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help heard dd 23 having s--x in my living roon

(22 Posts)
ineedhelpwithdd Sat 03-Jun-06 11:27:35

dd is 22 living at home with us still shes 23 , shes not seeing anyone! but last night went on a works do i know she came in ( i dont settle untill shes in) then i heard a noise i know what it was , i felt so sick, so i shouted down to get him out, i didnt tell her to go ,but she did i have not slept alnight, its just not like her.
what do i do??? her freind as sent a message saying she went there and she s so upset and she was so drunk she wouldnt have done it other wise.

but i carnt get it out of my mind, bringing a bloke to my house just for sex! what she gets up to out side is her bussiness, but not in my house.

help what do i do??? make her leave?? i have a girl her whos 4 years old, she could have caught them! i am so ashamed of her and i think i have lost all my respect for her>

SecurMummy Sat 03-Jun-06 11:55:21

TBH, at 23 I think the living room sofa was the most tame place I would have been considering...

She is 23, why is she not allowed to have sex, or is it just that it was in your house?

She lives with you so where else is she supposed to go? Surely it is better for her to come home with someone and be somewhere safe than to go to some random guys house where no-one will know where she is.

I understand taht your daughter might have walked in but at 4 yo in the middle of the night it is quite unlikely isn't it?

I thnk that rather than throing your daughter out you should be talking to her and establishing some ground rules for this kind of thing.

At her age I had two children already.

Casual sex happens, as long as she is careful then it is nothing to be ashamed about, if she is not in a commited relationship already. I would have less respect for her if she had got drunk and had sex down some back alley somewhere or something.

What is your background? Did you wait until after marriage before sleeping with your husband? Was you husband your first partner - is he your only partner? I only ask to try to gain some understanding of your reaction.

Finally, how do you know it was just for sex? People do actually manage to make relationships happen from situations where at first it seemed to be only about sex - without talking to her you will not know.

FrannyandZooey Sat 03-Jun-06 12:00:52

"bringing a bloke to my house just for sex"

I think the problem is that it is not just your house, it is her house as well. At 22 she should be able to bring sexual partners home with her, surely? Would you have felt happier if it was in her bedroom? I can see that an agreement not to use communal areas of the house like this would be in order, but it sounds like you are upset that she is having sex at all.

I can see this has upset you, and feel sorry for you, but I think if you have problems sharing a house with another adult, who has sexual relationships, then your daughter living at home is not going to work out.

FloatingOnTheMed Sat 03-Jun-06 12:10:58

I am with the others. She is an adult, and should be allowed to make her own mistakes. And it is her home too. Why is she still living with you anyway, can she not afford to move out?
I got together with my 1st boyf when i was 21 (about 2 yrs after leaving home) & we frequently stayed at my parents' house. can't remember what shenanigans went on but that's because i thought nothing of it.

I too would find it preferable that my daughter was coming home rather than out with who knows who, who knows where.

madammykidsofmumchester Sat 03-Jun-06 12:16:18

I can see where you are coming from ineedhelpwithdd, and fwiw I think you have evry right to be upset. Like you say you don't mind what she gets u[p to it seems its her lack of respect for you and your home that have upset you. I think that she is old enough to understand that having sex in her mothers living room is disrespectful and a bit out of order. She has probably left due to embaressment and I'm sure this will all sort itself out in time. Don't be harsh on her it was a drunken mistake which I'm sure she is paying for now!!

Esmummy Sat 03-Jun-06 12:16:40

I think I would find the issue being in the front room.
I am nowhere near having a 22 year old daughter, I'd be hard pushed only being 21 myself but I do have a daughter with another on the way.
I think if you have a issue with her having sex in general then you need to find some alternative arrangement as living together is never going to work. I wouldn't be best pleased about hearing her at it in the front room but i think loosing all respect for her and wondering if you should kick her out is a bit extreme.
If my mum had caught me and DP at in the front room I would be absolutely mortified so that is probably how your DD is feeling

strugstu Sat 03-Jun-06 12:19:17

this is so difficult- i can understand your upset, its not on doing it in your lounge. I'm sure as a mature adult you wouldn't have sex in your own lounge if there was any risk of being caught by your children.
Its more about having respect for each other- it would be naieve to think she's not having sex at all, and i would hate to think of her having sex in some ally or the back of a car- that seems sordid. i have established ground rules with my children, who are 19 and 20 - there bedrooms are the place to go with their boyfriend/girlfriend if sex is on the agenda and i dont want to hear them! However i dont allow casual partners. i feel that it compromises my safety as well as their own.

I can make these rules as a parent whose adult children live with me, After all it is my house , but it is there home.

Esmummy Sat 03-Jun-06 12:21:31

I think that is very fair Strugstu

ShowOfHands Sat 03-Jun-06 12:24:52

"i am so ashamed of her and i think i have lost all my respect for her"

I think the above comment screams shock. Please don't even think of sharing this thought with your dd. What are you most upset about? Is it her having sex? Doing so outside of a relationship? Doing it in your house? Not asking for permission?

I think it sounds like you have started making assumptions ie she's drunk, she's having sex with unsuitable men. This may not be the case at all. You don't know until you talk to her if it genuinely was a drunken mistake (perhaps she's as ashamed as you are in which case she needs support). Maybe she does know this man but hasn't mentioned it. Maybe it's just fun. The point is, you don't know and you need to talk to her. Is she being careful? And not just about sex? And by talk to her I mean talk, not condemn or accuse. You still have every right to set boundaries in your own home, but with you dd's input and understanding.

