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is this abuse?

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plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:05:37

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 08:52:11

OP, he is a proper abuser. A real life wife beating emotionally destructive abuser.

You really need to stop blaming everything on your old GP. He sounds like a twat, but the problems existed before him and they’re not any better now you’ve switched, are they?

Projecting your problems onto your old GP is not helping you. I’ve had some shit doctors, some proper sexist dismissive unsympathetic arsehole ones, I expect a lot of us have, but you have switched now, and it’s not your doctor who hits you or damaged your ear by screaming into it is it? Drop the old GP stuff. You’ll get nowhere if you don’t.

Twillow Mon 30-Sep-19 12:06:25

A rescue dog has saved the life of one of my children. I'm not kidding, the dog has completely turned her life around after a terrible time with depression and anxiety.

Today I want you to think about this. You have the potential end of a tenancy coming up. He keeps saying he doesn't know if you should be together or not. The circumstances are almost giving it to you on a plate - it's like a sign that you should take a refuge place! Otherwise, he might decide he doesn't want to live with you and you could end up with your homeless fear after all as it doesn't sound as if you are the best frame of mind to be house-hunting...this is how people end up on the streets you know, mental and physical illness, on sick leave or redundancy. Happens every day.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 12:56:39

I feel sick like it's a bad dream and I wish you were wrong but I know you're both right. I sometimes feel like I'm playing out a story in my head but it's real isn't it. This is the truth I think. I thought about it last time. It's a bit shameful I think and certainly pathetic. I think I'm deep down comfortable with being a victim. Being punished but also being looked after. I think maybe one of the things he might be referring to when he talked about having people to testify for him. This is going to sound troll like or disgusting. I'm sorry. I used to think I like spanking. A consensual thing. But actually it was never sexual for me. It actually was cathartic, I felt like I needed to be hurt. I'm sorry it's disgusting. I love my parents so much but they could be like him at times.

I just had s meltdown. I'm playing into his hands. One of the neighbours is off work. They always have a very loud TV. It's hard to think straight with it, but it's not her fault. Just bad conversion. I feel so horrible. I was shouting and crying. Maybe I should leave a note of apology. Anyway so that helps him, saying I'm mad.

I don't want police involved. Its to much for me. Just if he involved them to try to cause trouble, is it proof enough messages from him threatening to do something awful to the (male) neighbour?

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 13:02:43

Twillow, you're exactly right. This is what I'm terrified of, why I've stayed after he's been violent, why Ive begged him to stay, and he knows it. He sometimes says I'll be homeless without him.

It's so hard because it's terrifying taking steps to leave when dealing with so much else. I had planned to leave this last month but obviously it all went wrong.

It's frightening because he's done this lots, threatened to leave or end the tenancy, but all it seems he wants is the feeling that he's controlling who leaves and when. Once I've begged him he stays. I've suggested leaving a few times and he always doesn't want to when I suggest it.

So if I go to a refuge or risk going to a charity (and risk them calling the police), it could all be for nothing. I'd lose him and it's so hard and scary.

I need to try. He's back tonight. I'm dreading not knowing how to behave.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 13:09:44

I'll be ok in a refuge? I used to live in a bedsit years ago. I hated it, sharing the bathroom with strangers. I ended up using an empty bottle of water to pee in at night because I didn't want to go out in my pyjamas. I coped better though then because I was young, fit, healthy, active social life. Maybe it was more scary because it was mixed gender so men using the bathroom too?

It's also genuinely so very painful not being a mum. I feel so ashamed about it. Please don't be offended anyone else without children. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of at all. It's just it's what I wanted more than anything. Always. So I failed at that. It will be so hard bumping into children at the refuge. I'll feel so ashamed and not normal. I'm sorry, again, I don't think others without children aren't normal. I suppose it's just it's such a thing for me.

Sorry, rambling. Maybe I should set a target to call the charity back by the end of this week?

Id love to get through this and rescue a dog. It's so nice to hear how one of your children was helped by one. It must be hard seeing your child go through such a hard time, I'm so sorry.

