Playdates.. what do you do when they go wrong?

[MamaMaiasaura]

My ds (6) has a best friend at school who is really sweet. He comes over regularly and ds goes to his, also i get on well with the other childs mum too (incl going out on the razz )

With all this harmony i thought in a moment of stupidty that ds should broaden his group of friends .. (lesson learnt NEVER to dabble). So there was a little boy (who i will call C) who had been to ds's bdays and seemed similar personality - well behaved, kind etc. Decided to invite him for tea along with ds friend.

It was horrible. Started off bad when he grabbed my ds hand and pulled him across road - luckily no cars. Later this little boy picked up large playmobil castle and dashed it on the floor, stood up on chair several times throughout dinner, shouted at ds many times as wanted whatever ds was playing with and wouldnt play together. He wanted to take & keep ds's toys at end of playdate too. My ds best friend's little sister and mum had turned up and this other boy was being mean to the little girl (aged 2). I heard my ds saying 'dont be mean, she is only 2 - leave her alone' bless him, at which point we were alerted.

When his mum arrived and asked how everything was I lied and said it was fine. Then my ds was swinging a very small soft rubbery lizard by the tail, not near other people and she told him off.. tbh i was a bit taken aback, then her ds took it off my ds and proceeded to do the same thing at which point i intervened and put it out of reach.

Then at bedtime i found dsa had managed to cathch a visitor - thankfully only the 1 louse and tbh no idea which child if any of them he caught it from, but will let his teacher know tomorrow that nits are about.

Just annoyed and ranting.. soz everyone. but grrr

[wannaBe1974]

firstly, I imagine that you wouldn't be inviting him again? :O.

secondly, I have a friend who had such a child round once, and when the mum came back to collect him and asked how he was, she was brutally honest and told the mum that the child was extremely badly behaved and that she would probably never invite him again. Initially the mum went off in a bit of a huff, but about a week later she collared my friend in the school playground and thanked her for being so honest. She said that her ds had been invited to a number of play dates and had never been invited back and she could never understand why, and that now she knew.

Of course not all mums would necessarily be grateful, but imo if it was a child that came round to my house I would probably be honest if the child had been badly behaved, I would want to know if my ds played up at someone else's house.

[CatBert]

In all honesty, I would want to know if my DDs had been badly behaved at someone elses house. I really would.

[Twiglett]

I think there's a difficult dynamic in play with 3 children and its much better to have 2 unless you know what's going to happen (I say this even though I more frequently have 6 than 2 .. eeek)

I also think you cannot rely on children to be good you have to impose your own house rules firmly with newcomers / guests otherwise things go to pot

I find it normally doesn't matter how children behave with their own parents if they understand you won't take any rubbish from them they don't try to do it

[Twiglett]

the most I have ever said was 'oh we had a few moments' tbh .. I would never comment properly

[FrannytheGazelle]

I agree with wannabe

It would be awful to hear but I would far rather know

[MamaMaiasaura]

It was so hard to be honest at the time as she came in and sat on the sofa, her ds, my ds, ds best friend, little sister and other mum all in same room. Didnt want firstly to upset the mum and her son and also not wanting to make situation uncomforatalbe. I know i should have spoken up but is really diff to do. I think i need to go away and word it as the road thing really upset me.

x

[DumbledoresGirl]

I can understand why you would say nothing Awen. Dd had a party recently and her best friend, who has previously been to play and not been bad, was an absolute little monster at the party. When all the parents came to pick up, her mother was the only one who asked if her dd had behaved and I lied and said yes, even though she had at one point kicked my dh! If any other parent had asked, I could have said yes without lying!

I would agree with Twiglett that having three children is not a good idea ever. And I would agree with anyone else who said don't have the child back. I have to say I didn't let my dd go to play with said best friend the other week simply because I thought the friend's behaviour was not something I wanted my dd seeing, but I don't know how long I can stop her seeing her.

[MamaMaiasaura]

I agree whole heartedly with the 3 kids thing.. never ever again.

And ds doesnt want to go play with this boy again either. Thing is this little boy has attached himself limpet style to my ds best friend (the best friend is getting really annoyed apparantly). Will just leave them to sort it out tho as it is part of learning i guess.

Just still reeling about the road crossing and shouting and trashing and annoyingness...

[Norah]

It's so tricky isn't it ?

Once we had one of dd's school friends for the day - more of an enforced thing really as her parents needed to go to a funeral so I said I'd have her - and she was vile - really nasty to my dd - rude to me etc - in the end I had them playing separately in two differnt rooms !

When her mum came I told her that they had both been awful - I blamed it on tiredness (it was end of term) - which was blatantly untrue as my dd had been really really good - but I just couldn't bring myself to say that the other girl had been awful !

I do agree though that I would rather know !

I just never asked this girl back !

[TinyGang]

I too have done the wan smile and lied about the visitor being fine.

My first experience of dd bringing home a schoolfriend was truly awful and I wasn't sure how to handle it at all; but everyine else since has been lovely.

The first girl was spitting out her food on purpose and squealing manically. We were all, including dd, astonished. The trouble was, dd revised her opinion of the girl and tried to back off, but the girl was having none of it. It was quite a difficult time really. Hard lessons learned all round I think!

[MamaMaiasaura]

I understand the whole maincally squeling bit. Had that in the car journey - everytime one of the children spoke this little boy whole squel and shout and anything over the top.

[TwoToTango]

Last year I looked after my friends dd who is a similar age as my dd (4.5) for a whole day - 7am til 5pm. When she dropped her off I said can you try and be back by 4 as my ds has a dancing lesson at 5. (She was going to a funeral 15 mins away which started at 9.30am so I didn't think I was being unreasonable).
It seemed like such a long day - my dd got out all her toys to play with and friends dd just didn't want to share - kept hitting my dd and screaming and crying for sweets. In the end I made them play with separate toys. After they had lunch friends dd threw toy at me (deliberately) which hit me in the nose - I took the toy away and turned round to put it on top of a cupboard at which point the child bit me on the arm!! By this time I was very fed up so I took them both out to a park down the road. They were happy there and so was I until at 4pm I saw my friend driving past in the direction of her sisters house. We had been back about 10 mins when she appeared at 5pm. I said I was sure I saw a car just likes hers an hour earlier - she said that her dd was being such a pain lately that she had needed to go and have a cup of tea at her sisters while she got herself together enough to come and get her!! She asked how she had behaved, I said well we did have a couple of incidents (I didn't want to say too much as she had been at a funeral) - she said oh well shes normally ok never mind. I thought she might have asked at some point what the incidents were!!
I have never volunteered to have that child since and have kept playdates etc to a max of 4 hrs