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words of wisdom please - sad

(20 Posts)
squirmyworm Fri 27-Feb-04 14:38:00

dear all

a good friend of mine had a termination today. Lots of reasons I won't go into but a long thought over and hard decision. I have tried to support her all I can and know she is feeling confused and dreadful. What's amazed me though is how awful I feel about it (and it's not even my baby to grieve over) - I can't bear the thought of this little life being wasted and (having been pro choice all my life) I just keep breaking up when I think about it and feeling a mixture of horror and sadness. Can anyone offer any comfort? I'm surprised and confused by my reaction

vembarrassed Fri 27-Feb-04 14:50:52

This may be way off the mark, but I had an abortion as a teenager. I was most comforted by the thought that if there is such a thing as a soul, then by its very nature it has to outlive the body. If not, then perhaps the termination was not too important.

The other thing that comforted me, was writing this poem (hence the change of nickname). I didn't know whether to post it since it's very personal, but there's a small chance it'll help someone else. (as you can see, it's a bit teenager-y, pretentious and bitter, but like I say, it helped)

Child and my
No reason why
Never in
Forever in
No time filled by
Childhood killed by
And in a sense
I lived you.

CountessDracula Fri 27-Feb-04 14:53:19

V lovely you shouldn't be embarrassed.

Squirmyworm I would feel the same as you. I think anyone who has had a child would.

mummytojames Fri 27-Feb-04 15:05:31

sw and vb please dont grieve to much as i belive a piece of writing i found on a picture that said come to me little children as there will always be a place in heven with me plus i belive that the body might die but your spirit or soul liveson in all of us in the things that we do i had a termination at eighteen not choice baby was dieing and i had a friend who stuck by me through it all and when i asked her why as she was totaly against abortion she said i put myself in your shoes i might have done the same so please put yourself in her shoes and if you wish to morn a life lost please do as we are all very special and we all deserve someone to miss us in there own sweet way
and vb i wish i had known you or the poem when it happened to me as it has put alot of things in perspective for me
my heart and soul to you both

dinosaur Fri 27-Feb-04 15:06:55

vembarrassed that's very moving

thanks for being brave enough to post it

squirmyworm - my feelings about terminations changed a lot after I had a child too

squirmyworm Fri 27-Feb-04 15:42:05

thanks so much everyone - that helps, really it does.
vembarrassed - thank you, I'm really touched and grateful you posted your poem - it's beautiful (and not in the least pretentious and bitter) and says so much. it is a comfort to see it put that way

mtj - perhaps you're right and it's not wrong to grieve. it feels almost silly but while I completely understand and stand by her decision, something in me just feels a terrible sense of loss - I'm probably being self indulgent.

thanks all for understanding and posting - means alot

bluebear Fri 27-Feb-04 15:49:06

Squirmy - I felt the same way when one of my friends terminated - again I am pro-choice, and it was a very thought over decision that she made..but I still felt grief for the loss of the little one. (and this was before I had children).

All I can say is give yourself permission to grieve for the baby, you know the joy of a can grieve for the potential child..but also be there for your friend..let her talk.
I tried to give myself time to think about the baby and separate that from the time I gave to my if they were 2 friends who were arguing and both needed my support.
Hope I've expressed this okay, difficult to put in words.

emmatmg Fri 27-Feb-04 16:06:16

I would feel the same squirmy especially since having children myself.

Slightly different but a friend sadly had a miscarriage before either of us had children and I comforted her as much as I could. we both had our DS1's when she lost another little one and it absolutley broke my heart when she told me. I cried and cried and cried at what could have been
I think once you have children you know what the loss is or could be and that's what make it all so sad and confusing.

squirmyworm Fri 27-Feb-04 16:18:44

bluebear and emmatmg

you have put your finger on two things I have struggled with - one is the almost 'it against you' feeling I had - having to fight against the tempation to be an advocate for the baby and feeling sorrow for them both but in different ways for different reasons.

secondly, it's the 'if you only knew what I know now' thing about having a child. I wanted to rush over to her and say 'have it please have it' because I know what utter joy having a baby can bring (and I really didn't before I had mine - I had no clue at all)

I can't shake the feeling that I've done her a disservice by not being more full on about how wonderful it is BUT I knew that wasn't what she wanted/needed to hear once her mind started to be made up and that I may have made things worse for her emotionally had I behaved like that

emmatmg Fri 27-Feb-04 16:33:57

squirmy, I have tears in my eyes reading your last post.

