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is this abuse?

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plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:05:37

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

plantlife Sat 28-Sep-19 22:51:03

Im really tired now from the painkillers so can't reply properly (perhaps better than rambling). Just really wanted to say thank you because you've taken the time to write such a long and kind post trying to help me. Thank you to everyone actually. I promise I'll think really hard about what to do. I know he's been bad in the past and I am aware it could happen again but please believe me, I think I've made it sound worse than it is. But I will think through again and reread the replies to help me.

I'm still bit concerned they mentioned possible ambulance. They think it's mental health? I think it's best I get my condition checked asap at the hospital, partly to check no permanent damage but also to show hopefully Im stressed maybe but mentally capable.

I will think things through. Thank you so much again.

Barbel Sat 28-Sep-19 23:16:39

Painkillers? Are u ok?

plantlife Sat 28-Sep-19 23:29:28

Sorry didn't mean to worry anyone. I'm on painkillers for my health condition. GP knows. My old GP said it was all mental health but it's finally sorted, new GP read my notes properly.

cakeandchampagne Sun 29-Sep-19 00:17:38

So the accuracy of the medical information/doctor is especially important because of the medication/treatment: long term use of painkillers.

Twillow Sun 29-Sep-19 00:30:47

He has really done a job on you over your fear of being sectioned, hasn't he?
The mention of possibly needing an ambulance is undoubtably because you have discussed a severe disabling medical condition that has left you largely housebound for months! People are not sectioned willy nilly. It takes a huge amount of medical resources and cost to the NHS and would not be entertained on a whim or for emotional distress with good cause.

You sound very anxious, very scared, but very far from mentally incapable.

And you ARE downplaying his behaviour, when you start to say '"I''ve made it sound worse than it is". There is no reason for you to make it sound worse than it is, no-one here knows either of you so you have had no reason to do anything but tell the truth... I'm not being unkind, I hope, I understand why you want to believe it's not that bad. But it is bad. A few cuddles and apologies don't erase anything.

plantlife Sun 29-Sep-19 00:53:54

The thread is being moved to OTBT just in case anyone worries what happened. I'm starting to worry a little about how public it is. I wish I could show just how grateful I am for all your replies and support. It really has helped and you've reassured me a lot about some of my fears.

I really am going to read through it all and think very hard about what to do. I've found it massively helpful writing here.
Thank you all so much again. I should try to go to bed and try to think through things with a fresh mind tomorrow. I've only been taking the painkillers since my medication was stopped. I'm cutting down on them now the medication is sorted. I wouldn't want to be on them long-term, they make me too tired. Thank you all again.

Wolfiefan Sun 29-Sep-19 07:37:51

Hope you’ve slept ok. Can’t find it yet on OTBT. Will keep an eye out. I’m glad you’ve found this thread helpful.

Whatisthisfuckery Sun 29-Sep-19 10:23:19

OP, can I reassure you that you absolutely will not get sectioned. I can tell you with absolute certainty that getting sectioned is very difficult, even for those who need it. You really really will not be sectioned. I know the MH system inside out and back to front, I have walked out of A&E twice when I definitely should have been sectioned and I have a diagnosed mental illness. I have a mate who is so severely mentally ill that she’s been sectioned twice in the last few years, but not soon enough. People just don’t get sectioned for nothing, they don’t even get sectioned for putting themselves in serious danger. Honestly I cannot stress this enough, the MH system is broken, there’s not even psychiatric care for people who really need it. He’s been telling you lies, he knows fuck all about the MH system or sectioning.

