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is this abuse?

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plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:05:37

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

plantlife Thu 23-Jan-20 01:17:46

Sorry, I forgot to reply to your question, Byebyemisssamericanpie. I'm from London. I've always felt happier and more at peace away from so many people, just somewhere with more nature and animals. Maybe I crave green more after being indoors for so long. I used to be ok here though. Just after everything got so bad, the past few years, I find busy places harder now.

I keep thinking about things that happened. I know getting outdoors will help get me out of this dwelling. I'll get to bed and try to start afresh tomorrow. Snap out of this slump. Thank you all of you for your lovely kind posts. I need to remember the outside world isn't all scary. None of you are scary. Thank you.

plantlife Wed 22-Jan-20 23:36:23

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I was feeling miserable and down so thank you. I messed up things with my friend. I guess she isn't/wasn't a close friend. I'm not sure. Perhaps just too much time has past. Anyhow she's not free to meet when he's away. I suppose she thinks I'm flaky. She wanted to meet over the past few weeks but I felt too scared when he's here,even if during the day when he's at work. How would I tell her I had to leave before he's home. Perhaps I can meet up or reach out to friends if and when I leave him. I suppose it's safer to wait.

I need to reset myself. I need to get back into the real world, I suppose. Although part of me feels like hiding away forever. I'm scared I've messed up too much, gone too far. Hopefully getting outside will help. I can't waste the chance tomorrow when he's away. I know I'll feel more free. I still find it hard to accept how it is. It really could be my mental health, but I think my reality is completely different from his and everyone who knows him, me, us. I'm thinking about how he behaves when he's with his friends or family, when he messages or phones. He either speaks to me like I'm a distant acquaintance or like he despises me. He's told them I'm a nightmare. I found out he was saying that from very early on in the relationship. There's things he's done that I know would sound bad but I dismissed it as being in the past.

I'm scared of being lonely and alone. I'd built up lovely little friendships including through some of my interests/hobbies but I've lost all that. I suppose, aside from him, I'm alone anyway so maybe I can do it. I need to get my confidence back so I can leave. I don't know if it's too late. I feel such a mess physically and emotionally.

Thank you again for being so kind.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie Wed 22-Jan-20 21:51:54

Wow, Plantlife - thats a beautiful, calm, peaceful and green life you've envisaged there. Hold onto those thoughts, because it wouldn't be that hard to achieve it. Where did you grow up? Are you a 'city' girl or a 'country' one?

@cakeandchampagne is correct. If you ever came to stay with me, you'd be looked after properly. No hitting, no eggshells, no violence, no wondering about how the atmosphere will be. You could go out - see friends. I'd probably ask where you were going, and if you wanted lunch later... that kind of thing. Then you could go!

You could wear what you wanted, chat to your friends or family. You could go shopping. Eat what and when you wanted.

All pretty normal stuff. No fear. No stress.

cakeandchampagne Wed 22-Jan-20 18:22:49

He is doing a very poor job of “looking after” you.

Imagine yourself, in exactly the health you have right now, if you went to visit Wolfie (or anyone else on this thread). How would her “looking after” you compare?

Wolfiefan Wed 22-Jan-20 18:05:12

But he doesn’t. He pushes you. And worse.
Imagine being somewhere peaceful but with the pets you love.
You should not feel ashamed. He should.
Do try and get out tomorrow. Good luck.

plantlife Wed 22-Jan-20 16:33:01

I forgot to say how nice that the two Wolfiepups are friends now. I love dogs so much. All animals really. I'd love to live in a home with pets.

I suppose the magic wand would involve turning back time, which isn't possible. I always wanted to be married with children. It's likely too late for children. I suppose if I could wave a wand without time changing, I'd like to live out of a city, somewhere more green and peaceful but not completely isolated. I'd like to look after animals, have several pets and also volunteer with animals or elderly people. I'd love to have a garden and grow my own herbs and vegetables. I love cooking and it would be great to use my own homegrown stuff. Until things got worse, I planned to retrain but that career is very demanding and I don't know if I'm up to it now. Also the time and money involved. I actually can't imagine being normal anymore but perhaps if I could recover a bit physically and mentally I'd like to work in a similar but less senior type of job. I'd love to have friends again but I think I'll find it hard to trust at first. I'm scared of living on my own now. I'm so used to him looking after me.

plantlife Wed 22-Jan-20 16:19:45

I'm sorry I'm a bit freaked out. I managed to get to bed a bit earlier and nearly made it outside today. My neighbour is off work today and as I was in the hallway I heard the freedom programme. I don't know why but I feel so weird. She lives on her own and although it could be about an ex husband/partner, I think she works in some kind of children's services thing. I guess it's a work training? I just feel really strange especially as she's heard him hitting and shouting. It feels too close to home and I'm now wondering if she knows (through work connections) the da workers in my local area. I feel extra ashamed for some reason.