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 14:30:17

OP, I've read your thread.
YOU are not the issue HE is!
He's been both physical in the past and also mentally abusive of you.
I have been in your EXACT situation. Poorly, scared, anxiety, stress, worry.
I was young and nieve at the time. He was older than me (I was 16 he was 21) he started off secluding me from my friends / family. Saying they didn't care, that's why they didn't message, they don't want me. My friends think I'm a 'clingy' person that's why they never invited me out. I was to stay with him, he would look after me, he wanted me, he loved me. He slowly started dripping information into my head. Nobody else would want me. Nobody else would put up with me, nobody would care about me if I wasn't there. Even made me call family (knowing they was at work and couldn't answer) and said "see they don't care" he done this over a few months, slowly slowly feeding me all that rubbish. Then the physical abuse came in. First it was a grab of my wrist (I made him do it because I never listened) then it was a smack (I needed to be taught a lesson because I wasn't listening) then it was strangling me (was all in my imagination this time)
We lived under his mums roof at the time. I mentioned it to her and she spoke to him. He told her I was depressed and 'dreamt' everything. The abuse then got worst.
I didn't meet him from work one day. I had GCSE coursework due in then went for a bath. He pushed me under the water with his hands round my throat. Just as I was struggling he dragged me out, pushed me down the stairs, kicked me in the ribs repeatedly. His mum came home early. Just as he was picking me up (not sure what his plans were next) he told her I was in the bath, had an asthma attack and fell down the stairs.
He then told me I pushed him to do this, that if I would have met him he wouldn't have got angry, that woman are suppose to do as their man says.
My teacher saw marks on my arms and asked me where I got them, I put a cardigan on and said I walked into a door. She said when you're ready to talk come and find me. A few months of strangling and being grabbed I found the courage to speak to her. She helped me find a number of a hostel (for homeless people) I rung them and they said they could home me (I had my own room and own bathroom just shared a kitchen but at certain times of the day nobody was in there) she helped me come up with a plan to leave.
I left at 3am. (he was asleep his family on holiday) I packed as much as I could in a bag and walked out of the door. Rung DM and she came straight away and kept me at hers till the morning when I went to the hostel.
My teacher then spoke to the head master, who rung the police and social services. I got threatening texts saying he would be sure to finish the job considering I was spreading rumours about which was in my head and I had made up and I had no 'proof' any of this happened. I blocked his number. Dropped the police charges.

I have been away from this man for 10 years now, and I honestly have not been happier. I wish I had left sooner! It was only after I left I realised what he had done, the manipulation, thinking it was my fault, things wasn't actually that bad I had made it up, he was supportive of me, he loved me, he cared about me. NONE of these things were true.
Nobody can love you and care about you truly if they can be violent (drunk or not) or emotionally abusive OP. They want to control you.
I understand exactly how you're feeling. I've been there.
Please, please leave OP. It'll only get worst, I promise you will not regret it!

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 14:51:53

You are not mad, you really aren’t. You clearly have a lot of unresolved issues from childhood trauma, but that is not your fault.Please don’t blame yourself for them. Nobody has helped you work through them and resolve them, and as a result you’ve found yourself in a horribly abusive situation as an adult. This really isn’t unusual, unfortunately. Lots of women have abusive childhoods where they are raised to feel worthless which then translates into adult relationships. If you could get out from under your partner’s influence you’d see just how common it is, and just how much he’s played on your insecurities to control you.

Look, sharing a bathroom is grim, I’ll give you that, I don’t like it either, but it won’t be for ever, and you wouldn’t be sharing with adult men.If you want to piss in a bottle during the night then go for it, I think I might do the same. You would have your own space though, where nobody could enter unless invited by you. Like I’ve said previously, after a bit of getting used to things you’ll enjoy having people around to talk to. Don’t forget, women in a refuge will have been in similar situations to you, so it’s not even like you’d be surrounded by people who don’t understand.

Re the kids thing: Lots of women can’t and don’t have kids, even though they would love to; lots of women have kids they don’t take care of and don’t really want; lots of women have kids who they love and cherish; and lots of women just don’t want kids. Honestly nobody is looking at you and wondering why you didn’t have kids. To be perfectly honest it’s a bloody good job you haven’t, considering the situation you’re in. An abusive relationship is no place to bring up a happy child, just ask mine. I’ve had to do a lot of work with my DS to undo all the emotional damage caused by his abusive father. And don’t tell me your partner would have been different if you’d had a child, because he wouldn’t have. Refuges are full of women who thought that, then found out otherwise. Kids don’t mend relationships, they actually put huge amounts of pressure on perfectly healthy ones, and not all survive.

Look though, all of these things are hypothetical, because at the moment you’re stuck there, with him. You’ll keep believing all the crap he’s feeding you until you get out and find out for yourself that he’s talking through his arse.

As for people testifying against you, like I said, you barely see another human, so they don’t even know you. A court of law is not going to have any time for some rando who rocks up with a totally true story that his mate down the pub told him, it’s just not going to happen. Can you imagine what a state society would be in if the justice system just said, ‘well John said Paul nicked that cash, because Dave down the pub told him he had a wallet full of tenners. so we thought we’d better bang him up for a bit.’ It’s just not gonna fly, is it. Some random you don’t know saying your mental because x said so will carry as much weight as that. The only opinion police, courts and medical professionals are interested in when it comes to matters of a person’s mental health is that of other professionals, not randoms whose mate told him his misus is a bit mad.

