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Advice on young soon to be father needed,,,

(39 Posts)
redwiner Sat 15-Apr-17 13:58:40

My 22 year old daughter is 27 weeks pregnant.She has been with the father (25 yo) for over a year, known each other for over a year before getting together. they both work full time and rent a place together. The father is a lovely lad, hard worker, very shy and doesn't 'talk' about things. My daughter is v independent and had left home and rented her own place from age 20 but this is his first time living away from home. The pregnancy was unplanned but they sat and wrote a for's and against's list and decided they would cope.
The problem is when he gets in from work he does virtually nothing around the house, he sits and plays on his phone or playstation-thing all night. My daughter does the cooking (almost always, he might occasionally) but his mum used to do everything for him so he doesn't know how to use a washing machine, won't tidy up after himself, doesn't like it when he's asked to help out etc.. My daughter is getting very unhappy and so a few days ago my husband and I, who get on with him very well indeed, said to him that he needs to start thinking about helping out and at least offering to wash up and pick his own clothes up off the floor. He said he would, but several days on nothing has changed at all. We had hoped that he might have realised that a pregnant young woman would need help but apparently he's oblivious to it.
I don't want it to get to the point where my daughter has had enough and tell him to go because he is a decent lad, but how on earth do we get through to him that this is the 21st century and all housework is not down to the woman? His parents are lovely, but should I/we mention something to them, or just keep on gently cajoling him, or what?
I'm really concerned that his thoughtlessness will ruin the relationship, and they have so much going for them other than this but he really needs to grow up. Advice please...

StarUtopia Sat 15-Apr-17 14:00:08

i thought you were going to say he was 17.

25. He's a grown man. Albeit a bit of a tool by the sounds of it!

I suggest you stay well out of it. Your daughter needs to be telling him all this and putting her foot down.

missyB1 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:03:05

25? He's not a kid but sounds immature! I have a 27 year old ds who lives with his gf, they share the housework and cooking, she would soon kick his backside if he sat around playing games all the time!

LookAtTheFlowersKerry Sat 15-Apr-17 14:04:55

I was married with two dc by the time I was 25. He's not 'young' in that sense.

He just sounds like a selfish tool.

EccentricPickle Sat 15-Apr-17 14:10:39

Bloody hell, he needs shaking! He's not particularly young, DH was just turned 24 when we had our first.

redwiner Sat 15-Apr-17 14:11:51

You're all right, he is a grown man, but he'd never had to lift a finger before he left home a few months ago and is expecting my daughter to carry on from where his mum left off...
My daughter does ask him to do things and it's always 'yeah, in a minute' and that minute never happens....
He is caring in many ways, says he loves her, drops her where she needs to go (she doesn't drive), picks her up from work f he's finished earlier, they share all bills etc but it's the housework and not showing much interest in the baby which is upsetting her. he says he's looking forward to it but she's the one driving everything - (decorating, buying stuff etc). I think he's a bit overwhelmed by it all tbh...

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone Sat 15-Apr-17 14:14:07

I'd be encouraging my daughter to leave such a man.

She should find an equal not someone who wants staff

RandomMess Sat 15-Apr-17 14:15:24

Really your DD needs to tell him now "I'm not your mother, we're equals, we need to be doing 50:50" if he doesn't shape up tell him to leave...

Hopefully he will come to his senses, far easier to do this now than after the baby arrives/5 years down the line!

BackforGood Sat 15-Apr-17 14:15:33

I'm not sure you should be telling him anything.
It really is down to your dd to be quite clear with her expectations.
She's not helped herself by not starting as she means to go on, but she really needs to be the one having a pretty serious talk with him now.

MrsJayy Sat 15-Apr-17 14:18:32

The problem isn't his age he is a lazy bugger and your dd is letting him be lazy she needs to decide if this is what she wants

redwiner Sat 15-Apr-17 14:22:47

Of course him being like this isn't what she WANTS... but then she doesn't want to be left bringing up the baby on her own either...
He isn't lazy at work, he's a very good worker and responsible that way, it's just getting through to him about this...

MrsJayy Sat 15-Apr-17 14:30:07

Not sure why you were snippy with me confused but she either talks to him or not he won't change if she is tidying up after his rear end and not talking to him about it.

redwiner Sat 15-Apr-17 14:49:04

No Mrs Jayy, please don't get me wrong, I didn't mean it to come out like that, I just meant this isn't what she'd choose - ideally. I think they do need to have a proper talk (with his phone out of his hand) and lay out some ground rules. :-)
I do appreciate all your advice, thank you!

Violetcharlotte Sat 15-Apr-17 14:52:50

I think it'll be a case of your DD having to nag him keep talking to him and making it clear what she wants him to do. He's obviously not used to doing anything for himself, blame his Mother for that! I guess only time will tell whether he'll step up or whether your DD will get to the point where she's had enough.

If she loves him and he's a good men generally, then it's worth working at.

