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Still a Dad?

(5 Posts)
Aced2roes Sun 28-Jul-19 04:49:11

Never posted before but an avid threat reader so hoping someone can advise.
My situation is quite complex so apologies for the length.

9 years ago I got in to a relationship which a women who was single parent to a 4 year old boy.
He began to refer to me as his Dad (never had contact with bio dad) and we didn’t discuss it but I was happy to take on that role and was absolutely devoted to my family. I was the stay at the parent.

2 years later the relationship ended suddenly. It sounds bizarre but I never fully understood why. Ex had been drinking and it was all so confusing but it was made clear I had to leave.

Having no legal responsibility to DS I didn’t have a right to ask for contact and whilst initially I was assured I would always be his dad after a few weeks I was told ex wanted no contact. Around this time she entered in to a sane sex relationship which I suspected was the real reason for the relationship breakdown.

It was made clear if I contacted her she would seek legal advice.

A few times over the years I tried to contact her regarding some old joint debts that cropped up but no reply ever came.

I assumed DS would’ve forgotten me to be honest. Everyone around me was quite harsh that he wasn’t anything to do with me so I just missed him in secret and pretended I was over it all.

Fast forward to last year and ex gets back in touch upon learning I’ve been quite ill (am fine now).
She’s sorry for a lot of things, claims to have handed things badly etc,

The day she contact me she ends a 6 year relationship.
We start talking again and all my feelings start flooding back but I darent say.

She tells me all about DS and is adamant I’m still his dad and they talk about me often.
She then starts involving me in decisions/telling me about school etc.

She’s very hot and cold for months one min loves me and wants to try again
Next will barely speak

She asks me to visit her and DS so I book the necessary travel and accommodation (500 miles apart)

Then a week before the trip she tells me she never loved me and doesn’t want me in her life
I asked about DS and she told me to leave HER son out of it.

Few weeks later she gets in touch and is sorry. Turns out she’s gotten a new partner and ‘has been confused about her feelings for me’

We keep talking and then she talks to DS who adds in on social media and tells me he still wants me to be his dad (he knows I’m not bio).

For months she’s hot and cold again
Loves me
Doesn’t love me
Wants me/wants her partner

Eventually I tried dating again which she hated. My brief relationship ends, and on the same day so does hers.

Then when I go on another date, she suddenly goes back to her ex.

It goes on like this for months. She’s dating if I am
She’s telling me she loves me then taking it back etc
She’s involving me in DS’s life but he doesn’t say much to me personally (I put that down to bring 14)

Another visit is arranged at her request
She cancels and leaves my life.

All of this then repeated 3 more times.
She wants me
Doesn’t want me
Loves me as a friend, as a partner, never loved me...
Trips are made and cancelled and always it’s left too late for me to not lose payments etc.

Again she has now left my life completely (blocked everything)
And now I don’t know where I stand with DS.

I haven’t heard from him for 6 months only about him via her.

I don’t know how he feels or what he wants I’ve asked but no reply.

I’m not sure if I’m supposed to consider myself to still be his dad or not.
All of this is just breaking my heart

I love them both. DS is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can’t bare to lose him

But I have no right to do anything

After the breakup I reverted to saying I had no kids because people told me I couldn’t say about DS

Ex told me when she got in touch that I did have a son

Now I just don’t know where I stand at all

Am I still a Dad? I can’t just forget him
But at the same time I don’t want to go round saying I’m a father if he doesn’t see it like that anymore,

LonelyTiredandLow Sun 28-Jul-19 05:09:06

A very complicated story!
And one in which you never do any wrong - it is all in fact her fault.

It's clear how you see it, so why need to ask on a mum's forum?

If he wants to get in touch he will. Surely he is nearly old enough to have social media by now? Leave it. It's taken up years of all of your lives to no benefit.

For future reference - you don't have to keep going back to the drama. It doesn't reflect well on you.

SeaEagle21 Sun 28-Jul-19 05:32:59

It's a long story , for sure. So you were a father figure to her son for 2 years from when he was 4 to 6. Then she was with another man for 6 years - no doubt he was a father figure to DS too. Then she contacted you and you've seen DS a few times since then, and he is now 14. To be honest , in your situation I'd stop thinking of him as being your son. He hasn't contacted you at all, even though it would be easy for him to do so. At 14 I wouldn't expect a boy to be wanting to find his mother's old boyfriend and to be close with him again - his mother seems very unstable and going from one man to another. The boy has had other men coming and going in his life - does his mother say they are his father too ?

If the boy wants to see you it would be easy for him to do that. The fact that his mother says he is your son, doesn't make it true. I'd move on and let him decide if he wants to see you.

RubberTreePlant Sun 28-Jul-19 05:43:51

She's crazy and he is (naturally) in his mum's thrall.

She's not going to facilitate a relationship between you and your DSS, he won't pursue one without her blessing and you have no legal rights.

So leave it well alone. She's using the poor kid as bait.

Aced2roes Sun 28-Jul-19 10:47:47

I never said anything was anyone fault. I simply tried to keep to the facts of that had happen, yes from my point of view. But we all only ever see our lives from our own perspective.

I’m sure I do plenty wrong, but as I stated in my first post ex left me to be in a same sex relationship. So we didn’t break up because of my actions.

From that point on when we have had contact my concern is supporting her and DS

No, he hasn’t had other father figures. All of her subsequent partners have been female. What part they plan is his lives has varies but they are never his father figure.

He did contact me himself and tell me I was still his dad and he wanted a relationship with me,
But communication is sparse.

I have a sister of a similar age and she is the same so I don’t think it’s necessary fair to assume that lack of communication from a 14 year old means they don’t want you in their life.

Of course he will come to me if and when he wants to,
But as someone has said, he will likely follow his mother’s lead which means he’ll be just as confused as me.

And you’re correct. I don’t have to go back to any of it.
But just because there is no biology doesn’t mean I love him any less. So of course I will take any change I have to be part of his life

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