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Janet and John meets The Bible

89 replies

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 08:56

Before I start, and before I get flamed, I am not mocking the Bible, religion or belief. I've read my Bible many times, and found it a wonderful thing. An understanding of the King James bible is central to much of English literature. The history that ties the three major religions together is facinating, and forms the bedrock of much of our systems of justice etc, even if we don't belive in the religious aspect. I think the King James Bible (theonly one I have read) is a wonderful piece of literature as well as a way of looking at the world etc. So serious respect. Oh and before I am accused of intelectual snobbery, most of my Old Testiment study as a child was done on a set of cartoon books, that had lots of battles and 'smitting' excellent for the small child

But last night I read some odf a pre schoolers Bible that my very kind SIL gave to my son (we are fairly godless in this house)

It is Janet and John meets the bible! And is unexpectedly hilarious in parts.

If I may don my asbestos underpants I will quote....

'Jacob must go far, far away from home. He is running away from his brother Esau. Esau is angry because Jacob has taken his birth right. Esau even said that he would kill Jacob. That would make anyone run far away, wouldn't it?

But look! Do you see who Jacob sees? Her name is Rachel. She is beautiful, isn't she? Jacon thinks Rachel is beautiful, too. He wasnts to meet her. But he must find the right way to do it.

Do you see what Rachel is doing? Racheil is taking care of her father's sheep. Jacob is helping her give the sheep water. That is kind for jacob to do, isn't it? Do you think Rachel thinks it is kind too?'

They then edit out Leah and the veil thing!

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NotQuiteCockney · 08/10/2006 08:57

I suspect the Lego bible is probably better for kids. Um, but it does tend to focus on the messed up bits like Leah and the veil.

motherinferior · 08/10/2006 08:59

Cain is angry with Abel. Do you get angry with your brothers sometimes? But Cain does something really, really naughty. He kills Abel. Don't you think that is wrong?

Lot lives in a place called Sodom where lots of men go to men-only parties. Girls should go to parties too. don't you think? So God got angry with Sodom, and made sure that the buildings were knocked down. Lot ran away just in time. Wasn't he lucky?

anorak · 08/10/2006 09:00

Rachel is barren. Do we know what barren means? It means a man must look elsewhere. Jacob thinks Leah is beautiful too, but she is not wife material. She is breeding stock. Jacob uses a veil between himself and Leah so he can kid himself he's not playing away from home. But he is isn't he?

Pruhoohooohoooooni · 08/10/2006 09:01

PMSL at this thread. (Particularly at MB's prologue!)

anorak · 08/10/2006 09:01

Oh and I am mocking the bible by the way.

motherinferior · 08/10/2006 09:03

Sodom today, Gomorrah the world.

(I saw that on a T shirt at a pride march once.)

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 09:03

Direct quotes these

One night Jacob lies down to sleep. He puts his head on a rock. That is his pillow. How would you like to have a rock for your pillow tonight?
'

or even better

'Jospeths brothers think of ways to hurt Joseph. Some even plan to kill him. Then one brother has an idea. Why not sell Joseph? Have you ever heard of soemone selling his brother?'

LMAO at the look of perplexity of the poor kids faces.... 'No, but, say, what a good idea!,

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motherinferior · 08/10/2006 09:06

That's a really, really, really bad idea to put into the heads of an enterprising seven year old with a small sibling, isn't it.

Pruhoohooohoooooni · 08/10/2006 09:07

MB will you be giving that particular bible to your ds? I am always in two minds about this. Not very good to deny access (with the potential to make it something forbidden, hence more attractive) but then the responsibility of seeking out the Children's Rig-Veda, Children's Egyptian Book of the Dead etc to balance it out.

edam · 08/10/2006 09:11

MB, what on earth does it say about Passover? 'And God thought the Egyptians were being very unkind to the Israelites so he took all their eldest sons away for a game of hide and seek. That was fun!'

PrettyCandles · 08/10/2006 09:12

ARgh - seriously naff! That book mocks the Bible more than any of us have done. Somehow I've managed to tell my children Bible stories without having to go all simplistic saccharine. Besides, children love a bit of blood and guts and smiting!

Love the Sodom and Gomorrah T-shirt!

Oh - and what am I doing on the Sunday morning? About to take my son to Sunday school

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 09:16

' The bad king does not want the slaves to have too many children, He is afraid there will be too may Hebrew people. He is afraid they might hurt him. So he plans to kill the Hebrew childre,

look! do you see baby moses sleeping?
He is sleeping in a basket.
His mother made the basket.
She hid babt moses in this basket.
She hid him from the king and his bad men'

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edam · 08/10/2006 09:22

'The Pharisee walked past the man who wasn't very well. That wasn't very kind but his mummy had told him never to speak to strangers. The good Samaritan stopped to help, which was OK because he was a grown-up.'

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 09:27

PC, so agree with you about the smiting. I liked a good bit of smiting as a child! Made sunday school so much more intereting than the stories of Gladis Aylward and the Bible society!

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motherinferior · 08/10/2006 09:30

David sees Bathsheba in her bath. Isn't she beautiful? But Bathsheba is married to someone else. So David sends her husband far far away, and he has an accident in the war. Isn't that sad? But it means that David can marry Bathsheba, and that's nice because he is such a good man.

Salome is a very good dancer. Do you like dancing? Salome dances a dance with lots of cloths. Do you like dressing up too? She dances so beautifully that Herod gives her a present. She asks for John the Baptist's head on a plate! Do you like nice plates?

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 09:33

ooohhhhh you are so good at this! plates! blinding! I can see you are a pro!

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motherinferior · 08/10/2006 09:34

I am getting disturbingly into this.

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 09:37

It has a curiosly arresting feel to it, does't it?

'Jael nailed the naughty man's head to the floor with a tent peg. Do you like camping too?'

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motherinferior · 08/10/2006 09:40

I must drag myself away to look after my fatherless children, while pondering how to retell Jezebel, Delilah, Lilith....

marthamoo · 08/10/2006 10:19

How do you lot know so many Bible stories? I think I had a heathen upbringing...

Very funny though, can we have some more ?

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 10:39

Years of going to Sunday school! Left me with a wealth of biblical factoids and the ability to sit on a hard bench for hours at a time without fidgiting

Samson has long hair, do you have long hair? He didn't want his hair cut, but a naughty woman tricked him. Does your Mummy do this to you? Naughty Mummy! Tell her to take care with the scissors round your eyes. Do you know what pillars are? Samson does. See him push, see the pillars fall. Wasn't he stong in the Lord?

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PrettyCandles · 08/10/2006 16:54

Go on, set your spin on this one, MI: what happened to Noah after the Ark... (Which one was it - Shem or Ham? Can't remember, but then that's not one of the stories you get told at school!)

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Blandmum · 08/10/2006 17:02

I think it was Ham. Shem, Ham and Japhet?......all those sunday afternoons, not wasted

The 'real' book bottles out and doesn't mention it!

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roisin · 08/10/2006 17:20

ROFL at this thread

Blandmum · 08/10/2006 17:24

I am really not making up the direct quotes. I was ROTF about it last night.

It is al the questions that make it sound so crazy!

I have been laughing at the plates comment all day!

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