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insensitive and possibly bigoted parents.

(12 Posts)
dazler6969 Fri 21-Mar-14 10:18:20

A little background first, I am a lone father of two boys age 7 and 11 years. I have been their sole carer for over 3 years now, oh and as it maybe pertinent to this post my oldest is my stepson and Asian and my youngest is my biological son and mixed race. Anyhow, today 7 year old boy told me he had asked his friend to ask his mum if it was OK for him to go round their house to play. His friend did so and then told my son could not play round as his mum said she did not like me(his dad). This came as a surprise to me as I cannot even remember what his mum looks like as I am a fairly shy man and keep myself to myself. Therefore, caught off guard when my son told me this( it was morning on the walk to school) I just said to him how can she not like me when she doesn't know me? He just replied that he didn't know but that was what his friend told him and that maybe it is because I am still a little fat( I am carrying about 20 kilos too much, although I have lost 25 kilos in the last two years). I can only guess at this woman's reasons for her dislike, maybe my boy was right, maybe it is really racism against my son and his brother but she couldn't say that to her son, maybe she disliked me as I was a man raising children alone( I have encountered some animosity from the occasional chauvinistic woman who see child rearing as their 'turf'. I just told my boy that weak people judge other people without knowing them and not to worry about it. However, he was upset and I am upset that this woman didn't just tell her son she was too busy or something as my son is upset now. In truth I am happy in a way as I do not want him spending time with someone like she appears to be( judging from this incident alone, as I can not place her). Does this make me as bad as her? What can I tell my son to make him feel better?

Shallishanti Fri 21-Mar-14 10:20:27

tell him he can have his friend round to play surely

dazler6969 Fri 21-Mar-14 10:30:23

I would, but maybe I wasn't clear, his friends mum does not want them to play as she doesn't like me so she is unlikely to let her son come to our house if she won't let them play at her own house. I always let his friends play here if they want to, this is his new friend and although she does not know me she does not like me and told her son that is why he shouldn't play with my son. As I said bigot really.

Pregnantberry Fri 21-Mar-14 10:34:25

It doesn't make you as bad as her, she had no reason to be rude about you so of course you would judge her for that.

Plus, if racism was the reason, then you definitely shouldn't send your boy over because there's no need to expose him to it.

The 'fat' thing sounds like a reason that the child just gave as an excuse, I daresay a lot of his friends parents are carrying around a bit of extra weight as well, it's normal in our society!

More likely, in my opinion, is that she is just overly paranoid about single men being around her kids. My partner felt like he experienced this a bit when he split from my stepson's mum. I know, it's unfair and sexist, but maybe she has some nasty experience in her past which makes her feel that way.

I'm not sure what more you could say to your son, because actually it sounds like you did a good job already.

dazler6969 Fri 21-Mar-14 10:43:31

Never thought about the paranoid thing, it is certainly a possibility, thanks for all your replies, it helps to hear others views.��

MissMilbanke Fri 21-Mar-14 10:51:23

You know sometimes seven year olds don't get the full story. I know I have one !

I honestly find it hard to believe that the mother 'doesn't like you" I mean this just doesn't stack up if she hasn't even spoken with you.

The weight thing ? well again I would have thought thats irrelevant too…

I would have thought the best thing to do is drop a little note via your sons school bag for the other little boy. Include your mobile number and just say you would like to have little Joey over to play after school sometime and take it from there. If you wanted to you could outline your personal situation a little bit too.

Thinking about this I know I don't really speak to the dads at pick up time either, I tend to drift in the general direction of a mum I recognise. I would hope those dads wouldn't automatically think I was racist.

UniS Fri 21-Mar-14 10:58:07

summer is coming, might be worth inviting your kids friend to play at a neutral space. Maybe going to the park for kick about football. See what reaction that gets. Its less "in my space" for a parent who is reluctant to have their kid go to others unknown houses.

dazler6969 Fri 21-Mar-14 14:07:23

I think I will see how he is when he gets home and hope his friendship with this boy fizzles out before it becomes an issue, thanks for the advice��

nancy75 Fri 21-Mar-14 14:16:09

Have you had other children home to play?

I think it may be that your son has got the wrong end of the stick about the whole situation.

Rightly or wrongly a Dad at the school everyday is not the norm and If you don't really mix with the other parents it may be that she has said he can't come over because she doesn't know you.

Hard as this may be for the sake of your son I think you might have to mingle a bit with the mums (I know it's difficult - even as a mum I found it tough at first)

You don't want to get in to a situation where your son doesn't ever have friends over to play.

dazler6969 Fri 21-Mar-14 15:03:46

He has had other friends over to ours to play both here and in our previous area after I knew their mums. In this case though it would have been my son going to their house so whether she knew me or not shouldn't matter. I understand what you are saying as if she had said yes I wouldn't have let my boy go to her house until I talked to her.��

nancy75 Fri 21-Mar-14 15:10:49

Sorry, it seems I got the wrong end of the stick!! I thought he was coming to you!

I honestly think you might have overthought this, I remember when my daughter started school to playground full of mums was terrifying sight, I can't imagine how much worse it is when you are one of probably only a few dads in the playground.

Give her another chance, you never know you might make a friend

dazler6969 Fri 21-Mar-14 23:06:23


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