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Post Natal Depression - A Difficult Journey

(113 Posts)
VeniVidiVickiQV Fri 14-Apr-06 00:26:50

Imagine walking through a lovely meadow. The sun shining. Looking up at a beautiful sky. Bright blue, lots of fluffy white clouds drifting by. Butterflies fluttering amongst the buttercups and daisies. Your fingers brushing the tips of the long grass as you walk.....and then suddenly, you stumble.

You manage to catch yourself after faltering for a bit. You dust yourself down, and keep on walking, admiring the beautiful surroundings. You stumble again, this time falling into a deep, unmarked pit. You keep falling and falling, grabbing out and flailing wildly to try and get a grip on something, anything. After what seems like forever, you stop your slide downwards and hit rock bottom. You are exhausted from your sudden and unexpected decent into darkness.

Before you know where you are, and what has happened, you are at the bottom of a deep hole with no idea how you got there or how to get out. You can see a chink of light in the top, but its quite far away, and you cant trust that the chink of light is the only way out, but you claw towards it anyway, even though you are exhausted and bruised and battered from your fall.

Its a lonely time in this hole. Only you and the darkness. You couldnt see anyone else even if they were there, because of the darkness and coldness of your environment. But once you realise where you are, you know you have to clamber out and,` if you are lucky, someone will pass by and offer a hand of help to pull you out.

Despite being exhausted, and bruised and battered, you clamber you way to the top, and you finally make your way out of the hole. Yet you are still shocked and stunned by what happened. How could you miss such a big hole in front of you? Why couldnt you see it coming? How come no-one before you has fallen into this hole (you think) and not thought to block it up? Many people before you has managed to walk through the meadow without falling into this pit, why couldnt you have seen it coming, or prevented it, or just had a better journey?

You are stood, standing in this beautiful meadow, but all you can think about is the dark hole that you have just fallen into and clambered out of, how sore and aching your body is, and how tired you are. The beauty around you means nothing for a while. But you are grateful to be out, and you realise you should appreciate the beautiful surroundings.

You keep walking, but you find yourself no longer admiring the sky, the clouds, the butterflies, the flowers. You are busy looking at your feet. Concentrating hard, because, you dont want to fall into another pit, and waylaid by your aching bones and tired body.

You lose sight of all the beautiful things around you because you are continuing your journey looking only down at the ground, on alert for danger. You dont appreciate the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the butterflies, because you are too scared of falling down another hole, you still have the bruises from the last fall.

You are terrified that, if you take your eyes off terra firma for a moment, you could slip down that hole again and you wont find your way out so easily this time.

It is a long, lonely journey, spent staring at the ground, before you trust your surroundings, and your instincts enough again to appreciate your journey, and realise its beauty. To wander through the meadow staring at the beautiful blue sky and fluffy white clouds.

Bouj Fri 14-Apr-06 02:53:40

Wow, V - that's amazing. Did you write that? Very accurate. Having just finished a CBT course for PND with 16 other women in varying stages of the illness, that would have been amazing to share.

Riddo Fri 14-Apr-06 03:49:54

That describes how I felt/feel exactly. Have done CBT and am still on low dose ADs. I shall copy your post and email it to the next person who says they can't understand depression. Thank you

VeniVidiVickiQV Fri 14-Apr-06 10:45:25

I did write it. Thank you.

That was the reason i wrote it. There are so many people who dont understand depression and i wanted to be able to put it in words.

Lack of understanding is a huge part of this condition, and partly why people are reluctant to admit to people that they have it.

lucy5 Fri 14-Apr-06 10:49:25

Wow! I am very hormonal at the moment being 6 weeks preggers and that has made me sob. Im sure quite a few of us have been down that hole and are glad to be back in the meadow looking at the clouds. I think this would be perfect for anyone who has a partner or family memeber who doesn't really understand what they are going through. Thank you

Flossam Fri 14-Apr-06 11:18:51

That really was beautifully put VVV. I hope you are feeling ok sweetie. xxx

schneebly Fri 14-Apr-06 11:34:20

wow - you are very insightful VVV and very talented to have written such a moving, true piece! Thank you.

waggledancer Fri 14-Apr-06 12:07:45

Just got dh to read this, he was as moved as me. Am just at the stage where i can glance at the sky again, with low dose anti-d's and cbt. Thanks for putting it so well.

hunkermunker Fri 14-Apr-06 12:10:23

VVV, that's really beautiful. That will help a lot of people, I'm sure x x x x

LadySherlockofLGJ Fri 14-Apr-06 12:35:54

Top Marks QV, hope you are looking at the meadow, this weekend, if only intermittently, that in itself is a start.

jabberwocky Fri 14-Apr-06 12:51:57

OMG, VVV, I have described it as the black hole so many times to people, but you have really made it clear. I know that the majority of people probably just looked at me and thought, "Black hole, yeah, well, that's too bad"

WOW - thank you for that.

VeniVidiVickiQV Fri 14-Apr-06 13:20:03

Thank you everyone. I think i might show this to DP soon as he is great but still struggles with some aspects of it.

Am feeling better today LGJ. Must be the guacamole......

MeAndMyBoy Fri 14-Apr-06 13:33:17

Amazing, I've been there and it's hell, this describes it in a way that people who haven't had it can understand and get an insight.

I'm glad that you are feeling better today, I hope it continues and you soon feel able to trust your instincts and look at the sky again .

H x

lucy5 Fri 14-Apr-06 14:43:44


Chloe55 Fri 14-Apr-06 14:54:28

Have you talked to Rhubarb about adding that post to her pnd website? I think it will help lots of people be able to explain to their dp's/family how they are feeling.

Flamesparrow Fri 14-Apr-06 15:26:53

That was beautiful - I've been able to appreciate the sky for a while now, but the last few days have been spent watching the ground again.

lucy5 Sat 15-Apr-06 14:41:51

This needs bumping.

Flamesparrow Sun 16-Apr-06 10:47:30

bumping again.

VeniVidiVickiQV Sun 16-Apr-06 11:48:27

oh thank you! Havent been on here for a couple of days - thank you for bumping it

fransmom Sun 16-Apr-06 22:12:31

hi vvv, i'm gobsmacked, that has described how i felt for the past few days. i haven't been able to explain it to dp, he doesn't really understand what i can tell him. for the past few days i've been feeling happy and then bam tonight i'm back down that hole again

thank yo so much for being able to put the felings into words x

fransmom Sun 16-Apr-06 22:13:23

ps - could someone please tell me where to find rhubarb's website?


VeniVidiVickiQV Sun 16-Apr-06 22:30:40

oh no FM

Thats the big thing with this isnt it? You fall when you least expect it. Hope you pick up again real soon.

Have you shown your DP this?

Flamesparrow Mon 17-Apr-06 10:05:56

My mum says thank you - I sent her a link to this, and she says it describes it perfectly.

fransmom Mon 17-Apr-06 10:15:24

hi vvv, thanx. i'm not feeling too bad today, but i've got one eye over my shoulder just in case that bloody hole appears again. hows you today? ((((hugs)))) for everyone x

i told dp last night that he was going to read it, gave him no choice he was half asleep so shall have to remind him when he finishes work this afternoon.

what all of us are going through now, makes me wonder if our moms went through the same thing when it wasn't recognised so much as it is now????????

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