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is this abuse?

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MNHQ have commented on this thread.

plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:05:37

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

TheAlternativeTentacle Fri 06-Sep-19 22:07:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cakeandchampagne Fri 06-Sep-19 22:15:06

That is abuse.
I hope you make an appointment to see your doctor- and tell your doctor the whole story.

Elieza Fri 06-Sep-19 22:25:56

See your doctor to arrange for hearing tests. One exposure to loud noise can permanently damage your hearing. He has likely done this. Tell the doctor.
Time to reassess your life. Is this really a person you want to spend time around? He has no consideration for you. Sounds like he gets very frustrated with either you or other things and takes it out on you. I wound not stay with this man, sorry but I’m sure you could do much better and be so much happier away from him. flowers

plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:31:37

I don't want to get him into trouble. I have no proof it happened anyway. I'm sorry, I've posted before with a different username but not about this. I know he's been abusive in the past but he says he's changed. I know shouting into my ear was wrong but a year later I don't know if I'm being unfair on him. It's annoying being asked to speak quietly. I'm scared to leave. I've got nowhere to go and I'm scared of being alone in a strange place. He also will try to make out it's me. He says I'm controlling because of things like asking him to speak quietly. The police came out ages ago. He told them he was struggling to deal with my mental health problems and they offered to take him somewhere safe and referred him to an abuse charity. I was in a state when they came after he had been shouting and had hit me. He was calm and they believed him.

plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:34:07

Ive seen a doctor about my ear. They know it's damaged but don't know why. They think it started with an infection. Maybe they're right. It could be coincidence. I've got no proof he did anything.

cakeandchampagne Fri 06-Sep-19 23:02:01

You don’t need “proof” of anything to get help and leave him.

Ohyesiam Fri 06-Sep-19 23:06:38

Most people who report crimes have no proof.
You are in an abusive relationship.

KellyHall Fri 06-Sep-19 23:06:57

You never have to feel trapped or alone.

There are people to help, call the Domestic Violence Helpline any time for support and to understand your options:
0808 2000 247

Justtryingtobehelpful Fri 06-Sep-19 23:09:59

These are common strategies used by abusers to gain sympathy and allies as well as to keep in a state of confusion so as to control you.

Is suggest reading the Lundy book

It'll help you see through him manipulations and figure out a strategy to leave him.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for to you.

Contact the Freedom project for help too.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum Fri 06-Sep-19 23:13:31

My Ex - H managed to persuade the police that I was making up the stories I told them about what he had done to me.

I know how scared you're feeling but you do really need to leave.

Please get some help from Women's Aid. Good luck OP.

simplekindoflife Fri 06-Sep-19 23:15:20

You have proof - a damaged ear drum!

He sounds awful and I'd imagine he speaks more loudly just to annoy and hurt you. Then blame you for "controlling" him when you ask him to speak more quietly.

He's abusing and controlling and I think you need to speak to women's aid or someone in RL.

Sorry this is happening to you OP thanks

Doyoumind Fri 06-Sep-19 23:19:29

Please speak to Women's Aid. They understand what it's like to be in your situation and can provide information and support so you feel able to leave.

You are not controlling. You haven't done anything wrong. His behaviour is abusive and gaslighting.

GeorgiaGirl52 Fri 06-Sep-19 23:44:46

He is still abusive. He won't change. Why should he? You are enabling him.
- It's been over a year since he hurt me.
_ He said he was sorry.
- Maybe it wasn't his fault. Maybe it was an infection I never knew I had.
- Maybe you were cursed by an evil fairy! Face facts!
Lucky he is not a DH. Make plans and LEAVE.

AlwaysCheddar Sat 07-Sep-19 07:09:12

Yes it’s abuse!!! Ltb

plantlife Sat 07-Sep-19 17:42:49

I'm so scared of leaving. I've got no money and we've been together for a long time. I'm trying to get through to the domestic violence helpline. I wanted to believe he'd changed. I know he shouldn't have hurt my ear but it's over a year ago. He says he feels he can't get it right with his speaking volume and that I need to move on from the past. When I tell him he's upset me or even that he was speaking too loudly he says he gets angry because he's trying to defend himself. He hit and kicked the sofa last week but didn't hurt me. I was being annoying. He's really trying to change and let his anger out in a less dangerous way.

SirJamesTalbot do you mind if I ask? How did you get out of that situation with the police believing your exH? I don't ever want to involve the police again but how can I if I need to, if they believe him?

plantlife Sat 07-Sep-19 18:43:15

Is this text enough proof it's him and not me? He says "I'm sorry, I know I've done bad things, I'll go to the police, do time, then move on". He's referring to more than just the ear but obviously nothing specific is mentioned. He could be talking about anything. I have some photos of bruises from a while ago but no proof it's him. He told the police I self harmed. I used to when I was a teenager years ago.

Thank you for the Lundy book link. I've started to read it.

Ginger1982 Sat 07-Sep-19 18:45:42

You're minimising his behaviour. He is an abusive arsehole who doesn't love you. Have you no friends or family you could stay with?

simplekindoflife Sun 08-Sep-19 10:12:32

It doesn't matter about proof at the moment. It's an abusive relationship and you need to get away from him.

