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is this abuse?

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plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:05:37

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

QueefLatifah Sun 08-Sep-19 13:33:51

Christ almighty this was horrible to read.
You are wasting your LIFE.
Get the hell away from this loser and start again before you look back and wonder where your life went.

He is abusing you.
You don’t need proof.

cakeandchampagne Sun 08-Sep-19 13:37:13

He is choosing to threaten & shout & assault you to try to control you and scare you.
You don’t “make” him do these things.

Maybe one of the friends you’ve been out of touch with could help you?

Jubba Sun 08-Sep-19 14:00:27

Oh. This breaks my heart. This post really hits me Dee

He’s abusive. He is. I’m sorry. But you need to get out of there somehow. You don’t need proof. You’ve got a dmanaged ear drum.

He’s making you believe you’re not worthy of time. You aren’t making this all up. You aren’t pathetic and you sure as hell don’t sound it me either

Please pm me if you ever want to talk. Please please xxx

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 16:22:04

Jubba, thank you. I'm really grateful for the offer. I don't want to waste your time with my whinges. I'm going to have a chance to leave very soon. I don't know if I really need to anymore and how to leave if I do. It's all past events. They said i could go on a list for counselling but they can't offer anything else because I'm not in danger. They're right.

I'm very very dependant on him. He pays for everything except I do get ESA. Does the shopping, food, everything. I don't even go outdoors much. I know I'm not normal. I can't remember being normal but think I used to be.

I don't feel I can honestly say I'm in danger if I try to get help. It's mostly things that happened in the past, not active abuse. I'm scared of him but probably just I can't move on from the past. I think it's helping writing here what happens. Last weekend we had an argument. It was my fault, I was stressed and unfairly blamed him for something and went on about it. He was trying so hard and being so nice. He ended up, only after being provoked, raising his fist but stopped before he hit me. I shouted about him beating me up. He shouted, by the open window so everyone could hear, he'd never beaten me up, he'd hit me, kicked me, but never a proper beating. He's so sorry about the past. It's me that won't let go.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 16:31:31

I'm sorry. At this stage I think I just need to write down somewhere. Just so some people know. I truly don't expect replies. I just need to document somewhere in the outside world what happened. It's a very long time ago. I hate myself for betraying him by telling you. He's not a bad person. It's insecurity and depression, he just needs patience and not me being stressed. I know what I'm going to write sounds bad but it was years ago. Never happened again. Early in the relationship he filmed me doing something (sexual) to him. I didn't know until I looked up. I felt trapped at the time. If I'd complained, he already had the footage. This was before the revenge porn law came in. He also had photos. I found out later he'd put it on a website people use, amateur porn thing. He admitted it once but now denies doing that. Again, no evidence. He's deleted everything. Please don't hate him. It was years ago. He's actually so insecure. Never happened again. He realised it's wrong. He had a bad influence friend. I care about him so much.

Thereblegeopart Sun 08-Sep-19 16:32:04

That's what abusers do to keep you sweet. Stop and then repeat, but as time goes on the violence and maltreatment gradually gets worse.

Then you start blaming yourself for the behaviour. Making you think you are crazy by constantly deflecting blame and denying behaviour or love bombing you. Abusers constantly change the goal posts to keep you under their control.

No one on this earth has the right to kick and punch you or scream in your ears. You are at risk of serious at harm, and it would seem you are so sucked in and vulnerable that you cannot see this, the wood from the trees.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 16:36:48

It is NOT your fault. None of it is.
If a person finds your behaviour annoying or a PITA they have the choice in how to respond. They can walk away.
You aren’t provoking him. He’s abusing you and then trying to place the blame for his unacceptable behaviour on you.
It’s not your fault.
It’s not the fault of his friend.
It’s his fault.
He’s a nasty piece of work who abuses you.

Thereblegeopart Sun 08-Sep-19 16:37:19

Another sign of an abuser, blaming their MH for shitty behaviour. It sounds like this man has extremely shallow/superficial empathy, and has zero to very little genuine accountability for his actions.

You are not to blame for the way he acts towards you.

You just keep layering layer upon layer of excuse for his vile behaviour towards you.

What is it going to take for you to wake up?

