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so i either go or I don't..

(23 Posts)
shhhh Thu 05-Jul-07 14:36:53

I have been asked on a hen weekend in this county BUT around a 6 hours drive away. The girls are positive it will only take around 3 hours but im not so sure .

Now the problem is that ds is only 5 months old and has been ill since birth, this has resulted in him having a stoma fitted (baby colostomy) which is due for reversal the end of next month.
Only a handfull of friends and family know about this and the girls who's hen night it is doesn't mainly because I don't feel the need to tell her personal info iykwim.
She knows ds is/has been ill BUT she is also making me feel guilty about not attending her weekend.

Friends going on the hen weekend have decided to travel down saturday morning and to return sunday night BUT im still not 100%.

Reasons: Im a sahm so I know exactly how tiring,time consuming,hard work it is with ds and changing his stoma bag/feeds etc and im a pro at it (!lol)..but still its hard work. We also have dd who is 2 and although im used to the pair of them I know how hard it will be for dh.

DH is all for me going but he knows I will worry about him and that I will miss the 3 of them..Yeah yeah I know the break will do me good but im a worrier..Now..dh has suggested we all go on this hen weekend BUT I spend the day (saturday..we will travel friday night so im ready for when other arrive on saturday am) with the girls as usual and go out as usual at night BUT it means im local for dh should he need me and at least I am free to help in the morning and at night iykwim.
BTW dh isn't the type to just call me when he's had enough..only tends to shout if its desperate.

Now none of the girls know this suggestion but I have just spoken to the "hen" and happened to drop this idea into the conversation...I can tell she wasn't happy by the fact that she never commented and the fact that she suggested DH has the lo's more often and maybe dd should go to nannas.! DD has NEVER stayed over at either grandparents and Im not starting now..

So my plans are to either go and take my family or not go at all.....

Whats so bad with this..?

littlelapin Thu 05-Jul-07 14:42:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WigWamBam Thu 05-Jul-07 14:42:20

If your friend knew the whole situation about the nature of your ds' illness, maybe she would be more understanding.

I think you should tell her, silly misunderstandings can lead to real problems within friendships and it would be a shame for this woman to take umbrage simply because she doesn't know the whole story.

You don't have to go into details, but maybe letting her know that there's more going on than meets the eye would allow her to meet you half way with regard to taking the family - or allow her to be more understanding if you decide not to go.

Cappuccino Thu 05-Jul-07 14:44:32

no the woman cannot tell you what to do

your dh is being v supportive and then she suggests that he should have them more often

god I hate hen weekends

I would say to anyone even contemplating one not to go

so don't take any notice of me

mumto3girls Thu 05-Jul-07 14:46:24

would you still be fully taking part in the hen weekend?

if so I can't see what the problem is ( and hats off to your hubby for being prepared to do this)
Perhaps your friend is mistaknly misreading the situation and thinking your dh is being pushy and suspicious of you and not letting you have a weekend to yourself...?

Tell her the truth about ds2.

JodieG1 Thu 05-Jul-07 14:48:40

I wouldn't go at all in those circumstances and I wouldn't be that far away from the dc's when they're 5 months really either. I couldn't leave my ds2 6 months as I'm bf anyway but I couldn't leave him overnight.

shhhh Thu 05-Jul-07 14:51:57

thanks for sharing my option wwb & ll. My friend knows that ds is still ill and knoews that he's due another operation and today I did say that during the week I have nurses etc to help and that he requires medical treatment but I could still sense her annoyance.

Thing is 2 of the others going know about ds and i know for a fact that these will feel the same..one who has a lo (same age as dd)is very much of the attitude "leave dh to it..it will do him good to struggle" iykwim. (They think im to ott with the lo's care etc.)BUT thats not me.. Im not a martyr BUT I don't really want it to be all on dh..given the fact that he goes out to work naturally its fallen on me to do most of ds's care. DH does and will help out when home but for something that takes dh 30 mins to do..it takes me 10..!

But like you said, noone else has a sick lo and I suppose who are they to comment. Noone else lol has 2 lo's.!

I would love to take dh secetly BUT they would suss it as it would mean me driving down alone and staying at a different hotel..They have got rooms booked and a free space for me to share should I decide to go. Like you said ll, I don't see the issue and theres no way dh would join it.! In fact he would love to spend the day with ds & dd and just him!

BTW you are right, the hen doesn't have any lo's .

littlelapin Thu 05-Jul-07 14:54:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KezzaG Thu 05-Jul-07 15:00:23

situations like this make me laugh, when other people expect you to feel comfortable parenting in the same way they would. I would not have left ds when he was 5 months even if he hadnt been ill, and the simple reason would be that I didnt want to.

I think your option of dh going is an excellent one, and if your friend cant see that then I would be a little annoyed if I was you.

there is no point going if you wont enjoy it, your ds and his health come first.

shhhh Thu 05-Jul-07 15:14:22

aww thanks...

