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could everone read the motherinferior i need advice thread please i need everyones advice

(54 Posts)
SHIREENSMOM Mon 12-Jan-04 17:29:03

i would be very gratefull for advice i need it thanksxxx

dinosaur Mon 12-Jan-04 17:32:36

I have read it but Shireensmom I just don't know what to say. Are you seriously suggesting that you're going to carry on some sort of relationship with him when he's married to someone else? How on earth would that work? And what about his new bride to be - it wouldn't be exactly fair on her. I can understand the guilt of not living up to family expectations. But I think he should stick by you and stand up to his family.

Sorry, I know that's not much help, but I am thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.

Where is yoour mum , btw? Can she not come and comfort you in your hour of need? What about friends?

Browbeaten Mon 12-Jan-04 17:42:20

I think you need to think about how life will be if he were to go, not saying he will, but you can't live in this will he, won't he type of existence for much longer. If I were you I would make sure I had somewhere to live and finances to support myself and my child independently. If he wants to go with an arranged marriage option then you must let him go but this will be easier if you don't rely on him for everything. Your dd will learn about life and relationships from you so don't give her the impression women have to take what men give them without question. He can still have a relationship with his child and you can start again with someone who really deserves you. Lots of luck.

SHIREENSMOM Mon 12-Jan-04 17:49:11

i dont want him to go and neither does he its just his family are doing his head in so much he gave in in ok for money at the mo and where we live is rented from the council in my name so i have somewhere to live, but im not a jelous person but the thought of him married to someone else even if she doesnt live with him makes my heart ache, he begged me not to leave him and said he cant go on on his own so i aggreed to stay with him, my mom is in birmingham and we dont get on and i dont speak to my dad i have one best friend who doent no about this yet if she did she would kill him

SHIREENSMOM Mon 12-Jan-04 17:50:51

dinosaur, his bride to be allready noes whats going to happen and she said as long as she gets married she doesnt care

dinosaur Mon 12-Jan-04 17:53:45

oh shireensmom, what a situation to be in

I'm afraid I have to dash as I am going to a course this evening after work but I hope that another mumsnetter can help you

thinking of you

dinosaur

outofpractice Mon 12-Jan-04 17:59:35

It does not look as if you have much control or choice over what he does. The only choice left for you is whether you are prepared to be his mistress / concubine and have him pretend to the rest of his family (and any new children) that neither your nor your dd exist, or whether you are going to leave him and find someone who thinks that you are important enough to marry and acknowledge socially. There is polygamy in Pakistan, but that is no reason for him to expect you to be OK with polygamy. He can't marry you polygamously in this country anyway. Whatever the family pressures on him, he is fully grown now and responsible for his own choices. There are sometimes community support groups which are for Muslim women dealing with problems associated with polygamy - have you thought of making contact with one of those advice groups? Perhaps you could speak to another woman who had been in the same situation, who could guide or support you. I don't think that you should be inhibited about approaching such groups even though you are white, because you are in trouble.

miranda2 Mon 12-Jan-04 18:13:52

Really hope I'm not being out of order here, but you did ask for advice...
I really think don't think you should put up with this. I think its appalling for at least three reasons; in no particular order:
1. It makes a mockery of marriage.
2. It shows no respect for you or for your status or position (what if the family 'make' him sleep with her on the wedding night and she conceives? Or what if she changes her mind a few years down the line and wants her visa or her husband?)
3. It is unfair on your daughter.

I feel VERY STRONGLY that you should either persuade him not to go, or tell him that he is either with you or married to someone else - not both. You are laying yourself open to a lifetime of misery and being the mistress - if he is prepared to give in to his family on getting married for G**s sake, what is he going to give in to further down the line - she'll have the legal right to come here, any children of hers (even by another man) would be counted his I imagine above yours - the whole situation doesn't bear thinking about.
I know this sounds dreadfully rude, and of course we will all support you whatever happens. But since you are asking for advice, I think this is just not on. Please don't let him do this to you. Your daughter, if not you, should come before his parents. If she doesn't now, when will she??
OK, will stop now. But boy, if he was around me now, he'd be sorry...

miranda2 Mon 12-Jan-04 18:14:55

A belated thought - could he marry you very quicklly before going? Then at least you'd be his legal wife here and she would have no rights....

miranda2 Mon 12-Jan-04 18:18:41

Have just re-read the other thread? He's going on Valentine's Day??!!! Is he taking the P**S or what???

SHIREENSMOM Mon 12-Jan-04 22:21:36

yeh i no hes never bothered with valentines day so it dont bother him, i no what you meen everyone im going ton tell him tonite its me and dd or his wife to be, it wont last long if he does get married it will be constant argueing and its not write well ill post in the morning. (he was supposed to go round and drop his passport off tonite but he didnt go is that a good sign)

SHIREENSMOM Mon 12-Jan-04 22:23:13

just to explain he will be marrying her in islamic law so i dont no wear i will stand muslim men can have up to 4 wives but i dont wanr to be one of them

lyndsey66 Mon 12-Jan-04 22:41:26

Shireensmom - if he is prepared to do this to you and his child (because this effects his dd the most) then he is not worth it.
You have to look out for what is best for you and your daughter and being a '2nd' family is not what is best. If it was, then you would feel ok about the situation - and it is clear you dont.
Think about it, in his situation - would you do this to him? And if the tables were turned how would he like it if you married another man?
I agree with every-one else - practically and emotionally this plan is doomed. As an after thought - if he does sleep with this other woman and she has children - her children would be your dd's siblings!
Obviously this is only my opinion - I just know I could never do this to my partner and would not except it if he did this to me. I would rather be a single mother than play second fiddle.
I hope it all works out for you xxx

miranda2 Tue 13-Jan-04 08:09:22

Shireensmum, don't let him blind you with the islamic law thing - it is illegal here, and anyway it isn't as if he's married you in islamic law too!

