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INTROVERTS THREAD ...shhhh, we're over here

(1000 Posts)
NorksAreMessy Sat 24-Nov-12 23:04:28

Hello fellow introverts. I hope the last thread exploded due to time since it was started, and not because it was controversial. grin

I started the original thread after reading the wonderful book quiet and realizing that I was not alone.

Lots of people were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences, and it was a good support for those of us who like being alone; hate parties, especially hen nights; love reading, crafting, walking, painting, creating; enjoy solitude; need some recovery time after being in a crowd; prefer thought to action.

We are not necessarily shy, we can be confident and even outspoken, but we are at our happiest having a bit of a think on our own, thanks all the same

It's a bit odd to have a group of introverts, but I prefer to think of us as a collective. Separate but together.

As Christmas approaches, I thought we might need a thread to help us through it all

TrickyTreeLou Thu 03-Oct-13 21:41:13

Thanks Elizabeth. I'm divorcing because of a completely different reason (he had an affair) so no need to apologise - I've always been attracted to extroverts in a partner because I feel their qualities balance mine, and vice versa.

Thanks for your tips re: baby groups. I have worked myself up, you're right, and then I come home feeling pretty crap.

I've never liked groups, ever. I remember leaving Brownies when I was 8 after a few months. Brown Owl said 'But all your friend are at Brownies' and even then I thought 'But that's the point Brown Owl, I've been at school with them all day, I need some time on my own'. smile I didn't say that of course, but even at that age I was aware I needed down time.

Norks that is my favourite way of identifying yourself as an introvert. smile I love being with people but really need to space it out iyswim - people tire me and I need to know when I'm going to get a break to really enjoy social time. If that makes sense,........

ashleysilver Fri 04-Oct-13 10:36:39

Hello all, another introvert here, have been lurking for a while.

Recently I came across one of my first school reports. The teacher said I was 'exceptionally quiet' and I liked books and stories. Reading that, I smiled and thought how that is all still true.

NorksAreMessy Fri 04-Oct-13 16:27:46

I would love to be described as 'exceptionally' anything. smile

crowdiddley Fri 04-Oct-13 17:05:25

hi everyone, another lurking introvert here.

Also with an (extremely) extrovert DP. We make it work and I think he's getting better at appreciating the difference in our approaches (he once said to me, genuinely confused, '..but who doesn't like a party?', well lots of people actually).
I'm 17 weeks into my first pregnancy and one of the (many) things that's on my mind is how I will cope with being with the baby pretty much 24/7. Sorry if this has been covered elsewhere, I'm sure it propbably has, but I am curious to hear other people's experiences. I find a few hours in the company of other people is more than enough, the thought of another person needing my constant attention is scary. I'm hoping for an introvert child, so we can just quietly understand each other.

shiningcadence Tue 08-Oct-13 13:58:30

Hi everyone, my first time posting here. I've been lurking for the last couple of weeks.

I am a massive introvert. I was even thinking of trying CBT to help me overcome my aversion to people. But since I found this thread a couple of weeks ago I think I've realised that actually I'm okay and normal and probably don't need any therapy.

If you knew me in rl you'd probably have no idea because I hide it well with smiles and friendly conversation but I find being around people so exhausting.

Out family live a fair bit away from us so when they come to visit it's at least for an entire day, often overnight. And I just feel that I need to be away from the crowd, the conversation, the chaos sometimes so every so often (on the pretence of doing something else) I'll sneak up to my bedroom for five minutes peace. When we visit them I find it so hard because there's nowhere to escape to.

As a child my parents were ok with who I was - they let me get on with it - so I'd spend my days sitting in the garden reading or playing with the animals or (when I was older) going for long walks in the woodlands. I had a friend (who is still a good friend now) who was also an introvert so we sometimes hung out quietly together.

But my grandparents - who were massive extroverts - just didn't 'get' me. I was called rude and anti social and a recluse and although I can't recall them saying the word they definitely implied that I was strange.

As others have mentioned upthread, hen parties, works dos - argh I hate them. Dh is also an introvert but at his last workplace we were kind of pushed into going to the Christmas parties and they were awful. People would pull you up to dance and I honestly can't think of anything worse than dancing in public with people I don't know - god I sound like a right misery guts grin.

Having said that, I do enjoy some social events but only if I know the people well and feel comfortable with them. Every year a few friends and I go to see a Christmas film together and then for a nice meal which I love. But I know that it's only for a few hours and then I can go home and be alone yay!

shiningcadence Tue 08-Oct-13 14:13:29

Just reading back over other posts:

I hated baby groups too. There's an expectation to join in and be chatty and friendly and I'm just rubbish at starting a conversation. I enjoyed taking my dc to soft play though because there isn't such a big expectation to make friends with other parents etc - you're just there for the children to play. And actually I did end up meeting some other mums but it was easier because the conversation wasn't forced.

crowdiddley I've got 3dc and I find it okay but it's not like you're having to interact with other adults - they are kind of an extension of you I guess and it comes naturally. Having said that I do enjoy my quiet time when they're at school/in bed grin

southeastdweller Thu 10-Oct-13 21:17:34

After a few days of pesky mild weather for October, it's been a chilly and crisp autumn day here in London and I've been loving it. It's taken over thirty years and this thread to realise I'm truly an autumn/winter person.