Thank you so much for being so kind. I feel bad posting so much rubbish especially as essentially it's really up to me to either leave or not. I know endless moaning won't help. It does though seem to help venting about it somewhere in the outside/real world.

I guess I won't make it outside now as too late but he's away tomorrow for a night so I should definitely seize the chance to get outside.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie Tue 21-Jan-20 22:50:37

Hello Plant
Glad you’re still with us and ok.
Feel free to ramble on as much as you’d like. We’re not here to judge you on what you have and haven’t done. Please don’t apologise. Use this thread as a way of putting it all down.

I want to ask you a question.

If you could wave a magic wand, and live the life YOU want to lead... how would it look?
Where would you be living?
Would you have any pets?
Would you work or volunteer?
Would you have a garden or balcony to grow flowers or maybe some veg?
Would you see friends and family more often?

I don’t need an essay in reply - unless you want to write one! But, I hope it gives you a chance to think beyond the life you are presently leading.


cakeandchampagne Tue 21-Jan-20 19:31:30

Well done on starting home exercises!

Even if you weren’t always pleasant with your neighbors, I’m sure they know your partner is violent and aggressive towards you.
And the police know some of the things that you are afraid to say.

Wolfiefan Tue 21-Jan-20 18:15:28

Ramble away! It can be therapeutic too. But no apologising. Your thread. You write what YOU want to!!
Pup and older girl are getting in really well. We had a week of pup trying to swing off big girl’s beard and growling! Eek! Then they decided they can play nicely. Supervised of course. Big girl is 3x little girl’s weight!!
Those goals sound great. Good luck.

plantlife Tue 21-Jan-20 17:14:58

I really am sorry for that long-winded post! I just reread it. I certainly ramble. I think it's helped writing about it, getting off my chest.

I'm going to try this evening for an earlier night again. It's hard when I'm so physically inactive so I've started doing home exercises.

I'm so sorry you have sleep problems too. It's horrible being tired and not sleeping, especially if you also have pain from the fibromyalgia. I'm lucky as I have sleeping pills. I know they don't like giving them out but they've truly saved me at times. I'm glad the new puppy is helping with your sleep. That's a much nicer way than sleeping pills! I hope puppy is getting on better with older pup now? I suppose it takes time.

Thank you for being so kind.

I've decided to set two immediate goals. Earlier nights and getting outside. Also trying to cut down my rambling.

Wolfiefan Tue 21-Jan-20 16:50:58

No reasonable or sane person would believe you deserved any violence. None at all.
You shouting at them? You’re trying to protect yourself. It’s self defence. Same with the police stuff.
Hope you manage to wind down and sleep earlier so you can get out tomorrow. My sleep pattern is rubbish. Fibromyalgia and depression. The puppy is tiring me out so I actually sleep better at the moment!!

plantlife Tue 21-Jan-20 16:40:41

I think it's mainly messed up body clock, and my health condition doesn't help. Bed in the middle of the night so sleeping in to get enough sleep. Then not enough time to go out before he's back. I guess there's definitely anxiety too, maybe some sort of PTSD? but I don't think I'm depressed. I've had depression in the past and it's not like that.

I suppose I might as well be honest about the neighbours. I'm so deeply ashamed. It's better going out earlier in the day to avoid bumping into any of them. Being honest I'm not a nice innocent victim. I was horrible. The one who tried to help. I was so scared and ashamed that I blamed him (the neighbour). Told him he was the problem, shouted about him being a trouble maker. I've also had tantrums (to myself) but probably audible about the loud neighbour. I wouldn't normally stress about neighbour noise but I'm so stressed anyway. I can imagine they disapprove of the violence but I'm quite sure, because of my meltdowns, they think I deserve the odd smack. They probably also think I'm pathetic.

With the police and (old) GP. I genuinely think they believed him. I didn't help. The timeline of it going wrong began when they came out and ended up calling the ambulance for mental health assessment. He told them I was suicidal because he wanted to leave me. He'd actually been violent that night but I was terrified of homelessness. I told the police I was scared of being homeless and I told them the tenancy was due for renewal and I needed him to sign it. I was thinking about him being arrested but they must've thought it was me being a bunny boiler. They only asked about physical violence (which I denied), actually that's all they've ever asked about.The paramedics called him into the ambulance to "support" me and he answered their questions for me (just jumped in) and lied.

The next time they came was when they asked for GP details. They actually came twice the same night. I called both times. I genuinely thought he was going to kill me as he was drunk, angry, and held a knife. But again when they arrived I was too scared to admit what happened. This was the female officers. They weren't very nice. They didn't hide their annoyance the second time. They mentioned not wasting police time.

