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Controlling Great-Grandmother

(33 Posts)
Vivienne1991 Tue 13-Aug-19 07:05:37

I don't really no where to start, other than I feel completely out of control of all aspects of my life. And not like 'crazy' out of control but out of control because my husband's nan has over the last 2 and a half years slowly taken control of everything I try to do when it comes to home life and my daughter's life.

My husband's nan and grandad have looked after our daughter from the age of 2 and a half whilst we both worked full time and couldn't afford the childcare fees. I was reluctant at first with them both being 82 but they still had their wits about them and well relatively fit and you wouldn't know they were 82. Anyway, things were fine at first and we had no issues - for your first 6 months anyway! Then slowly but surely the nan has becoming overbearing and controlling to the point of telling my daughter's HV that she is more of my daughter's mother than I am. She continually tries to tell me what is right or wrong and how I should do things. She ignores what both me and husband say when it comes to food and gives our daughter food that cause her constipation it's just a never ending list of things.

Last year I had two miscarriages one and after the other and during an unnecessary disagreement she tells me, in front of my daughter that they were my fault cause I am a bad mother and she can talk to me however she likes as she looks after my daughter - that was the final straw but after my husband spoke to her, she apparently 'apologised' so I agreed, out of no choice but to still allow her to look after our little girl.

Fast forward to last week - she's asks me if she can have my daughter over night. I really don't feel comfortable with this. My H's nan and granddad are now almost 85 and not only that I am 6 months pregnant and my DD is extremely clingy so I spoke to my H and we agreed that once I am on maternity leave (in two weeks she can have her over night). My H explained this to his N who said it was 'Thursday or never' - fine her choice but it made me wonder why that day. In the past she has asked to take my DD away but I've said no as they don't have mobiles etc. She then calls me the evening before she's due to look after my D and asks again - I repeat what she has already been told for her to ask why again. Once again I repeat it saying I'm not saying never I'm just saying no this week. To which she says 'well I suggest you find someone else to look after your child then' and hungs up the phone. My H heard all this and he was in just as much shock as I was. So T & F we are left we no child care having to take last minute days off. Not heard a thing all weekend to find out she's been in touch with my H yesterday and wants to arrange a play date with my D and her nursery friend - acting as if nothing has happened. My H won't tell her that what she done was disrespectful nor will he mention the incident to her.

I'm sorry for the long post I'm just at a loss and she is seriously causing such a huge problem with my husband and I and I'm so depressed. She is the cause of our rows and I know it's his N but she constantly over steps boundaries and what you say falls on deaf ears and I just think what's the point any more.

Any advice please from a broken mumma!!

Finfintytint Tue 13-Aug-19 07:10:57

You need to find alternative childcare.

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod Tue 13-Aug-19 07:15:01

As above. You should have made new arrangements as soon as she stopped respecting you as the parents

IggyAce Tue 13-Aug-19 07:20:13

Sorry only solution is to find different child care. If you can’t afford nursery fees then the only choice is for one of you to give up work and care for dcs or change work patterns so you can both share care.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 13-Aug-19 07:22:43

She has as much power as you've allowed her to have.

She knows you can't afford child care so can pretty much do what she likes.

How will you afford child care for 2 dc?

I actually think it's shocking that you've allowed 2 80+ year olds to care for your child full time tbh.

What would you have done if they weren't around? Whatever the answer to that question is, do that instead.

azuldan Tue 13-Aug-19 07:24:05

Find new childcare. If you can't afford it for two children, then would you be better off staying at home with them?

Cobblersandhogwash Tue 13-Aug-19 07:24:11

You do need to find alternative childcare pronto.

MrsMozartMkII Tue 13-Aug-19 07:26:40

Echo the others - you need new childcare.

whyohwhyflowerdear Tue 13-Aug-19 07:30:33

I don't understand why you've continued to send your daughter there if it is causing all this stress and arguments. Don't use them again! Your on maternity leave soon and when will she be starting full time school?

notapizzaeater Tue 13-Aug-19 07:33:26

Have you checked how much childcare costs and how much you could claim back. You really need alternative childcare,

BeanBag7 Tue 13-Aug-19 07:35:00

They started childcare when she was 2.5 and it's been 2.5 years so wont she be starting school in a few weeks and you won't need childcare anyway? Do you qualify for the 30 free hours?