Worry about proof and the police another time, once you are safe and away from him.

gorrisandhorace Sun 08-Sep-19 10:18:13

Even if nobody believes you, you must still walk away. Why are you in a strange place?
You live abroad or similar? It’s very typical that a dv perpetrator manipulates living situations so that the victim is isolated from a support network, be it by taking a job abroad, seeking a ‘better’ life and so on.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 13:07:08

I know it used to be abuse. I know I sound pathetic. I hoped he really was changed because I don't have anywhere to go if he hasn't. I need to be believed so I can get help to leave. Also he may go to the police and say I'm controlling and abusive if I leave. They already believed him once. I'm scared if I leave I'll be in a strange place on my own. Maybe it won't be much different? We had to move a few years ago. He decided at the last minute we were going to an area he had friends but I knew no-one. There was no time to find anywhere else. It's not that far friends but every time I used to see them it coincided with him being angry about something. I stopped seeing them just after we moved home.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 13:13:29

Parents in their 80s, in and out of hospital (they had me late). Not a good relationship anyway. Sister lives overseas.

I have spoken to my local women's aid. Because it's all things that happened in the past they couldn't help me. He does push and shove me and the ear thing, things like that, threats when angry like to give me a beating I won't get up from, gets angry easily, proof. All his friends and family think I'm controlling him and he's the victim. He's told mutual friends the same. Another reason I stopped seeing friends. He became Facebook friends with them (or their husbands and partners). The only friend I could really trust, get husband doesn't want her involved in drama. I understand, they have a young child to think about.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 13:17:02

I'm making it sound worse than it is. He's not doing all this unless I make him angry. I know that's what abusers say but in our case I do make him angry. Not deliberately but I'm stressed about other things and I also can't help being on edge around him.

Sorry, I think maybe I just need to write about what's happening someone knows in case things don't ever get better. I know no-one here needs to know or can help but I have no-one left to talk to about it.

Gingernaut Sun 08-Sep-19 13:20:53

It's not your fault.

This is emotional abuse.

Women's Aid should be able to help you.

Stop minimising.

Thereblegeopart Sun 08-Sep-19 13:23:44

What makes you think this is not abuse?

He's still abusing you. Phone women's aid again. Phone the police. BUT cover your tracks well, please. This is classic domestic abuse and I'd say you're at strong risk of homicide.

The longer you are with this man, the more you will be isolated from friends and family and the more he will turn them against you.

I'm away from of this now, but wish I had left my ex earlier.

You really do not deserve being treated like a piece of shit. Love and respect yourself more.

QueefLatifah Sun 08-Sep-19 13:33:51

Christ almighty this was horrible to read.
You are wasting your LIFE.
Get the hell away from this loser and start again before you look back and wonder where your life went.

He is abusing you.
You don’t need proof.

cakeandchampagne Sun 08-Sep-19 13:37:13

He is choosing to threaten & shout & assault you to try to control you and scare you.
You don’t “make” him do these things.

Maybe one of the friends you’ve been out of touch with could help you?

Jubba Sun 08-Sep-19 14:00:27

Oh. This breaks my heart. This post really hits me Dee

He’s abusive. He is. I’m sorry. But you need to get out of there somehow. You don’t need proof. You’ve got a dmanaged ear drum.

He’s making you believe you’re not worthy of time. You aren’t making this all up. You aren’t pathetic and you sure as hell don’t sound it me either

Please pm me if you ever want to talk. Please please xxx

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 16:22:04

Jubba, thank you. I'm really grateful for the offer. I don't want to waste your time with my whinges. I'm going to have a chance to leave very soon. I don't know if I really need to anymore and how to leave if I do. It's all past events. They said i could go on a list for counselling but they can't offer anything else because I'm not in danger. They're right.

I'm very very dependant on him. He pays for everything except I do get ESA. Does the shopping, food, everything. I don't even go outdoors much. I know I'm not normal. I can't remember being normal but think I used to be.

I don't feel I can honestly say I'm in danger if I try to get help. It's mostly things that happened in the past, not active abuse. I'm scared of him but probably just I can't move on from the past. I think it's helping writing here what happens. Last weekend we had an argument. It was my fault, I was stressed and unfairly blamed him for something and went on about it. He was trying so hard and being so nice. He ended up, only after being provoked, raising his fist but stopped before he hit me. I shouted about him beating me up. He shouted, by the open window so everyone could hear, he'd never beaten me up, he'd hit me, kicked me, but never a proper beating. He's so sorry about the past. It's me that won't let go.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 16:31:31

I'm sorry. At this stage I think I just need to write down somewhere. Just so some people know. I truly don't expect replies. I just need to document somewhere in the outside world what happened. It's a very long time ago. I hate myself for betraying him by telling you. He's not a bad person. It's insecurity and depression, he just needs patience and not me being stressed. I know what I'm going to write sounds bad but it was years ago. Never happened again. Early in the relationship he filmed me doing something (sexual) to him. I didn't know until I looked up. I felt trapped at the time. If I'd complained, he already had the footage. This was before the revenge porn law came in. He also had photos. I found out later he'd put it on a website people use, amateur porn thing. He admitted it once but now denies doing that. Again, no evidence. He's deleted everything. Please don't hate him. It was years ago. He's actually so insecure. Never happened again. He realised it's wrong. He had a bad influence friend. I care about him so much.

Thereblegeopart Sun 08-Sep-19 16:32:04

That's what abusers do to keep you sweet. Stop and then repeat, but as time goes on the violence and maltreatment gradually gets worse.

Then you start blaming yourself for the behaviour. Making you think you are crazy by constantly deflecting blame and denying behaviour or love bombing you. Abusers constantly change the goal posts to keep you under their control.

No one on this earth has the right to kick and punch you or scream in your ears. You are at risk of serious at harm, and it would seem you are so sucked in and vulnerable that you cannot see this, the wood from the trees.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 16:36:48

It is NOT your fault. None of it is.
If a person finds your behaviour annoying or a PITA they have the choice in how to respond. They can walk away.
You aren’t provoking him. He’s abusing you and then trying to place the blame for his unacceptable behaviour on you.
It’s not your fault.
It’s not the fault of his friend.
It’s his fault.
He’s a nasty piece of work who abuses you.

