why do I feel like I can't speak up?(5 Posts)
So yesterday we went to dhs family party and dd (12 weeks) is obviously being passed around which is fine. However at one point I had left dd with mil while I checked on ds (3.5) in another room. When I returned, dn (10) is saying "watch this", and blowing in dds face while mil holds her. Apparently after initial reflex she would laugh and they had been taking photos. I just didn't like this, especially when the 10-15 times it was then repeated in front of me (I was sat across the room), she was startled with arms way out wide but certainly not laughing or smiling afterwards. I think mil got the message when I sat watching and eventually told her to stop but why do I not feel able to say "excuse me, please stop that". It felt like teasing, how would she have liked it if I had blown in her face that many times? Had I been on my own with dn, I would have stopped her but why can I not speak up in front of mil? She is reasonable woman but I didn't expect her to think that was ok. I know it's not the end of the world and she wasn't being harmed but it was horrible feeling powerless. Any ideas of anything gentle I can say to put a stop to this kind of thing when it happens again? Btw when I've spoken up on behalf of my ds (when being teased or wound up by fil), I've received a petty "ooh, I can't play with you now because mummy will tell me off". I'm really not precious about my children in a bad way, I just don't know why I can't speak up when I feel they need defending. (I would feel able to if it was my own family ).
I don't have much practical advice I'm afraid, but I know where you're coming from. When DD was much smaller (she's 21 weeks now) and we were off visiting etc I'd sometimes feel like I couldn't speak up and ask for her back if she was getting agitated. We went to a BBQ with people I don't know overly well at one point (DH knows them better than I do) and I really had to make myself get over it and be firm.
I think the best way to deal with it (for me at least) is to think of it this way: she is your baby. Yours. You carried her and birthed her, you know her better than anyone. Her welfare comes above offending anyone around you. This is one occasion where I'm very much "your baby, your rules". Deep breath, chin up, stand firm.
Or, just make up an excuse - "come on DD, time for a nappy change" etc.
Sorry just re read and it sounds like I told her to stop, I sat watching and mil eventfully told
Dn to stop.
Gah, eventually not eventfully!
Thankyou for your response, and you're absolutely right, I do know her better than anyone. Luckily I bf so am able to take her back more often and feed her but you're right in that some people aren't keen to hand them back when they are agitated almost having to 'prove' that they are good with her and can calm her down themselves.
I think part of the problem is that I am already seen by dh's family as not wanting to 'share' so I'm trying to come across as 'breezy' when I don't feel like it. I do want to share but sometimes it's hard to want to when (as another poster on another thread said ) you're seen as the incubator and that really dh (golden child) and my children are the most important (a whole other story!!).
Ahh yes the feeding "excuse" is always a good one
Why are people always so eager to try and prove they can calm them?! It makes no sense to me. Especially when they're so little that it is just a basic need that needs fulfilling. My mum would sometimes take DD from me and go for a walk up the garden or something if she was really screaming, but that was ok because I needed the break (and to be fair it worked!). But when other people do it, who barely even know the baby...drives me nuts.
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