Domestic Abuse

[user1481892696]

I was recently in an abusive relationship that I am now out of. The break up was difficult as he turned it all around on me saying I was 'making something out of nothing' and that I was 'pathetic'. I want to be able to move on from this but I can't seem to get over one night. I'm not sure whether or not he raped me. I haven't been able to eat or sleep properly now for 6 months and I am constantly on edge. If I am out and doing things I am fine but as soon as I am alone I feel hopeless and can't stop thinking about it. I apologise for the graphic description I am about to give to you but I feel it is needed to know what really happened and what it is classed as.

Well we went to the pub and drunk a bit, I was extremely drunk and pretty much unable to stand. When we got back I went to bed and he came in and I kissed him, he then threw me back on the bed and flipped me onto my front (he was a big guy and being drunk made me feel like he was just throwing me around like a ragdoll) and then he really violently had sex with me pinning my arms back and he hit me etc. I clearly wasn't enjoying it but I never said no. Then he like put me on my back and ejaculated on my face. At this point I started crying and I had a panic attack, to which he got really angry about and was shouting at me 'WHAT IS WRONG WHY ARE YOU CRYING' but as I was breathing funny I couldn't reply. After he apologised and said 'I got angry because I thought I hurt you and I thought you were being a drunk idiot and not telling me and it frustrated me' so we just led in bed and hugged and he got me some tissues and I calmed down. The next day as well I was clearly very distant and jumpy and he almost chose to ignore it. He did apologise and said 'maybe I was too rough I won't do it again' but I cannot get it out of my head and feel I can't move on until I have closure.

Thank you.

[belleville42]

Oh my word! Poor you! Yes, it was rape. It was not consented to. You need to go to the police and report it. You need to call Women's Aid and report it. You need to go to your GP / local health clinic and report it.
Do not have any qualms about this. You need this to be recorded now.
So, if you feel you can't go to the police for fear of the repercussions from him, then go to your gp at least and call Women's Aid.
You cannot 'move on' after such an assault without support.
And you need to be pro-active. Do not have any 'second-thoughts' re reporting as it will work against you if ever you needed this as 'evidence'.

By the way, the reason I presume you have no response is because you need to post this threat in 'Body and Soul' or 'Feminism' or any other 'higher' profile sites.

Please do get help. You are not in the wrong. You must respect your instinctive feelings about the assault.

Good luck.