Thereblegeopart Sun 08-Sep-19 16:37:19

Another sign of an abuser, blaming their MH for shitty behaviour. It sounds like this man has extremely shallow/superficial empathy, and has zero to very little genuine accountability for his actions.

You are not to blame for the way he acts towards you.

You just keep layering layer upon layer of excuse for his vile behaviour towards you.

What is it going to take for you to wake up?

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 16:39:12

I don't know what to think. I'm sorry. I love him. I don't want to lose him. He might kill himself if I left him. He hasn't said that but he's already struggling with mental health. He's bought me everything including food. How can I leave him in the lurch. I think he needs me to need him. I don't have anyone else. Even if I should leave, they told me they couldn't help because I'm not in current danger so how can I leave? I'd feel like a fraud taking a place from a woman who really needed it.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 16:40:43

He’s an abuser and you need to leave him.
His mental health isn’t your problem and you’re not responsible for his wellbeing.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 16:56:56

Can I do it? Even if I do need to leave, how? They said I wasn't in immediate danger. I have a safe roof over my head. I don't want to lose that. He's at work weekdays and away with work a lot so I get a whole home to myself. I'm scared all they'll do is arrest him if they believe me. Then he'll be released the next day, really angry. They'll probably believe him anyway as they did last time so it will probably be me that's arrested. He's recorded me crying and shouting back at him. Not saying anything like he says to me, but I sound mad and they'll section me.

I know you think I'm stupid. I really don't think he's an abuser. He loses his temper but doesn't mean to hurt or upset me. He looks after me. He struggles with trusting people. It's so important he has me to care about him and to forgive him.

RevealTheLegend Sun 08-Sep-19 17:06:22

Read some of the threads in relationships on here.

I know your situation feels unique and Scart, but you’ll soon see that he is following a script to the bloody letter. It’s so pathetic and mundane, and utterly cold blooded terrifying.

Even just spilling your posts I can see he’s done the classics:

Make you out to be the one at fault
Convince you that you need proof to leave
Move you aware from friends for ‘Reasons‘ (absolute classic that one)
Doesn’t stop you going to visit friends, but engineers an argument entirely bc coincidence every time
Blames an unspecified mental illness for any bad behaviour
Threatens suicide when you pull him up on his bullshit

They are clever, they are sly and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. People here and in real life can help you. Keep posting. You can do this.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 17:07:15

People get cross. They walk away or go for a run. They don’t hurt or upset the people closest to them. He’s choosing to do that. He’s not looking after you. What’s important is for you to put yourself first.
Perhaps get some advice and make a plan. Do you have family you could stay with?

RevealTheLegend Sun 08-Sep-19 17:08:35

Ffs my autocorrect has gone mad

Aware =away

You are not stupid btw. You are a normal trusting loving human being.

Mabelface Sun 08-Sep-19 17:22:12

Love, he really is still abusive, and he's got you so ground down that you're now dependant on him. Look up trauma bonding. You know, you don't need anyone's permission to leave him, nor do you need an excuse. Once you've left, you'll probably find that your friends will be so glad that he's gone and they've got you back. Think about what's happened
Moved you away from friends
Isolated you by kicking off when you went out.
Blaming you for his anger and lack of control
Damaged your hearing
Making you doubt yourself all the time.

Think about it, love. You're not safe with him, he still frightens you and you don't feel safe and secure with him. I'm thinking that you played it down when you spoke to women's aid. You're still living in an abusive relationship. You matter, very much so. He's an emotionally stunted, abusive arse.

Twillow Sun 08-Sep-19 17:36:56

This is definitely abuse.
You don't need to have a black eye or be in hospital in a coma for it to be abuse.
His behaviour is dominating your life. Arguments are one thing but showing anger in a way that scares you IS abuse.
Does he do it at work, or on visits to family? I very much doubt it.
I agree that whatever you said to Women's Aid was not the full picture, because in my experience I have always been believed - there doesn't need to be proof. I can understand why - it sounds like you are scared of repercussions if he gets arrested. It doesn't work like that - they are not going to go barging your door in and pull him in to interrogate him about his behaviour.
Only you can ultimately decide if this is the life you want. This is not easy because of the way you have become acclimatised for being the one responsible - when actually, you're the victim here.
All the dark fears you have about what will happen if you try to leave are unknown, and very likely to not happen! You can leave someone for any reason you want, you don't need to prove anything. In a divorce, behaviour is rarely taken into consideration other than a reason to separate (and as my solicitor explained, that unreasonable behaviour can simply be you don't like the way they make tea!)
I won't lie, finances can be a long drawn out affair after divorce particularly with a petulant man who feels hard done by when it's their own bloody fault (!!). But lean on your family would be my advice - you may think they know nothing but my guess is they've seen you change and are worried about what's wrong.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 18:27:02

I don't know what to do. I'm scared of being turned down again if I ask for help. He's not abusing me right now. I need to be believed or they won't help. Until I ask and they say no, there's hope but if I ask and they say no, all hope is gone. It probably seems like I'm really annoying and stupid for not listening to advice. That's true. I've been given advice before and was too scared and stupid to take it. I don't know what to do. He's away and I feel so guilty but it's good. I feel on edge constantly when he's here but he's my only support. I can't get help if I'm not completely honest but I'm scared people won't want to help me. If it's ok maybe I can write and explain more later or tomorrow.

I hope this is ok. Now I've started writing about it I can't stop. I only have a few photos from the past. The worse ones were when I had no camera. This is the only real proof and he'll tell them I selfharmed. The police have me flagged on their database as mentally ill because they believed him.

