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is this abuse?

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plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:05:37

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 08:52:11

OP, he is a proper abuser. A real life wife beating emotionally destructive abuser.

You really need to stop blaming everything on your old GP. He sounds like a twat, but the problems existed before him and they’re not any better now you’ve switched, are they?

Projecting your problems onto your old GP is not helping you. I’ve had some shit doctors, some proper sexist dismissive unsympathetic arsehole ones, I expect a lot of us have, but you have switched now, and it’s not your doctor who hits you or damaged your ear by screaming into it is it? Drop the old GP stuff. You’ll get nowhere if you don’t.

Twillow Mon 30-Sep-19 12:06:25

A rescue dog has saved the life of one of my children. I'm not kidding, the dog has completely turned her life around after a terrible time with depression and anxiety.

Today I want you to think about this. You have the potential end of a tenancy coming up. He keeps saying he doesn't know if you should be together or not. The circumstances are almost giving it to you on a plate - it's like a sign that you should take a refuge place! Otherwise, he might decide he doesn't want to live with you and you could end up with your homeless fear after all as it doesn't sound as if you are the best frame of mind to be house-hunting...this is how people end up on the streets you know, mental and physical illness, on sick leave or redundancy. Happens every day.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 12:56:39

I feel sick like it's a bad dream and I wish you were wrong but I know you're both right. I sometimes feel like I'm playing out a story in my head but it's real isn't it. This is the truth I think. I thought about it last time. It's a bit shameful I think and certainly pathetic. I think I'm deep down comfortable with being a victim. Being punished but also being looked after. I think maybe one of the things he might be referring to when he talked about having people to testify for him. This is going to sound troll like or disgusting. I'm sorry. I used to think I like spanking. A consensual thing. But actually it was never sexual for me. It actually was cathartic, I felt like I needed to be hurt. I'm sorry it's disgusting. I love my parents so much but they could be like him at times.

I just had s meltdown. I'm playing into his hands. One of the neighbours is off work. They always have a very loud TV. It's hard to think straight with it, but it's not her fault. Just bad conversion. I feel so horrible. I was shouting and crying. Maybe I should leave a note of apology. Anyway so that helps him, saying I'm mad.

I don't want police involved. Its to much for me. Just if he involved them to try to cause trouble, is it proof enough messages from him threatening to do something awful to the (male) neighbour?

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 13:02:43

Twillow, you're exactly right. This is what I'm terrified of, why I've stayed after he's been violent, why Ive begged him to stay, and he knows it. He sometimes says I'll be homeless without him.

It's so hard because it's terrifying taking steps to leave when dealing with so much else. I had planned to leave this last month but obviously it all went wrong.

It's frightening because he's done this lots, threatened to leave or end the tenancy, but all it seems he wants is the feeling that he's controlling who leaves and when. Once I've begged him he stays. I've suggested leaving a few times and he always doesn't want to when I suggest it.

So if I go to a refuge or risk going to a charity (and risk them calling the police), it could all be for nothing. I'd lose him and it's so hard and scary.

I need to try. He's back tonight. I'm dreading not knowing how to behave.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 13:09:44

I'll be ok in a refuge? I used to live in a bedsit years ago. I hated it, sharing the bathroom with strangers. I ended up using an empty bottle of water to pee in at night because I didn't want to go out in my pyjamas. I coped better though then because I was young, fit, healthy, active social life. Maybe it was more scary because it was mixed gender so men using the bathroom too?

It's also genuinely so very painful not being a mum. I feel so ashamed about it. Please don't be offended anyone else without children. I know it's nothing to be ashamed of at all. It's just it's what I wanted more than anything. Always. So I failed at that. It will be so hard bumping into children at the refuge. I'll feel so ashamed and not normal. I'm sorry, again, I don't think others without children aren't normal. I suppose it's just it's such a thing for me.

Sorry, rambling. Maybe I should set a target to call the charity back by the end of this week?

Id love to get through this and rescue a dog. It's so nice to hear how one of your children was helped by one. It must be hard seeing your child go through such a hard time, I'm so sorry.

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 14:30:17

OP, I've read your thread.
YOU are not the issue HE is!
He's been both physical in the past and also mentally abusive of you.
I have been in your EXACT situation. Poorly, scared, anxiety, stress, worry.
I was young and nieve at the time. He was older than me (I was 16 he was 21) he started off secluding me from my friends / family. Saying they didn't care, that's why they didn't message, they don't want me. My friends think I'm a 'clingy' person that's why they never invited me out. I was to stay with him, he would look after me, he wanted me, he loved me. He slowly started dripping information into my head. Nobody else would want me. Nobody else would put up with me, nobody would care about me if I wasn't there. Even made me call family (knowing they was at work and couldn't answer) and said "see they don't care" he done this over a few months, slowly slowly feeding me all that rubbish. Then the physical abuse came in. First it was a grab of my wrist (I made him do it because I never listened) then it was a smack (I needed to be taught a lesson because I wasn't listening) then it was strangling me (was all in my imagination this time)
We lived under his mums roof at the time. I mentioned it to her and she spoke to him. He told her I was depressed and 'dreamt' everything. The abuse then got worst.
I didn't meet him from work one day. I had GCSE coursework due in then went for a bath. He pushed me under the water with his hands round my throat. Just as I was struggling he dragged me out, pushed me down the stairs, kicked me in the ribs repeatedly. His mum came home early. Just as he was picking me up (not sure what his plans were next) he told her I was in the bath, had an asthma attack and fell down the stairs.
He then told me I pushed him to do this, that if I would have met him he wouldn't have got angry, that woman are suppose to do as their man says.
My teacher saw marks on my arms and asked me where I got them, I put a cardigan on and said I walked into a door. She said when you're ready to talk come and find me. A few months of strangling and being grabbed I found the courage to speak to her. She helped me find a number of a hostel (for homeless people) I rung them and they said they could home me (I had my own room and own bathroom just shared a kitchen but at certain times of the day nobody was in there) she helped me come up with a plan to leave.
I left at 3am. (he was asleep his family on holiday) I packed as much as I could in a bag and walked out of the door. Rung DM and she came straight away and kept me at hers till the morning when I went to the hostel.
My teacher then spoke to the head master, who rung the police and social services. I got threatening texts saying he would be sure to finish the job considering I was spreading rumours about which was in my head and I had made up and I had no 'proof' any of this happened. I blocked his number. Dropped the police charges.

I have been away from this man for 10 years now, and I honestly have not been happier. I wish I had left sooner! It was only after I left I realised what he had done, the manipulation, thinking it was my fault, things wasn't actually that bad I had made it up, he was supportive of me, he loved me, he cared about me. NONE of these things were true.
Nobody can love you and care about you truly if they can be violent (drunk or not) or emotionally abusive OP. They want to control you.
I understand exactly how you're feeling. I've been there.
Please, please leave OP. It'll only get worst, I promise you will not regret it!

