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My husband has turned violent

(43 Posts)
personoff Fri 05-Jul-19 09:51:53

My husband took a violent turn last night. He started attacking me for no good reason, I'll try and keep a long story short.
I came home, he was being moody blaming it on my because I was moody ( I wasn't I only asked if he tidied up anything which he didn't and I just left it at that) I asked him to put the baby in his bouncer so I can make dinner. Then he kicked off saying that I was being bossy then proceeded to throw his beer over me ( he barely drinks btw and he wasn't drunk ) so me getting angry at him for doing that, the remaining spittle of beer I splashed at him and told him "it isn't very nice isn't it" ( literally wasn't even enough beer left at all when I did it, like a pinch) he then ran after me started pinning me down and strangling me. He proceed to drag me me by the hair, slap me and throw me about. I told him to leave so he started packing a bag but he didn't leave I woke up this morning to him still here. This isn't the first time but this has been the worst one yet. He won't leave I've tried everything and I don't want to get the police involved. I hate him so much he makes me depressed even my friends and family have noticed a difference in me. I just want him gone and he won't leave me be. I don't know what to do I can't stop crying my depression is getting worse and he thinks we can just forget about it and move on when I'm literally saying to him I hate him and don't want him and I want him to leave he just sits there and doesn't do anything. I'm sorry this is quite long and Thankyou if you read all of this. I'm only 20 feel like my life is over already. Sometimes I think suicide is an easy option but I could never do that to my son. I'll try my best and keep strong for him. I just needed to put this somewhere as I feel like I'm going to explode. I needed a release. I want my old life back while keeping my son. I feel like that's never going to happen that I'm trapped. Trapped with a man who thinks I'm nothing and even did this to me while I was pregnant. I'm not sure if anyone has any advice for this because I know we should separate ( which we kinda already are over he just won't leave the house ) I just want to know is there any way possible I can get him to leave for good without getting the authority's involved? I don't want them involved and I don't want my family and friends to know my business. I just want us to quietly separate and move on with our lives. I think we are both bad for each other. We bring out each other's worse bits and I truly believe we will be Better people without one another. He's no good for me and believe me I can be a bitch too and I know that I'm jealous and sometimes a bit controlling which I am wrong to do so and I tell him that I have issues that I'm trying to deal with ( most stems from my past and I'm currently in therapy) so I know I'm not the angel in this relationship but I'm not a violent person. I grew up with violence and don't want my son too also. I'm sorry again that this is so long. Thankyou if you read all of this.

Catalicious Fri 05-Jul-19 09:53:11

Oh love. You really need to call the police. Why don't you want to get them involved?

theunrivalledjoysofparenting Fri 05-Jul-19 09:55:20

Why don't you want to go to the police? You should.

If he has got to the stage of strangling you, he could kill you the next time. And then what would happen to your dc?

Please go to the police. And ring Women's Aid. And tell your family what is happening. They will want to support you.

Re him not moving out, do you own your home or are you renting? Is the house in joint names?

You are very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't be scared to accept help to get this violent bully out of your home and life.

Nicolamarlow1 Fri 05-Jul-19 09:56:39

I'm sorry this is happening to you. He isn't going to get any better and may get worse. If he won't leave, is there anywhere you can go? Your mum's? You need to start a new life without this man.

Livpool Fri 05-Jul-19 09:56:56

Get out with your DC before he kills you

Apolloanddaphne Fri 05-Jul-19 09:58:12

This time he violently assaults you. The next time he kills you. Then where would that leave your DS? You need to call the police and report this. They will make him leave and hopefully ensure you are protected. Failing that maybe contact Woman's Aid for support and advice?

TheJoxter Fri 05-Jul-19 09:59:29

Why on earth don’t you want the police involved?

TheJoxter Fri 05-Jul-19 09:59:59

Better that they’re involved now and dealing with domestic violence rather than later and dealing with murder

OurChristmasMiracle Fri 05-Jul-19 10:02:11

Oh OP you sound like I did at a similar age to you. I did eventually leave him. But not until after so much damage had been done to me.

