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is this abuse?

(911 Posts)

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plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:05:37

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

TheAlternativeTentacle Fri 06-Sep-19 22:07:30

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

cakeandchampagne Fri 06-Sep-19 22:15:06

That is abuse.
I hope you make an appointment to see your doctor- and tell your doctor the whole story.

Elieza Fri 06-Sep-19 22:25:56

See your doctor to arrange for hearing tests. One exposure to loud noise can permanently damage your hearing. He has likely done this. Tell the doctor.
Time to reassess your life. Is this really a person you want to spend time around? He has no consideration for you. Sounds like he gets very frustrated with either you or other things and takes it out on you. I wound not stay with this man, sorry but I’m sure you could do much better and be so much happier away from him. flowers

plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:31:37

I don't want to get him into trouble. I have no proof it happened anyway. I'm sorry, I've posted before with a different username but not about this. I know he's been abusive in the past but he says he's changed. I know shouting into my ear was wrong but a year later I don't know if I'm being unfair on him. It's annoying being asked to speak quietly. I'm scared to leave. I've got nowhere to go and I'm scared of being alone in a strange place. He also will try to make out it's me. He says I'm controlling because of things like asking him to speak quietly. The police came out ages ago. He told them he was struggling to deal with my mental health problems and they offered to take him somewhere safe and referred him to an abuse charity. I was in a state when they came after he had been shouting and had hit me. He was calm and they believed him.

plantlife Fri 06-Sep-19 22:34:07

Ive seen a doctor about my ear. They know it's damaged but don't know why. They think it started with an infection. Maybe they're right. It could be coincidence. I've got no proof he did anything.

cakeandchampagne Fri 06-Sep-19 23:02:01

You don’t need “proof” of anything to get help and leave him.

Ohyesiam Fri 06-Sep-19 23:06:38

Most people who report crimes have no proof.
You are in an abusive relationship.

KellyHall Fri 06-Sep-19 23:06:57

You never have to feel trapped or alone.

There are people to help, call the Domestic Violence Helpline any time for support and to understand your options:
0808 2000 247

Justtryingtobehelpful Fri 06-Sep-19 23:09:59

These are common strategies used by abusers to gain sympathy and allies as well as to keep in a state of confusion so as to control you.

Is suggest reading the Lundy book

It'll help you see through him manipulations and figure out a strategy to leave him.

It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for to you.

Contact the Freedom project for help too.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum Fri 06-Sep-19 23:13:31

My Ex - H managed to persuade the police that I was making up the stories I told them about what he had done to me.

I know how scared you're feeling but you do really need to leave.

Please get some help from Women's Aid. Good luck OP.

simplekindoflife Fri 06-Sep-19 23:15:20

You have proof - a damaged ear drum!

He sounds awful and I'd imagine he speaks more loudly just to annoy and hurt you. Then blame you for "controlling" him when you ask him to speak more quietly.

He's abusing and controlling and I think you need to speak to women's aid or someone in RL.

Sorry this is happening to you OP thanks

Doyoumind Fri 06-Sep-19 23:19:29

Please speak to Women's Aid. They understand what it's like to be in your situation and can provide information and support so you feel able to leave.

You are not controlling. You haven't done anything wrong. His behaviour is abusive and gaslighting.

GeorgiaGirl52 Fri 06-Sep-19 23:44:46

He is still abusive. He won't change. Why should he? You are enabling him.
- It's been over a year since he hurt me.
_ He said he was sorry.
- Maybe it wasn't his fault. Maybe it was an infection I never knew I had.
- Maybe you were cursed by an evil fairy! Face facts!
Lucky he is not a DH. Make plans and LEAVE.