I have no family support.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 18:38:25

I'm sorry if I shouldn't post this. I feel like I need to show someone. No-one's ever seen before except a neighbour who tried to help but understandably was angry and fed-up with the noise and me being so ungrateful because I blamed the neighbour.

The thing is all this is the past. He no longer does this. Maybe I should get counselling because it seems to help writing here and maybe then we can move forwards and be ok together? It must be a sign he wants to change because he's not doing that anymore. He really is trying and I really do think he cares about me.

I'm frightened of the outside world now, I've been letdown by people, and he's my protection.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 18:41:37

He’s not your protection. If he was he wouldn’t leave you bruised or damage your hearing.

Thereblegeopart Sun 08-Sep-19 20:26:03

He's made you dependant on him, he's made you start to lose your sense of reality, he's threatening you and deflecting his own appalling behaviour by recording you.

I actually feel truly sad for you. Please have some self-respect and get some help to get away from him. The longer you stay with him, the more he will isolate you and trap you like he is doing already.

ellzebellze Sun 08-Sep-19 20:44:59

He is an abuser.

The police cannot diagnose mental illness. All they have on file is what he told them. Not a doctor's report.

Go to your GP and tell them that your dp has told the police that you are mentally ill when they attended your home after he was yelling and hit you. Tell your doctor that the police believed him and not you. I'm sure that your doctor will be horrified to hear that, and they can make notes on your medical record. Tell the doctor about what really caused your hearing damage as well.

Please start telling people what has really happened.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 21:55:05

I know it's going to sound like I'm making excuses. I'm telling the truth. The GP didn't believe me, or if they did they don't care. The way things are now they probably think I deserve anything I get. The one I used to see seems determined that everything wrong with me is mental health. She won't see me now or they won't let me have an appointment with her, I'm not sure. They messed something up but every time I tried to sort it out she just ignored me. They then tried to blame my mental health. I know this sounds like it is me. I've written a bit about some of this before with different names. Even with test results showing something was real, she said it was mental health - but I don't think she read the notes. Things are actually very bad with them now, it's got to complaint stage, they hate me and I think I'm about to be struck off their list.

That's a major reason why I need my partner. I need his change to be genuine because I really haven't got anyone to turn to in RL. I seem to alienate people including those who are meant to help and I'm scared I'll do it here too. That's why I'm so scared of asking for help again.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 22:01:13

I think I've said too much. I don't want anyone to recognise me especially not from my GP. I've made things with my partner sound much worse than it is now. He needs me as well as me needing him. I've betrayed him by writing about the past. I think I need to move on and just start sorting out the current problems that aren't his fault. I'm sorry for writing so much self pitying rubbish. It really isn't like the abuse anymore. I think I just needed to write about what had happened in the past. Now it's off my chest I can move on. He's not a bad person. There's many much worse people out there and I feel safe here at home.

Wolfiefan Sun 08-Sep-19 22:12:32

No. What you need is to be safe and able to rebuild your life.
You haven’t betrayed him. He’s let you down and betrayed your trust.
There are worse people? Well yes. There are child abusers and serial murderers. But that doesn’t make his behaviour ok.
Plan an out.
Look into the freedom programme.
You deserve someone who supports you and makes you feel cherished and loved.

looondonn Sun 08-Sep-19 22:16:08

This thread is deeply worrying

Please leave

How about tomorrow?

Talk through a plan on here

You must go
I stayed

I said all the things you said
Then ....
Dadadaaaaa he tries to kill me
But yet it is all my fault all of it


Gingernaut Sun 08-Sep-19 22:19:44

You are still being abused.

He doesn't need to lay a finger on you now because he's got you walking on eggshells appeasing him.

Please talk to Women's Aid and tell them everything in the order it happened.

Justtryingtobehelpful Sun 08-Sep-19 22:37:36

Read this book

You will start to realise what is being said to you here is true. He has purposefully used tactics to isolate and confuse you. To make you feel sorry for him. To manipulate you.

Read it through. Clear the mental did he's created.

Use the advice about dealing with the police etc. in it.

Start to see how you can plan your exit without him using the judicial system against you.

I know you feel like yours is a unique case but you will be given the ammunition you need to arm yourself by being talked through the process of how he made you feel like this.

The book was written by a man who counseled abusive men.

You need it in your life!!

Justtryingtobehelpful Sun 08-Sep-19 22:38:23

Mental fog and confusion he's created - apparently a normal state of affairs.....

plantlife Mon 09-Sep-19 00:15:23

I am truly grateful for the replies and offers of support. I know I'm frustrating. I feel scared about everything. I know I can't go on like this. I have to sort myself out. I think he's not my real problem anymore. He's helping me. He really is. I suppose I need to be completely honest about everything if I'm going to get help. If I need it. If it's ok maybe I could write down when Ive slept my barriers to leaving (if I actually do need to leave) and maybe I can finally work things out if I really need to leave or just sort out my real problems.

I don't think he'll kill me even if he did get a little bit violent again. He absolutely does not want to go to prison. It got to stage at one point when he'd threatened to do it and I asked him to. I said I wanted it over with, all the problems. He said he wasn't going to prison for me. He used to threaten to kill me in the heat of anger and not mean it. Since I told him to do it, he's stopped.

Please don't think he's that bad. It's like when people say bad things in an argument that they do not mean at all. It also is in the past. I just wanted the poster who was worried to not worry. He really doesn't want to go to prison.

Gingernaut Mon 09-Sep-19 01:00:05

Bumping because people with more experience than me need to see this and your replies.

Please, you poor woman, you are worthy of love and you deserve better than this.

How dare he make you apologise for even living.