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 14:51:53

You are not mad, you really aren’t. You clearly have a lot of unresolved issues from childhood trauma, but that is not your fault.Please don’t blame yourself for them. Nobody has helped you work through them and resolve them, and as a result you’ve found yourself in a horribly abusive situation as an adult. This really isn’t unusual, unfortunately. Lots of women have abusive childhoods where they are raised to feel worthless which then translates into adult relationships. If you could get out from under your partner’s influence you’d see just how common it is, and just how much he’s played on your insecurities to control you.

Look, sharing a bathroom is grim, I’ll give you that, I don’t like it either, but it won’t be for ever, and you wouldn’t be sharing with adult men.If you want to piss in a bottle during the night then go for it, I think I might do the same. You would have your own space though, where nobody could enter unless invited by you. Like I’ve said previously, after a bit of getting used to things you’ll enjoy having people around to talk to. Don’t forget, women in a refuge will have been in similar situations to you, so it’s not even like you’d be surrounded by people who don’t understand.

Re the kids thing: Lots of women can’t and don’t have kids, even though they would love to; lots of women have kids they don’t take care of and don’t really want; lots of women have kids who they love and cherish; and lots of women just don’t want kids. Honestly nobody is looking at you and wondering why you didn’t have kids. To be perfectly honest it’s a bloody good job you haven’t, considering the situation you’re in. An abusive relationship is no place to bring up a happy child, just ask mine. I’ve had to do a lot of work with my DS to undo all the emotional damage caused by his abusive father. And don’t tell me your partner would have been different if you’d had a child, because he wouldn’t have. Refuges are full of women who thought that, then found out otherwise. Kids don’t mend relationships, they actually put huge amounts of pressure on perfectly healthy ones, and not all survive.

Look though, all of these things are hypothetical, because at the moment you’re stuck there, with him. You’ll keep believing all the crap he’s feeding you until you get out and find out for yourself that he’s talking through his arse.

As for people testifying against you, like I said, you barely see another human, so they don’t even know you. A court of law is not going to have any time for some rando who rocks up with a totally true story that his mate down the pub told him, it’s just not going to happen. Can you imagine what a state society would be in if the justice system just said, ‘well John said Paul nicked that cash, because Dave down the pub told him he had a wallet full of tenners. so we thought we’d better bang him up for a bit.’ It’s just not gonna fly, is it. Some random you don’t know saying your mental because x said so will carry as much weight as that. The only opinion police, courts and medical professionals are interested in when it comes to matters of a person’s mental health is that of other professionals, not randoms whose mate told him his misus is a bit mad.

Incidentally, these people he reckons he’d get to testify against you, do you think they know he’s a wife beater? I bet you they don’t, and I doubt they’d be all too impressed if they knew. I also very much doubt that they’d consider the odd punch or kick here or there acceptable either. There’s a lot of arsehole men out there, but even amongst their number most wouldn’t condone or excuse that.

Please do take note of the next thing I’m going to say though, otherwise the game will be up and the whole thing will be dead in the water. Do not, and I repeat, do not, tell him that you’re thinking about leaving him, or that you’re seeking advice about leaving. You know yourself that every time his control slips, such as when you start to get well, or that you’d like him to leave, that he then feels threatened and tries to undermine you. Whenever he twigs that you might be gaining any independence whatsoever he ramps up the emotional stuff. You can’t afford to let him even have an in incling, otherwise any positive progress you make will be immediately undone by him, with interest. Come on here and rant, swear, cry, have a self pitying whinge, whatever you feel, we’ll all be here to listen, but for jesus fucking christ’s sake, don’t let on to him.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:01:14

Thank you everyone again for being so supportive. I feel so grateful you've taken time to write kind replies and bad that I seem to be ignoring your advice. Im trying to get sorted

Flavarings, I'm so glad you got away but so sorry you went through all that. I feel so ashamed because I'm older than you and still haven't left. You were so young to go through it and brave enough to get out. I'm so glad for you.

I really wasn't sure whether to mention this because I know it's going to look like a drip feed or make up. I promise it isn't but I know you don't have to believe me. Im only mentioning it now because I'm so not sure how much to say if I do the risk assessment. I will be honest but this incident happened 3 or 4 years ago and only once, never again. I did tell another charity once (anonymously) and they said it wasn't high risk as long time ago. Please reassure me that's true. I don't want police. It was the post above that made me think. It wasn't strangling. He just held me in a very tight chokehold with his arms. I couldn't move but could breathe. I had a sore throat for a few days after and talked like you do when you suck a balloon. But that's it. Nothing since then. I think he's genuinely sorry.

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 15:13:08

Hun, they're never truly sorry. They're only saying that to get you to stay so that they can do it again. They thrive from the control. Knowing you'll walk on egg shells and do everything. One foot out of line and poof again they turn.
He's done it once, nothing is stopping him doing it again. If he was truly sorry he would have got himself help to control his anger. He hasn't. He's manipulating you to stay, knowing you will. He's mentally abusing you to play down what he has done. Making you believe it didn't happen. And I get it, they do such a good job that you believe they're right and you question yourself.
OP he isn't sorry. He thrives from you being scared of him. X

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:15:15

Thank you Whatisthisfuckery. Thank you. It's helping me realise perhaps I do need to take the risk of a refuge, perhaps I'll cope. It's definitely good there won't be any men sharing a refuge bathroom so at least it's safe?

I'm so grateful I have here to vent and write. Thank you. You're right. I am actually really nervous about how to be around him. That's what's so frightening about the leaving, giving notice on flat thing. It's really difficult for me because if I act like I'm ok with that, say of course he has a right to leave, he won't actually be happy with that. He seems to want me to beg him to stay. It's hard because I can't win either way. I'll have to try to be really careful in how I behave around him. I suppose it is important I get back to the charity. I think I'm gaining confidence. Thank you all again. I'm sorry you've all had such awful experiences too. I did desperately want children and did beg him to try but there's been problems conceiving. And he doesn't want sex when I ask (as soon as I want it he doesn't, he only wants it if I don't or feel ill or something). I know I wouldn't want to bring kids up with him. I know what it's like to grow up with temper rages. So I know it's best even if painful we didn't have any.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:17:56

Thank you, Flavarings. It's so hard but I know you're right. Thanks for helping me try to realise that. He's due home in a few hours. I'm going to eat and try to relax for now.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 15:18:51

It might not be immediately relevant, but it’s all information supporting you story. Strangulation is actually a massive indicator of future lethality. I’m not saying that he’ll kill you, but strangulation is a huge warning sign that he may have the potential.

OP, how can you feel that any of this is alright? My heart breaks for you, none of this is alright. Even if you were the biggest bitch on earth, which I doun’t for a second think you are, I wouoldn’t think it was alright. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, because anyone who could subject another person to that treatment would be just as bad or worse.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 15:19:14

Sorry, typing too quick.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:22:09

Sorry just one more thing for now. He's actually got a friend who was in prison for doing something to a woman. He won't tell me what. Apparently breaching a restraining order. The group still hang out together. I'm actually glad though because I know you think I'm mad but at least if I left and he actually didn't really want me to leave, he won't be alone. He's got his friends.