Know what, I had the same conversation with dh a few weeks ago. I know these girls through dh as they are his mates wags and in turn I have become friends with them..I have always felt the one that they "commented on", long before the lo's arrived...
Silly things from having a "set of boobs" to "being house proud" and once the lo's arrived I felt that things escalated.

Im not in competition BUT between themselves it was who's lo was walking first or talking first etc and tbh I tried to keep out of it. BUT im a sahm and they are wm's (which is fine by me but somehow they feel the need to pass judgement)and there is sadly even more of a divide. They feel that I need to "get out more" and they feel im mad for being with the lo's 24/7 and that dd has never stayed over with gp's etc. Its all individual choice but they seem so opinionated and its as though their way of life and bringing up the lo's is the best.
I get comments on how it will help dd to be at a nursery etc.

I suddenly decide enough is enough about a month ago at a soft play area local to me. Just snide comments about them wanting another lo and how easy it is etc. How they love work, I just felt looked down upon. DD when we are out won't really eat food unless I have prepared it and even that was commented on...
I just feel that socially im growing apart from them and I know I may sound snobby BUT I have had enough. Suppose the hen weekend is making even more issues come to light.

DH is friends with their dh/dp so suppose its hard for him but he backs me 100% and even feels the same with his mates.

Suppose im just tired of them looking down on me...

I run my life how I want to. Not how someone else thinks I should.

For them, if they were in our situation I'm sure they would leave the lo with gp's and go off for the weekend.

shhhh Thu 05-Jul-07 15:16:34

kezzag, thing is the 2 sets of couples in our group left their lo's with gp's at around 2 months old to enable them to go out...
DD was not left till she was well over 10 months and dh & I went out for a meal for...oh..all of 2 hours.!...

littlelapin Thu 05-Jul-07 15:16:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlelapin Thu 05-Jul-07 15:17:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KezzaG Thu 05-Jul-07 15:18:54

Well it sounds to me like thats the hen night decision made

I did my partying before ds came along, and if I feel up to it I will do it again when he (and any others) want to stay overnight with friends/gp's etc.

Just think how sore your feet would be if you went out clubbing all weekend!

KezzaG Thu 05-Jul-07 15:20:04

Oh, ds stayed overnight with gp's when he was 2. They had to send me a text photo when he fell asleep He has done twice more now but only because he has actually asked to.

mumto3girls Thu 05-Jul-07 15:22:40

my dd3 is 2.2 years and has never been left overnight ...in fact only my mum or dp's mum have ever come to our house to babysit...

mylittlestar Thu 05-Jul-07 15:23:08

I guess it comes down to whether you want to go?

If you think you'll have a nice time, then the idea of your family all going is great and good on your dh for being so supportive.
He will cope, as you know, he'll be close by so your time away from them will be less, and he will get the day with the dc all to himself... and you may have a good time with the girls.

But if you don't like them and would rather be with your family, then don't feel bad about saying no!

littlelapin Thu 05-Jul-07 15:24:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shhhh Thu 05-Jul-07 15:33:00

lol at cleaning the oven..!!

Gosh, im so glad at you agreeing with me..tbh was expecting others to have other views as tbh I felt like it was me who was reading things wrong iykwim.
BUT I don't think I have been. DH my il's and parents think they are jealous but suppose I never thought of it like that...

TBH we have had gp's look after dd when dh & I have gone out togther BUT if either of us wanted a night out with friends (usually dh out with the lads) then the other stays in with dd & ds simple as...

ATM I couldn't even think of going out for the night which dd or ds stayed out..AND like you both, when gp's have looked after dd its always been done here and numerous calls have been made to check on them.!

LL, its nice to have someone in the same boat so to speak. Sometimes I just feel that im the outcast in the group and its as though I have no opinions or views (according to them) and that all I will want to do all night is talk babies babies babies. In fact I went out a month or so ago and they actually bored me...<yawn>

Suppose I wanted to do the hen night to show my face etc..wedding invite..?! getting married in Grenta so no invite and the evening do is 2 months later . DH & I have already discussed it and don't think we will be attending it anyway. Mainly because ds will be around 7 months old and theres noway I will leave him that young.

frapachino Thu 05-Jul-07 15:38:14

I wouldn't go and I wouldn't feel guilty!

littlelapin Thu 05-Jul-07 15:40:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shhhh Thu 05-Jul-07 15:44:13

btw, forgot to add..they feel I should leave the lo's with dh as hes due to go away on the blokes stag do abroard...

Thing is I don't feel its the same situation...its not as though im being left with the 2 lo's without any prior experience iykwim. I have enough doing it day in day out.!

Some days dh works down sounth so im alone over night with the lo's, like I said, im a pro at it.!

IMO they are quite immature with their views and opinions.

shhhh Thu 05-Jul-07 15:45:24

maternity nurse..!! .

PFB,Gosh I have cleaned the oven with dd (pfb) in the house a few times..does that make me a bad mother.. ...

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