Wolfiefan Mon 09-Sep-19 07:57:51

He IS that bad.
He isn’t helping you.
This is so fucked up. “I don’t think he’d kill me” and “a little bit violent”. So chilling. He has you complicit in minimising the abuse and you no longer see how far this is from any kind of normal relationship.
Normal people don’t threaten things like this or hurt their partners. Not even when angry.

plantlife Mon 09-Sep-19 15:00:49

I think I do need to leave, just because I'm still so scared of him even if it is probably irrational now. I don't know what to do. He's been away and went straight to work this morning. Just texted me to say he forgot he was out drinking with clients tonight. I can't help feeling sick with fear. I'm sure it will be fine but he's always more unpredictable when drunk and I'm not feeling well and won't be able to get an early night now. He says I'm controlling because I don't like it when.he drinks but it's only that in the past he's been more out of control violent or smashes things up or shouts and swears loudly - sometimes think he's trying to get us thrown out. Sorry I am so cut off now this is my only real contact with the outside world.

I know he'll be fine tonight but I also know I'll spend the day and evening on edge.

I've also got no food left. I know it's not his responsibility but he was going to pick up the shopping. Was originally due back yesterday but changed his mind then texted to say he'd forgotten about being out tonight. I don't know if it's deliberate or not, just it's too late to get a supermarket delivery today. Can't afford takeaway. I won't starve, I've got porridge.

plantlife Mon 09-Sep-19 15:14:44

Please tell me I can get help and get through this if I do need to leave. I need to explain my barriers to leaving but I'm scared everyone will hate me. I alienate people - not deliberately. I need to be honest, I've posted before here and in another place a bit about the other problems. Please don't be angry about that. I was too scared to explain everything, I didn't want to be recognised possibly by someone in RL and also scared I won't be believed and scared I'll make people who can help angry. I chose to post here because I hope he's less likely to think of me posting here. I hope that's ok. My biggest fear is not having a home. I just want to be safe. I was in the bath last night looking at everything I take for granted, having a bath in my own bathroom, my own shower gel, then my own bed, kitchen, safe from the outside world. He knows this. I think it's partly why he holds back more on the violence. He threatens to leave me and taunts me with me being homeless. He tells me I need him, which is true.

I was reassured a bit by people when I posted before. I thought I'd take the risk and try to leave but now something else has happened and I don't know how to deal with everything. He's probably not the immediate problem at the moment. I just can't stop thinking about what's happened so it's me now more than him.

gorrisandhorace Mon 09-Sep-19 15:55:05

Listen . If you leave now you leave with your life and if you don’t you may not. Simple as that.
You know women on here leave to nothing, with nothing. It’s like jumping off a cliff in the dark and praying someone will catch you. There isn’t a choice whether to leave or not at this stage.
Your choice is whether to risk being murdered by your partner or not.

gorrisandhorace Mon 09-Sep-19 15:58:16

If he’s out my suggestion would be to pack your bag and get the hell out of there

Wolfiefan Mon 09-Sep-19 16:27:12

Sounds like you need to find someone in RL you can fully confide in.
Can you stay somewhere else tonight if he’s likely to come home drunk and kick off?

plantlife Mon 09-Sep-19 16:59:49

I know it sounds like excuses but I feel frozen with fear and confusion on what to do. I genuinely haven't stepped foot outside in weeks, over a month. I haven't been able to, but also it now feels scary. Especially when not fighting fit. I genuinely have nothing to wear. I know I sound disgusting and pathetic but I wear my pyjamas and dressing gown everyday (I wash everyday). I gained weight over the past few years and don't have clothes, jacket or coat that fit. I bought some cheap summer clothes from primark in June but they're too cold for today's weather. I also need to go to a doctor because I genuinely haven't been well, have a number of issues but one is that I'm limping. I have nowhere to go. I know I can't wallow in self pity forever but if I'm able to I need to get through this week. He's away then so it may be easier to plan anything. It's not his fault a lot of this it's other problems.

plantlife Mon 09-Sep-19 17:05:18

I really don't feel I can face the police but if there was no option or if he tries to say I'm the abuser, what do I do? They offered to drive him to a place of safety and referred him to an abuse charity. I feel so ashamed.

Wolfiefan Mon 09-Sep-19 17:07:48

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. Not a thing.
It sounds like there are lots and lots of issues other than him. Can you start to deal with some of them? Plan your out?
Be careful. If he knows you’re thinking of leaving he may become very nasty. Don’t let him find this thread OP.

snowbear66 Mon 09-Sep-19 17:21:51

Are you married, do you both own the house?
If you rent then perhaps your parents can put you up until you get on your feet?
When you leave you can claim Jobseekers Allowance £70 a week and then housing benefit for your accommodation to get you started.
Why don't you visit the housing benefit office and jobcentre while he's away and ask?

Please don't stay, it's like living with a dangerous dog, he has no self-control. I don't think he can change, just go into remission for a while and he sounds dangerous. He's not even brought you any food, you are not going to be cared for by this man.

plantlife Mon 09-Sep-19 17:58:36

Should I get this thread deleted? I don't think he'll know because there's no children (was TTC to ages, hasn't happened, stopped trying for now). That's why I hoped safer posting here.

I did have loose plan to leave, a date set even, but the other problem happened and it's made me have to rethink everything and question if he's that bad. He does seem to have changed. I think.

I think this is why I'm writing about everything. I think I've reached a low point. I've not been this bad before, completely staying indoors for so long, things like that. It might be coincidence but every time I start getting better, being normal, there's an argument with him or he by coincidence happens to be stressed or angry about something else. I think, but may be paranoid, that he prefers me being like this because I need him. He offered to pay for a takeaway but he'll shout about spending money on me if I accept. I've got porridge, I won't starve.