I do sympathise, I think you are probably imagining all sorts of terrible things and you are shocked and frightened. The only person who can help this make sense is your dd.

And, thank goodness she went to a friend's house. At least you know where she was.

strugstu Sat 03-Jun-06 12:35:11

ring her up - get her to come home and have a girly chat- as others have said - it was probably a foolish spur of the moment thing to do do - and lets face it we've all done it (once had sex on my mothers kitchen table whilst she was upstairs in bed - talk about lack of respect!)she is probably really embarrassed, get her home give her a cuddle - just ask her to abide by a few ground rules.

edam Sat 03-Jun-06 12:43:47

Blimey, my MIL should hate me then. Dh was still living at home when we met (teenagers). So of course we had sex in their house. Admittedly only in the bedroom, but your shock seems to be about her having sex at all, not about it being in the living room. Can't you remember being young and just overcome with desire?

I'd apologise, in your shoes, but insist that she sticks to the bedroom in future and keeps the noise down.

FloatingOnTheMed Sat 03-Jun-06 17:45:33

um, i can't see any mention of the front room? i'm not sure we know she was in there.

I agree though that doing it in the front room isn't on.

WigWamBam Sat 03-Jun-06 18:15:16

She's an adult, the fact that she is sexually active is nothing for her or you to be ashamed of, and the fact that you have lost respect for her over this is very sad. She's still the same person. As for having sex in your house, where would you rather she was doing it - in an alley somewhere? At least at home - in her home as well as yours - she is safe.

LadyTambaOfTambaTown Sat 03-Jun-06 18:22:22

Shes my age... Im married with 2 kids.

As an adult, I can choose when and where i want to have sex in my own home - and that is her home. If she wants to have sex in the living room, then fine. No one was around... I cant see the problem.

Is it jealousy cause your not getting any?

jessicaandrebeccasmummy Sat 03-Jun-06 18:24:50

lol tamba!

Im 23 married with 2 kids too.... and it is her home!

Me and DH have had sex in my dads living room, in the spare bedroom we have at my dads and in my younger days, had taken home an unsuitable candidate for a quick fumble on the sofa while my parents slept.

I think a few ground rules may help, but there is nothing to be ashamed of!

LadyTambaOfTambaTown Sat 03-Jun-06 18:26:29

I remember having sex in my moms living room and I was much younger than your daughter.

Lighten up - at least shes not doing it up an alley.

I dont mean to make light of your issues but there are so many worse things she could be doing

FloatingOnTheMed Sat 03-Jun-06 19:59:08

You know what i have just realised i had forgotten a whole chunk of my life!!
I had a boyf before the 1st boyf i mentioned, he used to stay over (though fairly sneakily) at my mum's (i was still living there). I was about 19. We didn't have sex though, being at my mum's i think was a good excuse for me to say no tbh!

SenoraPostrophe Sat 03-Jun-06 20:06:00

"she s so upset and she was so drunk she wouldnt have done it other wise. "

there you go. it's the drink that's the problem, not the sex. I don't really think it's that bad her having sex in your living room but it is a bit inconsiderate. I don't think it would have damaged your 4 year old if she'd got up in the night either (plenty of 4 year olds wander into their parents' bedrooms. what's the difference?).

I hope your dd never reads the last two sentences of your post.

fattiemumma Sun 04-Jun-06 11:02:13

im with everyone else realy.
she was drunk so whilst that doesnt excuse the behaviour it does explain it a little.
she is an adult and so i guess you can understand that hey, sex happens.
i do think it was very inconsiderate of her to have it in yoru front room but what was the alternative? go back to his?? thats hardly safe seeing as she may have only methim recently. or in public? hardly the way to go really.

personally i think when she comes home she will be absolutly mortified at being caught in the act first of all and to be caught in the front room must be incredibly embarassing. so try notto be too judgemental as it will simply impact on the feelings of shame and guilt she already has.

i dont think you need to ask her to leave. but maybe a few groundrules could be negotiated.
like only partners whom you have met and are an established part of her life can stay over and ONLY in her room? i think its a little hard to say no sex at all but of course it is your house and your rules. just do remember she is an adult and lives in the house too. how would you feel if she told you you and your DP were not to have sex under her roof?

booge Sun 04-Jun-06 11:17:43

Mum used to let DB and I bring our girlfriends and boyfriends back as she hoped sex would be a relaxed and enjoyable experience for us and not dangerous or unpleasant. For a woman born in the 40's she is amazingly ahead of her time and this was when I was 17 not 22.

bl0ndie Sun 04-Jun-06 11:37:30

ineedhelpwithdd - I understand you're upset, but try and put yourself in your daughter's shoes. She is old enough to have sex without judgement from her mum, if she was 15 that would be a different story. Ok, she did it in the living room in your house, but tbh I think she must be v. hurt by your attitude. I don't want to be judgemental of you, I don't know you or your beliefs, but I think your daughter needs you, and that maybe you need to talk to her and hear her side of the story. Don't let this fester, do it today! Our kids are too precious to lose to arguments. Good luck!

2mum Sun 04-Jun-06 11:43:42

Why did the op not come back on this thread again? Your daughter probably feels really embarassing. i would have felt so wick if it was me. She was 22 and bringing a fella home for a bit of hp (hanky panky). I cant believe you shouted get out to the guy. Could you not have covered your ears and had a word with her the next morning. Would you not rather she did it in your house rather than th girl in the programme the office who got bent over in a car park by finchy?!

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