FairyMum Tue 13-Jan-04 08:35:52

Set a good example for your DD and leave this man!

salt Tue 13-Jan-04 09:08:38

Hi Shireensmom,

I read you're other thread a few days ago but didn't really feel I had anything constructive to add.

I know you're family aren't in your life at the moment and why as I kept up with your Nikki19 threads when you first started posting. If my family weren't involved in my life for the same reason I think that would feel quite isolated and sub-consciously it would make me want to stay with him (to prove them wrong). Unfortunately in my eyes he seems to be playing you.

I don't live far from you so if you ever want to meet up you can mail me through contact a talker. Perhaps we should organise that meet up talked about in another thread.

lailag Tue 13-Jan-04 12:30:03

Firts of all, I do not want to offend anyone with my comments , they are from "personal" experience.
I know several Azian men who have gone against theire families wishes and they have gone on to marry their "woman" of choice (and lived happily forever after..).
If he goes and marries someone else as an arranged marriage then be prepared to be second fiddle regardless of what he says (I can give you many "excuses", senarios).
He may "care" more for you and dd but it means that his "cultural/familial/religous" values are more important. There is no point to say that he is an adult and should be able to make his own decisions; I have seen men in high positions etc who feel it very important to follow their parents wishes in this respect.
I think you two should make a final decision early rather than late.

Blu Tue 13-Jan-04 12:52:48

Hello Shireensmom,
If he was married to you, would that satisfy his family to any extent? i.e he would at least be married, and you would be 'official'(although the scandal of pulling out of the arranged marriage at this stage would probably have far-reaching efffects on his relationship with his parents!)Would he LIKE to be married to you?
Through my own family, I do have some understanding of the pull and pressure of some Asian families, and I am sure that he IS under extreme pressure. However, you have also been under pressure and in effect given up your family, and he should be under extreme pressure form his own conscience in standing by his child and you - if he really is committed to a relationship with you. It really sounds impossible that he could marry another woman and continue to consider you as his 'real partner'. How long has he known about this? Sorry, I think if he goes through with this marriage, your relationship is through.

SHIREENSMOM Tue 13-Jan-04 17:05:35

he said he wants to marry me but then he wouldnt be able to marry her then his family would dissown him still. i tried to speak to him last nite but he kept saying itsup to me to decide he keeps changing his mind i told him that its nit fair to keep me wondering and he should just decide and tell me whats going on cause i cant take no more its really nice of you all to give me advice i really appericiate it. i need to talk to him and sort it asll out but hes not the best talker he would rather egnore it its a shame he cant egnore them (his family)

motherinferior Tue 13-Jan-04 19:07:46

I don't understand. What is up to you to decide? You've told him you're not happy about this. Is he saying it's up to you to decide whether to leave him or not if he does this? Well, yes, and you don't have to decide that now. I think it might be worth telling him if you REALLY think you can't continue with him if he marries this woman - but be prepared to carry out your threat, love.

I know you love him but I think he's being an utter t*sser, I really do.

SHIREENSMOM Wed 14-Jan-04 15:24:17

god i feel like me and him are going round in circles, last night we talked well i spoke and shouted and he sort of listened, i begged him to tell his family to f**k off and tell them he is staying with me and dd but he said no he cant do it to them so hes still going hes taking his passport to his sisters tonite oh and ive got to leave my job because im not allowed to take any holiday and i dont no anyone that i trust to look after dd. i said when he comees back from pakistan i will try and work it out but i dont think it will last and he dissaggred wuth me he said it will be opk he also sais that when he gats back we will get married but that will make me his second wife and i have had eniugh of coming second to his family so i just told him ill think about it.

salt Wed 14-Jan-04 15:38:42

do you want your dd to grow up thinking it's ok to be treated like this?

Blu Wed 14-Jan-04 15:42:44

Hi Shireensmom, I'm not sure I'm understanding you fully; does he want YOU to go to Pakistan with him? Who is it that has to leave their job, you or him? You're not letting him take DD to Pakistan with him, are you?
If it's you who has to leave your job, I would feel very worried for you: you have very little to feel secure about at the moment, and I think you should hang on to an income. If it's him, how exactly does he think he is going to meet his financial committments to his DD?

I wonder if there are any advice and support agencies for men in his position? I know there are lots of organisations specifically for supporting Asian women...but if he's not a talker, he probably wouldn't take it up anyway. I'll try and find out for you, anyway.

SHIREENSMOM Wed 14-Jan-04 15:51:43

no im not going to pakistan with him its just him and his family going and no way would i ever let him take her there over my dead body. yeh its me that has to leave my job they are letting him take leave

SHIREENSMOM Wed 14-Jan-04 15:52:59

no i dont want her (dd) to think that but i wanr her to have a mom and dad under the same roof not like my mom and dad were and look how i turned out

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