AgainstTheOddsNo2 Sat 15-Apr-17 14:53:44

He is a man. As opposed to a boy. Your daughter needs to be the one putting her foot down but the best thing get you can do to help the situation is to let them both know that you will be there for her and the baby and that she needn't fear being alone because she never will be with your support.

NennyNooNoo Sat 15-Apr-17 14:53:48

I'd leave well alone. Interfering in their relationship won't achieve anything, apart from quite possibly turning them both against you. If you speak to the in laws, critiquing their DS's upbringing and lack of domesticity, you'll turn them against you too. If it's his first time living away from home, hopefully he'll learn as he goes along. I moved out of my parents house and in with my DP ( now DH) when I was 20 and didn't have much of a clue about cooking, cleaning, washing etc but we muddled along and picked it up along the way. If my MIL had criticised my housekeeping skills, we probably wouldn't be speaking with her now.

You say he doesn't take much interest in the baby but it's still 3 months away from being born yet! Maybe shopping isn't his thing. Lots of couples don't buy stuff until it's nearly here. It's very hard to imagine what being a parent will be like for first timers - cut him some slack.

Wolfiefan Sat 15-Apr-17 14:55:51

It's not your relationship. Don't interfere. If your daughter is going to start a family with this man that's her choice.

RandomMess Sat 15-Apr-17 15:01:12

Thing is if he doesn't change and your DD doesn't kick him out she'll be bringing up baby alone and looking after manchild who presumably creates mess/work...

Berrybakecake1 Sat 15-Apr-17 15:02:42

Your DD needs to ask him if he wants a lover or another mother.
My DP was like this at first but we were 19/20 when we had DS and first moved in together.
Like your DD partner he worked hard etc but at home he was useless and preferred to spend his time with friends or sitting in front of the TV.
After years if me nagging and explaining how I felt it finally hit home. However it took me to be bedridden for a threatened miscarriage to do it and finally put US before HIM.
No advice really just sharing a similar starting point.
If I was her though I would just keep nagging and if he doesn't like her nagging well he either walks out of the door or realises he has to help hopefully it's the latter.

Batteriesallgone Sat 15-Apr-17 15:07:04

My DH was a little like this when we got together. I told him quite clearly I didn't fancy children, so if he was going to behave like a child he could wave goodbye to a sexual relationship. Honestly it turns my stomach the idea of getting naked in front of someone I've just tidied up after.

I also said I couldn't live with someone who didn't respect me enough to do equal housework.

He sorted himself out pretty quickly.

MrsJayy Sat 15-Apr-17 15:07:53

Thats ok redwinder iread it snippily ☺ I appreciate you are worried about your daughter but this is her relationship and with the best will in the world you can't change this man to be the partner you want for her. Some parents to be are not that bothered about baby clothes and the stuff that comes with it and they only realise they are having a baby once it arrives,

Batteriesallgone Sat 15-Apr-17 15:08:18

Oh and even though DH sorted himself out he did regress when firstborn (DS) was born and it was a very hard time. We nearly got divorced.

If he's not making an effort now he's sure as eggs going to make her life hell when there's a baby to look after too.

QueenOlivine Sat 15-Apr-17 15:11:12

You keep saying he's lovely, and it's true that unwillingness to do the housework might not seem like a huge part of someone's personality - he probably doesn't see it as important either. BUT when you are the woman (generally) in this situation, it is a huge problem - especially once you have a baby as well.

I honestly wish I'd made this an absolute condition of living with or having DC with any man, because it was one of the things that destroyed my relationship with my DCs' dad in the end.

He's not listening, so I'd say to sort this he needs an ultimatum - he pulls his weight (and if necessary write all the tasks down and divide them fairly) or the whole thing is off. Very hard to do when you're young and in love though.

She can also stop doing anything for him right now until he starts doing he fair share. Once the baby is here she will have to meet the baby's needs even if he doesn't, but for now she can stop doing his washing, dishes, cooking for him etc. until he gets the message.

It really does matter. It ruins relationships. You're right to be concerned about this now and I'm very glad for your DD that you aren't telling her to just get on with picking up his pants!

QueenOlivine Sat 15-Apr-17 15:14:23

Also I agree you can't interfere in her relationship if she's happy and doesn't want you to - but you've said that she's unhappy about this, so I think it's fair enough to support her and give advice. You can't make her do anything though.

Splinters6 Sat 15-Apr-17 15:15:35

I don't understand what her being pregnant has to do with it at all? confused

Why was she not having this conversation with him within a week of moving in? Why wait until she's pregnant? And what do you mean your DH has asked him to 'help out a bit' because that's implying that due to her condition he should do a little bit more when surely as they're both working f/t then it should all be 50:50.

Did you bring her up explaining that to her? Or had she watched you do the lions share of hw at home.

Ilived witb DH for years before we married. His mother had also done everything. He realised I wouldn't within about 4days of us living together.

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