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INTROVERTS THREAD ...shhhh, we're over here

(1000 Posts)
NorksAreMessy Sat 24-Nov-12 23:04:28

Hello fellow introverts. I hope the last thread exploded due to time since it was started, and not because it was controversial. grin

I started the original thread after reading the wonderful book quiet and realizing that I was not alone.

Lots of people were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences, and it was a good support for those of us who like being alone; hate parties, especially hen nights; love reading, crafting, walking, painting, creating; enjoy solitude; need some recovery time after being in a crowd; prefer thought to action.

We are not necessarily shy, we can be confident and even outspoken, but we are at our happiest having a bit of a think on our own, thanks all the same

It's a bit odd to have a group of introverts, but I prefer to think of us as a collective. Separate but together.

As Christmas approaches, I thought we might need a thread to help us through it all

Molepom Sat 29-Dec-12 13:40:49

I will never understand why people have glass on doors upstairs. Downstairs, I can just about get my head around, but bedrooms and bathrooms?

Christmas in the Molehill has been lovely and quiet, it was made even better when the kids swimming lessons were cancelled because the teacher was "ill" <again> so we had an extra day of pottering about.

I've suggested a bit of shopping but the kids faces of horror soon put paid to that, so we've been out for a few walks for some fresh air but that's been it. BOTH have declined playing out with the neighbourhood kids saying they "need space away from them" and anyone who knows me knows better than to ask me to go anywhere during the two weeks of Christmas - That's when I hide hibernate.

It's been brilliant. Come to think of it, the kids haven't even fought once, a tiny bit of bickering when one hasnt taken the cue to stop and leave alone but that's it. It's been bliss. They've even left me alone and done their own thing long enough for me to watch a film...a whole film!

BestIsWest Sat 29-Dec-12 17:45:58

Salespeople! This is what has got my goat today. Been sofa shopping in the sales with DH. This is bad enough in itself without being stalked around every corner of the store by the salesman or woman trying to give me helpful advice. I'l ask if I want help!. Please let me look around in peace. Arrgh. Does anyone actually welcome this or is it another introvert thing?

NorksAreTinselly Sun 30-Dec-12 00:14:34

Hate it!
Especially hate it in clothes shops. Well, I hate clothes shops anyway, but being hounded by a pre-pubescent stick insect when I just need to have a THINK about things makes me walk straight out of he shop.

I love Internet shopping.
And can commend Sofa Workshop in Bath for unobtrusive but properly helpful help (may not help you much smile )

Molepom Sun 30-Dec-12 09:58:16

I'm glad you've mentioned about sales people and their suggestions...can I add my tutors into that mix as well?

Exactly the same, I'm working or looking/studying and then they come up and make "suggestions" or "give me advice" which is not only down right sodding annoying and distracting but 9 times out of 10 sets me back an entire day when I was quite happy working away at a problem or whatever it is i'm doing AND doing well....then i'm pulled up for not asking for help. I've explained that it's just how I work but I was patronised instead with "There's no shame in asking for help you know"...I'll ask if I need it, when I cant find a solution to a problem MYSELF first. I cant THINK sometimes because of them and then I don't learn anything. What I have found surprising it's not just me either...there's about 3 other introverts in my class that I can work out and they've ALL said EXACTLY the same thing at seperate times.

In stores as you've both mentioned, YES! One store interrupted my thoughts so much so that I ended up walking out - despite the fact that I was working out how to get that particular thing into my room at the time. Basically, they had a sale until they invaded my bubble.