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 16:39:12

I don't know what to think. I'm sorry. I love him. I don't want to lose him. He might kill himself if I left him. He hasn't said that but he's already struggling with mental health. He's bought me everything including food. How can I leave him in the lurch. I think he needs me to need him. I don't have anyone else. Even if I should leave, they told me they couldn't help because I'm not in current danger so how can I leave? I'd feel like a fraud taking a place from a woman who really needed it.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 16:40:43

He’s an abuser and you need to leave him.
His mental health isn’t your problem and you’re not responsible for his wellbeing.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 16:56:56

Can I do it? Even if I do need to leave, how? They said I wasn't in immediate danger. I have a safe roof over my head. I don't want to lose that. He's at work weekdays and away with work a lot so I get a whole home to myself. I'm scared all they'll do is arrest him if they believe me. Then he'll be released the next day, really angry. They'll probably believe him anyway as they did last time so it will probably be me that's arrested. He's recorded me crying and shouting back at him. Not saying anything like he says to me, but I sound mad and they'll section me.

I know you think I'm stupid. I really don't think he's an abuser. He loses his temper but doesn't mean to hurt or upset me. He looks after me. He struggles with trusting people. It's so important he has me to care about him and to forgive him.

RevealTheLegend Sun 08-Sep-19 17:06:22

Read some of the threads in relationships on here.

I know your situation feels unique and Scart, but you’ll soon see that he is following a script to the bloody letter. It’s so pathetic and mundane, and utterly cold blooded terrifying.

Even just spilling your posts I can see he’s done the classics:

Make you out to be the one at fault
Convince you that you need proof to leave
Move you aware from friends for ‘Reasons‘ (absolute classic that one)
Doesn’t stop you going to visit friends, but engineers an argument entirely bc coincidence every time
Blames an unspecified mental illness for any bad behaviour
Threatens suicide when you pull him up on his bullshit

They are clever, they are sly and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. People here and in real life can help you. Keep posting. You can do this.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 17:07:15

People get cross. They walk away or go for a run. They don’t hurt or upset the people closest to them. He’s choosing to do that. He’s not looking after you. What’s important is for you to put yourself first.
Perhaps get some advice and make a plan. Do you have family you could stay with?

RevealTheLegend Sun 08-Sep-19 17:08:35

Ffs my autocorrect has gone mad

Aware =away

You are not stupid btw. You are a normal trusting loving human being.

Mabelface Sun 08-Sep-19 17:22:12

Love, he really is still abusive, and he's got you so ground down that you're now dependant on him. Look up trauma bonding. You know, you don't need anyone's permission to leave him, nor do you need an excuse. Once you've left, you'll probably find that your friends will be so glad that he's gone and they've got you back. Think about what's happened
Moved you away from friends
Isolated you by kicking off when you went out.
Blaming you for his anger and lack of control
Damaged your hearing
Making you doubt yourself all the time.

Think about it, love. You're not safe with him, he still frightens you and you don't feel safe and secure with him. I'm thinking that you played it down when you spoke to women's aid. You're still living in an abusive relationship. You matter, very much so. He's an emotionally stunted, abusive arse.

Twillow Sun 08-Sep-19 17:36:56

This is definitely abuse.
You don't need to have a black eye or be in hospital in a coma for it to be abuse.
His behaviour is dominating your life. Arguments are one thing but showing anger in a way that scares you IS abuse.
Does he do it at work, or on visits to family? I very much doubt it.
I agree that whatever you said to Women's Aid was not the full picture, because in my experience I have always been believed - there doesn't need to be proof. I can understand why - it sounds like you are scared of repercussions if he gets arrested. It doesn't work like that - they are not going to go barging your door in and pull him in to interrogate him about his behaviour.
Only you can ultimately decide if this is the life you want. This is not easy because of the way you have become acclimatised for being the one responsible - when actually, you're the victim here.
All the dark fears you have about what will happen if you try to leave are unknown, and very likely to not happen! You can leave someone for any reason you want, you don't need to prove anything. In a divorce, behaviour is rarely taken into consideration other than a reason to separate (and as my solicitor explained, that unreasonable behaviour can simply be you don't like the way they make tea!)
I won't lie, finances can be a long drawn out affair after divorce particularly with a petulant man who feels hard done by when it's their own bloody fault (!!). But lean on your family would be my advice - you may think they know nothing but my guess is they've seen you change and are worried about what's wrong.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 18:27:02

I don't know what to do. I'm scared of being turned down again if I ask for help. He's not abusing me right now. I need to be believed or they won't help. Until I ask and they say no, there's hope but if I ask and they say no, all hope is gone. It probably seems like I'm really annoying and stupid for not listening to advice. That's true. I've been given advice before and was too scared and stupid to take it. I don't know what to do. He's away and I feel so guilty but it's good. I feel on edge constantly when he's here but he's my only support. I can't get help if I'm not completely honest but I'm scared people won't want to help me. If it's ok maybe I can write and explain more later or tomorrow.

