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Husband is abusive

(7 Posts)
Mbshell Wed 14-Feb-18 10:24:49

Hi I’m new and I’m not sure where to start. I have been with my husband since we were 18 we have 5 amazing children together, one being mine from a previous relationship.

We have been together 16 years, happily for the majority. Last year randomly my husband started making little remarks about how many people I’d slept with before I met him. I’ve always been honest from the word go, maybe too much information was shared but I didn’t want to hide anything. I’ve always been 100% faithful dispite being a bit of a wild teen. Shamefully I lost my virginity at 14 and by the time I’d met my husband at 18 I’d slept with 12 people. I used to get drunk a lot and swap my boyfriends back then frequently. Plus a few one night stands. I never really thought anything of it as all the girls I used to knock about with were all the same, some being worse.

However my husband has started to continuously bring up my past and make me feel really low about them choices. He said he’s asked all the lads at work and they all said that 12 at that age was far too much and their wives and girlfriends had only been with around 5 and he now felt that was a much more acceptable number. I’ve tried to reassure myself that this is his problem in his head and I hadn’t done anything wrong but when he continues to bring it up or not speak to me for a week because he’s bumped into one of my ex’s in town, it starts to take its toll.

Some days I’ve felt so low about this that I haven’t wanted to leave the house, he made me feel like I’m the biggest slut going and I’m disgusting. It’s not as if I can change my past is it?

I wouldn’t be so bothered if he was an angel himself, I’ve recently found out that he’s spend thousands of pounds on online gambling, about 3 years ago randomly he started taking cocaine on nights out then I caught him having it delivered to our house whilst me and my children were asleep in bed. I obviously threw him out back then and then supported him through counciling as he got diagnosed with clinical depression. But where do I go from here.

Someone please tell me it’s not normal for him to do this to me is it? I can’t help or change my past! I feel that he literally has something wrong with his brain, if I throw back at him the terrible things he’s done to us over the last three years, he gets defensive and asks me why do I stay with him then. I tell him I love him and have tried desperately to sort this out. He promises he won’t mention it again and a few weeks will pass and I get optimistic then he will bring it up again! I’m literally at the end of my tether with it and him! angry

thethoughtfox Wed 14-Feb-18 10:29:58

This is not normal or reasonable or fair. He sounds like he has his own demons and he has hooked on to this as something that makes you ' bad' so he can berate you. He will sounds bitter and wants to deflect away from his own failings. You are the wonderful woman who you are now because of your life experiences. Don't apologies for this. Don't let him muddy the waters and cast you as the bad guy. Dig around a little: he may be taking cocaine and this is a result of him being paranoid or he is gambling or cheating.

thethoughtfox Wed 14-Feb-18 10:31:57

Just reread your post: if you recently found about his gambling, this makes sense. He is deflecting and is trying to paint you as the bad guy and trying to convince you that you have done something just as bad as him so you can't get mad at him. This is worryingly immature. If he doesn't take responsibility for g=his gambling, he may not stop.

Mbshell Wed 14-Feb-18 10:39:20

Thank you. I do believe that he has only got this on me, so he uses it to beat me with to probably justify his bad behaviour. I literally don’t claim to be perfect, but I have been a good wife. I’ve supported him time and time again mainly because he never used to be the way that he is now, he was an amazing husband and father for many years.

I’ve tried to be compassionate when I’ve thought that all of his bad behaviour has come from depression as I too have suffered with mental illness. Not depression but crippling anxiety and panic attacks when my babies were little. I’m wondering if he has developed some kind of ocd regarding my sexual past, as he won’t stop asking others about their opinions on what is an acceptable or unacceptable amount. Etc. All I know is he is making me ill, I’m actually starting to feel depressed myself. This then has an impact on my kids. We literally can not stop fighting. I’m no door mat and I refuse to let him disrespect me or mug me off. I just feel like I’m going round and round in circles with it all. When we do make up I often brace myself for another argument which is sad! sad

0norris0 Sun 04-Mar-18 07:22:39

I am not sure if this counts as abuse and I am not getting over this. I was put on medication approx 4 yrs ago that makes me sleep at night extremely deeply. I woke up one morning to a pain in my vagina like bruising, my pj bottoms were on the floor and i instantly knew that my Stbx had sex with me. I asked him and he laughed it off. This continued for months until I told him in anger that what he was doing was rape. I moved out of the bedroom and stayed in the spare room. He stopped talking to me and for two years we lived separately before he upped and left. What I would like to know is was it rape? It makes me feel sick and disgusted with myself and I can’t get pass these feelings. Can someone help please?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Sun 04-Mar-18 07:39:31

Yes it is Onorris, but respectfully id suggest starting your own thread.
Op, he should not be discussing your past with his (narrow minded) workmates. I think I'd have stock phrases to repeat ad infinitum (to yourself too) Like, "it's none of their business. Stop talking about me to them" and "It's in the past, it can't be changed. If you are unhappy about who I am now, then off you go, because I am not changing." He's doing it to wind you up. Obvs. And I think deflecting from his own past. Do you think he might be doing something else?

TheClitterati Sun 04-Mar-18 08:13:53

Op you might like to ask for your thread to be moved to the Relationships topic. Lots of great advice there.

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