Please leave. If you don’t want to call the police call women’s aid. You need to get away from him now. It won’t get better. It will only get worse.

It may be worth watching “murdered by my boyfriend” on bbc iPlayer.

He sounds like he’s conditioned you into thinking you are a “bitch” and he only reacts like this because of the way you approach him - honestly you can be less moody/accusatory whatever it wouldn’t stop the violence. The only thing that will is you leaving. He will probably say he’s sorry that he’s changed etc and for a while he will appear to have- it won’t last though

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin Fri 05-Jul-19 10:02:35

Police.
That piece of shit could kill you one day.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken Fri 05-Jul-19 10:05:35

At the very least get a friend to take photos of any marks or bruising.

thenightsky Fri 05-Jul-19 10:05:35

For goodness sake, why would you not call the police if someone tried to kill you? shock And I'm pretty sure strangulation is close to attempted murder.

personoff Fri 05-Jul-19 10:10:53

I don't want to get police involved because I'm scared of social work. I have never needed one for my own son but I grew up in and out of care homes and I just don't want any social work involved in my life. The house is mine and it's in my name.

We aren't "together" he just lives here basically and when he does leave he's back the same day, since I've took his spare keys he hasn't left because he knows I won't let him back in. He has left today though he's now at work so I am going to pack up all his things and I'm hoping and praying he will leave when he gets back. I can't stay with any family as there's no room for me atm. I did threaten him with police last night but he told me he was going to kill himself and I was convinced that he would the way he was acting. I don't him to milk himself I just want him to leave and move on with his life and become a better person. He has so much potential with his career and he could make the right person happy, he just needs to get his anger under control and we do need to separate but he can't see it that way. He says he hates me too but he won't leave which I don't understand 😞

theunrivalledjoysofparenting Fri 05-Jul-19 10:28:52

Right, that's good that you own the home.

Change the locks today when he's out and put his stuff on the doorstep. Can you ask some friends to come round when you expect him home from work, so they can support you?

He won't kill himself. This is what a lot of abusive men say when they feel they have lost control of their partner. He's just following a script.

Concentrate on you and your dc. Don't worry about him.

The police will not get social services involved just because you're involved with a violent man - especially because you want him to leave. They could help you.

Do you still have a social worker from when you were in care? if so, could they help?

slapmyarseandcallmemary Fri 05-Jul-19 10:32:15

Him threatening to kill himself is him trying to control you. It's selfish. I hope he leaves quietly, but better to involve the police now, before he kills you.

TheJoxter Fri 05-Jul-19 10:34:34

Get the locks changed while he’s at work

glitterfarts Fri 05-Jul-19 10:38:04

He is very likely to kill you if he has strangled you - there are studies, which show a 600% more likely to be killed if he strangles you.
Call the police. Have him removed and get a restraining order. They will flag your house so if you need to ring police, they prioritise you.

You NEED to call the police - this will also prevent him being able to take your baby away.
His abuse will be on record. The police will help keep you safe.
Social services won't be interested if you are leaving an abusive man, only if you are staying!

Please don't underestimate how dangerous he is. Please tell someone.

Whosorrynow Fri 05-Jul-19 10:44:38

The reason he won't leave it's because he likes to control and dominate you it makes him feel Powerful, I agree with everyone else that this man is dangerous and you do need to involve the police

Giraffeinabox Fri 05-Jul-19 10:47:18

Please please please call womens aid. Theyre great.
The police would have helped last night but i dont think they can get him to leave if he lives there.
Social services have been great with SIL who went through the same. They wont remove your child as youve done nothing wrong at all. You are protecting your child and they will help you do that. Youve done so well with what youve told him so far. Please call womens aid or family or friends to help you xx

cakeandchampagne Fri 05-Jul-19 10:56:14

Call the police!

What would your life be like if he killed your baby?

