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Domestic violence and abuse

37 replies

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 05:25

I'm 39 and 6 ft 1....I'm 17 stone and I'm a single dad to 3 young children. I split with my wife at her request. I'm now ashamed and embarrassed to finally admit, I have been the victim of domestic abuse. The thing that truly hurts the most and is still the hardest part to admit openly (hence the anonymous post)... I still feel like I have love for her...that somehow it'll all be a mistake...I hate myself and ashamed for my emotion to betray me, when I know full well what she has done to me. I'm ashamed because I know the lengths my friends and family came to my aid...The utterly disgraceful actions she has done...And I feel like part of me is screaming through sound proof glass at myself.....let go...don't look back....keep going....and then after a few days..my heart betrays me and I'm hurting again...What do I do??

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penisbeakers · 13/09/2018 05:29

This is what domestic abuse does to you. It makes you doubt everything about yourself, everything.

You're not alone in this, it absolutely destroys victims. Perhaps if you talk about it with us we might be able to help you process things better.

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 05:34

It's real easy for people to not understand how this happens or why you tolerate being treated this way.... Its easy to say just leave... Wtf are you doing.... Or tell you what's happening for you to literally defend the abuse. It builds over time... Small things you think OK I can work on that... Something that they probably are right to say... Or complain about... Then.. Things they shouldn't complain about but again only small.. And as a reasonable partner you again try and accommodate. Even though you know the small thing is ridiculous... But if it keeps the peace so what... And again over time these things increase... And your accommodation increases almost unnoticed by you... Over a couple of years the requests are outrageous.. You raise concerns to friends and family and their reaction suggests you are at fault... Because little do you know.. Behind your back your character has been utterly destroyed by lies... You raise a concern and the feedback is literally "don't be controlling".... You then look at yourself as the problem... After that the real head games start... Oblivious to what had been said to those around you... How you have been utterly destroyed and you assume that everyone can't be wrong... You're left alone to face mentally catastrophic abuse.... Until one day.... True friends come forward....the abuser has gone too far.... And those closest to you... That truly love you.... That know you best... Question the lies they've been told... And in a quiet room... Away from anyone that now thinks you're a monster.... You discover the truth.... And it feels embarrassing and shameful.... And the worst part... Whilst it was happening.... You'd have died to protect the abuser not just from verbal put downs but literally put your life on the line to save someone that you were madly in love with....... I still suffer with guilt. and shame and embarrasment

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Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 05:45

On nights out she told me her friends really didn't like me being round. I couldn't understand what I'd done and felt like it was really underhand and childish they'd approached my wife to tell me rather than just come and talk to me. I resented them after a while and would cool my character and personality around them.. Of course I'd been told a lie. So now, I appear slightly off and rude for no reason which lays the foundation for the next lies that come... He's really controlling and just suddenly turns aggressive.. Well I'm a big chap and those lies fit in with the way I've suddenly changed in attitude to people ..from their point of view for no reason...And as that type of lie permeates round family and social circles the real fun begins.. No-one has time for you...just in case you turn nasty..In those moments of pleasent interaction I walk away confused thinking well they didn't seem to have aproblem....then the lie...please keep away from them..they really don't like you....suddenly the world is full of enemies and for unknown reasons other than it must be me??

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Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 05:50

Then, once at your lowest. Once everyone thinks your a bit of a loose cannon.......Once you look like an aggressive horrible man....That never mixes with anyone because he hates everyone for no reason......

.... A false rape claim.

It truly broke me as a human

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Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 05:54

Prior to that...After the birth of our third child...we worried because she didn't take well to any of the contraceptives on offer...Well no women I loved would be put under the knife...no way...I got the snip..Don't worry hun, the risk is far lower for a man...

I now know she let me do that whilst messaging another man and planning to have me removed from the family home...and yet watched me walk into hospital thinking I was doing right by my wife...Even the neighbours had heard what she was planning but were worried how I'd react...Again her lies had done the job.

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namechangefaila · 13/09/2018 05:55

I think you need professional support - women’s aid in my area has male coubsellors for male victims. I urge you to get in touch with them

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:01

In the 16 months that followed the day I left, my beautiful children met 14 different men. One of which the Police invoked clairs law because he posed a risk to the children.

Her friends and family stood by and watched..almost applauded because of course she had escaped the panto villain...me...

I watched from a distance my beautiful wife treated like a an old dish cloth by a string of scumbags...it made me think ...I must have been an abuser like they said I was...

My closest friends and family sat me down. I would not listen..surely not...she's ill or something...she's not thinking right...it's my fault....

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cordeliavorkosigan · 13/09/2018 06:03

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. It is NOT your fault.

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:05

When CAFCASS became involved....And a professional explained what had been going on to me......Behind closed doors....I hung my head in sorrow and shame.....