When he's away with work again I'll try to think things through properly and work out either how to leave, or how to sort out my problems, and move on with him starting again with both of us making an effort.

I'll take a break from writing too much here and try to think about everything. I've started reading the Lundy book. Thank you to everyone for replies and support.

Wolfiefan Mon 09-Sep-19 18:37:39

Please talk to someone IRL about him and whatever the other problem is.

snowbear66 Mon 09-Sep-19 19:30:46

He won't change.
This is him and he will always be like this.
You can't move on and start again with him, it's gone past that point.

Shouldbedoing Mon 09-Sep-19 20:20:58

If you printed this thread and emailed it to Women's Aid or your GP they would believe you and help you

I believe you. flowers

cakeandchampagne Mon 09-Sep-19 21:02:19

When you go to the doctor for your injuries, tell the doctor everything.

Your partner will never treat you right.
If you don’t leave, the abuse will only stop when you are dead.

Justtryingtobehelpful Tue 10-Sep-19 06:24:02

Glad to know you're reading the book. Take that time to deal with the emotions it raises.

Then come back to us with your plan of action for an escape.

Good luck!

plantlife Tue 10-Sep-19 11:40:16

Thank you again for the link. I hope I'll work something out. I'm sorry for posting so much. It's just I felt just in case I don't survive this (more likely my health now than him), I wanted to speak out so it's out there somewhere, just so it's not just my silent cut off life. I'm sorry. He absolutely didn't mean this, he speaks before he thinks when upset or angry, but he said once he'd kill me and hide my body in the attic. He won't, please believe me, he cares so much about me, and like he says his bark is worse than his bite. It's just that made me realise if I died at the moment, people just wouldn't know. I'm so cut off from everybody. Parents not great relationship and they're in their 80s and in hospital a lot. Sister overseas. GP hates me and I'm thinking of deregistering before they strike me off, jump before I'm pushed. I've posted a bit about that situation here and elsewhere. Doubt anyone's interested but in case, it's a thread about requesting female gp and getting male pharmacist, then being threatened with being a demanding patient. Also different thread about practice manager not being contactabke, not giving me my medical records. I was scared of people recognising my story and hating me for posting so much and not changing. I'm sorry, I just feel like I have to get it all out. I know I'll regret this though.

plantlife Tue 10-Sep-19 11:45:53

Sorry, I really don't expect anyone to reply or even read. I just needed to get it out of my head what's happened. Please, please believe me, he won't hurt me badly. Like I said he's been making massive effort lately. Also he definitely would not want to go to prison for me, he's certain of that. After I asked him to go ahead and kill me, he stopped threatening to. I'm more upset and stressed about my GP issues now. That's what stopped my plans to leave. I felt like one step forwards, two steps back. I'll work something out, I'm sure. Sorry, I'll go away and get on with reading the book now!

Wolfiefan Tue 10-Sep-19 12:19:32

Nobody hates you and you don’t have to apologise for posting
The fact he hasn’t killed you and you don’t think he would isn’t a positive. No normal person threatens such a thing.
Have you a diagnosis for your health issues? What makes you think they aren’t survivable?

cakeandchampagne Tue 10-Sep-19 12:43:26

Nobody here hates you.
We want you to have proper food and clothing.
We want you to be safe all the time, every day.
We want you to get medical care every time you are ill or injured.

You can feel scared and still do brave things for yourself.

Wolfiefan Tue 10-Sep-19 14:30:04

Cake is right. And you deserve those things. You really do. flowers

Elieza Tue 10-Sep-19 15:04:14

What @cakeandchampagne said.

You accept the bare minimum from this man and are grateful for having your own shower gel. That’s not usual. Not having to think about having your own shower gel as you take it for granted is what most people do.

There are no two ways. You need help. Now.

You are messed up big time because he’s made you like this. Sorry for the honesty. This isn’t you. It’s him messing with your mind. You deserve better. You need help. People will believe you. All you have to do is tell the truth. Police, social work, doctor, women’s aid. Pick one and contact them. You do need help. Please do something instead of putting everything in the ‘too difficult box inside your brain’ and backtracking and trying to cover for someone and minimise what he’s done so in your head it’s ok to stay.
It’s not. You need to go.

And for goodness sake don’t try and have a baby with this man. That would be the worst thing you could do. For you and her.

Tell the truth to someone and get free from this man. You will have somewhere safe to stay. There will be shower gel. It will be ok and so will you smile

plantlife Tue 10-Sep-19 17:28:30

It's so lovely and kind of you all. I don't think I deserve your niceness. I should have got out of this situation before it got like this. I also turned down help when it was offered. I was too scared and should have been stronger because now I've been turned down for help. Someone was meant to be helping me today with one of the problems (not him). They didn't call when they said they would and didn't even leave a message to say why. I'm sorry, I'll be strong again, just a small setback?

Wolfiefan Tue 10-Sep-19 17:31:32

Just a small setback.
It’s not that you’re not strong. It’s just things wear you down and sometimes you’re not ready to tackle them.
You DO deserve niceness and kindness and happiness too. flowers

plantlife Wed 11-Sep-19 16:21:25

Thank you. I have a small update. Some good news sort of! Nothing to do with him but one of the other problems. Just found out I'm not the only person in the situation. There's been loads of complaints and it's been reported. It caused so much stress for me and made me turn back to him and forget about leaving. I'm glad I spoke out now. Sometimes it is worth it. I feel less alone today. Thank you again. I'm going away to read more of the Lundy book now.

cakeandchampagne Wed 11-Sep-19 17:56:52

Please remember you are not alone. flowers

Aside from the basics, what are looking forward to? What big & little things are you dreaming of?
Getting a puppy? Getting a degree? Travel? Starting a business?