Jacksmania Sun 30-Dec-12 17:39:35

Sales people following me around stresses me out so much that I have occasionally been quite rude blush, saying "I am not a shoplifter, please stop following me around". Then I get mad at myself for being a cow.
So I've tried saying "I don't need help, I'm happily browsing, and I can guarantee that I'm much more likely to buy something if you leave me alone". With a nice smile if I can manage. It doesn't always work and when it doesn't, I leave the store. Which really annoys the fuck out of me when there's something I'd quite like to buy.

twentythirteen Sun 30-Dec-12 18:10:02

Molepom, you made me laugh when you wrote that bit "there's no shame in asking for help..." as if that's the only reason we wouldn't!!!! I don't ask for help because 1) I don't feel I need it/don't think there's a problem, 2) I don't have a question, perhaps because I'm contentedly working on it or perhaps because I don't see that there's an issue requiring more than me to sort it out, or 3) I don't feel ashamed at all but do not wish to speak to whomever it is I'd have to speak to. I could probably go on.

And when people in shops ask me if they can help me I just say no. I haven't been harrassed in ages so either they are all doing it less or I give off a bad vibe!

And, thinking about it, it's the small talk that comes with it that I hate so much. We bought a car a few years back and the guy kept hanging around (he was in the car with us while we test drove it [hwink]) and just had the most pointless things to say that left me at such a loss as to how to respond - but what annoys me is that I felt like to socially inept one! For instance, I saw my neighbour the other day and she said "you look well" - that's kind, but it's also an empty, stock "friendly thing to say" and I have no clue how to respond to it. "Why thank you, I've got this new cream" (why the hell do I need to comment on my toiletries? Do extroverts leave home with the expectation that they may be required to comment on their regimes?) or "thanks but I've not been doing anything differently... life's been just the same since you last saw me...(I don't want to talk about my life since you last saw me) or "thanks, you look well too" (why the hell am I commenting on whether she looks well? I don't want to comment on how someone looks.)

This has given me a giggle, have a good evening guys!

NorksAreTinselly Mon 31-Dec-12 22:23:28

Happy new year to my fellow introverts.

I am tucked up in bed and have told DH he can kiss me at midnight smile he is staying up with DD.
No parties, thank you.
No first footing
No fancy dress
Don't mind a firework...but want to stay indoors to see them.
But I do love my family and we have had a special dinner and movie night with open fire, candles, wine and laughter.

Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me

Molepom Mon 31-Dec-12 22:43:42

Happy New Year Norks.

I'm on the sofa, mning with a tin of Quality Street next to me which I hid from the kids and a cup of tea on the other side. DC are running from room to room watching the fireworks and think I can't hear them, lol.

BestIsWest Tue 01-Jan-13 19:24:09

Had a lovely time at home with DP and DS. A takeaway, some fizz and the Hootenanny. Bliss.

Pinot Wed 02-Jan-13 15:44:09


<sits quietly>

NorksAreTinselly Wed 02-Jan-13 15:53:39

hello pinot
anybody eaten the tweed kitten yet?

Pinot Wed 02-Jan-13 15:58:45

tweedy kitten was on the christmas tree for a while! Now happily guarding my dressing table. You are lovely, Norks x

NorksAreTinselly Wed 02-Jan-13 16:46:34

and you are funny pinot

Christmas tree kitten smile

Molepom Mon 07-Jan-13 12:08:26

OMG. I ventured out today for the first time in 2 weeks. I wish I hadn't bothered. School run was ok but the shops...arghhh.

I'm back at home now and dd (goes back to school tomorrow) is in her room listening to music...she's turning out to be an introvert too...lovely.

twentythirteen Mon 07-Jan-13 15:32:43

Just thought I'd pop in and say thanks for the book recommendations, I am enjoying Quiet and The Highly Sensitive Person. The bit about noise has rung bells. OH will have radios on throughout the house so that he can walk about without missing the score while I sneak around behind him turning them off as it rattles me. TV adverts can make me go from any mood to angry in a split second. And even my preference for gentle mood lighting, i.e. lots of low watt lamps as opposed to the harsh overhead lighting, is explained! I work in a very loud, brightly lit open plan office and these books have helped prepare me for the onslought of stimuli!

