Daughter is pregnant - what to do...(20 Posts)
I am absolutely at my wits end here so will be glad for any advice at all.... my daughter is just 21, she announced to me last week that she is pregnant by her boyfriend of 3 months. He is a lovely man and I couldn't wish for a better father for her child - however..... she has just this week lost her job and after 2 weeks salary in lieu of notice will be unemployed. Also, accommodation came with her job so she will be pregnant, unemployed and homeless. The boyfriend is standing by her but he lives at home with his parents. Obviously I will have her home until they sort themselves out but my fear is that she is not as 'in to him' as he is her. She has never shown one ounce of wanting a baby (at any time, she always said she never wanted them) none of her friends have children, none of our family do, she has not yet met his family and doesn't like his friends (says they are too nerdy for her liking!)
I have a house which I rent out and she has asked if they can have that at the end of this tenants lease (which I could renew if they wished). If I were sure she is 100% committed to him I would agree, but I'm not. I am terrified that in a couple of months she will not want to be with him and the novelty of being pregnant will have worn off for her.
I truly don't want to sound awful but there is no way I could have her home here with a baby - we fight like cat and dog at the best of times which is one reason she moved out in the first place.
I love her but at times absolutely cannot abide her - she is rude, selfish, a snob (god knows why) and looks down on people and I am frankly embarrassed by her.
At the moment the plan is for her to come home while the boyfriend saves enough money to rent a place for them, in the meantime she will be job hunting and then they will move in together.
Is it awful of me to say they can't have my other house, is it awful of my to not want my daughter to stay with me at this time?
I am not sleeping, I feel sick, what do I do? Please someone help me or give me some advice....
Why can't she rent your property and if it doesn't work out with the boyfriend still stay there?
I don't think there is a right or wrong. I don't think I would let her have the flat.. Money things get messy between families. Could you afford to go without the rental on that place if it came to it?
I'm not sure what to suggest because I would have my daughter home if she was in a bind until she sorts herself out but I do understand how stressful it can be if you don't get on.
I would be asking how she plans to support the child? Has she thought of a termination?
Ok 21 is not that young to be having a baby. I was expecting you to say she were 15/16 years old.
You need to build bridges with your daughter (thats if you want to) and you may find that the baby will really be the making of you and her.
I would let your daughter rent your house providing she pays the market rate for the rent and the rent money is paid to you no arguements.
Im assuming she would be entitled to housing benefit?
It doesnt matter if her relationship with the father doesnt last, its very early days for them yet.
I would encourage her to look for work so she can get some money ready for when the baby is due and can provide the basics for a newborn.
I really would support her the best you can. Its not the end of the world.
That must be really stressful for you. I think I'd be very uninclined to let her have your house as it forms your income. Have you gone through her options? Is a baby what she really wants? I hope it all works out for you. Maybe take her in for a while and get her to help around the house.
Can she afford to rent your property with benefit help? At least she would have a roof over her head and you know where she is?
She will NOT AUTOMATICALLY be entitled to HB if renting from her mum.
And of OP relies on the rental income then she would be truly between a rock and a hard place if her DD reneges on the rent.
It's more difficult but not impossible to get housing benefit from family. Could be easier for you to be a guarantee for a rental property. Unless you can really afford it (and well even if you can) not reasonable for her to expect free ride with rent.
It's quite likely a HB claim would be refused if renting from a parent.
So giving her temporary refuge in your home until she can find a place of her own might be the best course (unfortunately, you might have to evict her so she is formally homeless if she wants to seek social housing. This is not nice, but if you both know why it is survivable and could well lead to a decent outcome).
Taking her in, even when you haven't been getting along for a while, is a good thing so no I don't think you're awful. But I might if you do not take advantage of these new circumstances to at least attempt to improve your relationship. She might need her mother right now much more than she'll readily let on.
My friend was in a similar situation with her dd. She was beside herself with worry. The baby is now here and dd and her DP have a new home and dd is proving herself to be a brilliant mother. Everybody adores the baby too.