Wolfiefan Wed 11-Sep-19 18:35:21

I’m so glad you’re feeling a bit better today. You aren’t alone. Here if you need to talk.

Twillow Thu 12-Sep-19 09:53:38

Just wanted to say it's likely your medical problem is related to the abuse, in the sense that the way you have been treated by your partner has made you feel everything is your fault and that you are not worth good treatment and that you must be a monster for expecting it or for asking for anything! None of these are true, you know that deep inside you. But it's a struggle, I really appreciate that. If a receptionist is huffy with you, that's his/her problem, not yours. Tell yourself maybe they had a bad day or in pain themselves and don't take that negativity on board.

Telling you he will kill you and hide your body in the the attic IS ABUSE. No matter if he isn't going to do it, IT IS ABUSE. He wants you to be afraid of him. That is NOT LOVE.

Twillow Thu 12-Sep-19 09:57:29

And just because you turned down help once, doesn't mean you are not going to get it now when you are ready for it. Every step forward you take is a positive one and setbacks are part of life, don't blame yourself.

Many women go though this and on average, tries to leave in one way or another SEVEN TIMES before they achieve it. Be proud of the steps you are taking in the face of adversity!

The Lundy book is very good. Glad you are have it.

GlasshouseStoneThrower Thu 12-Sep-19 10:22:43

Not a shadow of a doubt that this was a very serious case of abuse.

He sounds truly vile.

You don't need proof of his abuse to leave him. You won't be less safe without him - you will be more safe. You don't need to involve the police, or explain it to him, or let him have his say. You can just get up and walk away from him.

plantlife Thu 12-Sep-19 20:15:14

I'm sorry because I'm feeling a bit defeated today. I don't know if it's me just worrying but I don't know if I would survive without him. I've spent the past few weeks trying to sort out the problem that stopped me focusing on the situation with him. Its still not dealt with. There are some very kind people trying to help but it's taking so much time, waiting for appointments, waiting for replies. If it wasn't for him, I'd have no food at all because of waiting so long for help. He bought me loads when he came home. I actually feel really guilty too because he's being so nice to me. I think he genuinely does want to change. Then I think I should plan to leave just in case he hasn't changed but I can't because I'm not well and have to spend so much time on that.

I'm scared I'll die. I know I'm being stupid, it's just I've not gone outside for so long now, weeks. I'm literally getting up from bed and sitting on the sofa all day. I'm scared I'll have a heart attack or something. I'm sorry, I'm tired and feeling sorry for myself. It's not his fault, this problem. He says he doesn't want me to die.

plantlife Thu 12-Sep-19 20:23:27

Being very honest, I was planning a trial run next week. He's away then and I planned to try to leave but obviously if I couldn't cope or there wasn't help, I'll be able to return without him knowing. Now I can't. I do love him and I know you think I'm stupid so perhaps I just have to trust he has changed. I just wish I'd been able to set up my leaving plan so it was there in case. I can't because I have to sort out the health.
Sorry for being so negative.

Thank you for being so kind. I'll try to pull myself together again. Cakeandchampagne, I'd love to get a dog and I'd like to go back to studying. I haven't worked for a few years so think it would help. He's out tonight and I miss him. That's silly maybe.

Wolfiefan Thu 12-Sep-19 20:33:05

You would do more than survive.
You deserve so much more than this.
Do you have a diagnosis for the health issue? Does your GP know how you feel?

plantlife Fri 13-Sep-19 13:51:18

Thank you. I wish I could express how much your kindness means. It seems like I'm ignoring advice, I'm just scared and it's even harder to think when not feeling well, but it really does mean a lot to think someone out there cares. It's not your problem though and I don't want to burden you or anyone else here with my problems. I am posting partly just to get it all out because Im so cut off from the outside with right now. I also keep feeling scared I'll die. I don't want him in trouble though but want to feel what's happened over the years is known out there somewhere.

The doctor is the problem. They've made everything so much worse for me. I could cope with lack of support but they've done some things wrong, made mistakes then tried to blame me, said it was my mental health, and are threatening to deregister me. I have some evidence it's not me, I've got someone helping me, and it's happened to lots of other patients, but in the meantine it can't give me back the time I've lost dealing with it all, still feeling ill and not focusing on the situation with him. I have a letter on my file saying I'm difficult and demanding, sent after I made a complaint. Apparently all patients who complained got one. I feel I can't find a new doctor now.

Sorry for these long posts. Please noone feel obliged to read and/or reply.

cakeandchampagne Fri 13-Sep-19 14:05:36

People reply here because they care.
Sometimes you need help, and people can make suggestions.
Sometimes you just need to be heard, and people can listen.

plantlife Fri 13-Sep-19 14:27:37

Thank you so much. It helps restore my faith in humans knowing there are nice kind people out there. I know I need to stop worrying about worse case examples but it's things like this that terrify me. Sorry can't post the link for some reason but a report on BBC yesterday about women being homeless after leaving abuse.

He's stopped being violent mostly and making so.much effort that I keep thinking I'm safer with him. Then I think I should leave in case it gets bad again. I'm going to logoff and take deep calm breaths and think about what I can do instead of what if worrying. I think I just needed to write my fears down. I still feel so guilty but as I was writing I remembered his face when he gets violent and it scares me. I'm sorry I feel so guilty for him. I think I'll get back to the Lundy book now.

Plantlife Fri 13-Sep-19 20:50:37

So what's happened, sorry for posting so much, I feel a need to get it out. I have been so scared for ages about having no home if I left but I kind of got myself together and was planning to take a leap of faith. I had some plans of how to go. Then the doctor stuff happened and it's sent me back into a mesd of fear. It also helps him so much if he did go bad again because it looks like I'm the bad one. He has said the police and GP know I'm the problem.