I was at a meal a few nights back and mentioned this, how I would happily spend a day inside without anything on (radio/tv) and two people were actively shocked describing how they would feel lonely, go stir crazy. It takes all sorts but the world I live in is designed for them! Even though I did not struggle with feeling like the odd girl out before reading these I do feel stronger and better prepared for having read them, thank you.

greenhill Mon 07-Jan-13 15:55:57

The advert I used to hate most was one for Radio 1, and said it was "the soundtrack to your life". Why would you need a musical accompaniment to everything you do?

I used to read on my commute on the tube and used to hate the hissing sound coming from other people's earphones. People used to take their earphones off when they arrived at work after being plugged in from the moment they left the house, they used to ask me how I could stand not listening to music, I said "I spent my time thinking about things or imagining I'm inside my book" I was inevitably met with a look of utter incomprehension.

Somethingtotalkabout Tue 08-Jan-13 00:11:41

Hello smile

I'm new to this thread. Well, actually I'm new to realising that I'm actually just introverted as opposed to thinking I'm socially inept/slightly autistic/oddball, the lovely Gilberte directed me here after I read one of her posts on another thread that really spoke to me, she summed up in one post exactly how I've felt for most of my adult life.

I've bought the Quiet book, only about 50 pages in but find myself wondering about little things, like how on earth the world of business has collectively decided that an extrovert that knows nothing is more valuable than an introvert that knows quite a lot. sad Is it just that managers tend to be extroverts because they 'talk the talk' and feel more comfortable around people like them, and the cycle continues?

Anyway, just wanted to say hello, hope you don't mind me loitering on occasion smile

Molepom Tue 08-Jan-13 08:13:23

Something (welcome to the thread),

I'm reading Quiet at the moment and that it EXACTLY the same thought I had about managers and business. It's a vicious circle but read on and it does explain that these extrovert managers do need someone closer to them in work that are introverts. She gives a few brilliant examples and why introverts are more than happy with not being the top dog as it were.

Findingmyself Wed 09-Jan-13 11:04:41


Molepom pointed me in the direction of this thread, and I thought I'd come and join you all!

I wouldn't say I'm an introvert as such, but I do enjoy my own company a lot, and get fed up with people in general at times.

I look forward to chatting with you all!

Molepom Wed 09-Jan-13 15:53:51

Finding, read the thread, it will answer a lot I promise.

Bumblequeen Thu 10-Jan-13 11:42:55

twentythirteen I too could spend the day in complete quiet. I like to hear myself think and love my own company. When I lived alone I looked forward to going home and shutting the door to the outside world! Everything seemed better once I was in my own surroundings.

Dh can be quiet but dd is definitely an extrovert. She has to have your undivided attention and loves being around people all the time. Dd is confident whereas I was a shy child.

i know I am am introvert due to the following:

I like going out to lunch alone (need time to think/reflect)

I do not like to spend my evenings speaking to friends/acquaintances on the phone. I make all my calls during my commuting time or lunchtimes. Evenings are for me and family to relax!

I take a while to become friends with people. I know people who make good friends wherever they go. My dsis makes at least one good friend wherever she works and shetalks non stop about each new found friend. I struggle to go from acquaintance to friend. I have trust issues sad

I hate noises especially loud ones - bangs, speeding cars, motorbikes, TV too loud sets me on edge. I live on a through road and at the same time each evening a motor bike speeds past my house. On hearing it I stop and wait for noise to vanish as I cannot concentrate.

I hate small talk. Felt awkward when hosting dd's birthday party and some parents chose to stay. There is only so much you can say. I am far happier saying "Hi ???, how are you?, nice/cold weather isn't it?" and moving on.

Somethingtotalkabout Sun 13-Jan-13 21:57:29

I was wondering if I may ask if this is something that others sometimes feel?

I really struggle with group invites or activities like a hen do, or work nights out. I know it's quite common among introverts to not feel any desire for these sorts of things, but is it normal to really fear them?

