posts:

EnglishRain · 21/01/2020 15:59

People can be embalmed after death, but I believe this is a choice and not automatically done. Embalming will delay the deterioration typically if people wish to have an open coffin or to bring their loved one home for a period of time first.

Sorry you are upset OP, hopefully they can give you some answers x

Strawberryshotrtcake · 21/01/2020 16:00

I would take the advice. Remember your father as he was he is not that body anymore.
I would ask why ? But it could be due to a number of factors and probably best not dwelled on really.

I was with my father when he died and viewed his body pre funeral as I accompanied my mother when she wanted to. Honestly I wish I had not as really it wasn’t the man I remembered at all.
Look at the photos remember his good and maybe not good points respect his humanity.
Take the advice given though as it was given for your sake and your fathers dignity

JoyceDivision · 21/01/2020 16:02

Could you go to the directors to sit in their chapel of rest with you dad's coffin closed so you are sat with him one last time, can talk to him, bit not viewing him?

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 21/01/2020 16:03

I went to see my dad and wish I hadnt

Costacoffeeplease · 21/01/2020 16:04

We had a delayed funeral for my grandfather and were also advised not to view the body prior to the funeral, ‘as nature had taken over’. I think it’s entirely normal if there has been a delay

Bunnybigears · 21/01/2020 16:06

It honestly will do nobody any good to dwell on the what ifs etc. As a previous poster said unless specifically requested due to wanting an open casket funeral there wont have been too much done in terms of preservation. If you want to sit with your Dad go and sit with him with the coffin closed. Funeral directors know what they are talking about and if they advise against it it's for a good reason and it's your well being they are thinking of.

Bert2020 · 21/01/2020 16:06

With delays these things happen even with the best will. I went to see my Nanna as she passed suddenly without any warning, it is without the worst decision of my life. Remember your dad as he was, I like pp’s suggestion to maybe go sit with him as that does sound nice.

TeetotalKoala · 21/01/2020 16:07

I didn't go to see my FIL when he passed, despite my Mails invitation as I wanted to remember him how I always thought of him. My MIL said afterwards that she could only look at his profile as when she looked at him straight on, he didn't look like him. That made me so glad that I didn't go.

Can I ask why you need to see him and why you haven't visited sooner?

stripeypillowcase · 21/01/2020 16:07

take the advice.
sadly 5 weeks is a long time and your father's body will not look like him anymore.
embalming is not done routinely and in some areas not allowed for burials, but the funeral
directors should advise what is possible when they take the job.

Westfacing · 21/01/2020 16:08

My mum was 92 and looked tiny and frail when she died in hospital with us all around her. That was the last time I saw her - I felt there was nothing to be achieved by seeing her at the funeral directors two weeks later.

It was less than two years ago but I can't remember all the discussions with the FD but I think there was mention of embalming but we didn't do this.

Obviously you're upset and that's understandable but take the advice and remember your dad as he was

LemonBreeland · 21/01/2020 16:08

I went to view my Grandads body as I'd been away when he died and thought it would help with closure. It was not a great experience and I would never go to view a body again. It really never looks like the person you loved.

anothernamejeeves · 21/01/2020 16:09

I would think after 5 weeks such deterioration is entirely normal sadly
I would take their advice they have great experience in this field. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father

Flippetydip · 21/01/2020 16:10

My MIL died two weeks ago, both DH and I got there about 10 minutes after she'd passed away. DH said this morning, he wishes he hadn't seen her body as that's all he can think about at the moment. I know this will pass but it's overwhelmed his grief process somewhat.

I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard.

madcatladyforever · 21/01/2020 16:12

I'm used to death as I was a nurse for years, however I went to see a young dear friend who had died of cancer after he'd been in the freezer for a few weeks and although he had not decomposed he looked ghastly. Sunken, very nasty colour and altogether not the person I remembered. It didn't bother me but I did tell his wife it would be better if she didn't go as she'd be upset. She decided to go and just asked for a hand to be exposed from under the sheet so she could say goodbye one last time even without looking at his face and that was OK.
If someone was very frail at their death they will look awful whatever you do to them. I'm sorry. Maybe just go and say goodbye with him covered. He isn't there any more, he is somewhere else.

yogo · 21/01/2020 16:20

After 5 weeks that will be natural, try not to think of why.

I saw my grandparents after they died and they looked nothing like themselves at all.

I would listen to the FD. I'm sorry for your loss.

Jomarchsburntskirt · 21/01/2020 16:22

He’s bound to look terrible after five weeks, especially if he’s not been embalmed. You have to be guided by the undertaker. If they are advising you not to then they are doing that for a reason. If you ignore their advice and see him you will be shocked. You also won’t be able to unsee what you have seen. Please take their advice and remember him as they were.

Drum2018 · 21/01/2020 16:22

Condolences on your loss. I would also take their advice and try to remember your dad as he was. Had they discussed embalming when they collected his body? As far as I know it has to be done fairly soon after death.

I have seen many, many corpses and I'll be honest in saying that a lot just don't look like themselves. I went to view my aunt before the funeral and walked back out of the room asking the undertaker where she was. He looked confused and told me the body in the room I'd left was her. My mum also looked different. It was strange seeing them like that.

Icanflyhigh · 21/01/2020 16:24

This happened many years ago with ExFIL except he had lay passed away at home for approx 3 weeks prior to being found (huge backstory, please don't judge) and when the undertakers collected him, ExH was advised to not have an open coffin in the chapel of rest and to remember him how we saw him last.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but please rely on your memories of your loved one x

Jomarchsburntskirt · 21/01/2020 16:25

Just seen your further post of concerns about whether he’d been handled properly post death. Anyone would be decomposing after so long, even kept in a fridge. Unfortunately they can’t stop a natural process. I think you just have to think of him how he was. A body is an empty shell.

Wannabangbang · 21/01/2020 16:27

Sending my condolences, my dad died last year and due to circumstances i too had a long wait to see him. I chose not to see him like that and a year on I have no regrets. Would be awful if they were my last memories of him. Like to remember him the way he was but i understand not everyone is the same. However due to them telling you of his decomposition i would take the advice to not see him

Quartz2208 · 21/01/2020 16:27

He would have been handled correctly but even so the effect of 5 weeks would be something I recommend you think about very carefully as to why you want to see him and what you are hopig to do and if there is another way.

So sorry for your loss its tough

ScouseQueen · 21/01/2020 16:28

As a pp says above it's no good questioning why now. It's very difficult emotionally to view the body of a loved one anyway so I would take their advice on this. I have done it several times and the overriding thing I took away was that my loved one wasn't there any more. It's not like on TV where someone just looks asleep. You are aware that what's in front of you is just a shell now, not the real person. So use that to help you. The body isn't your dad. Is there a place you associate with him that was special or that you went to together? I would set some time aside to go there, talk to him and say your goodbye that way.

MuddlingThroughLife · 21/01/2020 16:28

My 10 year old son passed away on 2.1.18, his funeral was 17.1.18 only 15 days later. We visited him in the funeral home every day up until about day 12 when we decided not to visit any more as we were already starting to see changes in him.

As hard as it is, maybe you should take the advice of the funeral home after the length of time that has passed.

Sorry for your loss ⚘

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