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 15:24:00

If you ever need a chat OP, just PM me. I'm more than happy to have a chat! I work in a veterinary practice so could tell you all about the cute animals I've seen in a day, or even to moan about this 'lovely British weather' You're stronger than you think you are, honestly I didn't want to leave. Thought nobody would want me, I loved him, I wanted a cuddle everything you are feeling. I've met DP (been together 6 years now) and have 2 beautiful children.
Get your things together in secret, spare cash, birth certificate, I'd, letters etc. Make sure you hide them. (easier said than done I know) as a PP do not say you plan to leave. Don't even let on. Try stay as normal as possible. It'll only fuel his fire, he will think he's losing the control, he will up the abuse to make you scared and stay with him. It's a viscous merry go round. It'll be worth it when your free!

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 15:30:47

I can't even explain to myself. I know it's not right to do that to someone. I don't like the person I'm become though. Like shouting on the meltdown this morning. Though I wasn't saying anything violent. I suppose I didn't leave or do anything because of lots of reasons. Obviously my homeless fear but I still had money and was working part-time at that stage. So maybe because I still care so much about him, I love being with someone, I felt ashamed and confused. I don't think he'll kill me. He's said he definitely won't do prison for me. Especially think he won't after that time recently when I told him to go ahead. If he thinks I want it, he won't. I stupidly told him I preferred him hitting me to being homeless.

I think I can do this. If people in the refuge are like all of you, it's not so bad. You've all been so understanding.

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 15:40:19

Do you think murderers say they would do time? They wouldn't. All of these men say this so that they can manipulate you again. He's had you in a choke hold. That could have killed you, whether he wants to admit that or not he could. If you say "go ahead" he will think you're asking for it will tell you that too. Say you asked him to do it. They push you into a corner, twist things. Make you believe it's your fault. It never is. OP, he's been violent before, all it takes is one split second, one pick up of a heavy / sharp item and it's game over.
People in the refuge are going through what you're going through. They're in the same boat. They know how you're feeling n

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 17:00:34

Thank you so much again for being so supportive. I feel bad that I haven't moved forwards yet. He's back this evening. I'm nervous about how to behave around him. I did get the confidence to leave but lost it after the doctor stuff. Hopefully I'll get it back soon now it's sort of sorted. Thank you so much, Flavarings. It's weird but I think I've forgotten how to chat normally. I'm so pathetic, I'd find it hard to work at a vets. I'd be too upset when the animals were ill, but it's so good people do work there to help lots of them get better. Thank you all again.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 30-Sep-19 17:44:44

OP, believe it or not, there’s a marked difference in the way you write even during the duration of this thread. You are making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Please come back when it’s safe and talk to us. We’re all here and thinking about you.

Remember that app, Hollie Guard. If he’s not back yet then download it, then when he starts you can capture it as evidence.

Please stay safe, and stay strong. Keep in touch and keep making those baby steps. You might not be ready to leave today, but one day you will. Just try to keep clearing your mind, and do re-read this thread, to remind you for when the fog descends again.

Many of us have been through similar, there is life on the other side. Don’t forget, we’re here for you. Stay safe. XX

Twillow Mon 30-Sep-19 18:01:34

So many people on here on your side. I am dreading him coming back tonight, having been in that half-happy lull when an abusive partner is away. I do understand.
No-one has accused you of drip-feeding, it's perfectly understandable to want to block things out. The strangulation (a choke-hold is that, even if he generously controlled the pressure enough to allow you to breathe) is such a dangerous sign. You 'only' could barely talk for a few days? This is how the game goes. He tells you 'you made him do it'. you tell yourself 'it's not that bad'.
Come on, Plantlife. This is no life at all even for a plant!!
Remember what I said before, abuse is not that stereotype of a black eye. It's much much more common that the abuse is aimed where it's less visible.

Now, why are you making a target to call the charity by the end of the week. It's only Monday - aim to do it the very next time you are alone please....

Flavarings Mon 30-Sep-19 18:01:54

We're all here for a chat OP, whenever you need it just post. Stay safe! Let us know how you're getting on if it's safe to do so. Remember your not alone, many many women are out there in your situation. Baby steps are all it takes, you'll get there. But for now look after yourself. Xx

Wolfiefan Mon 30-Sep-19 18:05:09

You’re not pathetic and you’re chatting just fine to us! Hope things are ok tonight.
I volunteer at a shelter. Cat cuddling and dog walking. That’s lovely.

Twillow Mon 30-Sep-19 18:09:20

No-one is going to call the police on him, least of all a DA charity. Please don't worry about this. Why don't you ring them and and ask them to confirm this for you as your first question?

cakeandchampagne Mon 30-Sep-19 18:47:30

Thinking of you this evening.

plantlife Mon 30-Sep-19 20:57:11

Thank you so much again. You're all being so kind. I don't feel like I deserve it, feel a bit of a fraud. The incidents are isolated, not like frequent. There were no marks left with the choke thing. He's being really really nice. He's in the bath. I feel so guilty. I know it can't go on like this forever. I will do some thinking, try to get my head straight. I will re-read this thread, it's good advice, I think it helps me maybe think about it all. Thank you again.

Wolfiefan Mon 30-Sep-19 21:30:46

You don’t deserve any “incidents”
Nobody should put their hands round your throat. Marks or not.
Don’t feel guilty.
Abusers switch on the nice to ensure they maintain control.
Make sure he doesn’t find this.

plantlife Tue 01-Oct-19 16:03:07

I sound so pathetic. I was rereading the thread and the person being described doesn't seem it's me. I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm still normal inside maybe. But today I'm in this sort of slump. I've had this before. Not depressed I don't think, more like calm and accepting of how it is. I know that sounds bad after what I've written but that's just the very worse incidents. Over years. I feel so tired today but not in a depressed way. I just feel like curling up with a blanket and resting. Like really lazy. I'm not exactly doing anyway. Just sitting on the sofa all day. Disgusting really.

I feel massively guilty now he's being so nice. But I can't help worrying about trying to get better now. I think it could be paranoia but I think inside I'm worried if I seem better even mentally happier he may start up again. He's making such an effort, wants to be there for me, doing so much for me. I know I'm frustrating you all now. I'm sorry.

Wolfiefan Tue 01-Oct-19 16:05:01

Not disgusting. I’m having a restful day too. Sometimes your mind and body needs that.
You’re not frustrating anyone. You need to do what’s right for you. The best thing would be to be healthy, happy and loved.

plantlife Tue 01-Oct-19 16:16:36

I forgot to say before. I saw your post about volunteering in an animal shelter, Wolfiefan. That sounds so lovely. I've really love to do that. I want to remember that and try to be able to do it in the future if things change, if I make things change.