Mefisto Thu 17-Oct-13 23:16:04

<peers around door> mind if I join too? Have been following this thread for a while and felt it was time to say hello and also thank you to norks and other posters who, after 30 or so years of feeling inadequate and socially inept, have made me realise that actually quiet does not equal complete and utter loser.

I'm another sociable introvert. A PP mentioned feeling most ill-at-ease with acquaintances and this chimes with me too. Am fine in a room of strangers, can give presentations to crowded rooms, have close friends with whom I can even be a bit <whispers> loud but work or school-mum nights out fill me with unspeakable dread. Am already racking my brain and trying to concoct excuses for the inevitable Christmas parties.

Am also an autumn person and enjoying the crisp mornings and walks in the rain. It is a 'nesting' time of year I think, which is why is appeals to me. I want nothing more than wellies, frost and hot chocolate.

ClaraOswald Thu 17-Oct-13 23:19:28

finally re-found this thread. smile

SeagullsAreLikeThat Fri 18-Oct-13 07:24:43

Just realised this thread is nearly a year old now! (though I know there were others before). It was mefisto talking about Christmas parties that made me realise.

I'm lucky in that I work for a small business so our Christmas party is just lunch out with anywhere between four and ten people, which is just about bearable. DH's party will be no partners which suits me fine and as yet I have no other social commitments for Christmas so I may just get through it unscathed smile

Littlegreyauditor Sat 19-Oct-13 13:01:58

Ewwww. Christmas parties. I utterly loathe the enforced jollity of a Christmas party. This is why I am grateful to now be self employed, as is my (equally INFP) DH.

We just buy our (3) staff a nice Christmas present each and avoid the whole unsavoury spectacle of an awkward dinner, excessive alcohol and loud shouting.

If the business expands to more staff we plan to buy them dinner, then leave some cash behind the bar for them if they wish to get shitfaced and escape ourselves through a side door.

I cannot even describe the hideousness of the annual Christmas party when working for a prominent national chain, populated by whooping extroverts presided over by our coke head boss who thought karaoke, a dance off, stripping on the dance floor and then shagging the lab guy was a top night's craic.

I can clearly recall wanting my own stomach to rebel and digest me from within to save me from it all. I ended the night digging a smashed pint glass out of a coworkers bare foot and bandaging up the remains as we were 37 miles from an A&E and in no fit state to drive, then trying to marshall the vomiting masses towards bins and bathrooms rather than hotel carpets.


Sorry. That was quite a rant. I do apologise...I'll go back to my book. blush

ClaraOswald Sat 19-Oct-13 13:07:38

I just want to.hide away today. Too many customers talking at me. Grin and move on,

AndYouCanDance Sat 19-Oct-13 13:16:13

When I resigned from my last job, my extrovert boss wanted to have a (shudder) going-away party. What is it with extroverts and their need to celebrate everything??

I told her that if she did that I would call in sick and that I really just wanted to slip quietly out the back door.
I hate goodbyes and always feel exceptionally awkward (see what I did there Norks grin) saying them.

Littlegreyauditor Sat 19-Oct-13 13:30:25

I think they feel they have to...celebrate I mean, but the only way they feel they can celebrate adequately is to organise a loud shouty mess, somewhere public, so that everyone can see that they are celebrating and if possible get pictures taken for the "out and about" section of the local news to screech over in the staff room later on.

I was once made to attend a birthday party (for the same boss as above) where they had gotten him a stripper. At 7 PM. In a restaurant.

The whoopers loved it. They whooped till they were pink about the ears.

Her underwear looked exceptionally uncomfortable.

I hid at the back with the horrified restaurant owner until it was over. I'm sure my ex colleagues thought I was some kind of secret serial killer sad

Annhod Sat 19-Oct-13 13:33:51

I loved autumn too, I never made the connection with being an introvert, makes sense now

A question though for other introverts ....... I've never really bothered with having friends, I'm not good at it, don't drink, so kind of gave up. Always had a full working and home life (6 kids). But now that I'm older (52) and family moving away, is it too late to look for a best friend ?

AndYouCanDance Sun 20-Oct-13 01:35:33

Annhod it's never too late.

I have three friends. Two of them live quite a distance away.
I plan, as I get older to focus more on friendships. I'm 40 now and still in the throes of raising teenagers.

I think it would be quite lovely to meet regularly with a friend at a quiet café, sip tea and eat scones.

FrightRider Tue 22-Oct-13 14:04:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenhill Sun 03-Nov-13 10:10:00

frightrider it's a real treat to get the bed to yourself isn't it? Usually there is a toddler and a cat as well as DH in mine. I never get the chance to starfish in bed grin. Fortunately it's a super king size and one of my favourite things.

annhod what's your favourite thing about autumn? Is it the berries on the trees or the leaves falling slowly? I like the misty starts with mist rising up the valley and the sun rising through the trees. It's always a bit strange when you can't see the houses on the opposite side of the valley.