I absolutely fucking hate you...not for what you did to me...for what you took from the children they deserved.

How could you???? How ?? I'll never understand it.......And if my heart ever betrays me towards you again, I'll think of the night my eldest son asked me not to let his mummy introduce him to strangers....

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Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:06

Thoughts???

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cordeliavorkosigan · 13/09/2018 06:09

I think you need real life support. I really hope that you find it and that you always have a strong relationship with your children.

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:12

I just don't understand why? Why you would you do that to a person that gave you everything...What do you gain out of it??

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Josiebloggs · 13/09/2018 06:16

I'm sorry you went through this, the person you feel you love never existed, it was just part of the manipulation.
Look up the freedom project online, it can be enlightening when you realise they are all the same.
There are domestic abuse lines for men you can find details online, it may help you to speak with one.

ScabbyBabby · 13/09/2018 06:28

I still can't work out exactly what she has done in terms of domestic abuse towards you.

She cheated?

What things was she asking you to do that were unreasonable?

There's not much real substance to your writing it's all your emotions and you sound upset that she has moved on which is understandable but as you're no longer together she can date who she likes and that's none of your business.

You can still have a meaningful relationship with your children and you need to focus on them in all this. How often are you seeing them?
Are things amicable between you and their mum when you pick them up?

I definitely think you need counselling.

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:29

I've just signed up to a recovery programme a few minutes ago.. I think just facing up to what has happened and putting it out there has give me the kick I needed...

I have to admit..I feel like crying...Just finally accepting that it was an act...Those moments where I thought I found bliss was nothing more than a blag....

I carried her from the delivery room and bathed her after the birth of each of our children....And although some of those moments possibly meant something....The fact that some of the happiest days of my life have been cast into doubt and tarnished.......That she may have literally felt nothing and watched me burst with pride and love with nothing more than a slightly bemused feeling....

.I can not describe the turmoil within..desperate not to think the worst........

I'm a fool....with a broken spirit and a dysfunctional heart....

One second hand human for sale....sold as seen.. no returns...

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Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:31

The children live with me. I have full custody due to some of the items I have left out of this thread....It's not something I wish to put in the public domain.

Since 2015 all the above is described by the Police guidelines as abuse..

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ScabbyBabby · 13/09/2018 06:38

You said you the day you left, in the months that followed your children met 14 men or something along those lines so you haven't always had custody I presume. You trusted her enough to leave your children with her?

I understand what domestic abuse is, I know emotional and verbal is all included, but I still can't see it in your thread. I'm not asking you to say anything you don't want to say. It sounds like your main concern is her meeting men. If the children live with you now why do you care what men she dates?

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:41

Manipulation, isolation, falsehoods and false allegations are all listed as domestic violence since 2015.

It's a little naughty to think that this was about her moving on when introducing 14 men into the house to meet the children...In 16 months??

Am I wrong to think that that is wrong?

I fully understand that she is entitled do conduct herself how ever she chooses. We are not together and it is none of my business who she chooses to mix with or date etc....but surely it is my business when the children are involved? And her behaviour becomes irresponsible.....When Police them selves are calling you to say your children are at risk...Do i not act?

At no stage did I confront her or these men..yes there were terse conversations at times....but again I was aware of us being apart.. But in the end when does it stop? When is it unacceptable?

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continuallychargingmyphone · 13/09/2018 06:43

You gave your height and your weight and the inference was very much that you had suffered physical violence.

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:44

When we first split..I did leave the children with her..When I started to discover what had been going on in the years before..because the lengths that she had gone to ..to smear my character and lie was extrodinary...Then I went to court.

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Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:46

I did a few times...I gave my height and weight because in the end those things were useless against what was predominantly mental abuse..

The point being....Despite all my physical strength and presence..I counted for nothing...

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Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 06:52

I am a little taken aback at the response of not seeing any abuse...

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BoneyBackJefferson · 13/09/2018 07:00

Unfortunately there will be quite a few people that you come across that will not see any abuse.

Singledadshame · 13/09/2018 07:06

Am I wrong?

I mean she told people I was having her followed, phones tapped, just turning up unannounced...sleeping in a treehouse watching the house..
Hacking into accounts...all of which were false...

This can't be right surely

I faced threats, due to these lies..

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junebirthdaygirl · 13/09/2018 07:07

The terrible sad thing here is he has found your weak spot and goes straight for it everytime. There is nothing wrong with finishing school early. Its no sign of intelligence to sta. Just life circumstances.
What he is doing is the same as a child having a limp and the school bully tripping him up every time he goes past. If you saw that happening you would be shocked and think what a nasty bully.
We all have weak points but thankfully most people don't discover them and kick us right there where it really hurts. I would rather be " thick" that be a horrible piece of work who kicked someone right where their wound is.
First get very clear in your head what he is doing. See him as he is. Then, one step at a time decide what to do.

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