Help! Need advice on abuse.(4 Posts)
I was recently in an abusive relationship that I am now out of. The break up was difficult as he turned it all around on me saying I was 'making something out of nothing' and that I was 'pathetic'. I want to be able to move on from this but I can't seem to get over one night. I'm not sure whether or not he raped me. I haven't been able to eat or sleep properly now for 6 months and I am constantly on edge. If I am out and doing things I am fine but as soon as I am alone I feel hopeless and can't stop thinking about it. I apologise for the graphic description I am about to give to you but I feel it is needed to know what really happened and what it is classed as.
Well we went to the pub and drunk a bit, I was extremely drunk and pretty much unable to stand. When we got back I went to bed and he came in and I kissed him, he then threw me back on the bed and flipped me onto my front (he was a big guy and being drunk made me feel like he was just throwing me around like a ragdoll) and then he really violently had sex with me pinning my arms back and he hit me etc. I clearly wasn't enjoying it but I never said no. Then he like put me on my back and ejaculated on my face. At this point I started crying and I had a panic attack, to which he got really angry about and was shouting at me 'WHAT IS WRONG WHY ARE YOU CRYING' but as I was breathing funny I couldn't reply. After he apologised and said 'I got angry because I thought I hurt you and I thought you were being a drunk idiot and not telling me and it frustrated me' so we just led in bed and hugged and he got me some tissues and I calmed down. The next day as well I was clearly very distant and jumpy and he almost chose to ignore it. He did apologise and said 'maybe I was too rough I won't do it again' but I cannot get it out of my head and feel I can't move on until I have closure.
He was violent, he hit you, he paid no attention to you clearly not being into it, he ejaculated on your face and them shouted at you for crying and having a panic attack? Too rough? He treated you like you and your feelings were totally irrelevant. It's no wonder you're struggling to get past it - you are not pathetic and you are not making something our of nothing - though for him to admit that, he'd have to acknowledge he'said been a total raping shit to you.
I am glad you aren't in the relationship any more. I think it was rape, but you would be hard-pushed to get it proven in a court (but then there's a desperately low figure that does, even if they do get to court.)
Have you thought of getting some counselling to help work through how it made you feel and to find ways of moving on?
(You might get more useful advice and more traffic if you ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships. )
I don't want to go to court for a few reasons, I don't see the point in trying to ruin his life too, I don't want to have to see him again and I don't think they would believe me anyway.
I want to get counselling but at the moment I can't even say it to myself, hence why I am posting it on a forum. It is different saying it to people you don't know rather than someone seeing your physical emotions and to be honest, I'm embarrassed about it.
Thank you, I will post it in relationships too
Counsellors or therapists will have seen all sorts, like medical staff. There would be no reason to be embarrassed - but you could also discuss that you did feel that way.
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