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Did anyone find it difficult when they knew they woudn't be having anymore children?

27 replies

Sparkler1 · 27/02/2007 16:07

Interested to hear from others.
DH and I have two dds, 7 and 5. Always said pre-children we would have two and only two. DH has his vasectomy booked in six days time and I'm feeling really sad about it.
It sit and wonder what it would be like to have another, some days I think I probably couldn't cope with another. Not only that DH and I could really do with getting some "us" time back again after the last seven years of parenthood. I've had awful depression (started with PND after dd2 born) so I have no idea why I should want to put more pressure/worries on me or dh for that matter.
So why do I still have this niggling feeling inside of me "What if I had another?"
DH has made his mind up completely, and isn't shifting, that he wants no more babies. I can see his reasons why.
DH went for vasectomy counselling a couple of months back and I had to go with him. The doctor never once asked me to discuss my feelings about it, I did have to sign a form to say happy for dh to go ahead which I did reluctantly as I felt there was no other option.

OP posts:

Report

doormat · 27/02/2007 16:11

my situation is different as we had 8 between us
before dh got the snip

but i was pretty made up tbh

and knew i was getting too old for all the baby stuff and wanted my life back
good luck on whatever you decide
xxx

but if you have doubts speak to your dh

expatinscotland · 27/02/2007 16:13

No, I felt very liberated and free.

Hope you find some peace.

Sparkler1 · 27/02/2007 16:13

We spoken already loads - DH knows my feelings and has made it clear that he really doesn't want anymore. I'm not even 100% clear in my head that I really want another but it's just so final and I keeping thinking what it would be like just to have one more.

OP posts:

AllieBongo · 27/02/2007 16:15

Sparkler, I feel exactly the same as you. It is too final, even though i know I probably wouldn't cope with and definetly couldn't afford another one. I have managed to get dh to cancel his appointment once before, a it was arranged without me even knowing.

expatinscotland · 27/02/2007 16:18

'I did have to sign a form to say happy for dh to go ahead which I did reluctantly as I felt there was no other option.'

Sorry, but I find this chilling.

It is his body.

I know it's supposed to be a joint decision and yadda yadda yadda, but at the end of the day it's HIS body.

Imagine if they made this the case for married women to do something regarding their reproductive system, such as have a termination, have their tubes tied, use birth control, etc.

I hope you find some peace.

zippitippitoes · 27/02/2007 16:19

I found it very hard. Almost entirely because i had a new partner at 42 who is 11 years younger and doesn't have children. So when i had a miscarriage 4 years ago i was gutted although it wouldn't have been planned it wasn't avoided either. Also as things turned out my dd2 accidentally concieved a child the same month that I did and so i have a dgs the exact age our child would have been..

So i think it is hard. You have my sympathy.

bobsyouruncle · 27/02/2007 16:20

I know what you mean, me & DH had agreed no more, (have dd & ds) for lots of good reasons which make complete sense BUT secretly I'd be over the moon if DH said he'd changed his mind & would like another!? Scared to tell him that though!?

massagemum · 27/02/2007 16:29

I have dd4, dd3 and ds2. During my last pregnancy I fell down some stairs and really injured my back - because of this i had a truly awful pregnancy and was on bedrest from about 24 weeks. Baby eventually delivered at 36 weeks and went into special care.

After this i had to go through many more monthes of physio and hydrotherapy and then acupuncture. Finally when ds was about 8 months I finally got abck to some semblance of order.

Because of this my dh and I decided that ds would be our last and he got the snip.

That was 18 monthes ago and to be honest we both regret it. I know that if he hadn't have got it done we would have gone on to have a least one more if not 2.

We thought that we had made a rational decision but now i'm not so sure.

Bomper · 27/02/2007 16:38

Had someone asked me this question a couple of days ago, I would have said No, I didn't find it difficult, neither dh or I want another child, so he had the snip, end of story. HOWEVER, my sister announced yesterday that she is pregnant and I feel sooooooooo jealous!! How ridiculous is that?!! I am sure that it will pass and sanity will return, but at the moment, I feel really upset that I will never have another child!!

Sparkler1 · 27/02/2007 16:53

Expat - I do know where you are coming from about the form signing. It is weird.
Do men have to sign anything when a women books in for sterilisation?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/02/2007 16:56

I wonder, Sparkler.

Imagine that!

I used to work in a women's clinic for indigent women and they'd come in for Depo shots because it was the only birth control they could hide. They didn't want any more babies, and this would throw them into a menopause like state.

I can't imagine if those poor ladies needed consent.