Who will protect your baby from him if he kills you?

Whosorrynow Fri 05-Jul-19 11:00:56

OP, you say that you are 20 years old and you own your own home, that suggests to me that you're a very ambitious and hard-working person, your life is not over you can get through this and come out the other side
people on here will help you

XXVaginaAndAUterus Fri 05-Jul-19 11:03:01

He won't kill himself.

He might well kill you.

If not for yourself then for the safe future of your son, change the locks today, leave his bag outside and call the police and as many friends over as you can. Tell your neighbours.

Sarahjconnor Fri 05-Jul-19 11:07:05

Call the police, tell them the situation and ask them to ensure he does not return. You are at very high risk op. Men who strangle and chick are the most likely to kill their wife. You must end this now.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies Fri 05-Jul-19 11:24:12

Whosorry I would think OP means she is in rented social housing; as a care leaver she would get priority

As a care leaver you should be able to access support from typical authority (I think you should have a named advisor, but in practice you may not).

As your family are unable to help I suggest you approach your contact for non judgemental advice and guidance? The contact details should be in your leaving care plan.

personoff Fri 05-Jul-19 11:35:26

It is my own house from the council as when I left care I was still pretty young and went back to my mother (who is my rock) and I don't want to tell her any of this because it will break her heart and I don't want any arguments. So I don't have a social worker in my Life at all not since I was around 8. (Wasn't my mums fault I was there it was my dads)

I've called someone to change the locks so that's happening today. I'll still need to let him in when he comes back to take his stuff as I can't lift them I'm not the biggest of persons I'm quite small and fragile. Does the police offer like an escort officer that just basically comes and escorts the person out of the property? I don't want to press charges or anything just need him to leave (that's if he refuses to leave again )

I want him to leave now especially since my LO is only 10 weeks old so it's better to get all this separation business over with sooner so he doesn't have to go through that and plus I'm not sure how much more I can take mentally. I'll be talking to my therapist more about this to help, and hopefully get back on track with my university course and work. Currently work full time but going to go part time For studying. I want to do so much with my life for my son I just need his father to leave so I don't have him dragging me down emotionally and literally. Thankyou everyone that's replied for your support and messages. I really appreciate it as I really don't want to talk to my family about this. I will call the police if her refuses to leave and I've already called about the locks.not sure what else I can do now but wait.

itslateandiminmypyjamas Fri 05-Jul-19 11:42:58

Op ss won't take your baby away because your partner is violent. You are protecting her by reporting him. You will need the police records to help fight him and keep him away. Ss are much more likely to be concerned if you stay with a violent man. And what happens if he kills you? Where does that leave your dd?

Please make sure the police are there when he comes to collect his stuff. As pp has pointed out a man who tries to strangle you is very dangerous person.

purpleboy Fri 05-Jul-19 11:44:12

Don't let him inside the house under any circumstances, he will not leave and you might not get the chance to phone the police if he is violent to you again. Pack a bag with essentials in for him. Leave it on the doorstep and go out when he is due to return home. Leave him a note telling him he can pick up the rest of his stuff at a pre arranged time when you have other people there to support and protect you.
Phone the police and report him so it is all logged. The police will not involve SS if you are trying to get him out.

itslateandiminmypyjamas Fri 05-Jul-19 11:44:19

Op how will you call police if he's attacking you? You must have someone there. Please reach out to someone in real life.

Whosorrynow Fri 05-Jul-19 11:44:37

OP, my apologies for misunderstanding your situation, it's very good that you have the strong Foundation of a secure home in your own name.
You have grit girl, you have coped with a lot at a very young age that's one reason this dreadful man doesn't want to let go.... he wants to use your power and strengths for his own advantage.
I don't have in-depth knowledge of these situations so can only give general advice, keeping a detailed log of everything that happens is usually a very good idea.

Fibbke Fri 05-Jul-19 11:46:04

Do you want your dc to grow up thinking this is how relationships work? Change the locks and call the police next time.