Asking someone to look after your child full time is a huge ask and rarely works out because, yes, they see your child more than you do. It probably wasnt the right choice but you didnt know that at the time. Now you do and can arrange alternative childcare - do not ask them to look after your second one.

MeanMrMustardSeed Tue 13-Aug-19 07:38:40

Agree with previous posters. Why on earth are you still using them? I don’t think an 80+ year old was ever a great idea for childcare.

Fatted Tue 13-Aug-19 07:41:30

Just echoing what everyone else has said, you need paid childcare!

I'm also questioning allowing a couple in their 80s to look after your DC. My parents are PIL are all late 60s, early 70s and would struggle physically to keep up with our kids.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 13-Aug-19 07:43:06

If she's 5,is she not in school or nursery?

Unfortunately, there is no way to resolve this bar arranging new paid for childcare. What the plan with the new baby?

You can care for your older DD when on mat leave so that gives just a short period of time to sort some temp childcare til then

I don't understand why your DD can't go on a sleepover witg then because she is clingy until you go on mat leave? What difference woukd that make to the clinginess? I'm just pointing this out because, in situations like this, clarity of communication is imperative so you must make sure you are very clear when you tell the grandparents that you have decided to pay for childcare and you won't be changing your mind

cranstonmanor Tue 13-Aug-19 07:44:22

Don't ever rely on free childcare. Arrange your own. Don't have more children if you can't afford them. She will keep controlling you as long as she can.

Vivienne1991 Tue 13-Aug-19 07:44:34

She offered to look after our daughter - we didn't ask. At the time fees were almost £700pm. and I wasn't earning a lot and my husband works 12 hour shifts. She had looked after all the other children in the family and as I said you would think there in their 60s. Grandad is a builder and is still on roofs to this day so my husband thought it would be fine. And then the controlling happened. Yes - she does start school in September and yes I'll be on maternity and in reply to the comment about how can I have two children in this situation we are earning more money now so childcare will be an option in the future. I mainly came on here for advice about my husband not saying anything and letting her get away with all sorts. Not an ear bashing about why am I having children if I can't basically afford them.

Vivienne1991 Tue 13-Aug-19 07:49:08

Most of you are so bloody rude! And for someone who has low self-esteem you have been no help!

We don't rely on the 'free child care' it was offered and we accepted.

The clinginess is because I work all day I don't see my child until late and once on maternity leave I'd have her all day so it'll be easier - and quite frankly I am her mum and if I say no then that is my answer. I didn't come on her to be judge and all you 'perfect' mums have done is judge

MsTSwift Tue 13-Aug-19 07:49:29

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Vivienne1991 Tue 13-Aug-19 07:50:04

You are all actually rather nasty!

Nextphonewontbesamsung Tue 13-Aug-19 07:50:24

Just bring it to an end now. They are too old at 85 to be looking after a young child. You and your DP made a poor decision there.

CherryBlu Tue 13-Aug-19 07:52:20

God she sounds a nightmare,
Don't use her for the new baby, sort something else out or you will have four more years of this.
The government do a scheme where they pay £2 for every £8 towards child care, I'm currently in the process of setting my account up.
Your husband should grow a pair but doesn't sound like he will and it's not worth the stress and arguments whilst you are pregnant.
It's her loss

AuntieMarys Tue 13-Aug-19 07:56:02

No one has been rude.

CarrieBlu Tue 13-Aug-19 07:56:30

I can’t see that anyone has been particularly rude or nasty OP. They’re just pointing out the obvious - having 80 year old’s looking after your child was never the best idea in the first place and, if you do choose to use them as free childcare, you either have to learn to let things go a little or decide that it’s not working, and then pay someone else properly to do a proper, regulated job of looking after your DC.

Just because people don’t agree with you, doesn’t make them rude or nasty.

Vasya Tue 13-Aug-19 07:59:08

She sounds like a nightmare. If it's true that you you don't rely on them and could afford alternative childcare then that is your solution. At 85 they are really a bit too old for childcare anyway, so you could use that as an excuse if you want one.

BertrandRussell Tue 13-Aug-19 08:01:24

My mum could have- and did- look after a child when she was 85. The age is not the point.
It’s the telling the OP that she is a bad mother, and in front of her child, that would have been the end for me.

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