AlwaysCheddar Sat 07-Sep-19 07:09:12

Yes it’s abuse!!! Ltb

plantlife Sat 07-Sep-19 17:42:49

I'm so scared of leaving. I've got no money and we've been together for a long time. I'm trying to get through to the domestic violence helpline. I wanted to believe he'd changed. I know he shouldn't have hurt my ear but it's over a year ago. He says he feels he can't get it right with his speaking volume and that I need to move on from the past. When I tell him he's upset me or even that he was speaking too loudly he says he gets angry because he's trying to defend himself. He hit and kicked the sofa last week but didn't hurt me. I was being annoying. He's really trying to change and let his anger out in a less dangerous way.

SirJamesTalbot do you mind if I ask? How did you get out of that situation with the police believing your exH? I don't ever want to involve the police again but how can I if I need to, if they believe him?

plantlife Sat 07-Sep-19 18:43:15

Is this text enough proof it's him and not me? He says "I'm sorry, I know I've done bad things, I'll go to the police, do time, then move on". He's referring to more than just the ear but obviously nothing specific is mentioned. He could be talking about anything. I have some photos of bruises from a while ago but no proof it's him. He told the police I self harmed. I used to when I was a teenager years ago.

Thank you for the Lundy book link. I've started to read it.

Ginger1982 Sat 07-Sep-19 18:45:42

You're minimising his behaviour. He is an abusive arsehole who doesn't love you. Have you no friends or family you could stay with?

simplekindoflife Sun 08-Sep-19 10:12:32

It doesn't matter about proof at the moment. It's an abusive relationship and you need to get away from him.

Worry about proof and the police another time, once you are safe and away from him.

gorrisandhorace Sun 08-Sep-19 10:18:13

Even if nobody believes you, you must still walk away. Why are you in a strange place?
You live abroad or similar? It’s very typical that a dv perpetrator manipulates living situations so that the victim is isolated from a support network, be it by taking a job abroad, seeking a ‘better’ life and so on.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 13:07:08

I know it used to be abuse. I know I sound pathetic. I hoped he really was changed because I don't have anywhere to go if he hasn't. I need to be believed so I can get help to leave. Also he may go to the police and say I'm controlling and abusive if I leave. They already believed him once. I'm scared if I leave I'll be in a strange place on my own. Maybe it won't be much different? We had to move a few years ago. He decided at the last minute we were going to an area he had friends but I knew no-one. There was no time to find anywhere else. It's not that far friends but every time I used to see them it coincided with him being angry about something. I stopped seeing them just after we moved home.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 13:13:29

Parents in their 80s, in and out of hospital (they had me late). Not a good relationship anyway. Sister lives overseas.

I have spoken to my local women's aid. Because it's all things that happened in the past they couldn't help me. He does push and shove me and the ear thing, things like that, threats when angry like to give me a beating I won't get up from, gets angry easily, proof. All his friends and family think I'm controlling him and he's the victim. He's told mutual friends the same. Another reason I stopped seeing friends. He became Facebook friends with them (or their husbands and partners). The only friend I could really trust, get husband doesn't want her involved in drama. I understand, they have a young child to think about.

plantlife Sun 08-Sep-19 13:17:02

I'm making it sound worse than it is. He's not doing all this unless I make him angry. I know that's what abusers say but in our case I do make him angry. Not deliberately but I'm stressed about other things and I also can't help being on edge around him.

Sorry, I think maybe I just need to write about what's happening someone knows in case things don't ever get better. I know no-one here needs to know or can help but I have no-one left to talk to about it.

Gingernaut Sun 08-Sep-19 13:20:53

It's not your fault.

This is emotional abuse.

Women's Aid should be able to help you.

Stop minimising.

Thereblegeopart Sun 08-Sep-19 13:23:44

What makes you think this is not abuse?

He's still abusing you. Phone women's aid again. Phone the police. BUT cover your tracks well, please. This is classic domestic abuse and I'd say you're at strong risk of homicide.

The longer you are with this man, the more you will be isolated from friends and family and the more he will turn them against you.

I'm away from of this now, but wish I had left my ex earlier.

You really do not deserve being treated like a piece of shit. Love and respect yourself more.

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