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My Mum died three weeks ago - sign in here if you are missing your Mother, and to share memories of your DM

(17 Posts)
NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 10-Mar-13 15:17:15

That's it really. Her funeral was on Tuesday. I gave a speech. I might post some of it.

I am feeling OK at the mo. I had my first dreams about her, since she died, last night.

Neither of us have/had any belief, so I don't think she is sitting being sung to by angels.

There are people moaning all over the board about their gifts/their mothers. Here is a quiet corner where those of us who know what it is like to lose your mother can gather smile

chocoluvva Sun 10-Mar-13 17:58:13

What a nice idea.

I think you're very brave to have given a speech at your mum's funeral.

Give yourself plenty of time to reflect and grieve. Grief is an unpredictable thing....

My mum died six years ago - about three weeks before mother's day too. She had been terminally ill and she lived in an isolated area so I'd completely forgotten about mother's day until I came back home and almost bumped into the mother's day display in M+S. I used to give my mum M+S goodies when I visited her as there isn't an M+S remotely near her. I still miss buying her things. (MIL is impossible to buy for and doesn't shrink from explaining how gifts could be better.....grin )

My mum was one of the kindest people I knew and very funny. Always patient and supportive. But she expected very high standards of behaviour, "No dear, that wasn't nice of Mrs X, but remember she has a sore knee/deaf husband/feelings of insecurity etc. Are you remembering your second cousin twice removed's birthday? I know you're busy but she does like getting letters etc"!

What was your mum like, NormaStanleyFletcher?

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 10-Mar-13 18:03:29

My mum was brilliant. Here is the start of my speech...

'I was looking for a word that best described mum. The first thing I thought of was Strong… And Creative. But then there is clever too. So since there isn’t one word, here are some words that describe mum

Strong, Creative, Brave, clever, a maverick, a feminist, nurturing, independent, wise, determined, generous. And many other words that people have shared with us over the last couple of weeks.

She faced up to and fought against illness throughout her life. Asthma from childhood onward, back pain that ended her school teaching career, breast cancer in her 50s and later her parkinsons and secondary cancers. They may have physically slowed her down, but they didn’t stop her. She used her creativity to work around these problems.

And she used her creativity in so many other areas of her life. Her teaching, her tutoring, her painting, printing, poetry, creative writing, cooking. She was immensely talented, a scientist and an artist. A renaissance woman. A polymath.'

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 10-Mar-13 18:04:33

And thank you for turning up ChocoLuvva

<<tidies away the tumbleweed>>

Doshusallie Sun 10-Mar-13 18:15:41

That's lovely Norma. I am so sorry for your loss.

I miss my mum horribly. The difference between you and I is that I could see my mum today, I could hold her hand, I could give her the chocolates and card I had bought for her. She couldn't open or read the card however, feed herself the treats, and had no idea who I was, as she is in a dementia ward for people with severe Alzheimer's. she cried from the minute I walked in, big, wracking sobs, huge fat droplets of tears that gathered in a pool at her throat. I intended to stay to feed her her lunch but couldn't face it. Coward.

While I was there holding her hand I remembered how soft her skin is, and how she used to let me lie my head in her lap and she would stroke my hair for hours. I thought about how she never used to cry, or only with laughter, and I used to make it my mission to get her to giggle, which was very easy. Her radio was playing, tuned to Classic FM, as she loved classical music, and used to blare it out from the radio in the kitchen. She was an absolutely terrible singer however. Really awful :-)

I love my mother more than words can say, and I miss her so much it is like a pain. Which makes the fact that I find it extremely difficult to be anywhere near her now so much more awful.

CMOTDibbler Sun 10-Mar-13 18:18:14

My mums on earth in body, but dementia has taken the woman she was. She doesn't do well in restaurants now (they confuse her deeply, and alas will also be incredibly rude to people, plus will sit and flick her food around if she doesn't recognise it as food), and she mostly can't read a card.

I miss the woman she was, and marking occasions with her.

