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is this abuse?

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plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:05:37

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Wolfiefan Sat 07-Dec-19 08:49:21

I would leave the perfume for now. He will pick up on the difference.
And he’s not your only support. He’s holding you back. A supportive partner would help you actually get in to see the GP. They would be kind and loving and so so glad to see you getting better.

Weenurse Fri 06-Dec-19 23:21:33

Doing makeup and wearing perfume is a sign you are getting better.
If you want to keep this from him, stop doing it until you leave.

plantlife Fri 06-Dec-19 23:07:49

I just wanted to thank you all again. joCmumny, you sound like a lovely friend. I think about contacting a few old friends but I'm too scared to do it whilst still with him. He has mutual friends and I can't risk him knowing. One messaged me a few months ago. Could be coincidence but he was really horrible the next few days, like he knew they'd been in touch.

I don't really have any RL support but I plan to contact the local da charity in whatever area I end up, and GP, and try to do freedom programme in person if I'm well enough. Also I want to get back in proper contact with my sibling who lives overseas. Maybe try getting in touch with old friends. I suppose right now he's my only support but hopefully I can do it, although it's scaring me.

I couldn't speak to the GP with him around. I don't want him to think my health condition is a bit better. He's saying he wants me well but every time I'm doing ok in the past, suddenly there's an argument or he's angry or stressed about something. I was also planning to speak about the situation with him. It's rearranged for next week.

Thank you, that's a good suggestion about the perfume. I didn't think really. It's actually the first time I've worn perfume in so long. I don't have much makeup anymore, haven't had my hair even trimmed in 6 years, so the perfume felt like a nice treat. I think he'll be suspicious if I wear it just at home. I suppose I could say I want to smell nice for him.

cakeandchampagne Thu 05-Dec-19 19:49:48

star Congratulations on getting out to the shops again yesterday!

You might need to wear a bit of perfume, or do your hair, makeup, etc. every day (or just more often), so he doesn’t know which days are special for you.

joCmummy Thu 05-Dec-19 17:30:48

I have no advice but a friend is a friend, even if you moved, haven't talked in years, call someone who was a friend. Talk. If you were my old friend and called for help I'd be there, I bet yours will be too.

Wolfiefan Thu 05-Dec-19 17:22:47

It’s great that you did yesterday.
Is there a reason you can’t speak to or get to the GP if he’s home? You mustn’t let him compromise your health.
When you do get out do you have any RL support? Someone to be there if new things are worrying or you want some reassurance. flowers

plantlife Thu 05-Dec-19 15:21:54

Just wanted to add, more to tell myself than anything else. I have to keep telling myself this. I need to stick to my plans and not lose nerve. I'm so scared but I have to.

Although I haven't let him know my health is improving, it's hard to completely hide it. I'm not sure but slightly uneasy as he's been making strange comments, like "We need to have a chat" and other things. Sound innocuous but he does this a lot when things are going ok for me. Feeling a bit paranoid but I wonder if he's putting his illness on. He said something about wanting a day off from work a few days ago. He also said he didn't feel ill at work, just here. He knew I had a GP appointment later in the week (I was stupid for telling him) and maybe guessed I'd been out (I maybe smelt of my perfume). He also knows I'm worried about getting ill. Anyway, rambling sorry. I think it's possible he's faking being ill to mess with my head but probably paranoia. Now I feel nasty as he's probably genuinely unwell. I'll make him a nice dinner. Anyway whilst he's asleep there's things I can get on with. I wish I could get outside today but at least I did yesterday.

plantlife Thu 05-Dec-19 15:09:16

Thank you so much for the really really kind posts of support.

It's so up and down, everything. I'm trying to stay positive, despite it going wrong today after good progress. I got out to the shops again yesterday! And managed to do it without him knowing. It felt so good being normal and I got my confidence back - started feeling strong enough to cope with next steps even if it's a refuge (which still scares me). I had a few things to do this week - part of the (slow) plan. But he's off work sick today. Just man flu but I can't speak to the GP if he's still off tomorrow. Improving my health is really helping give me strength. I was thinking I'm cursed - always one step forward, two steps back. I have to see it as just a temporary small (hopefully) setback. He's asleep so I can work on the forms (I now have two). I hope the GP understands if I rearrange the appointment. I'm nearly out of medication but have enough just until next week so should be ok.