I would have found it very difficult not to tell to have the baby knowing what we all know

mummytojames Fri 27-Feb-04 16:37:24

sw you are soing the best thing being there for your friendwhen she needs you most some people might think its silly morning over a child hat wasnt even your but there the silly ones for not caring enough my friend who helped me through this had a abortion not long after me for the simple reason she didnt want it and i think even though i had lost one and had one she did the right thing because if for some reason you cant look after a child then you shouldnt have one and im not talking financialy either it could be a nummber of reasons for that time then dont have them because you could end up regreting it in the future that doesnt make them ad people it just makes them care enough to know and sw and the rest of you from what i have seen in this posts you all have big hearts please dont change for nothing

Twinkie Fri 27-Feb-04 16:43:01

Squirmy - I feel that way about people who say they never want to have children - I can't think of anything I ammore proud of and that brings me more joy, love and hapiness than DD.

Grieve quietly for the baby and it would probably be good to light a candle. My nan was deeply religeous and she used to say that the children that went before they were born were extra special and that they were too important to be wasted on earth and too sensitive to see the awful things that go on here - bit churchy and weird IMO but you can take it or leave it IFW.

SenoraPostrophe Fri 27-Feb-04 16:49:37

OK, since you've all been so nice about it, I'll own up. I was vembarrassed.

I also wanted to add that I do also understand why you're so upset, even though it was your friend's termination. All the best.

PS a friend bought me flowers after my termination. I thought it was the lovliest thing a friend had ever done for me.

Blu Fri 27-Feb-04 16:57:50

Squirmy, very pleased you have been able to offer so much support for your friend, and sorry that it has caused you so much upset.

Are you perhaps 'collecting' upset from her, by which I mean feeling all her upset and wanting to be strong for her, and then breaking up once you are on your own? Also, it sounds very much as if you are thinking a bit of 'if that was me...' and reacting as if it was your pregnancy.

The one thing I have learned since becoming a Mum is that it really really should ONLY be done by those who are 110% up for it. Nothing less, no 'oughts', 'shoulds', no examples of other people's joy or other people's expectations of being a grandparent or aunt, none of these are enough to carry someone through the enormous challenge of being a parent. We cannot transform our own joy of parenthood into someone else's dream. Wait with your friend, support her, care for her, and maybe at some other time and place in her life, she will share (again?) the joy of parenthood, as plenty of other MN mums have done after an earlier termination.

It has been an emotional roller coaster for both of you, you have been sharing her journey; of course you are upset. Is there someone who can look after you a little bit tonight?

emmatmg Fri 27-Feb-04 17:05:26

Just wanted to say well done for changing your name back need to be embarrassed.

Clarinet60 Fri 27-Feb-04 18:30:01

SP, the poem is one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Thank you.

squirmyworm Fri 27-Feb-04 19:24:08

twinkie - thanks for the suggestion about the candle - think I will. So lovely, the things your nan said - made me cry. Am on my own tonight and will just have quiet evening I think (ds permitting).

Blu - yes she has no idea I feel like this. I felt that last thing she needed was another pressure. You're right though - it has to be her dream and her journey. I just would so much love to have met/loved this baby and had it in my life. Hey ho.

spacemonkey Fri 27-Feb-04 19:31:52

SP your poem is beautiful.

tigermoth Sat 28-Feb-04 08:31:14

sp, loved your poem.

crystaltips Sat 28-Feb-04 17:42:25

terminations are never easy - and more often than not there has been a huge amount of soul searching before coming to the decision.
Just because we know the joy that children bring - they also bring a great deal of responsibility and some may regard this as a huge burden that they cannot cope with at the time.
it's always very sad - but sometimes the right decision.
The baby is never forgotten - ever.

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