I know I'm not meant to mention the old GP again. I'm do sorry. You've all been so good to me and I'm doing my best to annoy you. It's just I was reading again advice on leaving abuse yesterday. All the advice is always try to make a leaving plan and to see your GP for support. I really did finally have a proper plan. In the past I've loosely had vague ideas but this was a proper plan. He was away a lot the past months. S really good chance. The GP not only didn't give me support but stopped me leaving. They basically took away the equivalent of my wheelchair. I can't get out of my head the last phone call. I was begging the receptionist to let me speak to the GP. The letter they sent after I made a complaint. Telling me I'd made nuisance calls and ignored medical advice (they refused to give me my notes to day what advice this was, because there wasn't any), and telling me off for going over the 10 miniyylimit twice. Both times when I was so upset and scared and calling after they'd abruptly stopped medication without even telling me. Medication they shouldn't have stopped if they've listened to me and read my notes.

There's more. Stuff they did that's wrong. Probably wrong. They tried to cover it up by using mental health against me. This is a big reason I'm scared he'll succeed if he tries to say everything is me. I think old GP will back him to cover up their mess. I know they've been reported for other patients (not same situation as me but behaving badly) so maybe that helps me, still so hard.

The past month or so I really felt so much like I needed to turn to a doctor for support but had none. I wasn't even able to contact the doctor. Letters, emails, and calls were ignored - this was including official complaint and data protection act request for my notes.

I'm sorry. I'll let it go now. I've made a formal complaint, reported it, and vented here. I know it's in the part. It's just it stopped my plans, knocked my confidence. I feel like I've been running a non stop marathon and today it's like it's all finished and I'm exhausted.

Massive self pity rant. Sorry. Hopefully it's out of me now.

plantlife Tue 01-Oct-19 16:21:47

I've just read through my last post. Sent before I saw your kind reply. What a load of self indulgent self pity? Sorry. I think that's it. I've finally had the final moan about what they did. I've finally realised what you've all been saying. It was bad but can't be changed.

I'll look forwards from now. Thank you for not being angry about my rants.

I hope you're enjoying your lazy day, Wolfiefan. With lovely Wolfiepup?

I suppose I've had a setback and think I'm not ready to leave just yet again. But I'll keep thinking about things and maybe it's best to keep trying to plan something in case he gets bad again. I hate to think it and do feel so guilty but I think he might get bad again if I even start chatting Inna more happy way.

I suppose plans can be postponed but still started again.

Wolfiefan Tue 01-Oct-19 16:22:21

Sometimes it’s good to get it all out and not stew and keep things inside. Then think about the future you want. Don’t let anyone stop you getting there.

plantlife Tue 01-Oct-19 16:29:05

Thank you. Really, thank you for not being angry and understanding. I feel silly now. He's right about me whining! I feel better now. It's a release. I've let it all go. I think that was the final moan about them.

I promise, really promise, if I post again it won't be so long, rambled, or whiny. I'd like to post a positive update.

Wolfiefan Tue 01-Oct-19 16:32:43

Why would I be angry that you want to say how you feel or what you think? He’s really done a number on you OP. You are allowed to have thoughts and feelings and wishes and dreams. Nobody gets to stop that. flowers

Mumpower123 Tue 01-Oct-19 16:43:13

I know you love him and your properly feeling a right mixed bag of emotions. I've been there. You end up feeling reliant on your partner. Makes you easier to control. What will be your last straw? Mine was teeth knocked out, stabbed in the leg, bruises and lumps all over my head , back , arms , ribs and severe bruising on my hands coming through to both sides from trying to defend my self. Being kept locked in a room all night. This all happened in one night over a toothbrush. Ridiculous! He got 5 years in prison. I stood up in court and swore he would never put his hands on me ever again!!!!! It started with a slap when we had only been together a few months. Followed by chocolates and sorrys. They don't change! It gets worse and worse! What has to happen to you before you leave! You can do it! Be brave!

plantlife Tue 01-Oct-19 17:25:30

I think I need to start by getting outside? I've massively lost my confidence being unable to go out. The medication takes time to work but hopefully soon.

I can't remember going outdoors! I think it's messing my head up. I think I know he won't want me better. Even mentally. I have a feeling I have to stay miserable. I can't explain the emotional stuff when it starts but I'm scared I won't be able to get better and leave now he's back. I just have to be really careful and not let him know if I get better?

Mumpower123, You sound so brave. I really don't think I could even cope with police again. You went to court. That must be beyond hard. I'm so sorry what happened to you. Really sorry you went through that.

I'm hoping to take strength from all your stories, all of you who got away. I should try too. I know I should.

Thank you again for not being angry about me writing here. I feel better getting it out and definitely understand if no-one replies. Just helps posting.

plantlife Tue 01-Oct-19 17:57:35

I've got to be really quick but you're all right. I really do need to start getting my plan together again. He's back and already stopped trying to be nice. It's freaking me out, it's not the really obvious easy to explain being horrible. It's the sort of attitude, the way he's talking, what he's saying, dropping little comments in, that would make me sound massively mad and paranoid if I tried explain to someone. But I know it's him back to knowing he's in control and can be angry with me or take things out on me. He knows I can't just walk out. Literally. I feel so trapped right now. I have to stop wallowing. I'm getting better, slowly. I'll start planning a new plan. I'd better go now before he gets out the shower.

Wolfiefan Tue 01-Oct-19 18:11:18

You don’t sound mad and paranoid at all. Take care.

Twillow Tue 01-Oct-19 20:51:41

Hurrah dear Plantlife. I think I am reading some excellent signs of awareness here. You've spotted how short-lived his 'niceness' is. You've realised he doesn't want you to get better. You know that you feel scared and trapped.
This is good, because it's more baby steps to being brave enough to appreciate that this is no life for anyone and YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!

Flavarings Tue 01-Oct-19 21:02:17

Well done Plantlife! You're starting to slowly get things together. Remember baby steps. You'll get there! We're always here. X

Twillow Tue 01-Oct-19 22:04:27

You're absolutely right about not letting him know you're getting better.
Do please keep safe, hold your nerve and don't be tempted to say anything about your plans, progress or enlightenment. Play dumb- watch and listen and learn how he is manipulating you.

cakeandchampagne Tue 01-Oct-19 22:17:05

It is very clear that many posters here have been to hell & back- and truly understand your situation.
We all want you to be safe.
And you will never be safe with him.

When will he be leaving again?

Whatisthisfuckery Tue 01-Oct-19 22:52:52

OP, try to keep you head above the fog. When it starts to descend again come on here, post, read through the thread. You’ve made so much progress, just since your first post.

Don’t get too down if there are setbacks. There will be setbacks, but every little bit of awakening is a small step closer to the day you finally open your eyes enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep thinking, being aware, trying to think critically about his behaviour. Once you see it you can’t unsee it, and there will come a time when you finally make the mental break.

You probably won’t leave him tomorrow, you probably won’t leave him next week, but if you keep stretching your head out and trying to smell clear air you’ll find it.

You’re at the start of a difficult journey, but many of us have made it before you and you will do the same.

Keep your wits about you and stay safe. Remember that app I told you about. Keep your powder dry, he doesn’t credit you with enough strength to leave him but he’s wrong, you just need to keep on pushing forward and the chance will come.