I was actually calm when they arrived. He was emotional and drunk. He kicked a table in front of them and told them to arrest him but the police decided I was controlling him because he shut himself in the bathroom when they went to talk to him. I was scared he'd get arrested so opened the door. He'd said to me and the police "Don't you dare open the door". I was trying to calm him down, was saying everything's alright. He was on the verge of telling them himself what he'd done to me. I told the police I called them by mistake. I admit I was a bit too arrogant sounding maybe. I was just so scared of him being arrested so I really tried to downplay calling them. I think it played into his hands. That's the time the police referred him to a DA charity. They asked for my GP details but I think it was to say I was suffering mental health crisis. The surgery was more openly awful to me starting around that time. It could be coincidence.

Sorry, long rambled rubbish. I don't want the police involved again so it shouldn't matter. I suppose it's just unsettling.

I know it's not ok for any level of violence but I guess I'm safe for now as it's, whilst not nice, not dangerous just a shove or push.

My immediate plan. I need to go to bed early so I can get up earlier and try to finally go outdoors.

Wolfiefan Tue 21-Jan-20 14:09:13

I think it’s more likely they were worried about your safety too. Hope you get outside and the sun is shining where you are. It is violent to shove. And it’s really nasty to do so as a “warning”. You’re not safe. Not long term.
Do you suffer with depression and anxiety? (Ignore question if you would rather not say.) The staying up late and not feeling like you can go out sound very like it.

EducatingArti Tue 21-Jan-20 11:11:24

I think it is far more likely that they want to alert your GP so that they can be aware you may be being abused.

plantlife Tue 21-Jan-20 00:14:47

I'm sorry, I haven't made any progress at all really. I feel bad to keep posting the same old, same old. I think I'm in a slump. It's weird, I've never been like this before for so long. I've not got outside again for a few weeks but unlike before I seem used to it. It's so unhealthy, I know. I need to get myself together. I'm going to bed really late and sleeping in.

I'm going to try to go outside tomorrow. I keep saying that but I'm really hoping I'll finally make it out. I don't think I can think straight until I do. He's being mostly really nice although perhaps yesterday was a warning. I said something, can't remember what, that annoyed him. He pushed me on the back but very very minor. I was sitting down and it wasn't violent as such, sort of a warning shove. Apart from that he's been so nice and not got angry at all. I feel safe with him for now though.

On a separate note, I've been thinking over things that happened. I think the police definitely believe him that I'm mad. I remembered one of the last times they came. They asked me for my GP details. They've never asked that before. Now I wonder if that's why the doctor was so awful. If they thought I was lying about DV and thinking it's actually me being an abuser?

I'll keep trying to get myself more together.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie Mon 20-Jan-20 07:20:54

It’s been a while since you posted @plantlife

How are you?

cakeandchampagne Thu 16-Jan-20 19:29:32

star Well done on the bath & fresh clothes!

Wolfiefan Thu 16-Jan-20 11:14:26

You’re not being ridiculous! Self care is really important.
Meeting up with the friend is huge. You don’t need to say anything you don’t want to.
Hope you get out to the shops.

Jux Thu 16-Jan-20 00:31:22

xxxxx (that's v unmumsnetty but hey) well done!

plantlife Thu 16-Jan-20 00:13:51

I know I keep saying it but thank you so much for being so kind. I feel guilty as I'm not doing much moving forwards. Maybe I'm getting out of my slump, I think. I know this sounds disgusting but I'm not going out so I guess I let myself go, but I took your advice. I had a bath and changed my pyjamas today. It felt great. I feel so ridiculous but it crept up on me. I'm aiming to get out to the shops tomorrow then finally do some more freedom programme. He's being really nice at the moment.

I'm trying to build up to arrange a meet up with my friend. I don't think I'll say anything about him, at least not the first time, especially as he has mutual friends.

Maybe I'll read through the early parts of this thread tomorrow.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie Wed 15-Jan-20 23:19:56

I think you should read through your earlier posts and see how far you’ve come @plantlife.
You’re doing really well. How are things?

Jux Wed 15-Jan-20 12:22:06

Baby steps, lovely one, baby steps.

Set yourself reasonable goals, like getting washed everyday, then getting washed and dressed every day. Then that and spending 5-10 minutes outdoors. etc

You can make the goals as little as you like, whatever feels attainable to you. - no one knows how hard these things are for you at any one time.

Once you've got yourself doing a few small things everyday then you can look at making bigger goals for yourself, but don't rush it. I know you need to leave but you need to be able to leave first!

Wolfiefan Wed 15-Jan-20 09:28:45

I do hope you can see your friend. They may be another line of support.
Saying he will hurt himself isn’t him being depressed. It’s him trying to control you. He’s not doing it because of how he feels but to try and keep you in line.

cakeandchampagne Tue 14-Jan-20 22:33:29

Thanks for the update. I hope you get to see your friend soon. She is probably a little nervous too.
Some time has passed and many things may have changed for both of you, but the nice thing is you are still friends.

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