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to be sh!tting myself after a traumatic termination experience

(86 Posts)
oikopolis Tue 29-Nov-11 17:53:59

**Please don't read this if you're easily upset by the idea of abortion/termination, or ob/gyn trauma

apologies in advance for length, don't want to drip feed

It was really difficult to decide where to post this. can't put it in infertility or conception for fear of upsetting people, can't put it in pg loss because it covers infertility... hope this is ok.

DH and I have just started TTC. It's exciting, we're ready for it emotionally and financially, no worries there.

When i was a teenager 10+ years ago, I was forced by my family to have an abortion. it was incredibly traumatic not least because it was performed without anaesthetic (i grew up outside the UK). after i left my family and started life on my own, i had a lot of therapy and it's behind me now. I am still extremely sad about it, but accept now that i was innocent in the situation, and the baby is in a better place, whatever that place may be iyswim.

it was a d&c-type abortion. I was given medication that opened my cervix and then the Dr performed a D&C with a sharp instrument (not vacuum extraction).

(**This is the upsetting part, please don't read if easily upset)

When I was on the table initially, i was being held down across the shoulders/chest. I was moving my pelvis trying to get away from the Dr's hands. The Dr told me to lie still, and if i didn't he might cut me and I would be made infertile. out of fear of what might happen and having realised this baby was not going to have a chance, i lay still for the rest of the procedure.

During recovery i bled for slightly longer than normal iirc, but had no infection etc. Since that time i've been on the pill. when went off it for six months a few years ago, and had normal clockwork periods, just as before the pg. I've just stopped the pill again last week so obvy no natural period yet.

THe problem is I am terrified that this doctor scarred me as he said he would. I now know about Asherman's syndrome (adhesions caused by D&C, leading to infertility) and I am so afraid. I'm probably more afraid of how angry and desolate i will feel if it turns out i can't have children & that terrible memory is all i will ever have, with no baby of my own to hold.

it's very hard to talk about this because a) it involves abortion and ppl don't like to hear about that, b) it's horrific and ppl don't want to believe it happened to me. I am even afraid to tell my current Dr what happened, and to ask his advice, because he may not believe me. MN seems like the only place I can ask.

AIBU to be deathly afraid that i may never get pregnant again, or carry a baby to term? and what on earth do I do to keep going through the fear?

i have told my therapist what happened. She is lovely, and she tries to help me...she actually specializes in infertility counselling (i didnt choose her for that reason, only found out after i started going), but she's from a different world and i know she just can't understand what i've been through. DH furious with my parents (has been since I told him, it was not his baby that was terminated btw) but there is always that touch of helplessness... he can't go back in time and save me, there's nothing he can do. he tries to support me, but there's only so much crying I can do before I put him into a place of stress and worry. which is not going to help TTC.

Also: In the meantime i'm doing whatever i can to gather info about my fertility (temping, charting, OPKs) so that if we have no luck TTC after a year, I can go to the OB with a full complement of info and will be able to push for immediate investigation. If anyone has suggestions about what else i can do, please do let me know.

oikopolis Fri 20-Apr-12 17:33:27

i'm sorry for what you've suffered tazzle. i also have CSA in my past and it was also a complex case, though for different reasons to yours... i think you and i probably have had similar experiences in trying to explain things to people. it's a weird position to be in isn't it.

bump hugged smile

oikopolis Wed 13-Feb-13 03:24:00

I never updated this. We had our little boy, six weeks early, in an induction (my worst nightmare) after PPROM. No time for birth plan, no time to prepare, just had to wing it.

Luckily I had a doula and my husband. Managed to go without epidural for a good few hours of active labour but the internal I got at 4cm was so painful and horrible, sent me spiralling into despair, just brought everything back. Ended up getting the epidural solely because I couldn't face another internal, or forceps or the like. It just completely spooked me in the worst way. The poor doctor, I sobbed at her, I think she must have felt awful.

The epidural ended up being a massive palaver, never worked at all on right side. I had been looking forward to a lovely holiday from the pain... never happened!!! Which was quite upsetting at the time!

That internal had been done because I appeared to be labouring so fast... the nurses were all disappointed when I was only 4cm and appeared to decide I was just a big complainer... actually no... DS made his appearance just three hours later after 19 mins of pushing, born in the caul, 5 lbs 10 oz.

Whole induction took 9 hrs, 7 hrs of which was labour. Not a single tear or stitch. Discharged 19hrs later. DS in SCBU for two weeks. Now 6 months old and at 99th percentile just as if he'd been born right on time, my big strong boy, never given me a moment's trouble and the apple of my eye. Just the sweetest, smiliest, cleverest little boy there ever was. <sniff>

I would do it all again in a heartbeat. Was worth all the tears and fears smile I will never look back in despair ever again.

Just wanted to update because it seemed churlish not to. I'm not sure who will even read this. But... just in case anyone does, now you know.

Thank you to all the mnetters who supported me. xx I really needed it so very much.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Wed 13-Feb-13 03:44:04

Awwwww <sniffs>. Huge congratulations on your lovely son. Clever you, making such a fabulous little person.

I'm sorry your labour wasn't the one you'd envisioned, given your history that must have been scary. But in the end, you felt as if you were there?

CheerfulYank Wed 13-Feb-13 04:11:33

Just read this and am crying. Soooo pleased for you and your darling DS. <<hugs>>

SlightlyTinsellyExpat Wed 13-Feb-13 04:36:39

Congratulations, OP, and thanks for the update. I'm so pleased for you. thanks

oikopolis Wed 13-Feb-13 17:29:14

Tortoise I actually really didn't care, even at the time, that the labour wasn't all peaches-and-cream. And I did feel as if I were there smile in a funny way, having PPROM and an induction and monitoring took the pressure off me. I knew it wasn't going to be all woo and natural, so I could allow myself to go with the medicalised flow.

I told dirty jokes to the nurses pre-internal, spent some time delirious with pain after the internal (I was definitely in transition by then, unbeknownst to anyone), started to come to as the epidural slooooowly started to work, and then literally laughed through the pushing phase. The whole thing was just like a giant Monty Python skit complete with machines that go "ping" etc

The doctor who delivered me kept telling me to PUUUUUSH for 10 secs and hold my breath etc., I just ignored her and did my own thing (half the reason I was laughing was at her thinking I was listening to her). So I did feel it was "my birth".

I do also think I was on psychological autopilot just before and during the birth. And while DS was in SCBU. I was preternaturally calm. Now several months later, some emotions are surfacing - e.g. I had a cry when he was 4mo about how dreadful it was for him to be stuck with needles in SCBU - but the birth itself doesn't bother me, probably because I had no injuries, no instrumental intervention, and basically an instant recovery.

I hope someone out there reading this is helped by it. Just because things were shitty when you were a kid doesn't mean you won't have a happy ending smile

CiderwithBuda Wed 13-Feb-13 17:46:49

Wow. You are incredible. Just wanted you to know that.

And I am so happy that you have your gorgeous boy.

I love gorgeous boys. Mine is nearly as tall as me now!

GoSuckEggs Wed 13-Feb-13 19:17:42

WOW! i didnt read the date at the beginning of your OP. i felt such dispair and sorrow.

I have a massive grin on my face for you now! how simply wonderful for you.

I am so happy for you x

HumphreyCobbler Wed 13-Feb-13 19:49:03

Many congratulations. I am really happy for you and you DH.

sydlexic Wed 13-Feb-13 19:50:22

That is wonderful news, so pleased for you.

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