I’m glad you’ve posted today. I was worried that you wouldn’t be able to as he’s home. Do be careful.

plantlife Tue 01-Oct-19 23:45:08

Thank you. It feels weird posting now he's back. He's up early for work so he's asleep. I feel so guilty. I'm sorry. I feel again like I'm betraying him by posting here. I'm also really so sorry for not moving forwards. You've all given up so much of your time and been so understanding and patient, and been through horrible things yourself. Please don't feel obliged to keep replying. I really do understand. It still helps just posting. I don't want to let you all down. I posted before online, got wonderful support but lost my nerve. I don't think I was really ready then though.

I don't know when he's next away. That's why the doctor stuff messed it up. it was a one off chance, him being away so much. He's at work during the day. Its hard because he'll know immediately if I go, he'll notice essentials missing. I suppose it won't matter though.

Thank you for the advice. I have to just face the setbacks don't I. It took me over a year to get to where I was just before the doctor stuff. I'd made major progress with my health. I can do it again?

plantlife Tue 01-Oct-19 23:54:59

Thank you again for telling me about the app.

plantlife Wed 02-Oct-19 00:15:38

Is this the fog? Or it could be because I've been physically cut off from real world for a bit.

I look through the thread and keep feeling like it's not real or it's not me. Like I'm reading a story. I feel like I'm living a daydream. Maybe I'm tired.

cakeandchampagne Wed 02-Oct-19 01:02:17

Have you been eating well?

Wolfiefan Wed 02-Oct-19 06:46:41

Of course you can do it again.

Whatisthisfuckery Wed 02-Oct-19 09:24:58

Put the radio on if you can’t go out. Put your local station on. The talking will keep you company and it’ll give you a window into the outside world.At the moment you’re trapped and you’ve forgotten what you’re missing. A little thing like listening to the radio will do you the world of good. Having the telly on is good, but it’s not the same as the radio, which is real people in real time.

You have made progress, you really have. Comparing your later posts on this threads to the ones at the start there’s a marked difference. you’ve slipped back a bit in your last post but that’s understandable.

Yes some of us have made the journey but it took us all a lot to even reach the starting line. you’re not as unusual as you think you are, I assure you of that.

While he’s out you can do things, make your phone calls, find all your paperwork etc. He’s not expecting you to be doing anything useful so you have that on your side. Just be careful not to let on. You can get a head start on him if you’re clever about the way you do things. Trust me you can be clever when you need to, so don’t worry about that.

None of us feel obliged to read and respond. I do what I like, I don’t have anyone to tell me what to do, and I choose to do so, and everyone else here chooses to do so as well.

Just keep safe, and be careful. I always check in to see how you are so keep in touch if and when you can.

plantlife Wed 02-Oct-19 15:05:34

Thank you. Thank you for the advice and all the support. I don't want to let any of you down. I need to snap of of this slump. I got like this before, in January/February, and got myself together so hopefully I can do it again. I felt so lost and devastated after the doctor stuff but I know feeling sorry for myself is not helping.

I think maybe I feel a bit more frozen when he's around but I really will try to start taking action again. My paperwork, etc is a big mess. I'll try to start tidying it together.

I suppose I'd hoped when I started this thread to be told it was wrong what happened but in the past. So I didn't think about going on this long. The 30 days is nearly up. I don't know what to do. I've found this such a source of comfort, a place to vent and express fears and everything. I felt safe it being only 30 days but I don't think he'll think of Mumsnet. I could get it moved or just let it end and post a new thread if I need to?

plantlife Wed 02-Oct-19 15:08:43

Cakeandchampagne, I'm a bit of a mess I suppose. I'm eating but bit messed up. Like my sleeping. Going to bed really late and sleeping late. I was eating healthy but past few weeks I wasn't eating much and lots of unhealthy food. I need to get back on track. I know I need to be healthy and well to be able to deal with it all.

Wolfiefan Wed 02-Oct-19 16:23:26

One thing at a time though. Make one switch today.

Twillow Thu 03-Oct-19 09:41:19

Morning lovely.
Your poor messed up mind will definitely try to make you think you're not worth looking after and being healthy - fight it! Do some reading up on self-sabotage.

The guilt is normal - it's because you're a nice person! (I was terrified my ex would commit suicide as he'd threatened so many times...guess what, he's still around many years later. That threat was just to make ME feel bad.)

Spend this time while you're unsure of the next step to get your paperwork in order. I will message you what I did with mine!

I will miss checking in on your amazing journey every day so I hope you do start another thread now this one feels safer for you on here. You could just post a title Hello Again and us regulars would spot you!

plantlife Thu 03-Oct-19 15:24:34

I really hope this makes sense. I feel frozen mentally, like I can't explain it express anything. I can be normal(ish) if I prefend (to myself?) it's all alright, everything's ok. I could probably log on here on MN under a different name or account and chat normally on other threads, perhaps even give advice to people. Is this normal?

Anyhow. I feel like I'm sounding insincere when I thank you or reply. I truly truly hope you know I genuinely am being grateful. The support and kindness and understanding has actually overwhelmed me.

I genuinely was finally (I think) ready to leave. It had taken a long time and reaching out in the past hadn't led to me leaving. But I really had it planned. I felt so lost and alone after places of support when wrong.

So this thread, you all, my expressing it all, it's helped much. I know it doesn't seemike it. I've realised I'm not ready yet - again - to leave. But I need to be. It's already going weird with him again.

Today's s bad day for him. I think he's going to be funny later. Hopefully not too bad as long as he doesn't drink. I think the emotional stuff but I'll have to be on guard. I'm.on edge but it's actually encouraged me to get on with trying to regain strength.

plantlife Thu 03-Oct-19 15:30:57

I don't want to push it here. You've all been so understanding and patient. I don't want to make anyone angry. I know I shouldn't take up too much MN space.

This thread feels like my source of comfort. It's helping to write about it, but also just that I'm physically so cut off from the world right now, it feels like my anchor in the real world. It's also been like my safe space.

I guess if you don't mind I could start another when the 30 days is up. Do you think it might annoy other people? They might feel I've had enough space in 30 days? I could get it moved,maybe to relationships, but I'd feel like I was butting in on.other people's space and also this (30 days) now feels like my safe space.

I thought I'd either be told it was not so bad as in the past or I'd have left now.

plantlife Thu 03-Oct-19 16:27:49

Sorry, just a quick worry ramble. Right this minute I'd leave tomorrow if I could drive and had somewhere to go. Today too late before he's back. After so many false starts I know I'll waver again but right now I feel ready. I'm massively on edge. He's been off with me, funny mood in his messages, all day. But I couldn't help reading another thread on MN and also I'm on the mailing list for a homeless charity (I sign petitions, etc). 2 people a day dying homeless.

So it's best I have a safe place to go before leaving? I'm so terrified of being homeless. I know it's more than that. I do have the fog I know realise. Also scared of being alone. I remember being so lonely at times when Iived in a bedsit. I was ok in a flat because you can do more there, bake, cook, potter about, soak in a bath. But a bedsit was very claustrophobic and lonely. I was a student but had taken time off so my friends had moved on. Working, moved away from where I lived, settling down. But at least I was healthy. I could go out, I went to library and coffee shops. Now I'll be unwell and stuck in a lot.

