Really need some help. Feeling lost.

[Mrecsac]

I really do not know where to start. If I gave the full story you'd think I pulled it from eastenders, this sort of stuff just doesn't happen in real life.

So to start off, I'm a married mom two two girls and two step daughters. Ive practically raised my stepdaughters, they were 2 and 5 when my husband and I started seeing one another, now 13 and 10. Their mother is a nightmare, although this cannot be helped as she's mentally unwell. We are finally in a position where she can have them half of the time but I have to pick them up and take them to school and back again as my husband works. It literally could not be easier for her to be a mom. We do everything, although granted for the last 2 years we have been in a financial shit heap so we have not done much of the fun things together. She has spent all of this time lavishing them, as she should, but telling them how awful we are as parents for not. She's told them their father cheated on her with me(absolute lies) and many other similar things. We cannot seem to fight against any of this as it's "bullying" her and causing her "mental harm" so we just leave it in the hope the kids will see through it one day. But it feels like it is getting worse.

The big problems started 2yeRs ago. My parents were attacked by a psycho, evil, weasel of a man as they parked themselves to protect my sister and her children. They were left with chatastrophic injuries. My father being the most injured, somehow he survived despite doctors predictions. It was devastating seeing him this way, my mother too but she was already disabled. I blamed(still do) my sister. She could have prevented it all but she revels in drama. She regularly criticizes me for the things I do, tells me that I do not do enough. My father sadly passed recent due to complications. I miss him so much, I have been left to look after my mother, almost single handed. She's in a nursing home but I look after all of her finances, the solicitors and I'm the only one who takes her out. My sister hardly sees her as she's "too busy with uni" etc. I Struggle with her a lot, she is highly dependant and suffers with a brain injury. I'm crippled with guilt for getting frustrated with her, she's just like a child at times.

I'm waiting on a referral for bereavement councelling and my drs does not think I'm depressed. My husband is great, although I love him I also detest him at times. We've have had a lot of financial problems on top of this but we seem to be coming out the other side. In general we are best friends, but there has been a lot of pressure on us. I look after my other sister a lot, not the one I blame I have 2, as she has had a difficult time too. She has been sectioned this year so I had her children for her. I feel so lost and miserable as I only seem to be here to look after others. I feel gross, alone, lost, pathetic and used. I cannot talk to any of my family, they would literally laugh and take the mic and be no help, my husband just gets annoyed with me after everything he went through with his ex.

I want to run away, pick up my girls and move out of the city. Far enough but still close enough to get to my mom. I feel like I can't do enough for them. Like I'm a bad mom and they miss out because of everything I do for everyone else. I think if there is one more nasty outburst from my sister or the step kids I will crumble, and if I do there is the fear and guilt of my husband messing up with his job after us fighting so hard to get back onto of our finances.

Im sorry it seems all a muddle, I think I just needed to vent and get it out.