Whatisthisfuckery Sun 29-Sep-19 10:41:02

And just to say, by walked out of A&E, I mean I’d been admitted after taking a massive overdose. I damn near killed myself, and by that I mean I stopped breathing, had to have a breathing tube and was On the verge of being sent to intensive care. This happened off the back of an extensive and documented period of depression where I was under the care of the MH team throughout, a record of previous suicide attempts and a known MH condition. Hitting yourself with a bottle of shaving cream three years ago just ain’t gonna cut it he’ll be disappointed to know. He’ll get laughed out the building with that,, in fact he’ll not only be laughed out the building, they’ll know exactly what he’s up to and why. It’s as old as the fucking hills. He’s not as clever as he thinks he is. Let’s just say there’s a reason men like him keep stuff like that, and the police/hospital know exactly why that is. He’d actually be outing his motives massively so don’t worry about that. If you said he was abusing you and told them what you’ve told us, him producing that little gotcha would actually strengthen your case. You would be asked about it of course, they wouldn’t be doing their jobs if they didn’t, but they ain’t gonna blame you and they most definitely ain’t gonna section you.

Twillow Sun 29-Sep-19 11:02:44

Morning Plantlife. We're still here. I come on every day.
You obviously know MN well as a regular or long-term user.

You'll be familiar with the term 'drip-feed'.
You'll be familiar with LTB.

In 12 pages, no-one has used these terms with you in an unfolding of a thread about a women has had her hearing damaged by abusive behaviour, who is ill and kept ill, kept dangling without food at times, is kept in fear of being homeless or being sectioned, has been failed and misunderstood at times by medical services, police, charities, has been hit, kicked, bruised and bloody, verbally and emotionally abused and gaslighted.

Would you agree that you've had nothing but kindness, support, understanding and well wishes on this thread? Has anyone on this thread disbelieved you, lost patience with you, blamed you?

So, I'm saying again, because you REALLY need to believe this:

* You are a victim.

* Even though you sometimes get angry and upset and shout on your own, you are NOT THE ABUSER.

* You have done nothing to antagonise him. He has chosen to act this way, or is unable to behave normally in the long term. His mind knows some of his behaviour is wrong, that's why he shouts at you and tells you it's your fault, to downplay and justify it in his mind.

* You have not, do not and never will 'deserve' to live like this.

* An abusive relationship is not like that all day every day. It would be easy to find the will to leave in that case. Your mind is subjected to hope that things are better now in the part of the cycle where he is not being unkind. Don't think that that good part is the real 'him' more than the bad part. It'a cycle, it won't stop going round.

Good luck Plantlife. I think you are stronger than you know.

LilyMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 29-Sep-19 11:22:28

We're moving this over to 30 days for the OP. flowers

plantlife Sun 29-Sep-19 16:12:15

Thank you everyone again. I sound like a broken record, but I truly am so grateful for your kind understanding. I did wonder I thought people would think dripfeeding or troll. I understand if they do. I'm sorry about dripfeeding. I genuinely wanted to keep the past in the past because I thought he'd changed.

I shouldn't post right now. My sleeping pattern is messed up, I just got up, which is shocking.I should eat too but confused so much.

He was due back and I'd missed his calls. Just spoke and he's drunk and stressed and angry. He's staying in s hotel tonight. But I really really think he's just drunk and upset (someone he used to know died recently and his parents, like mine, are ill). He says he looked at pictures of women beaten up by men and he hasn't done that. He says I'd be dead if he'd beaten me up. He's right, please believe me. I'm awful for exaggerating. I looked up pictures too, in the media. It's not like that.

I think he just says thinks to upset me, lashing out, in heat if moment. But he genuinely doesn't mean it. He then messaged saying he wants hugs. I think he doesn't think when drunk.

I'm going to be honest. I don't know how to explain this and if I'm right, I'm a terrible person. I don't know if perhaps I've exaggerated in my mind or subconsciously in hope because of fearing homelessness?

What if he's right. I'm unfairly blaming him. He's got a right to move out when he wants. I felt it was not nice to do it when I'm temporarily helpless but it's not a legal requirement for him to wait. He did delay treatment in the past but recently it's the old GP's fault not his. I also think he likes to feel no commitment and once I say let's move out and on, he's ok with staying.

Sorry, rambling.

Nagsnovalballs Sun 29-Sep-19 16:20:49

He is not your problem. He stopped being your problem when he was violent.

Hands up people of mumsnet - who has suffered from mental health problems, depression, anxiety etc, and managed to not terrorise their partners? 🖐

He may have problems but they are not connected to the abuse. They abuse is the red line that he should not have crossed but he did.