I suppose once I recover (and it will be easier away from.him?) I can join groups or classes or volunteer? I'd love to do what Wolfiefan does and volunteer at an animal shelter. But people are settled at my age, busy with families. Will I make friends?

Anyhow. Sorry. I must stop rambling. Just so on edge. He's being off with me. Sometimes he'll be nice once home from work, so I just on edge during the day but often he'll be like this all evening until I say or do something that makes him explode. Sometimes something really silly, like I can't explain. I can't wait for him to go to bed already!

Whatisthisfuckery Thu 03-Oct-19 18:58:14

Oh OP, darling, you’re not taking up all the internet. Jesus, some of the shit posted on mumsnet is unreal. If it helps, post, please post. Post again in here, so we can find you.

I understand about the pretending things are normal thing. It’s a coping mechanism, so we can get through the day without feeling utterly desperate. Ironically it’s when you can no longer paste on the mask that you can finally get things moving. As long as you can play the game you can survive, but when you no longer can then the survival instinct kicks in. That survival instinct is stronger than you can imagine. Every woman who has escaped an abusive relationship has been carried through on that instinct.

Stop berating yourself. None of us could act until we were ready. You might not be ready yet but you’re on the way. Remember, once you see what he’s like, you can’t unsee it. Don’t be frightened, you will dredge up strength you never thought possible when the time comes.

I echo my previous posts, and all the words of all the others, stay strong, keep your mind as clear as you can and be careful.

Please don’t stop posting. Even though this is the internet and we don’t know you, believe it or not we actually really care about you, and what happens to you.

Twillow Thu 03-Oct-19 19:12:38

Whatisthisfuckery you have taken the very words out of my mouth, I second all that you just said.

cakeandchampagne Thu 03-Oct-19 19:41:13

@plantlife , you are very kind! You will make friends everywhere you go!

And you will be a gentle & encouraging shelter volunteer who can get the most nervous dogs to feel safe enough to start eating, playing, and snuggling.

Wolfiefan Thu 03-Oct-19 20:01:10

Whatisthisfuckery is completely and utterly right. You aren’t taking up anything that you don’t more than deserve. I think any animal charity would be so lucky to have you. And people who truly love and care about animals do tend to really like people who feel the same. Please stay in touch. You’re sounding so much clearer and like you’re moving forward.

Kittykat93 Thu 03-Oct-19 21:07:19

Op I've just read this thread and my heart is breaking for you. You've had some amazing advice from these lovely posters on here so nothing I can really add. Just wanted to be another person here supporting you and showing that people care about you. You deserve a safe and happy life. I hope you can find the courage to escape and give yourself that chance.

plantlife Thu 03-Oct-19 21:26:31

Thank you all so much. I really genuinely feel overwhelmed with how nice you've all been. I really want to try to be finally strong and do this. Your support and ideas about animal shelters has given me something lovely to try for. This thread has helped so much thank you. I feel a bit weird about it ending. I know I can start a new one (thank you for understanding) but I sort of feel like once it's gone, my link to niceness and the real world is gone. But then I feel like the relationships section is too big for me. I think maybe I should print out or screenshot it all at least. I think it may help me explain things if I need to. Thank you all so much again. He's in bed but still awake so I'd better not post too much now. I suppose tomorrow might be the last chance for me to write on this thread if I don't get it moved because he'll be around most of the weekend. Thank you all.

Wolfiefan Thu 03-Oct-19 21:27:49

We will be here if you need it. There’s always OTBT. Not sure they can move this?

plantlife Thu 03-Oct-19 23:50:17

Thank you so much again. I don't know if the thread can be moved but I get scared thinking about it being in a bigger place anyway. I think I'm ok with just starting a new one if I need to and that's ok. I thought I sort of felt like I needed or wanted to keep this one, even with no more posts but I've screenshot it all now. So if I struggle to explain things properly to support places (if I get the confidence to do it again) or just need to remind myself of how it's been with him in the past.

I often feel like I'm exaggerating or making it up. Then I feel bad because it makes me feel like I'm betraying him even more. I know this doesn't make sense.

Actually thinking about it, I think it's me I need to reread it for. I think what you said, Whatisthisfuckery, is right. I think I block things out. But I've done that for years since childhood. Is it possible to change? I hope things work out ok. I feel like I'm tempting fate writing about him especially as he's being nice.

Sorry, this is so rambled. As I was writing I've realised I'm ready to move on from this thread. I feel comfortable in 30 days so I'll start a new one. I really hope that's ok. I'd like to try to start my new plan so I don't let you down after all your time and support. I really am so grateful to you all for everything.

Sweetpeach3 Fri 04-Oct-19 00:00:03

Iv just been in your shoes. It's abuse !!!!
Get the hell out whilst you can
Mine started with this then wasn't long until I ended with a broken nose twice, broken ribs an constant bruises an kicks an punches to my body. They only get worse knowing you've accepted their first bit of abuse so they know they'll get away with it. Your not been sensitive just get out !!! I'm in the safe 2 speak profane now. Try something like this

Wolfiefan Fri 04-Oct-19 06:57:01

You don’t need to do anything for us. You need to do what needs to happen for YOU! It’s a classic technique of abusers to make you feel that it’s not that bad and you must be mad to think of leaving. It’s in their interest to do that. They act nice. They vary what they do and make you think it’s your fault. It’s classic.

plantlife Fri 04-Oct-19 14:53:13

I'm so sorry what you went through, Sweetpeach3. I'm so glad you've left and really hope the programme helps. I really am sorry, it sounds so awful your experience.

I want to do the freedom programme. I know there's an online version but think I need to see real people (who aren't him) so I'm waiting until I can get outside. I used to think I didn't need it but maybe it will help. I feel so bad with all of you telling me about your awful experiences, and you're doing that, taking your time to tell me, to try to help. So I feel do want to try to sort everything out so you haven't all wasted your time.

I'm still so frightened of being homeless though. Because he knows this, I think he won't be violent again, or at least I think he'll do his best not to be though obviously if he's drunk and angry that's the risky time, but as long as I'm very careful I think it should be ok. I've sorted paperwork at least so it's s start. I'm just desperate to make sure there's somewhere safe to go if I went. I really don't want to come across as ungrateful or ignoring good advice, just I can't help feeling I have to balance risks - and although it's not nice what occasionally happens with him, it's maybe safer than homelessness. I won't give up though and hopefully my head will be clearer once I'm finally well enough to go outdoors.