The problem is my other property is a 3 bed place and if she and the bf split up she might get some assistance but not all of it. I did suggest a termination to her -as its such early days for them both and shouldn't they get to know each other better etc - but she wouldn't hear of it. She has applied for about 9 jobs since Thursday so she is trying, but what if she doesn't get one -we are not made of money so cannot just keep her and the baby. The trouble is from about the age of 15/16 she suddenly changed - no idea why. She became sulky, wouldn't try much at school, trained to be a hairdresser, passed the tests then decided she didn't want to do it. I got he a job where I work, she stayed for a year then left to go and work with horses (which are her hobby and her passion) but as soon as she said she was pregnant they gave her 2 weeks notice. I know that's illegal and on monday my dh (her stepfather) is taking her to the job centre to tell them what has happened, but the result is still the same - no job, no money, no home.
I would willingly have her back for as long as she needed if I were sure she was committed to the bf but I think it may be another thing she thought she wanted but actually, when it comes down to it, she doesn't.
When she lived here before she was lazy, answered back, looked down her nose at me, then as soon as she left things improved. Unfortunately, we are like chalk and cheese and argue all the time. Of course I don't want to have to evict her but I fear it may be the only option and then I'm thinking she will hate me. I can't see which way to turn at the moment....
The best thing is if she found her own accommodation with bf.
I guess you want to do what is best for your daughter.
From what you say 'best' is helping her face up to the situation she has created, being independent and making an adult decision about her future.
An adult, who is rude, entitled, lazy and a bit of snob cannot expect help from people she has hurt.
it seems that you are in an impossible situation. If you do not do as she has requested, you risk a further deterioration in your relationship. There is no guarantee though, that by letting her have your house, she will show any gratitude. I think I would maybe give her a little bit of financial help, if you can afford it, but I would not let her have your house.
Thank you all for your comments and wise words. As clearly shown there is no one right or wrong answer.
It's a tough one alright..... :-(
DD was just 19 and in the middle of University when she announced she was pregnant. I acted like a fool, thinking I was only doing what I thought best but the reality is I struggled with her being old enough to make her own decisions.
Be there for her, comfort her, offer advice only when asked, learn to bite your tongue but be ready to pick up the pieces if it all goes tits up. I was lucky DD had her head screwed on and got her life sorted better than I could ever have hoped but it was still a very bad time.
if you have the rental property on a BTL mortgage usually one of the conditions is that you are not allowed to rent to family so that may be your way "out" when explaining you can't rent to her. I have a rental and would no way rent it to my son. I can already see the "I'm a bit short this month Mum ...."
tell her that you can't rent to her due to the mortgage/insurance/HB conditions, at least one of which may be true. Renting to family is a really bad idea.
grown up games, grown up choices. She's 21, well able to earn and accommodate herself. Off she goes.
your job is to dote and buy some baby clothes when the time comes.
Ok. I feel like I might be able to be of some use in this topic! I too was 21 when I had my son and I too got pregnant by a new boyfriend. I too have a supportive and loving family but an... er... Explosive relationship with my mother. It was not at all part of 'the plan' and has been difficult but DS is the best thing in my life. He is now 8 and I feel like I just about had a grip on things.
Firstly. Don't give her your rental place. It's what I would have wanted too but if you don't help her stand on her own feet now she never will. First take her to the council, help her to complete the forms for ALL the support he is entitled to. Put her in the council housing list (whether she does this alone or with the man is up to her) alternatively you could tell er that you will help her put together the deposit for a house/flat if she completes the forms for Local Housing Allowance/council tax benefit. Speak to the council and ask them for an estimate on how much LHA she would be entitled to (it varies from area to area) and then help her look for a place.
Additionally help her to complete the child tax credit forms and such. He will need all the help she can get. And this way you are showing her support without supporting her financially. Which as another poster says can get messy.
With regard to the relationship, point out to her that the chaps commitment to the pregnancy at this stage would suggest that he is really rather 'into her' my biggest advice here if for them not to rush the relationship just because of the pregnancy try weren't ready to live together before hand so they're probably by ready day. Help her to get set up with her own place and encourage them to do all the pregnancy things together and continue the relationship. SO many people make the mistake of just assuming/forcing a relationship to suddenly be serious and settled just because of an unplanned pregnancy. Do things together and let the relationship bloom (or fail) as things develop.
I hope this helps. X
you advise it does not matter if the father does not stay. I could not disagree more. Call me old fashioned if you will, but children are best off with two parents... (male and female).
Life as a single mother is bloody hard work. Either relying on benefits and being forever poor or working all hours of the week and forever exhausted. It is too easy for a man to walk away from the consequences of a ten minutes shag.
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