Whosorrynow Fri 05-Jul-19 11:47:02

I agree with everyone else do not allow him in your house, your house is your sanctuary your safe place do not let him 'pollute' it

Mummaofmytribe Fri 05-Jul-19 11:47:33

Ring the police. They won't set social services on you because you are actually safeguarding your baby by reporting this man. Tell your mum. Do NOT be alone with this man. He could kill you. Think of the baby. Be brave. Ring them now.

Whosorrynow Fri 05-Jul-19 11:49:37

You clearly have a big fear of getting the authorities involved, he will know that this fear works in his favour and my guess is that he has tried to focus your mind on this fear and amplify it?

Fibbke Fri 05-Jul-19 11:52:18

Please tell your mum. Do you think she will help you?

newmomof1 Fri 05-Jul-19 11:54:22

OP call the police, please. As others have said, eventually he'll kill you, and then your DS will have to grow up in the same way you did - the exact thing you're trying to protect him from.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies Fri 05-Jul-19 12:03:24

As you have such a close relationship with your mum, please consider confiding in her.

She may be shocked and saddened, but as you are so close she will know something is wrong, and could be a wonderful source of strength and support.

justaminiit Fri 05-Jul-19 12:06:57

Call a shelter if you don't want to call the cops. I really don't like cops but that might be your only way of keeping this violent dangerous man away from your babies and yourself.

MoreHairyThanScary Fri 05-Jul-19 12:40:50

Agree with other posters, having his violence on record will help you going forward. If you don't it is just your word against his.

The police should support you,

Do you have a friend or similar to hell you clear his stuff from the property? If he does not need to come back in he won't be able to stay...

personoff Fri 05-Jul-19 19:38:25

Just to update everyone:

He came back we had a calm like discussion and I told him he has to leave or I will get the authorities involved and he agreed to pack his stuff and go. He picked the stuff he needs for now and he's left and he's going to get someone to collect the rest of his stuff.
I had a friend with me at the time.

I feel so relieved and 10x happier already.

Thankyou for all of your support everyone you have helped me a lot ❤️ I will talk to my mum about it but I'm still not sure about telling her the whole truth, I just don't want everyone or even family knowing - not yet anyway. Thanks again ❤️

personoff Fri 05-Jul-19 19:42:21

Oh and just about getting the authorities involved - I have never really had any good experience with them and haven't met an officer that was supportive in anyway and plus all I've heard from other people with police and social services has been negative and I just have a fear of them watching me like a hawk with my baby - even though I have nothing to hide and my baby is perfectly healthy and safe it's just a fear I have, I know some
Of the social workers that work in my area and they aren't exactly the nicest and I have witnesses them lying about stuff regarding my friends And that so I don't trust them that much. If he does come back I will call the police though as I don't want to be alone with him again.

forsucksfake Fri 05-Jul-19 19:52:23

He is going to kill you and leave your child motherless. I have been through this with my own sister so I know of what I speak. Talk to your family and friends and anyone in real life who will support you. You cannot do this alone. You need support to stay alive and safe for your child. The fact that you are able to go to sleep after being strangled tells me that you have normalized this madness to some extent. This is insane and you and your child are in grave danger. I am really sorry you have had such negative experiences with social services and the police, but surely they cannot be any worse than a man who is trying to kill you. I am terrified for you and your son.

newmomof1 Fri 05-Jul-19 20:06:06

I am glad you were strong and he was reasonable - well done OP

Nicksmama Sat 13-Jul-19 01:37:59

I've been in your shoes. You have to just leave. I stopped reading after u said it wasn't the first time because at the start I said he hit u for no good reason. No reason is ever good enough for someone to get physical with u. Go to your mums or family give him a week to leave and say "if u don't I will have to involve the police and you know I don't want to do that ". If he doesn't do as asked then u must follow through. He already knows he's able to abuse and manipulate u don't forget that for a second. The best thing for that baby is to see you happy. Not in an abusive relationship.

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