Fellow adoptees, do you know about the change in the law from 2004?

[lilibet]

As from next year, any parent who gave a child up for adoption will be able to trace the child. How do the rest of you feel about this? I don't want to be traced, but know that if someone turned up on my door step I wouldn't turn them away. Feel very uneasy about this.

[yoko]

i personally feel unhappy about this.12 years ago my birth mother "found" me,using private detectives etc.i hadnt been searching for her and i wasnt very happy about her making contact out of the blue.i believe that the right to make contact lies solely with the adoptee.

[lilibet]

Are you still in touch with her? What happened? Hope you don't mind me asking

[roisin]

lilibet - I'm not a 'fellow adoptee' but someone who had a baby adopted 14 years ago. I had not heard this news, and will be going off to find out more now. Although I dream of him choosing to make contact again one day, I cannot imagine ever trying to trace him - I agree with you that the decision to trace should be his, and the timing should be determined by him, not me.

I just hope this law doesn't mean that adoptees feel that their birth parents aren't interested if they don't choose to trace them.

[yoko]

what happened?UMM,hugely long story as you may imagine,infact the whole scenario could have been a film in waiting!anyway, i was in contact with her for vabout three years,met her quite a few times,also met my dad.BUT the guilt i felt at having them in my life was horrendous,my mum and dad were really good,but one day my mum(not birth mum)said "im just glad you have someone else to love you"and all i could see were the tears in her eyes and i had never ever seen that before,it broke my heart and i knew i couldnt do it to her..i will always carry this terrible saddness with me,my birth mum is a lovely woman,she has never married or had more children,the church is all her life now.i share so many similarities with her,particularly looks wise and so does my ds.i have had lots of counselling over this,but i feel that i had gone 20 odd years and had no problems with being adopted etc,then she traces me and it all blows up and now i have awful feelings that will stay with me til i die,and none of it was my fault,i was a tiny baby.sorry this is really rambling,not v good at writing it all down,much better at just gabbing!!!

[aloha]

What a sad and upsetting story Yoko. I can see how you must be torn and how much suffering there must be all round.

[lilibet]

Sorry Yoko that this happened to you. I am very close to my Mum and she is now quite a frail 76, to have someone else turning up would be so upsetting for her. Its not a nice situation. Roisin, I beleive that you can leave a letter for your son somewhere, so that if he ever does try to contact you, he will know that its ok with you. Some mothers who have given babies up for adoption may dread the thought of this bit of their past turning up. I do appreciate how hard things must be for you. hugs to you both .

[Jimjams]

How confusing Yoko. I do agree with you- I think it should be up to the child to make contact.

One of my friend's recently made contact with her birth mother- and they have built up quite a successful reltionship. I remember talking to her birth mother about it and she said that as far as she was concerned you gave up all rights to that child when you sogned the dotted line. I can see how a lot of birth mother's would feel in later years that they had made the wrong decision, but I do think it would be wrong for them to search for the child.

Adoption seems to have changed so much recently. I have a friend who recently adopted 2 children, who had been taken from their mother (for very serious reasons). Every xmas and every birthday she has to out together a report (including photos??) which is then passed onto the birth mother. It all seems a bit of a farce to me.

Did anyone see the programme on adoption on Tuesday night? It showed 2 women trying to find children they had had adopted in the 60's and a man searching for his mother. It was very moving. I felt sad for one of the women whose daughter was now 40- she was still in touch with the father. I also felt a bit uncomfortable though. A private detective had tracked down her daughter who didn't want to be contacted at that time, but then somehow she obtained a photo of her, and I couldn't quite work out whether that had been received with the daughter's consent.

[Cam]

I have always believed that no mother gives her child to be adopted unless she "has to" in some way, so I do feel desperately sad for all the mothers. However I can see that sometimes the disruption to the child (even if now an adult) could be terrible if the birth mother contacts them out of the blue. Just wondering if some children are not even told they are adopted and how much worse this would be.

[jampot]

Sorry but I had to add a message here. My husband was adopted as a baby 37 years ago by his parents. He had a nice life, wanted for nothing, only child, generally fairly happy (if a little spoilt). Then last year we traced his birth mum. Dh wanted me to do it and I agreed just dropping bits of information out gradually. When we found her after just 2 weeks I contacted her by telephone without telling my husband as I figured she might not necessarily want to be found and the choice was also hers. Obviously if she didn't I would tell my husband that we had hit a brick wall and he wouldn't have to deal with rejection. She was happy to be found and although dh didn't have a great yearning to find her they enjoy a brilliant relationship and dh feels "complete". Obviously it could have turned out completely the other way. Birth mum also said she felt she had no right to search as she gave him up.