Hope to bring a better update next time. Sorry this is another long ramble. I only meant to post a thank you.

cakeandchampagne Wed 04-Dec-19 12:10:04

You have courage and you are trying.
You are looking & moving forward.

WingingItSince1973 Wed 04-Dec-19 11:32:17

Am so sorry my phone stopped at October posts but I now see you're still posting and I'm so relieved about that. Please keep posting. Understand you're life is so precious and can be so so wonderful without him xxx

WingingItSince1973 Wed 04-Dec-19 11:30:26

Have just come across this post and am worried about OP. Maybe she doesnt want to talk anymore but I hope you've managed to confide in someone and leave xxxxx

Wolfiefan Mon 02-Dec-19 17:33:43

But you are trying. Back to the GP. Making contact with charities. That’s all progress. You have the courage. You’re doing it!!!!!

plantlife Mon 02-Dec-19 17:04:52

Thank you so much, Wolfiefan.

I really am trying. Sometimes I look back and realise how things would've been ok if I'd just had the courage to try.

plantlife Mon 02-Dec-19 16:56:47

Sorry, I forgot to say. Whatisthisfuckery, I hope you get to do the FP. I'm finding it really helpful, although my rambled post above probably doesn't seem like it. I want to do one on person when I'm well enough but I'm finding it useful being able to go back to reread things with the online one.

Thank you for the floating support suggestion. The main DV charity in my area only helps with going to court. They said they didn't help with housing. I went to their drop in a year or so ago. They called the housing woman from the council in. She just said to apply but she had no idea if I'd get help and she didn't know what information they needed (for DV evidence).

I'll try the other place again when I'm ready to completely accept it's probably got to be a refuge. I think I'm getting there. I

Wolfiefan Mon 02-Dec-19 16:50:36

You are making progress. You’re making plans and starting to find a way out. It’s not self indulgent to be worried. Not at all.

plantlife Mon 02-Dec-19 16:48:07

Thank you all again so much. I really am so grateful, and thank you for the advice.

I made the phone calls today, explained I'm scared details of DV (on the housing application) will trigger police involvement. From what I've been told it likely won't, especially as no serious violence in the most recent months.

But, unprompted by me, both people I spoke to said I wouldn't be priority need because no children. I know I've gone on and on about it here but I didn't mention it today. I actually was already resigned to that but decided no harm going on a waiting list. If I can cope with him until a place comes up, so much less traumatic than refuge/emergency housing.

I know its self-indulgence but I feel so horrible. I feel vulnerable about housing - but it's almost physically painful thinking about being childless. I feel like an outcast and partly don't care about him hurting me because being childless is a worse pain.

I'm sorry, I need to pull myself together. I know that's self pity. There's a lot I could do in life away from him, including helping animals.

Sorry for rambling. It's hard to be told the bare faced facts, although it's better than false hope.

Sorry. Rambled mess. I'm slowly mentally preparing for changes. The first person I spoke to was so kind and understanding. She wanted to look for a refuge for me but my phone cut us off. I'll call again but when I'm fully ready to do it. Back to the GP for now.

Whatisthisfuckery Sun 01-Dec-19 19:08:39

Hi plantlife, sorry I disappeared, I lost the thread. It went miles down my watching list and I couldn’t remember where it was posted. I’m not very familiar with all the boards on here.

Anyway, well done for getting to the shop, that is massive progress. It’s true that you’re sounding more confident. It’s great that you’re doing FP. I’m going to do the face to face one in January hopefully.

Anyway, I was wondering if there is a Floating Support service in your area? I have had help from one in my area a couple of times and they’ve been very helpful. If you can get them on board they will help you with the housing application. I’m not sure exactly where you are or I’d look it up for you but as you’re in London I imagine there will be something.

If you intend to fill out the application yourself then you’ll need to disclose the DV. You can tell them of major historical incidents in brief but be sure to tell them about more recent incidents. When I was last on this thread he’d kicked you. I don’t know what if anything has happened since. Do not minimize this. Also you need to be very clear about the emotional strain this is causing you, eg you don’t know what mood he’ll come home in and whether he’ll be violent. Also you should tell them that he stops you from getting treatment for your medical condition. I think you have accepted that he does this now which is certainly progress from where you were. You need to make it explicit that not only does the constant stress, fear and uncertainty make your medical condition worse, but that he actively tries to prevent you from getting treatment and getting better, eg prevents you from going to appointments etc.

