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I'm 50:50 about having a family... Help

(11 Posts)
veryconfused1980 Wed 26-Mar-14 15:36:51

Hi everyone. I am 34 in a few months, I've been in a very stable and happy relationship for 4.5 years, we own a house and both have great/well paid jobs.... Life is great! My issue is that someone once told me that after the age of 35 your chances of having a child with disabities are greatly increased. I'm panicking that if I leave it much longer then it will be too late but I don't have a burning desire to have children yet. Will I be happy not having children or regret the decision to not have them for the rest of my life?

Has anyone been through this and got any advice?

enriquetheringbearinglizard Wed 26-Mar-14 21:52:26

No one could possibly answer how you'll feel either way.

What I would say is that no one should have a child on the basis that it may be too late if they don't do it now, or might regret the lack later. Nor should anyone have a child because they think social convention dictates and it's expected.

Decide to have a baby if and only if you decide you really want to make this lifelong decision as once you have one, that's it...for life.

Dixy30 Wed 26-Mar-14 21:58:28

To be honest id get on with it. Once you want them, it is going to probably start taking longer and you will
Want them even more. Also the longer you leave it, the less children you may be able to have. I wasn't bothered about ever having children but have been lucky enough to want and have 3 in 4yrs which I could
Partially choose owing to being only 24 when decided to Ttc.

I know lots of people who have had miscarriages aged 35-42 and ended up with so far zero or just one child after years of Ttc. If you have one at 35,hopefully you would be one of the lucky ones and be able to have another one if you wanted it. If you have one at 38, id say that was lucky in itself and that may be it.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but at my nct group in 2010 all the other mums were38/42 and wanted more children and none have been able to have any more, some having Ivf etc. My 5 cousins aged 34- 38 are all undergoing fertility treatment too.

It is such a gamble !! I hope testing within our kids lifetimes changes so it is easier to know what time / likelihood we each have left. grin

bewleysisters Wed 26-Mar-14 22:15:36

Very, fertility declines significantly from 35 onwards and takes a nose dive from 40. Worth reading around the subject a bit: chances of conception, miscarriage rates and risks of chromosomal abnormalities are all age related, but worth understanding how the figures stack up in each area? But they will only tell you probabilities.

I had several age related miscarriages but personally do not regret waiting until I was ready, and really truly ached for a child. Parenting is the most awesome responsibility you'll take on. Wanting, unambiguously, to be there really helps.

veryconfused1980 Thu 27-Mar-14 08:26:24

Dixy30 I love your direct answer! I think I was hoping for someone to just tell me to do it... As ridiculous as that is! I know we'd be over the moon if I fell pregnant it's just taking those steps towards the decision!

Miscarriage is something I've witnessed friends and family go through and whilst it's very sad in every case the couples have gone on to have beautiful and healthy babies afterwards smile

NickyEds Thu 27-Mar-14 09:44:14

Hi Very, Some people are very happy without children!! I think that statistically, well paid couples who don't have children after never wanting them are the very happiest in society. However- and here's the rub- to want children and not be able to have them must be absolutely devastating. There's nothing to say that you''ll have any fertility issues if you try for a baby BUT if you know in your heart that you will want a baby then maybe think about getting on with it!
For what it's worth we were in a very similar situation-I know it sounds a bit rotten but we only really started to try as we watched B&SIL struggle for 10 years to have a child and thought that we simply wouldn't have the time if it came to it. We'd always planned to have children in a "some day" kind of way but the time didn't seem right as we were having a great time too! My beautiful son is now 13 weeks old and life has changed dramatically!-Still great but in a Mothercare every weekend-sick on everything-bed at 9.30- kind of way!!
PS if the last bit made you smile you might be ready- cringe then maybe give it a year- you've got a year-34's not that old and it's a big decision!!

hillyhilly Thu 27-Mar-14 09:56:33

I was very like you 10 years ago, my feelings changed gradually over a year or so when I was 34 (I'd always said I'd have to decide one way or the other when I got to 35 and I think losing my mum at 34 had a lot to do with it too).
Personally, I've never regretted it. We have 2 dc, if anything the issue with leaving it a little late is that it limits the size of your family.
I am healthier and infinitely happier than I ever was when I worked.
I have literally never regretted it even for a minute. DC are now 9&6 and it gets better and better.
That's my experience, I don't know if it helps you, I hope so.

MillionPramMiles Thu 27-Mar-14 10:47:20

All of my NCT group are in the 36-41 age range. All had their first children without any fertility treatment and within a year of trying. Half are now expecting their second, again without any fertility treatment.
Fertility is affected by a number of factors, age is only one of them.

If you're sure you want children then what reason is there not to start trying?

If however you're unsure, then think very carefully and don't feel pressured by society or by fertility headlines in the press. How does your partner feel?

Imagine giving up your current well paid job because it doesn't cover the cost of childcare or because the hours your employer expects you to work don't fit with childcare.

Imagine doing a job, 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no holidays, no sick leave and some night shifts thrown in, for several years. Some days you love that job, some days you hate it. But you have to do it everday however you feel.

Imagine this job dictates where you live, where you go, who you spend time with, what you spend your money on and how often you talk to your partner.

If none of that fazes you you're probably ready smile

Only1scoop Thu 27-Mar-14 10:51:51

Myself and friendship group mainly have all had our dc later in life. Due to career, lifestyle etc. I was 37 when I had dd ....maybe wish I'd started slightly sooner though.

Jinglebells99 Thu 27-Mar-14 10:55:13

Looking back, I had my children at 31 and 33 and conceived them quickly despite a miscarriage in between them. I was the first of my friends to have a second child. A lot of friends had been trying for years, and had first child at 38, 41 and 40 after years of fertility treatment. I would just get on with trying if I were you, in cars you are going to have problems.

AMumInScotland Thu 27-Mar-14 11:39:20

Have you always intended / assumed that you would have children 'one day', 'when the time is right' etc?

Or have you always been a bit 'meh' about bothering with it, and not that fussed if it happens or not?

Picture that positive pg test - how do you feel?
Picture the GP saying 'Sorry, just not going to happen. Never.' - how do you feel?

Some people get the burning desire for a baby NOW. Some people just decide this is a good age/stage in their life to take the plunge. Some just find it has happened without a specific plan and go with it.

If you want children sometime, and are past 30, financially ok, and in a stable relationship with someone who also wants children sometime, then I think the reasons for getting on with it soonish outweigh the reasons for delaying until some mythical moment when you'll be overwhelmed with an urge that is so powerful you don't feel you even have to decide.

It may feel a less 'romantic' way of deciding something, but plenty of people choose for similar reasons.

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