I was thinking. I know most men are not abusers but I can't help noticing other threads sometimes, and just the fact that refuges get full so quickly. Why are there so many abusers? It freaks me out there's so many.

plantlife Fri 04-Oct-19 15:04:40

Someone suggested early on the thread I think, that I could email the thread to women's aid or a local domestic abuse charity. I'm thinking if I get myself, my mind prepared to leave again (if I need to) then maybe that's the best idea. I know I ramble here but I struggle really badly when trying to speak and explain on the phone. If I don't get it moved, I guess they'd be ok with reading through screenshots? Would any of you mind if I included your responses? I absolutely completely understand if not, I would like to include some because some of you have explained how things have been much better than I was able to (even to myself). Please don't feel obliged at all. I completely understand if it's not ok. I'm sure they will understand enough from my own posts.

The other option I was thinking was getting it moved to Relationships but not posting anything new. Just do if things were really bad and I felt I needed to refer to it or refer someone else(the charity) to it. Any new posts I could do here.

Sorry I know I'm rambling and overthinking. I need to move forward and not just keep posting. I started this when I really had been hyped up to change, to leave. I'm not ready again but maybe will be again at some point not too long away. Maybe letting go of this thread is a start? There more risk he'll find out about me writing here if it's in a bigger section.

Sorry, I'm rambling again. Once it's the weekend, he'll be around mostly (he may go out for a bit) and also the 30 days is up tomorrow or Sunday I think.

Wolfiefan Fri 04-Oct-19 15:25:31

Please don’t worry about showing my responses to someone else. Not at all. With regards to the thread and moving it or posting more? That’s totally up to you. Whatever you feel would help you more.

plantlife Fri 04-Oct-19 16:24:31

Thank you so much. He's drinking tonight so bit nervous but I'll stay out of his way so should hopefully be ok. I think I'm beginning to get confidence back. Medication slowly working. I might have attempted going outdoors today but I know I'll need to rest a lot after and don't want to risk it when he's back drunk. I'll aim for Monday. I think it's positive start though, just the fact that I feel I can start to do things again. I going to try very hard to ignore my fears of the worse case like homelessness and work on thinking about positive possibilities. Thank you all so much again. I wish I could send you all real flowers or chocolates because you've helped me so much. You really have helped me through when my plans fell apart and I felt so lost and defeated and alone. I feel there's a little bit of hope now.

Wolfiefan Fri 04-Oct-19 16:48:19

Honestly? I would much rather read you’re feeling a bit better and have hope than all the flowers and chocolates in the world. X

cakeandchampagne Fri 04-Oct-19 16:56:05

Handle the thread whatever way works best for you.
Use the posts in any way that helps you.
Everyone here sincerely cares about you.

Whatisthisfuckery Fri 04-Oct-19 17:05:32

I think you should start another thread. Not because you’re going to leave tomorrow, we know you’re not ready to do that, and we know you can’t do it till your’e ready, but just to keep in touch for support. It’s so easy just to let things slip away and find yourself right back at square one. Remember how much guts it took you to make this thread? Well you’ve done it now, but if you go away again then the next time you want to reach out you’ll have to pluck up all that courage again, plus a load more worry and guilt because you’re still stuck in the same place because you didn’t do anything the last time.

Please download the Hollie Guard app. If he starts you can get proof, and when you have that he can never pull his tricks with the police or medical staff again. FWIW I don’t think it’s that they didn’t believe you, I think they were just trying to deascalate the situation and get you into a place of safety so they could help you. Sometimes people have to be a bit cute about their intentions in order to keep things as calm as possible. When you’re faced with a frightened woman who might be injured and a potential violent abuser it’s not always wise to be obvious about things.I think they were trying to get you out, but of course they can’t force you to go, and while you wouldn’t tell them what happened they couldn’t do anything to help.

I want you to try something for me. Download that app. It’s designed precisely for situations like yours. If you look on the web site you’ll see why it was made, and by who.

If he starts, and things get nasty, you need to get some help, and you need to make sure you can get into a safe place so you jcjan be honest. We’ve been banging on for the last month about the fact that there really is help out there, and we’re telling you the truth. You won’t be left homeless I promise. Victims of domestic abuse have to be housed, it’s the law, but nobody can act on that law if you never tell them what’s happening to you.

Anyway, like I always say, stay safe and be careful. Please do download the app. make another thread on this board so we can find you and keep getting some support. Having support is key, and while strangers on the internet doesn’t make any material help, it’ll be the thing that helps you find it when you’re ready.

Whatisthisfuckery Fri 04-Oct-19 17:09:19

Oh, and there’s another piece of information I keep meaning to tell you, if you don’t already know.

If you’re ever scared for your safety and want to call 999 but you can’t speak, the call operators will send someone out to you but you have to type 55 into the keypad of your phone. If you leave the call silent they’ll disconeest but if you’re silent and type 55 they’l send help.

Just thought I’d let you know that. I didn’t know that until recently and I don’t think many people do, but it’s useful for you to remember and it might just save your life one day.

Whatisthisfuckery Fri 04-Oct-19 17:09:53

Sorry, rushing so typing really fast and making mistakes.

Twillow Fri 04-Oct-19 19:15:10

Is all the stuff you have on your phone, screenshots etc, secure? Does he know your password or ever ask to look at your phone?

plantlife Fri 04-Oct-19 21:43:12

Thank you again for being so nice.

He's in bed but not asleep yet. I feel so guilty again. He was being really nice. But I think I still need to try to work out a new plan because I'm still so on edge.

I think what you say is right, Whatisthisfuckery. I need to start a new thread. I feel a bit panicked about this thread going. But I think I'm too scared of him finding out if it was somewhere more looked at like relationships. I'm probably being paranoid but I don't think I'd relax.

I will start a new thread then if that's ok. I think, apart from all the lovely support you've given me, it is my sort of link to the outside real world, and it reminds me that things aren't ok. It would be really easy for me to just slip back into old patterns, just accepting how it is. It took me a year to get ready to make a plan. I gave up last summer after a bad experience trying to get help. Then I got confidence back, then the doctor stuff happened. I think I was ready to give up again. But now you've all helped me think it could be ok if I left.

plantlife Fri 04-Oct-19 21:52:54

Twillow, he doesn't make me show him the phone so that's a good thing about him. I don't think he has the password but maybe I should change it just in case.

He pays the broadband bill. I don't think he can track websites I've visited though? I use the private browsing.

I should save the screenshots, photos, etc somewhere else though. I think it backs up to Google drive. Maybe I'll email everything to myself? I have a private email address just for me that he doesn't know.

Anyway, thank you all again so much. I feel a bit more confident.

Wolfiefan Fri 04-Oct-19 22:00:22

You’re really sounding it. I’m so glad. flowers

plantlife Fri 04-Oct-19 22:03:43

Whatisthisfuckery, thank you so much again for the app advice. I tried to register but I think I did my password wrong. I'm going to uninstall then reinstall to try again. It's so sad, I saw why it came about. It's so so horrible. I wish it hadn't happened.

I feel bad to turn down help offered especially after reading that. I must try to get myself sorted. Thank you again. I think for so long I panicked because of where I live. I am so frightened of being homeless. As this thread is going in a day, I'll say where I am. I'm from London and housing obviously is so bad here. I don't want to stay here but panicked nowhere else would want me because of not being from there. I think maybe it's partly an excuse to myself. Maybe Im also just scared of leaving full-stop but it doesn't help. I think next time I'm ready, I just take the rest so and get a train to wherever the refuge is. I wish so much I could get out of this myself though.