Wolfiefan Sun 29-Sep-19 16:22:24

Nobody should hurt you in any way. They don’t have to beat you to a pulp to be abusing you.
Partners should be kind and loving. You should feel supported and relaxed around them.
If he’s nasty when he drinks then he shouldn’t drink. Unfortunately alcohol lowers inhibitions and encourages the side he tries to keep hidden to come out.

plantlife Sun 29-Sep-19 16:25:32

I need to get offline and sort myself out, food, etc. I was going to get checked at hospital tomorrow to make sure no permanent damage with my condition, but also I need to speak to the domestic abuse charity. I'm scared they won't let me control the pace. I know you're all right, it's not ok situation but I don't think I'm at risk of immediate serious harm. I really hope they understand that I need some control. I just want to focus on getting well first, it won't take too long now I'm back in medication.

Thank you all again so much.

Whatisthisfuckery, I'm so sorry you've been through that and your friend too. I so hope you're doing ok now. Its weird, he always tries to say I'm mental, etc, but I genuinely think he's only trying to protect himself (if police involvement). He's not being deliberately nasty. It's actually my old GP who panicked me the most about sectioning. I unfortunately have a history but when I was a teenager so years ago (suicide attempt). My parents were sometimes abusive. Old GP was so insistent my condition was just mental health. And the time the police called an ambulance. I've got the report. It says mental state confused but refused assessment. To be fair to them I was very upset and stressed when they came.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. It helps let the fears out, expressing them. I'll miss being with someone so much if I left. I think you might think I'm younger than I am. I don't feel like starting again. People my age have families, they're busy. I'll miss having someone do silly little things like get tissues when having a cold. I'll miss doing the same for him. I'll miss looking after him.

Wolfiefan Sun 29-Sep-19 16:30:02

You’d get more back from a pet you looked after. He’s not looking after you.
I do hope your condition is under control soon.
He IS being deliberately nasty. People don’t accidentally behave like arseholes.

plantlife Sun 29-Sep-19 16:35:47

Sorry, last ramble. I've been thinking, I think he's angry and probably upset about the neighbours. He hates living here because he said some of them give him dirty looks, then there's the one who called him a wife beater, and the other one who banged on the door. He keeps telling me different things actually about him. He apparently met him in the street a few weeks after the door banging. He says the neighbour apologised for being angry and just said we should try to keep noise down (understandably) but then he says actually they chatted about the neighbour's "psycho" ex, then he says that's not true and they just spoke very briefly. Now he's saying something about being confronted by the neighbour. He says the neighbour was apologetic but said we should separate. I understand if that's true. I suppose we do need to live apart. Just feels like awful timing for me. And he was being so nice until I told him the good news about my health and the new gp. We probably should move for fresh start and new neighbours. I don't think he can afford to but he's told his mum I'm controlling and she's probably given him money. But then why's he still messaging saying he cares about me and wants hugs.

I need to go away, calm down, and eat.

plantlife Sun 29-Sep-19 16:45:15

I love animals. If I make it through all of this I'll get a pet. Thank you for being so nice. I have this uneasy feeling. I know I'm so scared of being homeless. I don't want to get him into trouble because he wants to move on. He is entitled to. Genuinely he's said this before when lease renewal due and/or when bad period with us, my health, or both, but regardless right now in the present, is it fair of me to possibly get him into trouble by going to a domestic abuse charity (police would be against my consent though)? I don't think he even means it about leaving. It could be cry wolf situation, this time really means it though. He says he's been in a prison the past few years stuck with me, not leaving because of my health, that I'm ruining his life. I feel guilty. Now I guess I am asking him to give me extra months to recover, but in the past my health was only so bad because he delayed or stopped my treatment (not directly though). Sorry, massive ramble.

cakeandchampagne Sun 29-Sep-19 17:36:16

What kind of dog are you planning to get? Any certain breed? Large or small? Or maybe whichever one you fall in love with at a shelter? smile

Wolfiefan Sun 29-Sep-19 17:59:12

Wolfie pup sends her love!

plantlife Sun 29-Sep-19 18:35:44

Oh, she's absolutely lovely! Thank you. She's really beautiful. I'd love any dog, I think. Id like to get one from a shelter. I suppose I'll know how they feel maybe

I got a takeaway to cheer myself up, and I think I feel like I've come to reality. I really do have to leave. I felt suddenly calm. He isn't here, I'm free to relax (for tonight) and wasn't helpless, I ordered food. Then I got that sick stress feeling thinking about tomorrow when he's back.