Incidentally, these people he reckons he’d get to testify against you, do you think they know he’s a wife beater? I bet you they don’t, and I doubt they’d be all too impressed if they knew. I also very much doubt that they’d consider the odd punch or kick here or there acceptable either. There’s a lot of arsehole men out there, but even amongst their number most wouldn’t condone or excuse that.

Please do take note of the next thing I’m going to say though, otherwise the game will be up and the whole thing will be dead in the water. Do not, and I repeat, do not, tell him that you’re thinking about leaving him, or that you’re seeking advice about leaving. You know yourself that every time his control slips, such as when you start to get well, or that you’d like him to leave, that he then feels threatened and tries to undermine you. Whenever he twigs that you might be gaining any independence whatsoever he ramps up the emotional stuff. You can’t afford to let him even have an in incling, otherwise any positive progress you make will be immediately undone by him, with interest. Come on here and rant, swear, cry, have a self pitying whinge, whatever you feel, we’ll all be here to listen, but for jesus fucking christ’s sake, don’t let on to him.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:01:14

Thank you everyone again for being so supportive. I feel so grateful you've taken time to write kind replies and bad that I seem to be ignoring your advice. Im trying to get sorted

Flavarings, I'm so glad you got away but so sorry you went through all that. I feel so ashamed because I'm older than you and still haven't left. You were so young to go through it and brave enough to get out. I'm so glad for you.

I really wasn't sure whether to mention this because I know it's going to look like a drip feed or make up. I promise it isn't but I know you don't have to believe me. Im only mentioning it now because I'm so not sure how much to say if I do the risk assessment. I will be honest but this incident happened 3 or 4 years ago and only once, never again. I did tell another charity once (anonymously) and they said it wasn't high risk as long time ago. Please reassure me that's true. I don't want police. It was the post above that made me think. It wasn't strangling. He just held me in a very tight chokehold with his arms. I couldn't move but could breathe. I had a sore throat for a few days after and talked like you do when you suck a balloon. But that's it. Nothing since then. I think he's genuinely sorry.

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 15:13:08

Hun, they're never truly sorry. They're only saying that to get you to stay so that they can do it again. They thrive from the control. Knowing you'll walk on egg shells and do everything. One foot out of line and poof again they turn.
He's done it once, nothing is stopping him doing it again. If he was truly sorry he would have got himself help to control his anger. He hasn't. He's manipulating you to stay, knowing you will. He's mentally abusing you to play down what he has done. Making you believe it didn't happen. And I get it, they do such a good job that you believe they're right and you question yourself.
OP he isn't sorry. He thrives from you being scared of him. X

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:15:15

Thank you Whatisthisfuckery. Thank you. It's helping me realise perhaps I do need to take the risk of a refuge, perhaps I'll cope. It's definitely good there won't be any men sharing a refuge bathroom so at least it's safe?

I'm so grateful I have here to vent and write. Thank you. You're right. I am actually really nervous about how to be around him. That's what's so frightening about the leaving, giving notice on flat thing. It's really difficult for me because if I act like I'm ok with that, say of course he has a right to leave, he won't actually be happy with that. He seems to want me to beg him to stay. It's hard because I can't win either way. I'll have to try to be really careful in how I behave around him. I suppose it is important I get back to the charity. I think I'm gaining confidence. Thank you all again. I'm sorry you've all had such awful experiences too. I did desperately want children and did beg him to try but there's been problems conceiving. And he doesn't want sex when I ask (as soon as I want it he doesn't, he only wants it if I don't or feel ill or something). I know I wouldn't want to bring kids up with him. I know what it's like to grow up with temper rages. So I know it's best even if painful we didn't have any.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:17:56

Thank you, Flavarings. It's so hard but I know you're right. Thanks for helping me try to realise that. He's due home in a few hours. I'm going to eat and try to relax for now.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 15:18:51

It might not be immediately relevant, but it’s all information supporting you story. Strangulation is actually a massive indicator of future lethality. I’m not saying that he’ll kill you, but strangulation is a huge warning sign that he may have the potential.

OP, how can you feel that any of this is alright? My heart breaks for you, none of this is alright. Even if you were the biggest bitch on earth, which I doun’t for a second think you are, I wouoldn’t think it was alright. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, because anyone who could subject another person to that treatment would be just as bad or worse.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 15:19:14

Sorry, typing too quick.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:22:09

Sorry just one more thing for now. He's actually got a friend who was in prison for doing something to a woman. He won't tell me what. Apparently breaching a restraining order. The group still hang out together. I'm actually glad though because I know you think I'm mad but at least if I left and he actually didn't really want me to leave, he won't be alone. He's got his friends.