Chopchopbusybusy Sun 10-Mar-13 18:26:31

Hi Norma. I'm sorry for your loss.
My mum died six weeks ago. You were very brave to speak at the funeral.
I had typed a long post and have deleted most of it. I did just want to post though to say you're not alone.

samuelwhiskers Sun 10-Mar-13 18:45:50

Thinking of you Norma too, my mum died nine years ago and not a day goes by without me thinking of her. Well done for speaking at her funeral because I wish I had been stronger to do that because it would have made her so proud.

DreamsTurnToGoldDust Sun 10-Mar-13 18:47:29

What a lovely thread.

Norma, I`m sorry for your loss, its a horrible club to be in. thanks for you.

Mum died 20 years ago on the same day as Dad, I was still young just a teenager and trying to find my way and find who I was. The impact has been vast.

But, I wanted to share a little of her if you dont mind. Short but large, beautiful big brown eyes and gorgeous skin. She was warm and loving and a terrible gossip which I loved so much, oh for just one more coffee and gos with her would be heaven. She had a tough life and it was unfair on her, I look back now as an adult and realise just how hard it was and I am in awe of how she managed with so many children and very little money, yet she cooked a full meal from scratch every night without fail.

Mum, I can never be 100% happy, every occasion has had a tinge of sadness and regret as you were not there, my babies being born, reaching their own milestones. My wedding, would you even like and approve of dh? I hope so, I think you would. But I do smile now, you are in me, in dd, my god she looks like you - scarily.

Mum, you`ve been in my thoughts so much today, a little tear writing this. I miss you so much, its not fair. I love you. xx

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 10-Mar-13 19:11:33

Hello All,

So sorry that you are in the club with me, whether it is through dementia or death of your mother.

Speaking at the funeral was hard, but I am so glad I managed it (it was a humanist funeral). I was shaking like a leaf when I did it, though people (kindly) tell me they couldn't tell. I would have regretted it if I hadn't (as would DH as he was my wing man and had to deliver the speech I had written if I couldn't. wink

NormaStanleyFletcher Sun 10-Mar-13 19:16:04

Dreams - that is lovely to hear about your mum.

This thread is for us to remember the women that they were, if you want to

chocoluvva Mon 11-Mar-13 10:58:48

Did you have music at the funeral, Norma?

Is your father still alive?

NormaStanleyFletcher Mon 11-Mar-13 21:31:39

We did have music - Have posted elsewhere about it - hang on while I find it to copy here...

"My mum died last week, and it will be her funeral on Tuesday.

To start it will be Whiter Shade of Pale , because it was always one of her favourites and reminded both her and my Dad of sitting on college lawns in the hot summer in the '60s when they were at university there.

At the end it will be Diamonds on the Soles of her SHoes. Mum had an individual style, never wore heals, but had a collection of mad flat shoes, including sequined trainers, sparkly DMs and a favourite pair of multi coloured swirly flats (which will travel on top of her coffin on the day. When asked about memories of my mum, several people have mentioned her shoes! "

AntoinetteCosway Mon 11-Mar-13 21:41:22

My mother in law died almost two years ago while I was pregnant with DD, her first grandchild. I made lasagne in her honour on Sunday as she made the best you'd ever taste, and I was telling DD about her just this evening. I don't think I'll ever stop missing her or loving her. Sorry for everyone else's loss-it's nice to have a little spot over here to remember all these great women.

chocoluvva Mon 11-Mar-13 21:52:34

What an inspired choice. (I love Paul Simon, by the way). How nice to have music that is so personal.

It sounds like your mum will be missed by a lot of people. You must have learnt such a lot from her. She sounds like the sort of woman you feel privileged to have had for a mum. (I'm lucky enough to know how that feels).

Sequined trainers and sparkly DMs.... What a woman! smile

innoparticularorder Mon 11-Mar-13 21:59:27

10 years ago this evening she passed away suddenly.

May they all rest in peace x.

NormaStanleyFletcher Mon 11-Mar-13 22:02:46

Oh, and yes my ddad is still alive. Going over this weekend (3 hours drive) to help sort stuff out, and give him some extra company.

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