I feel so so guilty. He has done so much for me, he's suffering at the moment, he's stressed and upset. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me and I can be a nightmare and difficult and have provoked him (I know you'll think it's no excuse but it's hard for him when I'm stressed).

But I think I won't be ok if I don't get away. I'm already worrying about his moods or him having a bad day stopping me sorting my health properly. He says he's angry with other things, not me. I think he's telling the truth but even if it's just him being selfish and not deliberately hurting me, he may lash out verbally or physically.

I think I'm falling apart because I'm not sure that I can deal with it all in one go. The safety net of no pressure to move out or leave made it seem more doable, dealing with the health.

I'm also panicking. If we officially give notice, I think he'll still take his problems out on me. Maybe I'm being unfair on him but it's always been in the past. So I can't book appointments in case I can't go.

I've spent the past few days panicking so much about the possibility of him leaving, after the past two months stuck indoors, desperately trying to sort out my health condition. It feels like one blow after another, I've only seen my dad once since his second operation.

Whatisthisfuckery Sun 29-Sep-19 18:44:41

Yes darling, the neighbors give him filthy looks because he’s a fucking wife beater. In your head it’s fine he beats you, but the rest of the world don’t think that’s fine. Like I said, wife beaters are considered about as low as you can get. If he wants them to stop giving him filthy looks and telling the truth, that he’s a wife beater, then he knows what he should do.You are not a wife beater though, so don’t worry, they don’t hate you. Believe it or not they have your bestinterests at heart.

I bet he doesn’t hit or kick the neighbors, no? Instead he comes home and takes it out on you. He takes the consequences of his own actions out on you.

He’s a piece of shit.

plantlife Sun 29-Sep-19 18:50:04

I sound mad. Ridiculous confusion. I think he's panicking too. He said he doesn't care if he's arrested and he's got people willing to testify against me, that I'm a nightmare and mentally ill. I do have a mental health history (years and years ago now, and I was not violent or anything, just to myself). He's probably just panicking. I actually worry more he'll hurt himself. Please don't tell me not to care. Whatever he's done, he's still suffering too with stress and depression and deserves help. I wish he'd let me help him.

I didn't mention the police, he did. I told him I don't want him arrested. I desperately dont. I'll miss him so much if I leave. I don't want him in trouble. I hope the charity just help me leave without police. I think it's best actually they I go back to my first plan now my health is getting sorted. I'll find a refuge myself and leave. I'd had more than enough emotional support here.

Thank you all so much again

When I'm down I must look at that lovely photo of Wolfiepup.

Wolfiefan Sun 29-Sep-19 19:11:45

Bless you. Let me know if you want another pic on a down day!
You aren’t responsible for his mental health or his anger.
You need to book the appointments and get there. You will feel so much better if you’re well.
I have had depression and anxiety. Doesn’t mean I’m mad and need sectioning!

plantlife Sun 29-Sep-19 22:40:43

Thank you so much. She's just so gorgeous! Loving kind eyes. Thank you for letting me see something good.

I really have to try to have an earlyish night. I suppose tomorrow's a bit scary. I'm scared the charity will report it now without my consent. It's so hard to think maybe he is a proper abuser. I can't help thinking it's more my old GP that is, at least recently. I also still can't help worrying its more anxiety than real danger. I'm scared of him but he genuinely is making efforts. He chose to stay in a hotel tonight rather than risk coming home drunk and angry. I'm sorry. It must be so frustrating me going round in circles. I'm making myself frustrated!

I'm going to try to forget it all now, have a bath, think about the beautiful wolfiepup, and get to bed.

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