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Women’s advice

(4 Posts)
gentletryer Thu 05-Sep-19 22:43:40

I appreciate this is MUMS net, but I really need a woman’s perspective as the male friends I have talked to are less than helpful as always and I don’t have any female friends. So here goes.
I’ve been with my wife for 10 years, married for 1 this month. After a very trying 3 years with lots of things happening which affected my mental health greatly and put our relationship under tremendous strain during which time put a fenomanal amount of emotional strain on my SO I’ve come back from a 6 month deployment to find my wife has had 6 months of living her life without any of the stress and strains that life with me has brought upon her, we tried a marriage counsellor and she has now said maybe there’s just been too much hurt caused over the years by the stresses to heal. She no longer finds me attractive (emotionally), doesn’t remember how things were before and needs space to think and hopefully miss me . But isn’t sure what will happen. I have agreed to move out for a month and see each other only on Saturdays no contact for the remainder so she hopefully work out that she doesn’t want a life without me. I’ve trying for the last month since these feelings were brought to my attention to be the person I used to be and treat her like I used to, my friends all give the advice that she has made her decision but she assured me she hasn’t. I’m terrified that it is the end and I’m powerless, all I can do is be myself and show her that the times of depression and self pity have finished and hope it’s enough. Does space actually work or has anyone had any positive outcomes? I’m dreading he thought of doing this which will be a real struggle for me only to get to the end and have that fateful decision that I fear.

Just to make things better the weekend we are planning on talking again is our 1st anniversary ??

Thanks for any input that anybody has x

HennyPennyHorror Fri 06-Sep-19 07:03:45

How have you been treating her that she can't remember how you used to treat her? What have been the main problems?

gentletryer Fri 06-Sep-19 09:05:05

For a period I struggled with serious depression, mental health issues and alcoholism which led to her having anxiety about me worrying about me all the time, after seeing a Marriage councillor we worked out that we had almost slipped into a pattern of her wording about me so rather than 2 equals in the relationship she was more looking after me because of her feelings. However that period of time has finished and I’m trying to show her that she doesn’t need to look after me or worry about my feelings, but I have not treated her badly I still treat her like the love of my life which she is, romantic days out trips away helping round the house making her nice meals offering to do anything for/ with her. She has said I’m perfect in every way and she is so lucky to have someone who is so good to her, that I haven’t done anything which is why she feels guilty because I’m always trying so hard for her. There is now so little intimacy that we are like friends which is so frustrating for me. When I try to be intimate it’s met with annoyance and rejection even just kisses and cuddles not just sex. Which makes it worse because she says she doesn’t know what I want her to do, but then at the same time she will walk around the house naked and stuff like that as if there is know problem, which makes it worse because I find her so sexy and attractive but know that I can’t do anything about her. It’s as if she’s teasing me but when I bring it up she just gets annoyed. She says she can’t talk to me anymore without me getting upset or bothered by the things she says but when the most important person in your life says they are no longer attracted to you how can you not be hurt? We do still talk but I can constantly feel that something isn’t right, if I don’t try then I’m lazy and don’t care if I do then I’m smothering her 🤷🏼‍♂️

Pitterpotter Thu 03-Oct-19 23:28:07

It sounds to me like her mind is made up and so is yours. You finished your last sentence with if you don't try you don't care and lazy but if you do try you are smothering her. Your in a loose loose situation and unfortunately from a womans perspective she's lost the spark she once had, and is in the place where anything you say or do irritates her. Given that you have already been away for a 6 month deployment she has had the time away from you and this has made her aware of how she is without you. What she is doing now is prolonging the inevitable and stringing you along until she has the heart to finally cut the cord.
I'm sorry to be blunt and it's not what you want to hear but focus on the positives. You have your whole life ahead of you and so much time to meet the right person to start a fresh with. Of course it doesn't feel like that now as all you've known for 10 years is your partner but time will heal and new experiences bring new adventures, enjoy life you only get one of them!!

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