I hope this is ok. Now I've started writing about it I can't stop. I only have a few photos from the past. The worse ones were when I had no camera. This is the only real proof and he'll tell them I selfharmed. The police have me flagged on their database as mentally ill because they believed him.

I have no family support.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 18:38:25

I'm sorry if I shouldn't post this. I feel like I need to show someone. No-one's ever seen before except a neighbour who tried to help but understandably was angry and fed-up with the noise and me being so ungrateful because I blamed the neighbour.

The thing is all this is the past. He no longer does this. Maybe I should get counselling because it seems to help writing here and maybe then we can move forwards and be ok together? It must be a sign he wants to change because he's not doing that anymore. He really is trying and I really do think he cares about me.

I'm frightened of the outside world now, I've been letdown by people, and he's my protection.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 18:41:37

He’s not your protection. If he was he wouldn’t leave you bruised or damage your hearing.

Thereblegeopart Sun 08-Sep-19 20:26:03

He's made you dependant on him, he's made you start to lose your sense of reality, he's threatening you and deflecting his own appalling behaviour by recording you.

I actually feel truly sad for you. Please have some self-respect and get some help to get away from him. The longer you stay with him, the more he will isolate you and trap you like he is doing already.

ellzebellze Sun 08-Sep-19 20:44:59

He is an abuser.

The police cannot diagnose mental illness. All they have on file is what he told them. Not a doctor's report.

Go to your GP and tell them that your dp has told the police that you are mentally ill when they attended your home after he was yelling and hit you. Tell your doctor that the police believed him and not you. I'm sure that your doctor will be horrified to hear that, and they can make notes on your medical record. Tell the doctor about what really caused your hearing damage as well.

Please start telling people what has really happened.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 21:55:05

I know it's going to sound like I'm making excuses. I'm telling the truth. The GP didn't believe me, or if they did they don't care. The way things are now they probably think I deserve anything I get. The one I used to see seems determined that everything wrong with me is mental health. She won't see me now or they won't let me have an appointment with her, I'm not sure. They messed something up but every time I tried to sort it out she just ignored me. They then tried to blame my mental health. I know this sounds like it is me. I've written a bit about some of this before with different names. Even with test results showing something was real, she said it was mental health - but I don't think she read the notes. Things are actually very bad with them now, it's got to complaint stage, they hate me and I think I'm about to be struck off their list.

That's a major reason why I need my partner. I need his change to be genuine because I really haven't got anyone to turn to in RL. I seem to alienate people including those who are meant to help and I'm scared I'll do it here too. That's why I'm so scared of asking for help again.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 22:01:13

I think I've said too much. I don't want anyone to recognise me especially not from my GP. I've made things with my partner sound much worse than it is now. He needs me as well as me needing him. I've betrayed him by writing about the past. I think I need to move on and just start sorting out the current problems that aren't his fault. I'm sorry for writing so much self pitying rubbish. It really isn't like the abuse anymore. I think I just needed to write about what had happened in the past. Now it's off my chest I can move on. He's not a bad person. There's many much worse people out there and I feel safe here at home.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 22:12:32

No. What you need is to be safe and able to rebuild your life.
You haven’t betrayed him. He’s let you down and betrayed your trust.
There are worse people? Well yes. There are child abusers and serial murderers. But that doesn’t make his behaviour ok.
Plan an out.
Look into the freedom programme.
You deserve someone who supports you and makes you feel cherished and loved.

looondonn Sun 08-Sep-19 22:16:08

This thread is deeply worrying

Please leave

How about tomorrow?

Talk through a plan on here

You must go
I stayed

I said all the things you said
Then ....
Dadadaaaaa he tries to kill me
But yet it is all my fault all of it


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