I also like the way my cat wants more cuddles and seeks out the best heat source smile

NorksAreMessy Mon 04-Nov-13 20:56:06

Evening all.
I have had a complete day of cleaning and tidying. No everyones idea of fun, but I have put things where they should be and sorted house stuff out. It has taken me about six months to work out the perfect solution, but only a day to actually get it done.

The power of the introvert!

DD has started university and is finding it tricky to meet people like her. But she has THE POWER OF THE INTROVERT and is actually not very bothered. She says it is a superpower !

PeerMon Mon 04-Nov-13 21:23:27

Hello, I'm finally making myself known after sitting quietly and listening for most of the thread.

Realising I'm an introvert has been, a revalation. It's good to learn there are other people like me - I'm normal after all grin

I'm another who: enjoys spending time with friends but then needs to retreat, dreading the office Xmas party (I get out of it by saying I think I'm away then, but I will check...), dread acquaintances (didn't even realise until I read this thread). I cannot understand the screechy noisy whooping ones. There's a woman in my office, I want to ask her, 'have you ever had a though you didn't immediately verbalise?'

the only way they feel they can celebrate adequately is to organise a loud shouty mess, somewhere public, so that everyone can see that they are celebrating

Exactly. <makes self at home>

smudgedgraffiti Mon 04-Nov-13 22:07:54

Hello, this is a lovely thread, can I join too?

I have just read "Quiet" after seeing it recommended on another thread. I have always hated parties and work nights out (although thankfully I no longer work). For years I have thought there is something wrong with me as I only have 3 friends and two of them do not live nearby. I have only just realised, through the power of mumsnet, that I am an introvert. I am in my 40s blush

I have been really beating myself up recently as I have been finding it hard to fit in with a certain group of school run mums who happen to be my DD's friends' mums. I was quiet on a night out with them which I really didn't want to go to, and which they insisted would be lovely and which was just excruciating. I left early and cried all the way home. And later on one of them was mean about me being quiet. I think the world is often not at all friendly to us introverts.

I love painting and playing the piano.

So, erm, hello.

NorksAreMessy Tue 05-Nov-13 06:31:00

peer and smudge welcome, I am so glad you found us.

If all this thread ever achieves is to help people realize that this is a perfectly wonderful way to be, that we don't have to change who we are and that there are plenty of us about, I will be delighted.

I so understand the horror of shreiky, shouty celebrations. Why is that fun?
DH and I have just celebrated our silver wedding anniversary by having a very posh lunch and wandering around a Colin Reid exhibition. We were blissfully happy. smile

Ginfox Tue 05-Nov-13 07:20:22

<sneaks in, sits down at the back>

So glad I saw this thread!

Mefisto described my kind of introvertiness perfectly. My idea of a wild night out is to sit in the corner of a lovely pub, gossiping with very close friends. I only accept wedding/party invites if I already know lots of people well, and/or DH is with me, otherwise I wuss out.

In work-mode I can give presentations, speak to strangers on the phone (hate phones), speak up at meetings etc. But only recently have I been able to do this without breaking into a cold sweat and hearing my pulse in my head. Becoming a mum has helped with fake-outgoingness, as I know that even if I mess up, trip over my laces, say something stupid, it isn't important. Nothing is as important as DD and DH, and remembering this helps me brazen it out.

DD is a 2yo introvert, and I spend a lot of time making excuses for her shyness, but I really don't want to, and don't want her to feel that it is a Bad Thing. Any advice on handling introvert offspring would be much appreciated.

PeerMon Tue 05-Nov-13 08:43:05

If all this thread ever achieves is to help people realize that this is a perfectly wonderful way to be, that we don't have to change who we are and that there are plenty of us about, I will be delighted

Norks, be delighted, for this thread has done that for me.

Mefisto Tue 05-Nov-13 10:41:25

Norks I enthusiastically second PeerMon. Your words are very modest but for me this thread has been a Very Big Deal. My DD (5) is also going to be like me I think, and I am so much more conscious now about making sure I appreciate this rather than try and push her into things she isn't comfortable with, out of some misguided attempt to change her. I will do everything I can to make sure she knows it is perfectly fine to be just as she is.

I was very interested in the words of DalmationDots the head-teacher who posted about her wonderful-sounding school and this has given me lots to think about regarding DD and school.

Smudged having had a similar "fun" night out to you not so long ago, I feel your pain. It's tricky to balance wanting to be sociable with other parents for DC's sake but without having shared interests or common ground other than children.

Ginfox your ideal evening is definitely mine too. Add in a cosy fire and some good music playing (do any pubs still have jukeboxes? its been a while since I saw one anywhere) and that is perfection.

A heartfelt thank you Norks and all the other lovely posters on this thread.

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