I had to go to a large work function October, (I got an award for a professional exam and got an invite & would be so rude to decline, otherwise I would NEVER have gone!). I didn't know anyone else going and partners weren't invited shock I felt so nervous about it. It was like a count down of dread every morning I woke up I'd think "Oh God, only 3 more weeks until...". Anyway, I went, felt very uncomfortable and went home, but it wasn't a disaster or anything.

I've just got an invite to a friend's hen do, I would know only the hen and maybe one other person. It's a full weekend thing, and now I'm getting that same feeling of dread about it and trying to work out ways that I can only go for one day, it's on my mind constantly. Is this an introvert thing? Or is this on a completely different level? sad

twentythirteen Mon 14-Jan-13 18:21:41

Hi Something, I guess everyone might have different opinions, but for me I could totally understand fearing something that you have to do but hate. It's dread in an extreme form isn't it? I dread for months in advance the teaching sessions I have to give that are merely hours long - i.e. an extreme response. You were on your own in a social situation you wouldn't be naturally inclined to attend. There's a difference between panic, social phobia and introversion. Briefly, with panic you fear the worst but it never happens, and you have all the side effects like sweating, racing thoughts, etc., and it can be non specific, so you have panic attacks at seemingly random moments. With social phobia what you fear might happen, perhaps an experience of humiliation or rejection that leaves you sensitive to it happening again or in certain public arenas. With introversion you might get confusing signals that make you think it's one or the other, because most poeple have experienced some of this in their lifetime, but if you have reasonable self esteem (I don't mean thinking we're all wonderwoman but feeling reasonably much like most people with some specific things that you're proud of) but just prefer not to be in crowds etc., then it would be more about you needing to look after your preferences. For what it's worth...

Southeastdweller Mon 14-Jan-13 19:34:51

I'm delighted to join you all smile

I also work in an open plan office and hate it, made worse by working in a small space and too many people in it. Luckily with my job I can work sometimes in anther part of the building alone, but this doesn't happen enough for my liking. Once or twice a day I even go to the toilet when I don't need to, just to be alone and compose myself.

I travel round the country alone fairly often and relish the time doing this. I never ever get lonely in hotels - I'm happy writing in my diary, watching TV, and reading, thank you very much.

I generally hate parties and would do anything to avoid ones where I hardly know anyone. I don't walk into parties alone as it's too much.

I spend a huge amount of time in libraries and feel fortunate that in London there's so many. It's just great to get away from the hustle and bustle and potter around in them. I always make a point of visiting city centre libraries wherever I am even if I'm pushed for time.

Can't wait to read Quiet.

Somethingtotalkabout Mon 14-Jan-13 22:02:00

Hi Twenty, thank you for your reply. I do panic and think the worst, although by nature I tend to always try and plan for the worst so that anything else is a pleasant surprise smile But yes you're right, it is an extreme reaction.

At the last dinner, I left feeling that it was as much of a success as it could be as I didn't feel I'd made a fool of myself and was probably instantly forgettable. Ideal for me. To some of my friends, being forgettable would be a disaster so they don't understand it. I do understand that the point of these functions is to sell yourself etc. I can't do that so invites to these are a bit wasted on me. My work is good as I'm very into the detail, so I'd prefer that to be noticed for itself than for me to have to tell everyone it's good. Meh.

One of my biggest worries with those sort of functions is that someone will turn round and say "So, Something tell us something interesting about yourself" or "tell us a story!" etc, that's what makes me panic. Even though I have lots I could say, words don't come out right with people I don't know.

Hi Southeast, totally agree about the travelling thing. I used to work away during the week in a team that had too much time to chat and not enough work were very social and my God, I LOVED getting into my dull, dreary hotel room at the end of the day, door closed to the world, quick phone catch up with DP, then the news on, room service, online (window) shopping and reading. Pure bliss. I was also happy to go out to a restaurant alone with a book, rather than go with people I'd spent all day at work with, I just like some time time to decompress. Although the fact they often wanted to go to strip clubs after dinner may have influenced that too!

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