Please don't hate me if you recognise this situation. I posted about it somewhere else but he's more likely to look there so I can't give details and also can't help feeling I need my truth known in case I die.

I had to make a complaint to my GP surgery. Tried not to but practice manager was apparently never available, doesn't do meetings, and never called me when I was told she would. The day after I made the written complaint I was emailed a letter accusing me of demanding appointments (I filled in symptoms online, they emailed an appointment), not bothering to turn up for no reason, and making nuisance phone calls.

I feel dirty and sick and ashamed for trusting them. I couldn't go to some appointments at hospital when things were bad with him but the GP knows why, I told them. I couldn't go in person to 2 recent GP appointments because I'm in pain with my condition but also I feel so bullied by the receptionist. First time they let me have telephone appointment, 2nd time, they ignored my email asking for that, then receptionist refused to let me speak to GP on the day. I told the gp in the past I've felt bullied. I used to trust her so much but she never believes me about anything. I've been in pain and she insisted it was anxiety. She ignored the consultant notes and me explaining the condition. She decided me being scared of my partner was anxiety when i was saying wad getting drunk sbd things get bad when he's angry so I wad scared of him.coming back that evening. She told me I didn't need to show a bruise (so no evidence now).

The nuisance phone calls were me begging to be allowed a telephone appointment (they've done this before) and later asking to speak to the practice manager. I was very upset (but polite) just close to tears and in pain and scared. I recorded the call so have proof but I can't change surgeries now as a difficult patient. So I've got no medical help, scared I won't get a sick note when I run out soon. I've spent money I saved in case I left him, just train or cab fares, on medicine privately. I feel so sick they know it was abuse that I couldn't go to appointments and they're lying in the letter. They also lie about other things like I've ignored medical advice. I have letters proving it's a lie but I can't deal with it all in one go. I feel like I need him more than ever and the only person in rl on my side. He is genuinely being nice but it's hard thinking straight with all the worries

Sorry, I will go away now.

Plantlife Fri 13-Sep-19 21:16:31

Ok, promise this is the last post right now. I guess to sum up briefly. I'm having to spend all my time and mental energy on trying to clear my name (from people who I actually really needed to support me) instead of thinking about what to do about him. Also still needing the support and medical help. It's ridiculous because I truly think he's changed but I'm still scared of him and I had a chance this week coming to leave and now it's gone.

Wolfiefan Fri 13-Sep-19 21:50:57

It could be delayed. Not gone. Are they saying the whole condition is anxiety? Surely that at least would be better away from him?

Plantlife Sat 14-Sep-19 00:24:35

I've taken up too much of your time. I hope you know how much your kind support means. Please don't waste anymore time on me. I should be in bed but can't stop thinking about it. I'll have a bath and see if it helps. I don't know what they think about my condition. There's test results and consultant report. They did try to dismiss as anxiety until I saw the consultant. Since then they've been really hostile about it. I've explained verbally and in writing because it's not common so gps don't understand. Showed them NICE guidelines, NHS info on it. They accused me of ignoring GP advice in their letter (sent day after they got my complaint letter, which they haven't acknowledged weeks later). It's like the abuse he does. Lying and saying it's me. I've got copies of letters I sent proving it's them but it's so hard dealing with clearing my name. I used to think Id turn to them in an emergency with him.

ProhibitedRodent Sat 14-Sep-19 01:04:43

Why have you posted on here to ask if this is abuse yet when everyone says it IS abuse, you say it isn't? That he's changed? Why turn to Mumsnet if you refuse to leave him?

cakeandchampagne Sat 14-Sep-19 01:08:41

Like Wolfie said, if he is the one you are around the most, shouldn’t they consider that he may be a significant part of any problems?
It sounds like you try very hard to communicate with the doctors & staff.
Good idea to try a relaxing bath. star

Plantlife Sat 14-Sep-19 01:49:58

Cake, thank you so much for being so kind. I tried to sleep, couldn't, going to try again.

Rodent, I know I'm really annoying. I'm sorry. I genuinely can't think straight. He's not being abusive now and the serious violence hasn't happened for a while. I'm so confused. I can't work out if he's changed, or if the doctor is doing the job for him and he's pretending to be nice. My instincts keep changing. I desperately need him to no longer be an abuser as I can't deal with that at the same time. I know I'm stupid.

Wolfiefan Sat 14-Sep-19 09:17:19

You’re not stupid
You’re not annoying.
Either he’s talked you into thinking you are or maybe there’s some depression/MH issues/low self esteem going on.
But you’re not. Really you’re not.

Twillow Sat 14-Sep-19 14:52:41

It feels as if this is all going round and round in circles. It's clear that the medical side of things - both your condition and the doctors - are CAUSING anxiety. The anxiety also 'allows' you to stay as you are because (and I mean this very understandingly) to change (i.e. leave) is very, very scary for you. Possibly at a level scarier than his abuse? So your brain plays little tricks on you - lets you think you need him to help you, that he is not THAT bad, that you are not worth anything better, that everyone at the surgery hates you etc.

I feel you would really benefit from a friend to talk all this through with, someone who you could trust when they reflect back to you what you are saying and allowing yourself to believe. It doesn't seem like you have anyone like that?

Have you tried to call any domestic abuse numbers, particularly local charities? Have you been to Citizens advice bureau to get some advice about how to complain to a doctor and how to change doctor? ( You said you wouldn't be allowed to change - have you actually tried? )
If no to these, then you could definitely be allowing your 'inner saboteur' to take over (look online - it's really interesting!).

I feel desperately for you as it seems like you are really suffering on lots of fronts. You are absolutely not a lost cause though.

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