Well I thought they were funny.... :)(5 Posts)
Dont leave your dog out in the sun to long cause then it'll become a Hot Dog!
Im on a 30 day diet, so far i have lost 15 days
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerio's? She said, "Hey look donut seeds!"
What Did the Blonde Say when She Found Out It Was Pregnant? Are You Sure Its Mine...
Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
"God gave men brains, but he also gave men penises. Problem is they don't have enough blood in their bodies for both of them to work at the same time!"
What do you get if you cross lsd with birth control? a trip without the kids
~IM NOT 41 IM 18 WITH 23 YEARS EXPERIANCE~ *
What is green and has wheels? Grass. I was just joking about the wheels!
A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says "What do u want?" The fish croaks "Water"
A boy sees a sigh that says:FAT-FREE FRIES! the boy goes inside and orders some. he watches as the cook pulls the fries out of a frier dripping with grease. the askes,"i thought those fries are fat-free!" "they are we only chrge for the potatoes, the fat is free!!!"
Two guys go in to a store to buy a brain. The male brain costs £100 and the female brain costs £25. When they ask the store clerk why the female brain costs so much less, he tells them, 'Becaouse the female brain has been used!'"
There was a nun in a bath naked, she heard a knock on the door so she says "hello who is it?" the person replies "its the blind man can i come in?" well the nun thought as hes blind i suppose he can come in coz he wont ba able 2 see anything! " ok then" the man comes in looks at her and says " um, hey where do u want the blinds?
Once I was walkin down a road then I saw a leg, it was Marys leg, then I saw another leg, it was Marys leg, then I saw two arms, they were Marys arms ,then I saw a body it, was Marys body, then I saw a head, it was Marys head, so I said "Mary pull yourself together"
"Clothes make the person, naked people have little influence on society."
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Some people see the glass half full. Some people see the glass half empty. I'm just trying to figure out who is drinking my beer.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?....2 but I don't know how they got in there!
Like them! Just what the doctor ordered.
how about this - amused me anyway
If Nelson was alive now......
Trafalgar Re-Run 2005
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir.
"Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules."
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe it's to be encouraged, sir."
Nelson: "In that case .
Kiss me, Hardy!!
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