Anyway I’m glad to have found you again and I’m pleased to see that you’re continuing to make progress. You sound like a different women to the the scared apologetic little rabbit in the headlights that started the thread.

I’ll be back.

cakeandchampagne Sat 30-Nov-19 19:13:09

Even if you can’t do it today, it is good you are looking forward to going outside & maybe to a shop again soon.

It is an application for housing for you, so you can live safely.
Just state the facts.

Wolfiefan Fri 29-Nov-19 22:44:56

It doesn’t sound like you being paranoid. It sounds like you have the measure of your abuser and you are doing what you need to in order to feel less at risk.
He is not your responsibility. If he threatens to hurt himself it’s all part of him trying to exert control over you.

plantlife Fri 29-Nov-19 21:35:48

Thank you. I don't want to lie to you so I'll be honest. I didn't make it out. I panicked I wouldn't be ready and then back before him. I know it sounds like me being paranoid but every time I've started getting better health-wise he's awful.

I don't know what level of detail I should give in the housing application. There's a half page asking why I'm applying and a separate full page for me to write any supporting information. I don't know if I detail specific incidents. Do I just mention past physical violence or say exactly what he did. Also how far back should I go. My local DV charity said they only take into account the past 12 months when accessing risk. I don't know if it's the same for housing application. It won't make sense why I'm so scared of him if I don't refer to the past. I also don't want to say anything that would get him arrested. Especially before I've left, although I really don't want it to happen anyway. I'm already scared he'll hurt himself if I leave. I don't want to make it worse for him.

I realise I need to mentally prepare for a refuge rather than anything permanent. I'm trying to do that.

Wolfiefan Fri 29-Nov-19 15:45:28

Sod the neighbours!!!
Hope you made it outside.
You owe us nothing. But you owe yourself the chance to make things better.

plantlife Fri 29-Nov-19 15:28:57

Thank you so very much again for being so kind. I want to try to go outdoors again today. Don't want him to know so last chance before the weekend.
Over the weekend, I'll think hard about what I need to ask and what to write. If I struggle, if it's ok, I'll post here - and try not to ramble.

My local support place said they don't help with housing. I spoke very briefly to one in an area I'm thinking of moving to. They are wonderful but I don't feel I should push things. I had a brief question about the housing re DV on their area. As I'm not local at the moment I don't feel able to ask for further help. I have one other local one to possibly try on Monday.

I think it does help me to feel accountable. It pushes me to keep trying. I do feel I owe you all and I'd love to report back that I've sorted things out for myself.

I'm going to try to go outside now. So nervous. Keep feeling sick with shame about the neighbours. I have to try though

Wolfiefan Fri 29-Nov-19 07:17:35

Not lazy at all. Could the support places help you to fill in the application.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie Fri 29-Nov-19 06:06:24

@plantlife - I’m sure between us, we can help you.
I’m guessing there are two things you need sort...

- what you’re going to say on the phone
- what you need to write down on your housing application

You can use this space to make a start.

Personally, I find it a good idea to make myself accountable to other people when I have stuff to do.

You can also just go through this thread and pick out the stuff you need.

plantlife Fri 29-Nov-19 00:21:04

I saw two lovely dogs when I went out. I hope you have a good dog walk tomorrow.

I think if I'm like I was today I should be able to explain the situation. But I've had times when I've tried to speak to support places and I feel numb and frozen, no strength to explain anything or even really speak. I know it seems lazy, maybe it is? But if that keeps happening maybe I should just email the link and ask for help. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm tired.

I plan to write down what help I think I might need, in bullet points so no rambling. Hopefully this will focus me and get things moving. I have a housing application to fill in (not in my current area) and I'm scared I won't explain things properly or say it the wrong way and then won't be accepted for help. It all feels so daunting, and I'm feeling very scared and conflicted about any plans. He's being nice.

Maybe I can do this myself. I'm going to think about possible good futures - with dogs, to try to stay strong.

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