Boco · 27/02/2007 17:18

I've got two dd's, and hated pg and childbirth, so did think i'd stop at 2. dp said last night that he was going to make an appointment to talk about having a vasectomy, and had to restrain myself from leaping out of the bath and pleading with him not to. I hate the thought of such a final decision - i know we can't afford another baby, and i'm quite enjoying feeling physically normal, but when i see a baby....get all confused. Dp said no way though.

crinklechunk · 27/02/2007 17:42

I hated being pregnant but love babies! I have 3 kids and dh has had a vasectomy (12 months ago). I know in my head that I am happy with 3 and that I wouldn't want to go through another pregancy but I work with mums and babies and still find myself a little broody from time to time .
Mentally I am fine about it but I think there is still a hormonal 'pull' so to speak

Sparkler1 · 27/02/2007 18:16

Does that "hormonal pull" ever go away?

OP posts:

Mhamai · 27/02/2007 18:25

Never say never but at nearly 40 and single I do often feel that that's it and although I'm more than content with ds 6 I do often feel that pull to have another child but to be honest being a parent in my thirties has been a damn sight harder than say when I had my dd 20 years ago. I do know what you mean about the finality of it though.

Tortington · 27/02/2007 18:27

i was overjoyed.

oxocube · 27/02/2007 18:30

expat, re the depo shot, why did this make the women become/feel menopausal? I had this quite a few years ago for about 3 years, btwn dc2 and dc3. I can't remember any bad side effects. Maybe I was lucky. Would be interested to hear your opinion (although apologies for being off topic)

oxocube · 27/02/2007 18:32

But back to the OP, I felt awful for the first 2 years after dc3 was born as I desperately wanted another and DH didn't but then for some reason after a few years, that urge to reproduce suddenly stopped. Now, I really wouldn't want another baby (but I am almost 41)

Sparkler1 · 27/02/2007 21:08

Let's hope it fades away soon then.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/02/2007 21:12

In most women, oxo, it stops their periods. So these womens' husbands would think their wives were going into menopause or close to it and that's why they weren't falling pregnant anymore.

Sterilisation wasn't a good option because the man could see the scars and the recovery time, and the coil a lot of times a man could feel.

A lot of these women were from cultures in which a man's worth was seen by the number of children he fathered, and were desperate to stop having children.

It was hard enough for many of them to get in, I can only imagine if they had to have permission to police their own bodies.

TreadmillMom · 28/02/2007 13:33

I am going through this exact thing right now. DS1 is 3.5yrs, DS2 is 17mths and DH has said absolutely no more children. I asked him again last night and he said I?m not to ask again.
I loved being pregnant and really enjoyed the excitement of labour.
However, I was diagnosed with PND with DS1, had it again with DS2 but kept it quiet. DH and I constantly argue about whom does the most work, who gets the least sleep (he works full time, I work 3 days).
The first 12mths are so stressful for us both and we appear finally to be getting on again after the birth of DS2 so I totally understand and agree with his reasons for not wanting anymore children, my head agrees wholeheartedly, life is so much easier now DS2 is 16mths and I thank God for blessing me with two healthy boys.
Why, cannot I not then shut off this incredible desire to have another child? I am so broody it is distracting and I know the feelings will intensify as I get older and turn into regret.
Practically it would be the worst thing in the world but emotionally, I am not fulfilled.
I hope these feelings will stop.

NuttyMuffins · 28/02/2007 13:38

I did and still do find it very hard to think that I won't ever have another baby.

It's not that I can't have one, it's more that it would be a difficult pregnancy and I could have lots of problems, plus i've had 3 sections.

Obviously at the mo I don't have anyone to have one with anyway lol.

I know I definatly haven't accepted that thats it yet, not sure if I will.

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deegward · 28/02/2007 13:43

I had a hysterectomy last year, and I think its the finality of it that makes you sad. We have two dss, and although I would have loved a girl, I don't think we would have gone for a third. But knowing I will never have another baby is sad.

LieselVentouse · 28/02/2007 13:50

I have been told/advised not to have anymore and Im okay with that but Im PG at the moment with 2nd and last child and since the decision has been taken out my hands I accept that. I am lucky to have two healthy children

agalch · 28/02/2007 14:15

Sparkler1

My dp had a vasectomy in December last year.We have 2 ds's and 2dd's (15 11 2.5 and 7 months). We both cried before and after (he also cried the whole way through the op) he had it done.

Don't get me wrong we are totally happy with our 4 lovely children and we didn't "want" more but it's the knowing that i will never again be pg/give birth or bf a baby again

If we hadn't gone ahead with it we would def have had at least another one poss two babies.

We are kept really busy with all 4 dc atm.With a teenager and almost teenager and a toddler and a baby we never stop and we never have time for ourselves either.We want to give our 4 the attention and time they have now and if we had more that would obv have to stop.

I will always be sad about it but it was the only decision we could have made.

Hope you manage to come to terms with the decision.Allow yourself to be upset and have a good cry if you need to.

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