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 15:24:00

If you ever need a chat OP, just PM me. I'm more than happy to have a chat! I work in a veterinary practice so could tell you all about the cute animals I've seen in a day, or even to moan about this 'lovely British weather' You're stronger than you think you are, honestly I didn't want to leave. Thought nobody would want me, I loved him, I wanted a cuddle everything you are feeling. I've met DP (been together 6 years now) and have 2 beautiful children.
Get your things together in secret, spare cash, birth certificate, I'd, letters etc. Make sure you hide them. (easier said than done I know) as a PP do not say you plan to leave. Don't even let on. Try stay as normal as possible. It'll only fuel his fire, he will think he's losing the control, he will up the abuse to make you scared and stay with him. It's a viscous merry go round. It'll be worth it when your free!

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:30:47

I can't even explain to myself. I know it's not right to do that to someone. I don't like the person I'm become though. Like shouting on the meltdown this morning. Though I wasn't saying anything violent. I suppose I didn't leave or do anything because of lots of reasons. Obviously my homeless fear but I still had money and was working part-time at that stage. So maybe because I still care so much about him, I love being with someone, I felt ashamed and confused. I don't think he'll kill me. He's said he definitely won't do prison for me. Especially think he won't after that time recently when I told him to go ahead. If he thinks I want it, he won't. I stupidly told him I preferred him hitting me to being homeless.

I think I can do this. If people in the refuge are like all of you, it's not so bad. You've all been so understanding.

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 15:40:19

Do you think murderers say they would do time? They wouldn't. All of these men say this so that they can manipulate you again. He's had you in a choke hold. That could have killed you, whether he wants to admit that or not he could. If you say "go ahead" he will think you're asking for it will tell you that too. Say you asked him to do it. They push you into a corner, twist things. Make you believe it's your fault. It never is. OP, he's been violent before, all it takes is one split second, one pick up of a heavy / sharp item and it's game over.
People in the refuge are going through what you're going through. They're in the same boat. They know how you're feeling n

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 17:00:34

Thank you so much again for being so supportive. I feel bad that I haven't moved forwards yet. He's back this evening. I'm nervous about how to behave around him. I did get the confidence to leave but lost it after the doctor stuff. Hopefully I'll get it back soon now it's sort of sorted. Thank you so much, Flavarings. It's weird but I think I've forgotten how to chat normally. I'm so pathetic, I'd find it hard to work at a vets. I'd be too upset when the animals were ill, but it's so good people do work there to help lots of them get better. Thank you all again.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 17:44:44

OP, believe it or not, there’s a marked difference in the way you write even during the duration of this thread. You are making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Please come back when it’s safe and talk to us. We’re all here and thinking about you.

Remember that app, Hollie Guard. If he’s not back yet then download it, then when he starts you can capture it as evidence.

Please stay safe, and stay strong. Keep in touch and keep making those baby steps. You might not be ready to leave today, but one day you will. Just try to keep clearing your mind, and do re-read this thread, to remind you for when the fog descends again.

Many of us have been through similar, there is life on the other side. Don’t forget, we’re here for you. Stay safe. XX

Twillow Mon 30-Sep-19 18:01:34

So many people on here on your side. I am dreading him coming back tonight, having been in that half-happy lull when an abusive partner is away. I do understand.
No-one has accused you of drip-feeding, it's perfectly understandable to want to block things out. The strangulation (a choke-hold is that, even if he generously controlled the pressure enough to allow you to breathe) is such a dangerous sign. You 'only' could barely talk for a few days? This is how the game goes. He tells you 'you made him do it'. you tell yourself 'it's not that bad'.
Come on, Plantlife. This is no life at all even for a plant!!
Remember what I said before, abuse is not that stereotype of a black eye. It's much much more common that the abuse is aimed where it's less visible.

Now, why are you making a target to call the charity by the end of the week. It's only Monday - aim to do it the very next time you are alone please....

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 18:01:54

We're all here for a chat OP, whenever you need it just post. Stay safe! Let us know how you're getting on if it's safe to do so. Remember your not alone, many many women are out there in your situation. Baby steps are all it takes, you'll get there. But for now look after yourself. Xx

Wolfiefan Mon 30-Sep-19 18:05:09

You’re not pathetic and you’re chatting just fine to us! Hope things are ok tonight.
I volunteer at a shelter. Cat cuddling and dog walking. That’s lovely.

Twillow Mon 30-Sep-19 18:09:20

No-one is going to call the police on him, least of all a DA charity. Please don't worry about this. Why don't you ring them and and ask them to confirm this for you as your first question?

cakeandchampagne Mon 30-Sep-19 18:47:30

Thinking of you this evening.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 20:57:11

Thank you so much again. You're all being so kind. I don't feel like I deserve it, feel a bit of a fraud. The incidents are isolated, not like frequent. There were no marks left with the choke thing. He's being really really nice. He's in the bath. I feel so guilty. I know it can't go on like this forever. I will do some thinking, try to get my head straight. I will re-read this thread, it's good advice, I think it helps me maybe think about it all. Thank you again.

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