Wolfiefan Fri 04-Oct-19 22:04:34

Everyone needs help and support sometimes. It’s a sign of strength to accept this and seek it out.

plantlife Fri 04-Oct-19 22:10:50

Thank you again, Wolfiefan. I can't thank you all enough. You've been so so kind to me. I felt so alone but posting here and the kindness and understanding has really given me some confidence back. Thank you.

plantlife Sat 05-Oct-19 00:24:00

I've had a last minute panic about this thread disappearing. It's been so helpful for me. I think in the past whenever Ive got to the stage of thinking I need to leave, when it goes wrong or I lose my nerve, it's so easy to let myself give up. This thread I think helping me not do that. I've just asked MNHQ to move it to Other Subjects (I'm still worried Relationships is too big and risky).

I know it may not be possible. I'm sure I'll manage if it isn't, but I suppose there's no harm asking. I'll start a new thread here if I need to. I actually don't know if I'd keep posting on this even if it's moved. I think it just helps knowing it's there. Especially if I struggle again if I need to ask for help with support places.

Thank you all so much again.

Itallt0omuch Sat 05-Oct-19 09:25:08

I'm really late to this thread but I've read it all and I am in awe of the strength you've found to post here. You don't need to apologise for anything my love. He's ground you down over years and turned your world about so you don't know which way is up. It's like you're drowning and he's holding your head under. I've been there as have others. Not anywhere near as bad as yours, but I know what the feelings of disorientation, walking on eggshells, trying to gauge his mood is like. You've done so incredibly well to get as far as you have over the course of the thread. Your eyes are opening to what's really going on. Each tiny baby step is a step in the right direction and a step to freedom. Bloody well done. You might not feeling it but you're doing amazingly well.

Wolfiefan Sat 05-Oct-19 09:27:31

If you start a new thread feel free to tag me. Happy to offer support if you need it.

Whatisthisfuckery Sat 05-Oct-19 11:25:40

Hi, you’ve been moved.

Stay in touch. XX

cakeandchampagne Sat 05-Oct-19 12:29:51

I love your new place, @plantlife! smile

(Thank you, MNHQ.)

plantlife Sat 05-Oct-19 15:29:30

Thank you so much MNHQ! I don't know how to explain this. I didn't want to get my hopes up so it was a really really lovely surprise to see the thread still existing. It feels comforting. Thank you all for saying hello. Thank you.

Won't be around much for the weekend. He's gone to the shops but won't be out long. He's being really nice. I feel guilty again.

Wolfiefan Sat 05-Oct-19 15:33:35

Here when you need us.

plantlife Sat 05-Oct-19 22:28:27

Thank you. I just typed a rambled post but I don't want to keep repeating myself annoying people going round in circles. I suppose it's enough to say he's being a little bit off at times but very very subtle. I just feel uneasy. Could just be me not getting over the past and him genuinely changed but I'm not sure. I try not to dwell on it but I wish the doctor hadn't taken away my best chance to leave without too much trauma. The past two months were a one off really, him being away so much.

I've made it this far though. Health slowly improving. I should be able to make a new plan, I hope. I might as well try. I keep telling myself there's no harm in planning even if he has changed.

Sorry, just rambled thoughts. He's gone to bed but I find it hard to get to sleep early. Gives me some time alone at least.

Wolfiefan Sat 05-Oct-19 22:43:34

You’re not annoying anyone. It’s in his best interest to keep you uneasy. It’s a way of exerting control.

Itallt0omuch Sun 06-Oct-19 17:16:33

You're really not annoying. If anyone doesn't want to read they don't have to.

cakeandchampagne Sun 06-Oct-19 18:08:49

Another vote here for “not annoying”. smile

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 07-Oct-19 16:06:43

@plantlife how are you doing?

plantlife Mon 07-Oct-19 17:14:37

Sorry, I didn't want to post yet another not moved forwards post. I feel bad about not changing anything yet.

I think I'm having a slump. Ive been aimlessly browsing online including MN. I think I got a bit deflated after weeks and weeks of fighting for my medication. I'm going to try to get back on track. This happens a lot. I suppose I couldn't face dealing with it. I need to snap out of it, I know. He'll be ok for quite a while but then it can all change again just in a minute. He may stay nice but I need to be prepared.

I have to rearrange the start of my plans again. Ive got most of my medication back but one is hospital prescribed. I was going to try the walk in but it's in central London. I'm worried about the climate protests, they say they're blocking public transport. So I may wait for my routine appointment. Not sure when it is yet. I'm bit nervous about putting it off as stuck indoors really until I get it.

Sorry, big moany ramble! I'll get myself together tomorrow I think. Always bit strange after a weekend with him. Even though he's being nice.

Wolfiefan Mon 07-Oct-19 18:01:54

You say moany ramble but actually I think you sound more together and assured that when you started posting. You sound clearer and much more determined. It’s not about suddenly leaving or doing something dramatic. It’s about finding a way to move forward safely to a better life. That can take time and planning. Stay safe.

Whatisthisfuckery Mon 07-Oct-19 20:40:47

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Nobody is expecting you to suddenly come on here having left and be skipping around a sunny meadow. We aren’t expecting miracles, because we know it’s not like that. Stay in touch and ramble, moan, talk about the infestation of enormous daddy longlegs, what ever.You don’t get into a suffocating abusive situation over night, and unfortunately you don’t get out of one over night either. Just keep inching forward, if only in your mind and chatting on here.

I’m glad you’re doing alright. Usual advice applies. x

plantlife Mon 07-Oct-19 21:37:13

Thank you for being so nice. I feel like a fraud again. He's being really nice. I feel a bit in limbo until I can actually get out and about. The real world seems far away. Once my health is properly back on track I suppose I can start sorting everything else out. I just worry something else will go wrong.

I actually feel ok today but it sort of worries me. I've got comfortable in the past and then been unprepared when it's awful. He really is being nice though. I'll keep trying to prepare for the worst just in case although I feel a bit like I'm tempting fate.

Thank you all again for being so nice.

Flavarings Mon 07-Oct-19 21:38:38

Plantlife. There's something in channel 4 called 'I am' about woman who are in relationships like yours. Maybe worth a watch? You'll see it's not just you going through it. smile stay strong, and ramble away, we wouldn't reply if you was annoying us. We just want the best for you and for you to be happy! X

Wolfiefan Mon 07-Oct-19 21:39:25

You deserve nice and so much more. Hope you can get the health stuff properly under control. Being nice at the moment doesn’t mean a relationship is good.

cakeandchampagne Mon 07-Oct-19 22:20:37

“....browsing online....” could be very good for you. It gives you a peek at what’s out there. smile
Animals ready for adoption, houses for sale (I especially like looking at kitchens!), fashion (you need clothes- what looks & colors will you be shopping for?)— there’s so much just beyond your door! flowers

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